TheWizWit

The Hiatus Post

2011-06-24T23:30:00.004-04:00

Hey, you know what’s cool? When the blog you go to daily to try to get your mind off of work isn’t updated for 2+ weeks.

Even if you don’t feel like updating with sports crap, I liked the daily pop culture and links you were posting a few months ago.

Stop being lazy.

Thanks.

That e-mail was from Lindsay F. in Delaware.

I'm sorry that this sucks so bad right now. We'll be back some day.

Basically Maurice got a job running Barstool Philly, and the rest of us have been contributing over there. If you miss us, check it out. Some day though...some day.

Seriously.

P.S. Follow us on Twitter, I'm going to do my best to keep up with that. Starting now.
P.P.S. I'm totally not kidding. We'll be back. Don't give up on us.

17-8 Bitch

2011-04-30T00:05:00.002-04:00

The Incredible Hulk. An Incredible Ass. An Incredible April. Yea, is your team 17-8 without their best player? Probably not.

Cliff. Lee.

Our First Round Draft Pick Is Old

2011-04-28T22:34:00.003-04:00

Apparently the guy is extremely versatile (Kiper says he could play OT, OG or C). He played hockey, played rugby, fought fire, etc. Seems like a pretty cool dude, I just hope the damn kid can block cause Winston Justice sure can't. Oh, and he's 26 already, which I'm not quite sure is a good thing or bad thing. Overall though, I'm just be happy they didn't trade the pick.

From Scott Wright's Draft Countdown:

Strengths:
• Athletic with terrific quickness and agility
• Nimble feet w/ nice balance and body control
• Outstanding natural strength and power
• Shows the ability to recover when beat
• Will get some movement in the run game
• Understands positioning and angles
• Can get to second level and work in space
• Extremely competitive with a great motor
• Tough and plays with a nasty demeanor
• Still has a ton of unfulfilled potential

Weaknesses:
• A bit older than the normal prospect
• Just average size with short arms
• Frame appears close to being maxed out
• Is not real stout at the point of attack
• Does not have a lot of playing experience
• Raw technique, footwork and hand use
• Will probably have to change positions

Alleluia! Thank You Racist America!

2011-04-27T17:09:00.003-04:00

Well, that's one less thing we need to worry about. As we all know, Madden cover = death. Thankfully, America is rather racist, still loves dogs and can't get enough of white running backs. Now our 2011 season won't be ruined (minus the still-not-quite-fixed-very-confusing lockout situation).

On another note, Hillis is fucked. Poor Cleveland, even when something goes right for them they still ultimately lose.

A Way Too Early Look At The Eagles 2011 Record

2011-04-19T20:30:00.006-04:00

Before I start, let's all remember that I did this last year and while I predicted the correct final record (10-6), I only got about half the games right individually. So what matters more? Where you end up or how you got there? I'm going with the former, but honestly does it matter if we don't have football next year anyway? Let's hope the owners stop being bitches and end this thing. Chad Hall needs a job.

Anyway, here's an all too premature look at exactly how the Eagles season will go next year:

Week One: at St. Louis (1 PM, FOX)

Um, the Rams? Yea, I know they were better last year and all, but let's be honest...they still suck. If the Eagles don't dominate this game right out of the shoot, we're in trouble. 1-0.

Week Two: at Atlanta (8:20 PM, NBC)

Vick returns home. Atlanta's home opener. The Eagles have owned the Falcons over the past few years, and dominated them last year in the midst of their #1 seed season (with Kolb no less). 2-0.

Week Three: N.Y. Giants (1 PM, FOX)

I feel like the Eagles never play the Giants this early. It's kinda weird to be honest, like a hand job. I mean, you know you've had it before, but it's been so long you can't remember. Anyway, until the Giants actually beat the Eagles again I refuse to believe it can happen. 3-0.

Week Four: San Francisco (1PM, FOX)

The 49ers game, which seems to happen every year, is always close. Like annoyingly so. Whatever, 3-1.

Week Five: at Buffalo (1PM, FOX)

Rumors ran wild that this game would be played in Toronto. It won't be, it will be played in Buffalo. I know some people were pissed about going to Toronto, cause Canada sucks, but Buffalo is worse. It's basically the Canada of the US. 4-1.

Week Six: at Washington (1PM, FOX)

Remember the last time they played the Redskins in Washington? Sure do. Not sure who the Redskins QB will be this year either, but I bet they suck. 5-1.

Week Seven: BYE WEEK

Week Eight: Dallas (8:20 PM, NBC)

I have a weird, sickening feeling that the Cowboys will be good again this year. Everything went wrong for them last year, and they still almost beat the Eagles twice. Andy Reid never loses after the bye though. So I'll run with the big guy here. 6-1.

Week Nine: Chicago (8:30 PM, ESPN)

Monday Night Football. Jaws. Gruden. The Bears. A loss. 6-2.

Week Ten: Arizona (1 PM, FOX)

I'm not sure what to make of the NFC West yet. They can't possibly be that bad again, but will they be good? Probably not. 7-2.

Week Eleven: N.Y. Giants (8:30 PM, NBC)

I think I've covered my thoughts on the Giants. 8-2.

Week Twelve: New England (4:15 PM, CBS)

The Patriots don't have that aura anymore, not after choking in the playoffs last year. They're beatable, they're quarterback is a terrible dancer and cries, They're defense is still a work in progress. But they'll still beat the Eagles. 8-3.

Week Thirteen: at Seattle (8:20 PM, NFL Network)

Stupid Thursday night games. Pain in my ass. As long as Marshawn Lynch doesn't go all beast mode on us, I think we'll be fine here. 9-3.

Week Fourteen: at Miami (1 PM, FOX)

Remember that awesome game in Miami 8 years ago? Brian Westbrook going all air-born and shit. Eagles won that game, this one too. 10-3

Week Fifteen: N.Y. Jets (4:15 PM, CBS)

The Eagles have finished the last few years on some sour notes. The Jets are probably a bad match-up here, being all good at defense and stuff. Plus a 3-0 sweep of NY is probably too much to ask. 10-4.

Week Sixteen: at Dallas (4:15 PM, FOX)

Odds are this game gets flexed, because I really believe it's our Birds and the Cowboys for the NFC East this year. Sadly, I think this game is a loss, I just have a bad feeling about Dallas this year. 10-5.

Week Seventeen: Washington (1PM, FOX)

It's about time they don't end with Dallas. That was getting old. Anyway, 11-5.

There you have it, 11-5. Not sure what that will be good for, either the #2 or #3 seed, or maybe a wild card if Dallas is really good (fuck the Giants). Either way, the schedule is a pretty balanced one, and there is an awesome road game (Miami) on there. I bet that stadium ends up 75% Eagles fans, easily.

Go Birds.

So Michael Vick Will Get Hurt Next Year

2011-04-18T17:46:00.003-04:00

This isn't exactly a big surprise, but Michael Vick has made the finals of the Madden '12 cover tournament vote thing on ESPN. Normally any time an Eagles player gets some recognition nationally, I like it. Especially Vick, who whether we like it or not, is now our best player and the key to us winning anything next year. However, the last time this happened, well it wasn't exactly a good omen. I'll spare you the laundry list of shitty things that have happened to NFL players the year they graced the cover of Madden, but it was Vick in 2004 and he promptly broke his ankle. So, yea, here's to Peyton Hillis winning. (Odds Peyton Hillis wins, I draft him on my fantasy team, and he breaks both arms the next day sit currently at 1:1.)

Oh, and doesn't this kinda speak to how much people don't give a shit about the dog-killing anymore? I mean the guy is being voted by the fans to grace the cover of the most popular sports video game ever. Football > dogs, or so says America. (And don't just says it kids voting either, EVERYONE plays Madden.)

Homeless Iguodala tweets message from the future.

2011-04-18T15:52:00.009-04:00

Future Andre Iguodala has sent a message back in time in an attempt to change his fate. The current mediocre-76er is future-homeless, addicted to eating diapers and spends his days getting into bumfights in the trash bins behind the City Line Taco Bell.

Iguodala sent his message via FutureTweet, a recent invention in the future (not available for Verizon customers.) Scientists put the tweet through altavista babel fish translator (homeless to english) and found the following:

STOP GIVING ME THE BALL IN PRESSURE SITUATIONS!

Earlier Monday scientists tweeted the message to present-Iguodala with a #showyaluv hastag. Present-Iggy has yet to reply or tweet a response.

Oswalt considers start in Paralympic games.

2011-04-18T14:53:00.010-04:00

Pitching coach Rich Dubee said he had "very high" confidence that Phillies starter Roy Oswalt would make his scheduled start Thursday at San Diego. Oswalt was diagnosed with lower back strain, a condition which has previously sent him to the DL.

Not to worry Phillies fans… during his recent tour stop in Atlantic City Charlie Sheen (didn't) mention his interest in reviving the terminator and replacing Oswalt if needed.

Boom? Boom.

2011-04-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Just like they drew it up. Back to back lockdowns of the Nationals bats to win another series. Straight domination by Cliff Lee and a Chooch-Bomb in the 6th was all the Phils needed to head back home with a .750 winning percentage. Now the focus shifts to a certain bashing of the Marlins.

Losing two consecutive games isn’t even possible, right?

Oh Internet, You Think You Know Us Or Something?

2011-04-14T21:56:00.001-04:00

Who needs to come up with their own clever tweets when the website 'That Can Be My Next Tweet' will do all the heavy lifting for you. The tweet you see above was the result I got when I put TheWizWit's twitter handle in. The site just scans every tweet you've ever posted and tries to make a coherent sentence out of random words and phrases you've used in the past. A lot of the time it makes absolutely no sense. But I was bored and kept hitting 'get your next tweet' about 180 times. Hit the jump to see some of the better randomness this site spit out for TheWizWit.

Cliff Lee. Boom.

Edge vs Mubarak! Career Ending Match!

2011-04-13T09:10:00.000-04:00

Former Egyptian President Hosni "The Mad Dictator" Mubarak suffered a heart attack Tuesday and has been admitted to the hospital. CNN is reporting that he was being questioned over corruption charges at the time.

This news comes less than 24 hours after WWE Heavyweight Champion Adam "Edge" Copeland announced his retirement from the ring due to neck-related injuries.

TWW Reporters are calling these stories into question.

Sources have reported that WWE competitor Edge was part of a covert government plan to settle international disputes through a gladiator-type form of political debate, not unlike the government's strategy used to end the Cold War with its secret agent: Rocky Balboa.

One of these men will change before the match is over.

Edge was chosen as the US representative to battle Mubarak in an electric cage match, where the winning side would officially take ownership of vital oil reserves in the middle east.

Unofficial results report that the match finished as a double-DQ when the Dudley Boyz came down to settle a score with both participants about the taxation of crude oil pipelines across international boundaries.

The Dudley Boys are secretly Canadien NAFTA agents.

So, did we miss out on the most awesome international battle of all time? Or is Vince McMahon waiting until Chanukah comes around to release the whole thing on a 3-DVD box set?

If gas prices go up again, we're looking at you, Edge.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2011-04-12T23:13:00.004-04:00

Yea, so J-Werth got booed tonight. No big surprise there I guess. He also went 2 for 3 with a ding dong off Heavy B (who is certainly off to quite the start this year, I must add). Either way, the video above is a much better way to remember him than his play tonight. Tonight was like the first time you see your ex after she cheats on you. You're really pissed off at first but then you decide to watch that video you have of her from that time you did her doggie in her parents bedroom. Then you post it on the internets.

F'in Jayson Werth.

Steve Buscemi Eyes = Hilarity

2011-04-12T21:01:00.007-04:00

Not sure if you've seen this site yet, but it's absolutely brilliant. Just once I hope to achieve this level of creativity with an idea. For now, I'll continue to simply blog other people's creativity. Seems to be working for now.

Some other gems:

Was it WERTH it?

2011-04-12T12:01:00.002-04:00

We've all been there Jayson, hard up for some attention, and desperate for love. But, in your case the fat girl beej came in the form of a $126 million contract with the Nationals.

Jayson Werth will have his chance to prove he's not still embarrassed about his situation when the Phillies head to Washington Tuesday night.

In the first game Werth will face his former chubby chasing-wing man Joe Blanton.

Halladay and Lee come Wednesday and Thursday, but probably not in the mouth of a great big fat person.

Dwight Howard Makes Jrue Holiday Famous

2011-04-12T09:51:00.003-04:00

If you missed Monday night's Sixers game against the Orlando Magic, you still probably saw the above dunk. (It was visible from the International Space Station)

During one of the Sixers last games of the regular season Dwight Howard made a poster out of Jrue Holiday. (After the game, Howard looked at the Sixers roster and pointed out most of the team are in his posters).

The dunk was SportsCenters Top Ten Plays (not just number 1, it was the entire top ten).

In case you're not sick of it yet, here's a terrible YouTube video of the dunk.

Someone thought the soundtrack from Goldeneye 64 would be better audio than the TV call of the play.

Baron Samedi gave it a thumbs up.

Baron Samedi is no longer facebook friends with Dimitri Mishkin.

After the game, Dwight Howard joked about the play saying: "Let's all have a moment of silence for Jrue."

Howard also broke down the PTSD that young Holiday will be suffering from, sleepless night after sleepless night:

"If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad things happen."

The Sixers try to put this embarrassment behind them when they begin their first round playoff matchup against the Miami Heat this weekend.

Paul Holmgren is a made man.

2011-04-08T09:40:00.000-04:00

Flyers GM Paul Holmgren is a serious character. His koopa-face was constructed from the leftover pieces of Mt. Rushmore. The man could kill a fetus with a sharp glance. He's been known to rip season ticket holders dicks off for not complimenting the smell of his farts.

I'm not saying he's ever really murdered anybody, but you don't finger the man's daughter in the back seat of his own car and get away with it.

On Wednesday he held a closed-door meeting with the floundering Flyers, as reported (fabricated?) by known wolf-crier and Flyer's beat writer Tim Panaccio.

Holmgren told them to get their heads out of their ass or they'll be found hanging on a hook in the butcher's freezer. He then face-fucked Danny Briere's pretty little mouth. (citation needed)

Still 1st in the Atlantic Division, the Flyers sit four points behind Washington in the Eastern Conference headed into their Friday matchup at Buffalo.

...

Ed Snider couldn't be reached for a photoshop because this blog isn't crazy enough to make jokes about Mr. Snider.

Mr. Snider.

Sixers Will Make The Finals. Fact.

2011-04-07T22:31:00.005-04:00

Trust me on this one, the ESPN NBA Playoff Predictor never lies. Sixers = Eastern Conference Champions. Especially when it only take 87 tries to make this happen. Like I've always said, 87th try is the charm.

PS - By the way, in this predictor the Grizzlies seem to beat the Lakers like 50% of the time. ESPN must know something we don't know.

PPS - Don't ask me what happens in the Finals simulation. There's a reason I'm not showing a picture of that.

PPPS - I highly recommend not wasting a half hour of your life doing this. Not exactly the most rewarding way to spend your time. Or. Is. It?

PPPPS - Cliff Lee.

So What Do We Have Here?

2011-04-07T20:48:00.004-04:00

Ho hum. Just another 5-1 start to a season, nothing to see here. After worrying about the offense all off-season, the Phillies have now scored 5+ runs in every game (of course losing the only one in which they didn't). Halladay, Lee and Oswalt have looked good. Hamels and Blanton? Eh, not so much. Overall though, this is exactly the start the team needed.

Notoriously slow starter Ryan Howard has come out of the gates hot and almost every regular is hitting over .300 so far. Is it early? Absolutely. But this team has gotten off to some very shitty starts before, so starting like this helps everyone take a deep breath and relax. Sure, the Astros and the Mess aren't expected to sniff 80 wins this year, but April is unpredictable (as you can see with the Orioles and Royals both being in first place). To win games you're supposed, especially early, is a good sign. (Just look at the Red Sox.)

So now our Phightin's head off to Atlanta to face what is likely their biggest competition in the NL (yes, I really think the Braves are the second best team in the NL). While the Braves are off to an underwhelming 3-4 start, they're still a really, really tough matchup for us. The pitching duels:

Friday: Cliff Lee (1-0) v. Tim Hudson (1-0)

Saturday: Roy Oswalt (1-0) v. Brandon Beachy (1-0)

Sunday: Cole Hamels (0-1) v. Lowe (1-1)

Like most series they'll play this year, the Phillies go into every game with the pitching advantage (regardless of Cole's first game, he's better than Lowe). I. Love. It.

Here's to 161-1.

Cliff Lee.

Would You Sleep With Doctor Kong?

2011-04-07T10:51:00.001-04:00

Looking to get laid AND a he's doctor? Well ladies, you better get in line next to all the douchebags asking for worthless autographs! This one is FAB-U-LOUSSS! Clearly I'm joking - NO ONE is sleeping with him. I just want to rip my ears off and shove them down his throat to end that God forsaken laugh once and for all. It sounds like the cackling of a hyena. Assuming that hyena was gay. If he somehow was lucky enough to meet a deaf girl, he'd still be shot down due to the fact he's awkward as fuck. I see he's going with the arms-shakily-crossed coolness vibe at the bar. Hope that works out for you buddy. I don't care how many barrels he's made his pixilated Italian friend skip over. This guy stinks.

h/t Kotaku

That Time Barry Bonds Killed OJ's Ex-Wife

2011-04-07T10:45:00.000-04:00

Remember OJ Simpson? The guy who KILLED HIS EX-WIFE and got away with it?

Aw, how can we stay mad at that face?

OJ, as you may last recall, has been in prison for over 2 years now, serving a 33-year sentence (9 without parole) for a 2007 kidnapping/armed robbery in Vegas. (/sourced)

His legacy, though, is being a double-murderer who walked free of any criminal charges due his ability to blacken himself at will.

If OJ was an X-Man, he'd be "The Dimmer Switch."

Most notably, the OJ verdict took away white America's ability to use the N-word without it leading to a meeting with the Human Resources Department. Mid-90's America was outraged.

The face of mid-90's of outrage.

So, Whites have been laying in wait for years. Ready to over-react the next time a black tried to show its uppity face. Then it was time to get revenge, Liam Neeson style.

Particular set of skills? I might know a guy…

America found its new Kunta Kinte once Major League Baseball player Barry Bonds was indicted on 15 counts of what we all do every single day ... denying stuff that would get us in bigger trouble. Now facing only 4 of the original charges, Bonds could see up to 10 years in prison for each count. All for being a big ole' FIBBER!

Pictured: WORSE THAN MURDERING TWO PEOPLE!

On Wednesday, after presenting its case for a total of ONE MINUTE (not even a joke) Bonds' defense rested without calling a SINGLE WITNESS. Christ, even My Cousin Vinny called up Mona Lisa Vito. This type of McMahon-like confidence hasn't been seen in a human being since … well ...

"Eat shit, America."

So, Congrats Whites! If Bonds' comedic defense leads to jail-time, score 3/5's more for the plantation crowd!

Phillies Firepower Impresses Libyans.

2011-04-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

President Obama sent the Phillies to Libya to deal with their Marshmallow Man problem.

Lack of run support was one of the biggest fears heading into the 2011 Phillies season. There was a fear Ryan Howard wouldn't get pitches to hit without Jayson Werth batting behind him; there were also concerns that Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino would not have bounce back years.

Over their three game sweep of the Houston Astros the Phillies scored 21 runs.

Howard's 1st HR of the season killed Gaddafi's dog.

The Phillies also proved that they still had the ability to orchestrate a come-from-behind victory, an important part of their skill set that made them back-to-back National League Champions.

John Mayberry also tore a hole in the roof of that Southwest flight.

This initial show of offensive production is a sign of good things to come, especially after adding their new hitting coach Winston Zeddemore.

Zeddemore, however, could not be reached for a comment.

The 2011 Season is about to Hit.

2011-03-31T23:02:00.001-04:00

Roy Halladay is about to announce his presence with authority.

Friday is Opening Day of the 2011 season. The Phillies will host the Houston Astros for a 1 pm puckdrop at Citizens Bank Park. Roy Halladay will start the season for the second straight year, looking to continue his Undertaker-like undefeated streak. His opponent will be former Phillies (bar-fight) starter Brett Myers.

To get you hyped up for a game that will be over by the time you roll out of bed, our foreign correspondents have sent in the following photos from our Japan offices. They truly capture the support the Far East has been showing for a club that's been struggling a lot recently with injuries.

Here we see Phillies fans on vacation, keeping it real. The kid in the background must be tuckered from so many Jose Contreras vs Ryan Madson debates.

Speaking of the closer's role... The Japanese med-student in the background is praying to her cardboard cutout of Brad Lidge, hoping for a healthy recovery. Tough break, Brad.

The Japanese have also built a statue to honor Chase Utley, which they pray to five times a day.

Despite the devastation to the Phillies roster there is still hope for another World Series season. With the help of these intrepid fans this baby will grow up in a world where Cole Hamels has been nothing but earth-shatteringly efficient.

Hooray for the Phillies 2011 Season! A special thanks to our Japanese correspondents for the pictures!

Go gett'em boys!

Phillies Predictions Sure To Go Wrong

2011-03-28T20:11:00.004-04:00

The Phillies have four really good starting pitchers. We, along with every analyst, writer and baseball fan across America, know this. There is little doubt, minus unforeseen injuries, that those four pitchers will dominate the competition this year. All of them could win 15+ games (assuming good run support, which I'll get to later) and should be good for 200+ innings. Halladay and Lee, who were #1 and #2 in innings per start last year, are two of MLB's true workhorses and very well could finish #1 and #2 in NL Cy Young voting this year. I mean when Joe Blanton is your #5 starter, you don't have much to worry about when it comes to pitching.

However, this team still has some major questions. Utley's health aside (which everyone knows is a big deal), this team has questions in the bullpen, outfield and on the bench. 100 wins, which three months ago looked like easy money, is probably the max this team can do. In fact, I'm saying they win 94. A few other predictions sure to go wrong:

Utley will play less than half the season. Injuries that are covered in this much darkness are NEVER good. Once a week the Phillies give us a little nugget of information, make up some new disease or injury name, schedule some specialist or test and call it a day. Utley can't even run yet, let alone make baseball-type moves. If he plays before the All-Star break, I'll be surprised.
Ryan Howard will rebound to hit 40+ HR again. He, more than anyone else, knows how important he is to this team now that Werth is gone and Utley is likely to miss a large part of the season. Howard knows the knocks on his, and he can't be thrilled with his third-strike-looking end to last season. He's set for one final big year, before he likely starts to decline in 2012.
Brad Lidge will suck. I'm not going to define "suck." But one thing is for sure, Brad Lidge is not having a good year. In fact, there's a good change this shoulder issue knocks him out for quite some time. That may be a good thing, since you never know what you're getting from him anyway. But thanks for 2008!
No Phillies pitcher wins 20 games. I think Halladay and Lee should be good for about 18, but 20 is hard without run support. I simply don't see the Phillies scoring enough runs for their aces to have somebody earn a 'W' 20 times.
The Phillies will win the division, but only by a game. The Braves are good, very good in fact, so I see this being a dogfight. Don't be surprised if the Braves run out to a lead, especially when the Phillies hit their usual May and June swoon. In the end I think they'll be there, but if things go right for the Braves (and wrong for our Phils) the division will probably be theirs to lose.
World Series prediction? The Red Sox will get there from the AL. The NL? Well, I'll just let that one play out (I see a Braves-Phillies NLCS).
Some awards: NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw; AL Cy Young: Jon Lester; NL MVP: Ryan Braun; AL MVP: Carl Crawford; NL Rookie of the Year: Freddie Freeman; AL Rookie of the Year: Mike Moustakas; NL Manager of the Year: Fredi Gonzalez; AL Manager of the Year: Ron Washington

So let's hope that 1) I'm wrong about Utley, 2) The Braves suck and 3) Rubes makes another shrewd move or two at the deadline to help the offense. All told, we're in for an exciting year and if all goes well (fingers crossed) another parade come late October (or early November?).

Cliff Lee.

THE HEAT IS ON

2011-03-25T10:05:00.000-04:00

On Friday the 49-22 Miami Heat host the 37-34 Philadelphia 76ers in what could be a playoff preview.

Going into their third regular season matchup The Heat are up 2-nothing on the Sixers, but this time of year it's all about playoff seeding. Right now Miami holds the 3-seed sitting 2 1/2 back the first place Chicago Bulls and 1 1/2 behind the Boston Celtics. The Sixers are currently holding the 6th seed.

If the playoffs started on Friday this would be Game 1.

Meanwhile, In Russia...

2011-03-25T00:36:00.005-04:00

Can you imagine the boom in business that parking decks/lots/meters would have if this happened here? You could charge like $50 an hour and people would have to pay it. I mean really, who can afford to have their car thrown out?

The parking is $50. That's too much, is it? Oh, what’s that you say? You’re going to take a chance and park on the street? That’s fine, but if the crain-o-matic-car-destroyer comes by you’re fucked.

Luis Castillo Impressive in Debut

2011-03-24T09:13:00.001-04:00

JUST KIDDING!!!

When the best compliment Charlie Manuel can give you is that you looked "in shape" you might want to consider showing up earlier to BP.

On Wednesday former Mets second baseman Luis Castillo made his spring training debut with the Phillies. In the 4-1 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays Castillo grounded out twice, popped out once, going 0 for 4. No one was expecting a lot from him immediately and the Phillies have seven more spring training games after Wednesday where he can put forth his best effort to piss all over the memory of the late Chase Utley.

never forget.

The guy to keep an eye on though is Michael Martinez. The energetic Rule 5 pick has been on (spring training) fire at third base, and he can play three infield positions and centerfield. With Placido Polanco set to expire like Stop-and-Shop lunchmeat you may want see if Martinez is still available on the waiver wire in your NL East-Only Spring-Training Fantasy League.

We're Still Here Boys and Girls

2011-03-23T20:35:00.005-04:00

So are Mario and Luigi. TheWizWit is gonna stay strong, so keep coming back for the same old ridiculousness that we've been doing for the past 18 months. Yes, we'll be contributing content and hilarity to Barstool Sports Philly (check that shit out by the way, our boy Maurice is killing it over there), but we'll be keeping it real and fresh over here too.

Peace, love and Cliff Lee.

Oh, it's like that?

2011-03-23T18:57:00.006-04:00

On Tuesday Eagles fullback Leonard Weaver appeared on Comcast SportsNet and compared the current relationship between the NFL owners and players as "modern-day slavery".

Early Wednesday Weaver phoned in to 610 WIP to retract his statements and issue an apology. He also plugged his Twitter feed which has been in damage-control-overrdrive for the past 24 hours. "I'm sorry for those words I used," Weaver posted on his Twitter. "If I offended anyone, please forgive me."

If you don't believe he's sorry, stop by his twitter and take a drink for every apology.

For those of you who forget what happened the last time Leonard Weaver was trying his hand at "the slave trade" here's an image of his week 1 injury vs the Packers during the 2010 season.

Picking cotton is about all he can do now.

Weaver has been optimistic about coming back to play this season despite his kneecap still being lodged in his taint. Which is why he may have felt the need to become vocal about getting paid again.

His racial outcry is so far the third during the lockout comparing the owner/player relationship to slavery. The first two coming from the Washington Redskins' own Albert Haynesworth, and Fantasy Football's own Adrian Peterson.

"Give us, us lateral pass!!!"

Like a Boss

2011-03-15T16:08:00.005-04:00

Chubby Kid Bodyslams Bully - Watch more Funny Videos

This video is making the rounds on the internet, and I'm officially jumping on the Casey Heynes bandwagon. Basically this kid has been victimized by bullies his whole life and finally snapped. The little prick with the hat is a shit head and probably deserved this for a long time. Let this be a message to bullies everywhere: sticks and stones may break my bones but AAHHHHHH POWER BOMB MUH FUCKA!!!!!

Edit: first vid I posted was removed. Second vid posted was removed as well. Here's my third attempt (thanks to echz for link)

Winning On A Friday

2011-03-11T12:03:00.007-05:00

Who's winning this Friday? Manhattan Mini Storage, that's who. Absolutely brilliant.

Enjoy your weekend folks...and fuck the Mets.

[A big ole' hat tip to Ryan]

Oilers Need to Get a Dog or Go to Church

2011-03-09T14:42:00.002-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Apparently, the Edmonton Oilers had a little peepee in their pants during the first period of Tuesday night’s game. The young Oilers team was criticized for playing nervous and scared as they sat back and watched the resurgent Flyers squad do work on em'. Flyers outshot the Oilers 17-1 in the first period. That's on some video game shit right there. Flyers win 4-1 with a nice 2 goal game from Jeff Carter.

Thank God! I was checking for used puppies and online ministries myself after that 4 game slump. We needed to beat up on a team like this for our own sense of self, I mean, we are the bullies after all. Lavs and Homer played this losing streak the right way. After that blow-out Rangers game, the Flyers players were given the silent treatment and told to go home.

"They were just as embarrassed as the rest of us after that game. Sometimes you just got to pull away and let them sit in their own pile of shit and hit them the next day."- Paul Holmgren

Just a couple more things. 1.) Giroux needs to shoot, stop with the no look drop passes. I like you...but you’re crazy. 2.) Andreas Nodl and Nickolay Zherdev were both scratched. This is a fair deal. If one is out, the other should be out too. If only Zherdev and Nodl could find a pair of those DBZ earrings, or learn the dance and fuse together to create one good player, that'd be perfect... Nickoleas Zherdl would be the shit. That's all I have to say about that.

LET’S GO FLYERS!

Yes, We Have A Good Basketball Team

2011-03-08T22:47:00.005-05:00

[SI.com] The Sixers are an East-best-tying 12-4 over the last 16 games, they are arguably the deepest team in the conference and they have a versatile shutdown defender in Andre Iguodala, who also has performed with the command and efficiency of a point guard since coach Doug Collins flipped him the keys to the offense last month. The center tandem of Spencer Hawes and Marreese Speights is the weak link in the rotation, but the length and quickness of their wing and perimeter players (including Jrue Holiday, Thaddeus Young and Evan Turner, as well as Iguodala) often compensates. Everyone gets out in transition -- their controlled, three-quarter-speed fast break is superb -- and their interior passing is a real advantage against weak defenses, as Golden State discovered Sunday. If the trends continue -- the Heat, Hawks and Magic fragile, the Sixers steadily improving -- Philadelphia could become a first-round dark horse.

Folks, this team is officially good. No, they aren't great, but they don't have to be. As SI.com writer Britt Robson says above, there isn't a team in the East that wants to play them right now. They are deep (they seem to consistently have at least six guys in double figures each night) and are playing the kind of team basketball that isn't flashy but sure is effective. Our ballers are 14-4 in their last 18 games, including victories against playoffs teams like the Spurs, Knicks, Hawks and Nuggets. And while the fans haven't necessary come back yet, as the John Smallwood pointed out today, they will if this keeps up. Philadelphia doesn't want flash, we want winners. If the Sixers keep this up, especially in their next two games against the Thunder and Celtics, people will notice.

They'd be silly not to.

[photo courtesy Michael Conroy/AP]

What The F!?! Flyers Lose 4 In A Row, Thankfully Not Crying Like The Heat

2011-03-07T15:15:00.001-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

I had a conversation with a friend when the Flyers acquired Kris Versteeg, and he said, "I hope he isn't a black cat like Kyle Calder was a few years back." And then I said, "Yeah, that would suck." We are now in serious "black cat" watch. Even though he is scoring, we keep losing. Hey Kris - Put your mouth piece in your mouth and stop turning the puck over, will ya?

What happened to Cobourn and O'Donell? O'Donell is old and hurt, but Braydon Cobourn is just getting beat time after time. March is Defensive Awareness Month, so you best recognize, Cobourn.

Our power play and penalty kill are weak. Special teams are at like a 73 right now. The next McDonald's Power Play contestant is scheduled to make $300,025… or something like that.

We lost that nice 7 point lead in the East. It's now down to a two point lead over Boston for the number one spot. I want home ice advantage guys. I need a nice little 6 game win streak, EARLY!

It's hard for me to sit here and say that I'm not worried. But I'm not. All the teams they lost to suck, with the exception of Toronto. (Who might actually be able to do some damage if they get into the playoffs.) It's hard for the Flyers to get motivated to play teams that are in desperation mode. The Rangers game was a different story. What, you forgot that they were The Rangers? Flyers vs Rangers Sunday games are great! Flyers played their worst game of the season and got shut out 7-0 at home on live National Television against a big time rival. That shit is not cool. If that wasn't a wake up shot, then I don't know what is. Don't go Mia Wallace on me, Flyers; I can't be plunging needles into your breast plate.

But we're not in panic mode - it's more of a "deer in headlights" mode. It's hard for us to tell if this losing streak is a truck or not. If it turns out to be a tractor trailer, and not kids with flashlights, then it is indeed panic mode time.

Jody Shelley hinted there is some trouble in the locker room regarding players work ethic, and it’s an issue the team will remedy on its’ own. Hockey players are known for policing themselves, and Jody Shelley is a big ass dude that is hard to argue with. I hope everything works out, Jody. Not only with the team, but whatever that knot is you got goin' on in your ass cheeks.

LET'S GO FLYERS!

[pic via Scott Levy / Getty Images]

Kendrick Perkins Misses Boston, Wishes There Was Better Sports News

2011-03-04T15:26:00.003-05:00

In case you haven’t noticed, this is the most exciting thing happening in sports at the current moment. Shit’s real sad right now. But at least Kendrick Perkins’ shattering heart is doing its’ best to keep us mildly entertained. The Sad Perk meme has hit the internet in full force, and as silly and dumb as it is, makes me oddly satisfied and amused.

Perkins loved Boston and promptly turned into Sir Weepy Vaginaface after learning he was traded. Don’t be such a sourpuss KPerk. You play basketball for a living and are a millionaire. Just because you had to move away from your friends doesn’t mean you gotta pout like a 4th grader. At least you’re not Baron Davis. He was traded to Cleveland and is probably loading the bullets into his gun right now.

[Sad Perk]

This Is Why Cartoon Network Should Be Banned From Holding Sports Award Shows

2011-03-03T12:04:00.000-05:00

There are so many things wrong with this. First the obvious - the Phillie Phanatic, one the most universally beloved mascots in all of sports history, lost in the “Most Awesome Mascot” category - to a deer named Bango. SHENANIGANS I TELL YOU!! What is going on in the world? The Milwaukee Bucks don't even have fans; how the hell did that thing win? My brain is cramping as I try to put rational sense behind it all.

What really chaps my ass is that Cartoon Network decided they're enough of an authority on sports to produce the Hall of Game Awards show in the first place. Nickelodeon already has that whole "children's award show" angle down. Just stick to re-runs Ed, Edd, and Eddy, Dragonball Z, and Adult Swim and everyone will be happy.

I know what you’re saying - "Come on man, stop hating on this kid's show. Nobody watched it anyway." And you know what italicized voice? You're right, it was for the kids. We can't help it if today’s children have the intelligence of a brick when it comes to something as simple as casting an online sports vote. I bet their fathers are same people who got Alonzo Mourning , Vince Carter, and Shaq voted into all those NBA All Star games ages after they were still worthy. FOR SHAME.

No Sex For You

2011-03-02T22:49:00.005-05:00

Wow, kicked off the team for giving your girlfriend the meat stick. That's about as rough as it gets (the situation, not the sex, which for all I know could have been boring ole missionary style). I mean, I understand that this is something players (and students) of BYU are aware of when they decide to attend the school, but it still bottles the mind. No sex? Why the fuck would you even go to college? The guys at BYU have to be walking around with the bluest of blue balls you could ever imagine (cause, of course, masturbation is frowned upon as well). Imagine their first load? It's gonna fucking kill a bitch, and shoot her corpse to the goddamn moon.

And sex is just the tip of the iceberg, they are also supposed to be honest, abstain from alcohol, coffee, tobacco and tea, AND attend church. I mean, I couldn't do any of those things...and I don't even smoke. I think the moral of this story is simple: bang a Mormon girl right after she graduates. I bet she'd ride your shit till you're shooting air.

Oh, and check this link out. Can you imagine if every time you had to jerk off, instead you ate a snack? Seriously? If you think America has a weight problem now, HOLY SHIT. Every dude would be walking around at 400 pounds easily. And you know bitches do it too. We'd be one fat ass country, too large to fuck, eating all day long cause we're horny as crap.

Two-Part-Giant-Sized-Mega-Colossal Podcast!

2011-03-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

We have a very particular set of skills that makes us mildly entertaining for people like you.

In part 1: Our take on the NBA trade deadline

In part 2: We call Wetz to talk Brian Wilson, Phillies, and Fantasy Baseball. Then we call Maurice for a little Jeffrey Lurie Oscar discussion, an intense review of Angelina Jolie's career, and some other randomness.

(Note: we aren't the most technologically savvy people so we're still working out the kinks. Phone calls may be a little fuzzy, and I have no idea if the 1 speaker issue has been resolved. Nonetheless, give it a listen and enjoy)

Part 1
Download Podcast

Hosted by kiwi6.com free mp3 upload.
Download mp3

Part 2
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Hosted by kiwi6.com free mp3 upload.
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Flyers Trade Deadline Talk And Shit

2011-03-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

So obviously the word is out that TheWizWit is the official place to be when it comes to what the Flyers should do and shit. I mean, why else would they bring Zherdev back into the lineup, if not for my "Let Zherdev Spin" campaign? How bout that Versteeg Richards Zherdev line the other night? ... Jordan! (Is it now time to say, "Kobe" as you take a jumper? Is that what the kids are doing now? Personally, I prefer to do my shot callin' as I invoke Jordan's moniker. To each his own I guess) Long story short, nailed it! If only they would listen to my "Stop with this Nodl Shit" campaign, everything would be Cake + Money.

Yeah, we lost that game against the Senators the other night... whatever. Pronger was out, and Boucher finally had that inevitable Boucher game. And we learned lessons. We learned that Chris Pronger and Mike Richards cannot miss anymore games. When either of them are out of the lineup, the team just isn't right. We learned that Bob is our playoff goalie. Boucher is having a great year, but he always breaks down around this time of year, and he looked terrible against Ottawa. And we also learned that we needed a 7th defenseman. Acquiring Nick Boynton off of waivers was a real nice move. He's a 78 overall, and we got him for nothing. You take that all day, right? I think we got a lot of our questions answered this month, although Bill Clement disagrees with me. His speaking voice is way better than mine, so he wins. That's how Obama won, right?

Flyers traded some Phantoms for a part time winger, Tom Sestito. He's a 6'5" 228 lbs. gorilla beast, who will factor into the Flyers plans for next season. He'll be a 25 year old, Jody Shelley next year. I'm cool with that. Keep on paying attention to me Flyers Internet Scouts, I got a lot of good suggestions on what you should be doing and shit.

PS- Claude. Giroux. Is. Stupid.

LET'S GO FLYERS

The Speed Dealing, Elevator Fixing, Philadelphia Repairman

2011-03-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

[Philly.com] A Philadelphia elevator repairman who dealt crystal meth so he could afford his own $500 a day drug habit, was sentenced today to two years in federal prison. Erik Todd Trovarello, 35, was nabbed distributing large quantities of methamphetamine out of a U-Haul storage facility on Washington Ave. in South Philadelphia.

Let's hear it for the war on drugs. Although I have to question this story a bit. I don't really know anything about dealing and doing drugs, but a $500 a day meth habit of his own? Really guy? How the hell are you functioning? You should've died AGES ago. He's gotta be the BEST elevator repairman in the history of elevator repairmen. Just speeding from job to job and fixing elevators like it aint no thang. Anyway, I just hope Tony Danza plays this guy in the movie. Why this story immediately made me think of THIS movies' title, I have no idea. But I bet Tony Micelli would NAIL it.

Is This A Risk We're Willing To Take?

2011-02-28T21:25:00.005-05:00

[Huffington Post] - "[Dumb and Dumber] has run a bunch of times on TV in the states, and kids will come up and they'll be able to quote lines from that - lines that I've long forgotten," Bobby Farrelly said (via Moviehole). "If we could get those two guys back together, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels that might be a worthwhile sequel - and that ball is in motion. We're starting to think about what those two dimwits would be doing twenty-years later in life, and hopefully we'll be able to come up with something worthy of a sequel."

I know what your thinking, Jim Carrey isn't really funny anymore and Jeff Daniels is dead. Ok, maybe he's not dead but he's hasn't exactly been pumping out gems recently (see, RV and Space Chimps as exhibits A and B). Truth be told, I'm not sure how I feel about this. The potential suck-o-meter is certainly flashing with this one, but don't the Farrelly brothers deserve a little benefit of the doubt? Yes, they made The Ringer but we can all make mistakes, right? At the very least we'll get some good nostalgia out of this, and maybe - just maybe - a good movie. God knows we need something to get the stank out of mouths from Dumb and Dumberer.

Stuff Your Worries In A Sack

2011-02-28T20:33:00.006-05:00

[FanGraphs] - Yes, the aches and pains are starting to add up, but a broken thumb is not the kind of injury you expect to be a lingering problem, and his 2007 problem was caused by getting hit by a pitch. The nagging hip and knee pains are problematic, certainly, but given that he was still an elite player with both problems last year, I don’t think we can claim that either has demonstrated enough severity to cause his skills to diminish all that quickly. Will Utley average 150 games per year going forward? I’d call that unlikely at best, but the Phillies shouldn’t be too overly worried that he’s going to stop producing when he is on the field. It’s quite possible that they won’t get any more +7 WAR seasons from their second baseman, but there is enough precedent to suggest that he can still be quite useful for many years to come.

Chase Utley is one of the best players in baseball. That, regardless of this latest injury, is an indisputable fact. When he is on the field and healthy, Utley produces at a rate that few other players in MLB can match. He walks, hits for power, steals bases and fields 2nd base better than any other guy in the league. But, as an article by Dave Cameron at FanGraphs today mentions, he probably can't be counted to play 150+ games anymore. Age is slowly catching up to him, and things like "knee tendonitis" and his prior hip injury are just the first signs of what may become an issue over the rest of his career.

However, what is important to realize is that the rest of the Phillies roster has been upgraded with this in mind. Rubes was smart, he realized that he had a declining offense that may never return to it's 2007-2008 levels. His response? Build a pitching staff that can help make up for that difference. Think about it, the Phillies pitching staff as a whole last year recorded 18.4 WAR (according to FanGraphs). It's reasonable to assume our four main starters, barring a major drop off in career performance, should be able to better than number BY THEMSELVES (combined last year those four totaled 22.2 WAR, so even with a drop off, or missed starts due to injury, they should surpass 2010's total). Add in a good year from Blanton and decent relief pitching and you're looking at a pitching staff that should be improved enough to handle any further drop off our offense has.

So, while we are all worried about Utley, the Phillies are still a very good team built to handle the 162 game schedule in a variety of ways. If the offense goes cold, the pitching can help them avoid long losing streaks. When the offense is hot, they'll dominate. Let's all hope Utley get healthy, but lets not worry too much just yet. This team is going to win a lot of games this year. Trust me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled funny videos and crazy news stories.

Should We Be Celebrating a .500 Team?

2011-02-28T14:56:00.000-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Hell yes, we should! How's Lou Williams' nuts taste?? Party at the Moon Tower! Alright, alright, alrighhhht. The Sixers are the best team in the NBA. Forget that 3-13 start, that was weeks ago muthafucka, I'm partyin'! Over the last 43 games, the Sixers are 27-16. That's a winning percentage of .628, which is top 5 in the NBA. They've had three straight winning months for the first time since 2001. ESPN has us ranked 8th in the power rankings, while the New York Knicks aren't even in the top 15! So, suck on that!

The Sixers are a really good team all of a sudden. I can't stress the word "team" enough (even with italics and accent marks) they are playing inspired, unselfish basketball. Sucker-free, if you will. Iggy has finally stopped going Jackie Moon, and bought into a NBA scheme. During the 9-3 February campaign, Iguodala has never been the leading scorer, not once. Elton Brand is playing extremely well, Thad Young and Lou Williams are great bench players, and Evan Turner is starting to get used to his Avatar body.

They are holding it down at home, with a 19-9 record- which is comparable with big time West contender, OKC's 20-9 home record. Playing great at home is very important during the playoffs, which leads me to believe that we can catch the Hawks and beat Orlando in a first round series. In order to do that, the Sixers are going to have to continue playing defensive basketball. They are 2-17 when the opposition scores 100+ points, and that's no good, cause playoff teams score mad points.

500 might not be something to celebrate in Juggernaut Town, but here in Philly, we've seen where this team was, and how they've grown into a competitive team without any superstars, and we appreciate hard work and diligence around here. I'm damn proud of the Sixers and how far they've come this year.

GO SIXERS!

[pic Via AP]

How Can You Not Love The Ego Of Charlie Sheen?

2011-02-28T10:43:00.001-05:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Many people believe Charlie Sheen is unraveling, while others would be quick to add he's a coked out loon spiraling towards a trainwreck-like finale. But you know what? I love the guy for it. Who takes the time to quote Allen Iverson during an interview while he's in the middle of waging war on CBS? Friggin Topper Harley does. He has a bigger than life ego and a confidence many people wish they could possess without taking on a drug habit. The guy doesn't give a shit about what anyone says or thinks - and that, friends, is to be commended.

Let's All Laugh At The Knicks

2011-02-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

This boxscore was amusing when I went to bed last night, and it's still laughable this morning. I don't wanna here "They haven't even been playing together for a week yet, give them a break." That's loser talk. The Cavs are pathetic. A team with a roster makeup of the Knicks should win this game on sheer talent alone. That would be like he Sixers losing to a team who hates their coach and only had six available players. Only difference is that Coach of the Year Doug Collins wouldn't allow that shit to go down. In the words of coked out Charlie Sheen: WINNING.

Eagles Draft Talk: Beasts and Axe Murderers

2011-02-25T16:58:00.002-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Mock drafts are stupid. The board never plays out the way anyone thinks it will. It's like Groundhog's Day, but instead of a Porcupine you have Mel Kiper Jr. So instead of prognosticating all day on the internet (you can go blind) I'm just gonna throw some names out there. But first, let's see what the porcupines have to say.

Walterfootball.com recently updated their mock draft board, and this is how they see the Eagles first three picks playing out. 1) Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin 2) Curtis Brown, CB, Texas 3) Greg Jones, LB, Michigan State. On the surface it looks like the birds would fill in their blanks at OT, CB, and LB with these picks. Carimi is a 6'8 beast, Brown is cornerback named Brown, and Greg Jones is one of those hybrid DE/LB types which usually translates into a career special teamer, which the Eagles love. If the Birds draft a tackle, corner, and linebacker with their first three picks I'm gonna be pretty happy. Hell, if they don't trade any of their first three picks I'll be happy.

Last year Howie Rose selected 7 out of 13 players who participated in the senior bowl last year, so you gotta look at who helped themselves the most during that jawn. My picks are a mixture of what I think will happen, and what I want to happen. 1) Ben Ijalana OT/G, Villanova. Don't think Carimi will be there when the Eagles pick, so they go local with Ben. I'm good either way. I'd personally want to draft Mike Pouncey, because his brother is good at football. 2) Brooks Reed, DE/OLB, Arizona. He fits the Chris Gocong/Matt McCoy style that the Eagles love, and he was one of the most impressive players at the Senior Bowl. 3) Casey Matthews, LB, Oregon. You know why I want Axe Murder Jr. He looked really good at the National Championship. And, yeah, I want Clay Matthews’s stunt double if I can't have Clay Matthews.

But what about the Corner? We ain't draftin' a corner, cause we're gettin' Asomugha. I really want ~~Corey~~ Casey Matthews, guys. Sure he's under sized and not nearly as athletic as his brother, but they said the same things about Clay coming out of college. He's projected as a Zach Thomas, as if it's a bad thing. I'd take Zach Thomas right now over Ernie Sims - ALL DAY. We need to draft some defensive swag this year, Eagles, no more BYU kids with their high character and morals. I want beasts. CAN I GET A HOT TUB!

GO BIRDS!

Brotherly Love

2011-02-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Eric Staal has a lot of brothers, so trying to kill his younger brother, Mark, might not be that big of a deal to his mother. It's not like a Saving Private Ryan situation or anything. You already punked him at the All-Star draft, that was kinda funny, but giving your little brother a concussion is cold blooded as fuck, Eric. You'd never see Daniel hit Henrik like that, they love each other.

It's an interesting moral dilemma. On one hand, you catch an opposing player trying to get the puck out of the zone with his head down. Your competitive instincts are raging. On the other hand, you used to take baths with that guy at some point in your life. What do you do... what do you do? Maybe our own Dave or Eric can provide some perspective as to what the proper protocol is in this situation.

Baseball Returns Today, Four Phils Prospects Make Top 100

2011-02-24T12:06:00.001-05:00

The Phillies tweeted out this lineup card for today's exhibition game against Florida State. Utley and Rollins will be the only two regulars not in the lineup this afternoon. Don't get too excited Mister Antsy Pants, the game will not be on TV or on the radio. I know, it blows. I was all set to ignore working this afternoon too.

As a quick tidbit, the highly respected Baseball America released their Top 100 Prospects list for 2011. In no surprise, here are the Phils who made the cut and their respective ranking:

4. Domonic Brown
39. Jonathan Singleton
56. Brody Colvin
70. Jarred Cosart

No real surprises here. I've seen Cosart and Colvin flip-flopped in other experts' rankings. I personally think Cosart will be the better of the two. (I base this soley on his nasty fastball... I really have no business predicting prospects. I don't know shizz.) But really, those four guys will be vital for the Phillies future and it proves once again, that the farm system is well stocked - even after assembling the greatest pitching rotation in the history of life.

Flyers Part Ways With Zherdev, Bartulis Parts Ways With Shoulder

2011-02-24T07:33:00.000-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Scottie meant to hit him hard, no doubt, but I doubt he intended to send Bartulis flying into the boards and separating his shoulder like that. Bartulis is not an NHL level d-man to begin with, coming into his first game in 2 months against a hot Coyotes team trying to make the playoffs. Things are gonna get rough. Gotta keep your head up, kid. This is Hockey, not fuckin' Patty Cake.

Sucks Laviolette hated Zherdev so much. This is probably how his waiver decision was made: The Part of Holmgren will be played by Brian from Family Guy while Peter Laviolette will be played by Christopher Walken-

Holmgren: I tried trading him, Peter, but everyone is gonna wait till we waive him.
Lavs (takes the gum out of his mouth): I can't stand the fuckin' guy! I hate him so much!
Holmgren: But he's got so much raw talent. I can't just waive him like that.
Lavs: I fuckin' can't stand him! He's like a fuckin' retarded Ovechkin out there! FUCK!
Holmgren: But Peter...
Lavs: Off the fuckin' team!
Holmgren: P--
Lavs: FUCKIN' NOW!
[/scene]

Hated his guts. Zherdev is a pure sniper, he shouldn't have had to play defense - isn't that why we brought in all those defenseman? He was here to score goals. Why do we not have a Zherdev - Richards - Versteeg line right now? He must have been a real jerkoff. He's got so much raw talent, and nobody wants to play with him. But why? He's your standard, crazy, ego-maniacal Russian; surely every team needs one of those. Right? Stop with this Nodl shit.

I guess I'm just getting nervous cause it's almost beard time, they're making all these moves, Lavs is going crazy with line combos, and dudes are getting blown up left and right. Our depth has been our strength all year, then bye bye Matt Walker, bye bye Zherdev - and now what do we have? I don't like it. But Laviolette is a great coach, and maybe this helps out Leino's contract talks or something. I'm conceding that these men are much more knowledgeable than I am when it comes to both, hockey situations, and where to buy nice suits. All I'm sayin' is that your moves is suspect, yo.

Flyers beat the Rangers on Sunday and got points against the Coyotes on Tuesday. They are blowing the East away, and I'm upset because Zherdev got waived, and Versteeg is wearing number 10... That's John LeClair's number... All-in-all, I'd say I'm up at this point. But O'Donnell is likely out, Betts is out, Bartulis is out, Shelley might be out, and Boucher might be hiding an injury. Might be nice to have some skilled hockey players hanging around in case someone gets hurt.

LET’S GO FLYERS

Mathletes Finally Win One

2011-02-23T21:47:00.005-05:00

Caltech hadn't won a conference game since January 23, 1985. 1. 9. 8. 5. Holy fuck shit. Think about that for a second. The last time this team, of brilliant minds but absolutely terrible basketball players, won a conference game LeBron James wasn't even one-month old. WrestleMania didn't exist yet. Nintendo hadn't launched the NES in the US, Microsoft hadn't launched Windows. Ebony Magazine thought Michael Jackson would eventually look like this. Poor Ferris Bueller hadn't had his day off yet. Seriously.

So, congrats Caltech. Blowjobs for everyone.

Team they lost to? They have to give the blowjobs.

[h/t turd ferguson blog]

Predator: The Musical Looks Fantastic

2011-02-23T11:17:00.002-05:00

Yep, that settles it. I would totally go and see a Broadway musical of The Predator. The whole thing was tremendous. I don't think the guys who put this together could've crafted a better masterpiece. If you're a guy, it is engrained in your DNA to agree with me on this. You know the second the singing Arnold voice hit your earpiece, you smiled like a dopey fool.

As an added bonus, hit the jump to see an outtake from Predator 2. The sequel kind of sucked, but I secretly watch it everytime it's on TBS. In many ways, I wish this was the actual ending of the film. Make sure you stick around to the end... even Danny Glover joins in on the fun.

[h/t Jon and Al Kaplan via Where's Weems]

Idaho Thinks You're A Bitch

2011-02-23T07:59:00.001-05:00

If you're wondering what prompted this question - it was this video that made the Internet rounds a couple days ago. But the real story is how badass Idahoans think they are. The entire union is fearful of wild gorillas lurking around every corner, but not Idaho. Nope, those hillbillies aren't scared of shit. I don't know much about the state of Idaho beyond their plentiful potatoes and love of blue Astroturf, but at least now I know they'll totally beatdown Amy from Congo's ass if she gets out of line.

[h/t Buzzfeed]

Jesse Makes Me Biddle

2011-02-22T21:22:00.005-05:00

Ok, so that wasted 2 minutes of your life, watching a 19-year old minor league pitcher get all hot and sweaty. For those of you that are now satisfied...there's nothing wrong with that. It's 2011, more power to you.

And for the rest of you...a girl with large breasts solving a Rubik's cube:

We Have Melo! And Amare! And...Some Other Guys!

2011-02-22T19:55:00.004-05:00

First off, let me begin this by saying I’m a fan of what the Knicks did. If you have a chance to acquire a top 10 (or 15) player, and pair him with another top 10 (or 15) player, you have to do it. When Melo is dropping 35 on Miami on Sunday, nobody in NYC is gonna miss Wilson Chandler or Danilo.

HOWEVER, the Knicks still aren’t that great. Yes, this gives them a base that could potentially be great over the next few years, but as of right now they really aren’t much of a threat (outside of taking one of the East’s contenders to 6 games in the first round) to win anything this year.

“But Dave,” you drunk-as-shit-happy-as-fuck Knicks fan might say, “We got Chaunce too. And Melo will own the Garden. You don’t know shit, we owned the Bulls twice AND we beat the Heat. Eastern Conference Finals, here we come! Bitch.”

Bitch, I'd respond with the quick fact that the Knicks only have three good players now. And remember defense? Yea, the Knicks don’t play any. Melo isn’t exactly a defensive force, and Amare basically blocks a few shots and that’s it. I mean, I'm a Billups fan and everything, but that guy isn’t guarding Rondo, Rose or Nelson in the playoffs, trust me. Over a seven game series the Knicks aren’t stopping Wade/LeBron/Bosh, Garnett/Rondo/Pierce/Allen or Rose/Boozer/Noah/Deng. It’s just not happening. Sure, they can catch fire from the three for a game or two…but remember they just traded Gallinari, Chandler AND Felton, who accounted for 5-threes per game at about 34% shooting. Sure Melo and Billups probably can make most of that up, but there isn’t the depth of 3-point shooting anymore. While the Knicks will still score a TON, how they score will need to change (Billups isn't a pass-first PG, which this offense is predicated on). It's definitely going to take some time. Again, I’m not saying this trade shouldn’t have happened, but it doesn’t exactly leave the Knicks as a true contender. Certainly more interesting, just really not that scary...yet.

If you don’t believe me check this link out. This guy knows a whole lot more than I do, and says it in a whole lot better way than I can. Long story short? Melo and Amare ain’t a perfect marriage…not like Cliff Lee and Phillies.

But don’t worry New York, we got your back. Our 76ers will be out in the first round too. Shared pain, baby. Shared pain.

Phillies Will Win 111 Games

2011-02-22T15:01:00.005-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Before I give you this prediction, I should let you know that I'm like, half a psychic ova' here. I see things in dreams, I swear to god. And I can also detect left handed people. Basically, I can say what you're thinking, if you said something next to me. Sometimes, I'll be singing a song, and then I turn on the radio, and that song is on, swear to god. So I'm using my powers here, to come up with a prediction of sort. So here it goes: The Phillies are winning 111 games this year.

How did you come up with this arbitrary number? Simple, the universe talks to me. Here's a thing; take the year you were born and add that number to the age you are/will be in 2011. Example, me: 84' + 27= 111. It works for everyone. J-Roll said we were chasing history. 111-51, it's happenin' like Sammy Kapanen.

Baseball is a game of numbers. Any true fan will tell you that. It's the math of the game that makes the most sense, and when you combine the math with wild speculation, and a community college level understanding of logic, it makes perfect sense. If Robert Downey Jr said it, you'd be all like, how clever.

Go Phillies!

[pic via Philly.com / Yong Kim]

Joe Blanton Is Taking The Picture

2011-02-22T12:09:00.001-05:00

This appeared on the great Todd Zolecki's blog this morning. Apparently this photo shoot is actually for a NY magazine. Less surprisingly, they didn't bother to ask Joe Blanton about it.

I know, I know. I thought R2C2 had made a stand against all group photos and interviews that don't include Heavy B too. But in the grand scheme of things, Joe Blanton's homered in a World Series, will have a great year as the 5th starter, and is a millionaire. Don't feel too bad for the guy. He's just happy to be here.

[h/t The Zo Zone]

This Is Why Fireworks are Illegal

2011-02-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

Roman Candle Duel Headshot - Watch more Funny Videos

That's what you get, you shaggy-haired retard! A frickin Roman Candle right in your face. All up in yo' face. I have no idea if this kid was OK after this, and I don't care. I'm more upset the toolbox who appears at the :25 mark wearing biking shorts and Shock G sunglasses didn't catch one too.

Chooch: The Best Player on Earth Post

2011-02-22T10:15:00.002-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

I know what I am about to say will be met with a lot of mouth farts and head shakes. Many of you will say, "Hey, Anonymous, stick with your obligatory hockey posts and smart ass comments in the comment section." But I keeps it real.

So here it goes: Carlos Ruiz should bat fifth. I, 2, 3, 4, FIF.

Backwards ? Estoy Loco? Maybe... but Chooch is the most underrated player in baseball, both offensively, and in his ability to call a game. Honestly, how many great Phillies moments have you enjoyed at the courtesy of, Ruiz? A lot is the answer. Chooch is clutch. My man, batted .302 last year. Sure, he only had 8 homers and 53 RBIs, but he was just filling his role. He strikes me as a Juan Castillo type, maybe because I perceive them both as Mexicans, or maybe it's because I believe that given the opportunity, Mexicans, no matter what country they are from, will do whatever job is asked of them. Just look at Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, and Juan, from the pizza place... What do all these men have in common? All Mexican, all superstars. I think a hora es aqui para el Chooch.

Of course, I'm only suggesting this line-up against lefties. He's a righty, and we know we need one of those. We've seen his power, and we know he has the capability of getting hot. I'm all about batting him fifth. Still worried about Chooch's numbers? Let's compare them to World Series Champion, Buster Posey's numbers: .305BA, 18HR, 67RBIs. Posey bats in the top half of the Giants lineup, and Ruiz is better than Buster fuckin' ass Posey. You're tellin' me Chooch can't put up those numbers? I can't believe no one is even suggesting it. Let's look at it.

Versus Left: S- Rollins; R- Polanco; L- Utley; L- Howard; R- Ruiz; S- Victorino; L- Ibanez; R- Francisco
Versus Right: S- Rollins; S- Victorino; L- Utley; L- Howard; L- Brown; R- Polanco; L- Ibanez; R- Ruiz

All I know is, that when MLB The Show 11 comes out, this is gonna be my franchise mode lineup. Chooch is a steal in fantasy baseball too. He's ranked like 350 something and everyone knows it's hard to get a good catcher past the 6th round. Fuck Carlos Santana, I'm grabbin' Chooch, late... no homo. It's a stretch, but I'm just thinking outside the caja.

GO PHILLIES

The Brind' Amour Face

2011-02-21T15:29:00.000-05:00

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

They call it, "The Brind' Amour Face." It's when you flare your nostrils and lips and don a blank stare, thus appearing ugly and stupid, yet intimidating all at the same time... in the face. It's known world wide, from Philly to Carolina, and everyone does it in intense situations such as feeling for ripe melons and/or winning face offs. Actually, I'm the only one that does this face. But I do it for fun, out of love. Roderic Jean Brind'Amour was born doing it.

It's not just Rod Brind' Amour's puck blasted face that got his no. 17 jersey retired last night in Carolina, It was his work ethic and determination, his talent and skill, his championship caliber leadership, and his thick thighs. His dedication to the gym is obviously the reason he holds the Flyers franchise record for consecutive games played. He looks pretty passionate about tanning and laundry as well. He kept himself in great shape for his 20 plus year career. I mean, shit, he played in Philly for 9 years, when we traded him to Carolina he was old, and then he goes and plays 10 more years, and wins The Cup in 2006! Crazy healthy.

He is best known as a face off winning machine. The combination of his strength and face makes out drawing him nearly impossible. He is also regarded as a great defensive forward, which he won a Selke Trophy for, in 2006. What I will always remember, is how many open nets this man missed while wearing the Orange and Black. Don't get me wrong, he was a prolific scorer, about 25-30 goals a year, all I'm saying is that he could've easily scored 85 goals a season.

It's easy to understand why the Carolina Hurricanes honored Brind' Amour by retiring his jersey. He is a hockey Icon in both cities. Clearly a fan favorite for both the Hurricanes and the Flyers; he practically built the Hurricanes and won the Stanley Cup, and I still see at least 15 Brind' Amour jerseys every time I go to a Flyers game. That's why it was cool to see the Flyers organization honor the night, not by sitting in the dressing room during the festivities, but actively engaging in the ceremony by having all the Flyers wear no.17 Brind' Amour jerseys during the pre-skate and banner raising. Brind' Amour is our guy too, and he recognized that in his speech. It was real classy by both franchises. Props to the Carolina fans who cheered the Flyers for their participation, that was nice. We're all a bunch of nice guys ova' here.

And then we lost 3-2.

LET'S GO FLYERS

The Staples Center Seems Confused

2011-02-21T11:34:00.002-05:00

What's worse? @StapleCenterLA's butchering of "NBA Legend" Detlef Schrempf's name, or their incredibly loose idea of what constitutes a Legend? I guess "Two Hall of Famers Standing Near 'Big Smooth' and 'Det the Threat'" didn't have the same ring to it.

[h/t SportsbyBrooks]

Your 'Black Freckles' Rap

2011-02-20T16:03:00.000-05:00

Here's the latest from DJ Steve Porter in the form of his Blake Griffin Rap. In all honesty, this wasn't one of Porter's better works, but this one has a bunch of dunks so that has to account for something. Plus it's a reason to further push our nickname for Blake Griffin. Give it a try - you know it's fun to say.

Black Freckles will catch on. Just you wait.

What do Demar Derozan and Andre Iguodala have in common?

2011-02-20T01:31:00.009-05:00

They both got robbed in a dunk contest. Derozan's two first round dunks were far more impressive than Blake's two offerings, but Blake advanced. Hell, Javale McGee probably should have won. But, dunk over a car + crazy hype machine = slam dunk championship. At least it didn't take Blake 20+ attempts like Nate Robinson when he robbed Iguodala of the title.

Just for the hell of it, 11 angles of Vinsanity's 360 windmill after the jump.

And Here We Have Chris Bosh Resembling An Ostrich

2011-02-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

After pouring over the evidence, examining some scientific formulas, and taking a quick glance at this picture, Chris Bosh is definitely an ostrich. That shit is uncanny - it's really quite astounding in a creepy sort of way. Now, I'm sure Bosh isn't thrilled about looking like a big dumb bird, but at least it's better than what Google thinks of him.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude and @Adri_Mane]

Did Someone Take a Dump in Ian Kinsler's Cereal?

2011-02-18T06:59:00.001-05:00

So Ian Kinsler decided to take a shot at DeSean Jackson, Mike Vick and Manny Ramirez for no reason at all by saying this:

"This isn't DeSean Jackson or Michael Vick or Manny Ramirez," Kinsler said, according to Richard Durrett of ESPNDallas.com. "Michael Young is a professional. It would be completely out of his personality not to be here."

Ok, I get why he included Manny. That actually makes perfect sense. But DeSean and Vick? Neither of them have ever demanded a trade or spoke ill of their organizations. What the hell is up his cornhole? It's kind of a dick move if you ask me. If nothing else, maybe Michael Young should stick around to play some second base when Kinsler misses a quarter of the season during his yearly DL stint.

[h/t ESPN via Philly.com]

The Two Days Late Kris Versteeg Article

2011-02-17T12:52:00.003-05:00

Written by TWW friend "Anonymous"

So, we went out and got Kris Versteeg, and that's pretty cool. He could be like a replacement Gagne in the playoffs. He was a Chicago Shmohawk last year, but that's okay, I always kinda liked the guy, but don't get it twisted, I will always hate his face, and I will always resent him for what he did to me last year... it was inappropriate, and I did NOT give consent.

Not for nothin', It's kinda hard to be mad this year. The Guys are 38-14-5, that's the second best record in Hockey. Our only real competition in the East is Boston and Tampa. Pittsburgh is just some team now, with Malkin out for the year and Crosby's fate being compared to that of our very own concussion magnet, Eric Lindros. Check the eerie comparisons with these guys. We all remember how great Lindros was, until Scott Stevens put that permanent gay twinkle in his eyes.

Basically, we're winning The Cup this year. There's only two things I can think of that I would want fixed on the squad. 1.) Just let Zherdev spin around the ice and toe-drag as much as he wants. You let Giroux do it last year. He just wants to score goals girls love. 2.) Nodl, who is the Hockey equivalent of a stem-cell, needs to decide what kind of player he wants to be. He's a classic jack of all trades, master of none. Get him off the first line, and don't make Richards play with him anymore... just stop it. Other than that, we're in good shape for a deep run this year. Like a SCUBA Marathon.

LET'S GO FLYERS

Don't Get Stuck Like A Cactus

2011-02-17T11:59:00.001-05:00

I was right there with the SEO Rapper, but he lost me when he suggested I pay 300 dollars for something. I ignore my real job for hours a day to entertain you people. You see any ads on this page? We do this shit for free mayne! Ok, just kidding, if anyone does want to advertise here, please send us an email with a bunch of dollar signs in the subject. We're totally worth it.

But for real, let me get mo' serious with you for a second. If you actually listen to what this guy is rapping about, it's all true. I can't even make fun of him - the guy knows what he's talking about and sounds halfway decent doing it. The SEO Rapper is the truth, son!

[h/t Videogum]

Dom Brown Will Thwack Many A Ding Dong This Year

2011-02-17T09:55:00.000-05:00

I'm sold. Just give him the job. Having so many veterans around him can only help accelerate his rise to future super-stardom, right? Right?? According to Jim Salisbury's article on CSN Philly, Dom Brown not only fixed the flaw in his swing, but added 10 pounds of muscle as well. I can't wait till he's shagging fly balls in his hat and rocketing moonshot dingers at missile-like speed. It’s going to be epic.

[CSNPhilly]

Would You Discuss Undergarments With This Man?

2011-02-17T09:20:00.001-05:00

[PennLive] Rip Alan Swartz, 43, of the 100 block of East Main Street, turned himself in Tuesday to Upper Allen Township police on charges of harassment relating to the sexually explicit calls to local businesses in October. Police say female employees at the businesses would receive phone calls from Swartz on multiple occasions when he would attempt to engage the women in conversations about pantyhose.

Ole Rip Alan here kind of looks like an old school relief pitcher from the early 80's with that shaggy, drugged out, mustachioed look. Although in actuality, I'm going to guess his greatest success was working night security at an area Bambergers. Anyway, the article goes on to say he placed over 400 harassing calls a day to unsuspecting ladies. That's some hardcore dedication - 400 calls DAILY? Dude was committed and nobody can take that away from him. But my favorite part about this clown came in the last sentence of the article:

He was arraigned in Hampden Township on Feb. 11 for 21 counts of harassment and released on bail with the condition that he not call or visit Hooters, Bob Evans, Applebees or First National Bank of Marysville.

Cue the Sesame Street 'One of These Things is Not Like the Other' music. I hope it was worth it pal. You just cost yourself a lifetime of wings, sausage links, mozzarella sticks... and... uh... bank withdrawals.

BOOM, ROASTED.

2011-02-16T19:14:00.006-05:00

So earlier this week most of us saw the photo above of Cliff Lee rockin' a "BOOM" shirt. As amazingly awesome as (all alliterations aside) that shirt is, Crossing Broad was able to confirm that they weren't for sale. Stupid Nike.

Thankfully, though, the folks over at I Don't Give A Schmidt took it upon themselves to make one. So, yea, I know what I'll be wearing opening day. I suggest you do the same.

BOOM. Cliff Lee.

[image c/o The Zo Zone]

iPads: Your New Crusty Restaurant Tool

2011-02-16T12:05:00.001-05:00

[USA Today] When the new chain Stacked: Food Well Built opens its first of three Southern California units in May — this one in Torrance — sitting atop each of the fast-casual chain's 60 tables will be an iPad that folks will use to design and order their meals. The two co-founders — who founded the BJ's Restaurant chain — plan to place 100 iPads in each restaurant. Diners will use them to look at meal options; design their own burgers, pizzas and salads; and, if they want, use the iPads to pay for the meals.

Am I the only one who thinks this idea will backfire in the long run? iPads are cool and all, but after you go to the restaurant once or twice, the novelty kind of wears off and you're not all yelling, "Oh snap! I can order food on this iPad??" And if you are, don't forget to take your mid 90's slang back to the DeLorean on your way out.

To me, part of the whole restaurant experience is being waited on, sifting through a menu, and making my girlfriend choose between two separate meals for me. If I wanted to push buttons on a screen, I would've just went to Wawa and ordered a meatball sandwich.

But none of that matters in "fast-casual" food you say? Ok, fine. I'll play your game John Q. Rhetorical… Can you imagine just how friggin' greasy that iPad is going to get over time? Sure the establishment will try to keep them clean and wiped down after each meal, but we all know that won't last. Every time I buy a pair of sneakers, I swear to myself that I won't allow any dirt smudges. For a while, those sneakers are pristine, but then laziness takes over and I’ve got dirty shoes. Before I stretch comparisons any further, here's your lesson for the day: Laziness wins all battles. People are slobs. And iPads used as a menus/payment method is asking for disaster. Big crusty disaster.

[pic via USA Today]

ESPN's AJ Mass Has No Idea What He's Talking About

2011-02-15T09:43:00.000-05:00

That completely asinine blurb appears in ESPN.com's recent 2011 Fantasy Baseball Sleepers, Busts article. I don't know if AJ Mass just mailed this one in or what, but he couldn't be any further from the truth. I'm not even looking at this from a fantasy baseball perspective - it's just all wrong from a general baseball aspect.

I try to not get on anyone for stating their opinion, but it's tough when they're basically inventing a reason like this. The reason Hamels has been a .500 pitcher over the last two seasons has nothing to do with the execution of his curveball being "few and far between". Wins are a fickle stat and not entirely indicative of how well a pitcher is performing. Plain and simple, Hamels got no run support last year. He struck out over 200 guys with an ERA of 3.06 for Christ’s sake. If he even gets a little more run support, he's easily a 15 win pitcher. In fact, according to Fangraphs, Hamels only threw his curve 8% of the time last year due to the introduction of his cutter. The debut of that cutter helped keep hitters off balance and only helped make his fastball, curve, and changeup (his true “out pitch”) more effective.

Anyway, it's predictions like these that just annoy me and make me wish AJ Mass was in my fantasy league. If you're looking for some really exceptional fantasy baseball advice, do yourself a favor and go to Razzball.com. Best fantasy blog on the interwebs. You can thank me later.

Google Image Fun - Pitching Rotation Edition

2011-02-14T21:03:00.006-05:00

So I Google "Phillies pitchers" and I found the gem of a photo above. Apparently this was the cover shot for the Dallas Morning News and their 2006 MLB season preview. The Rangers, who must have been so proud of themselves at the time, spent an off-season acquiring past and future Phillies pitchers Adam Eaton, Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla. Not exactly Halladay, Lee and Oswalt (hell, not even Joe Blanton). The Rangers finished that season 80-82, with Eaton making only 12 starts and Millwood and Padilla pitching to 4.50 ERAs. Yea...someone lost their job for that one.

Oh, and the answer to the provocative cover story question? No, no they can't.

All the more reason to love Rubes. And our pitching staff.

Smile.

[photo via phillies.com]

And Here We Have Some Beer Battered Marshmallows

2011-02-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

Beer marshmallows kind of sound like an odd combo at first, but from the looks of that picture, I'm willing to go all-in and endorse its deliciousness. Truffle Truffle is a chocolatier in Chicago and has invented these nuggets of unhealthy joy. Each marshmallow square is made from scratch, dipped in chocolate, and then topped with a sweet and salty beer-pretzel brittle.

I'm always amazed when new food concoctions are brought to my attention... even though it makes me feel like such a fatass. Between that and my love of the Food Network, I'm guaranteed to be a sarcastic tub of goo later in life. Luckily, for my health’s sake, there's no chance in hell I'll ever be tasting these beer marshmallows - just four of the squares cost $10 while a 12 piece box rapes you to the tune of $30 (plus tax and shipping). I'll spend my money on several 100 Grand bars, thank you very much.

[Slash Food]

Jose Reyes is a Snitch

2011-02-14T09:58:00.001-05:00

[NYP] If their parents can't get truants to go to class, maybe Magic Johnson can. Or R&B superstar Trey Songz. Or the Mets' Jose Reyes. Even Mayor Bloomberg is going to give it a shot. The city yesterday launched a program called WakeUp NYC that enlists celebrities to place automated phone calls to chronically absent students at 25 schools.

Ah yes, that's the ticket. Have athletes and performers send a bunch of impersonal pre-recorded phone calls out. That'll surely make kids care about going to school. I mean, who does Jose Reyes think he is anyway? Tattling on a bunch of kids for skipping school...he's only bothered showing up for 169 of the Mets last 324 games and nobody's blowin' up his spot.

Yeah I went there. Suck on that Mets fans.

Jeff Van Gundy Doesn't Think Rondo Is Very Funny

2011-02-13T22:59:00.003-05:00

As much as I hate the Celtics, and Rajon Rondo, I have to admit this was a pretty smart move by #9. Watching the game earlier, it became increasingly apparent that the Celtics have a tremendous mental edge over the Heat. Rondo and Kevin Garnett, while punks, are so constantly intense that it wears on teams. It was obvious that LeBron, Wade and Bosh got frustrated in the second half, and it's things like Rondo's huddle snooping above (and Garnett shoulder to Mike Miller) that help contribute to that frustration. So, while I can't exactly say that Rondo's tactic was good sportsmanship, it sure seemed to get the job done.

Of course, if he ever does it again, I hope LeBron punches him is his gay little face.

Michael Young, Heartbreaker

2011-02-13T22:48:00.004-05:00

I have to say, I had a similar reaction when the Phillies traded Bobby Abreu. /sarcasm

[Video via Big League Stew]

Doug Collins is Abe Lincoln

2011-02-13T09:02:00.000-05:00

A day after knocking down the San Antonio Spurs at home the Sixers continued their winning ways by defeating the Minnesota Timberwolves on Saturday night by a score of 107-87.

And Doug Collins has now become Abe Lincoln.

"Did you say Hey Blinkin'?"

The Sixers improved to 26-28 on the season after toppling the 13-41 T'Wolves. Despite facing a less-lofty challenge as the night before, Doug Collins knew he couldn't let his squad rest easy on Kevin Love and his wolf-pack. "I don't know if we could've won this game earlier in the year after a big win," Collins told the media after the game. "I used an Abe Lincoln line before the game … Abe Lincoln always said you don't judge a man in adversity, everybody's humble then, you judge him when you give him power."

On face value Collins is talking about maintaining his team's determination following the win over the Spurs ... but he also could be speaking of himself. If he keeps flashing that humble smile after every win he'll finish the season by resting his top hat on the Coach of the Year Award.

The Sixers' next hairy match-up comes in the form of The Memphis Grizzlies on Tuesday. It won't be long before the All Star Break, and then we'll see who's left holding the reigns.

Andre IguoDEFENSE

2011-02-11T22:50:00.009-05:00

A few weeks ago 76ers GM Rod Thorn was quoted as saying that Iguodala was the Darrelle Revis of the NBA. He’s crazy, right? Crazy like a fox.

In the Sixers victory against the league best San Antonio Spurs, Iguodala dominated. He was 2 of 15 for 7 points. Still, I stand by my statement. Iguodala made at least 5 or 6 amazing plays on the defensive end against Richard Jefferson and Manu Ginobili. The same Manu Ginobili that has entered himself into the MVP discussion this season. Is Manu the only All-Star Iguodala has locked down this year? Hardly.

A week earlier I watched Iguodala shut down Carmelo Anthony. Melo managed only 12 points on 3 of 12 shooting, and was clearly frustrated throughout the game. You might be thinking Carmelo has checked out from the Nuggets, but this is the same Carmelo Anthony that has averaged 33.4 ppg in the 7 games since playing the Sixers.

Back in late December, in a loss at Boston, Paul Pierce (Iguodala’s main assignment in games against the Celtics) went 4 of 15 for 11 points. The same Paul Pierce that’s name happens to be Paul Pierce.

Then, there’s Kobe Bryant. The Black Mamba. Surely, my case for Iguodala fails when you check the box score from December 31^st and see that Kobe dropped 33 on the Sixers. Wait…what’s that? Iguodala didn’t play in that game? Nope. But in the one game Iggy played against Bryant this year, Mr. Mamba scored a grand total of 9 points.

Is this a small sample size? Kinda. But those guys are all All-Stars this year. Joe Johnson, another All-Star, has averaged 14ppg in two games against the Sixers this year. Kevin Durant did score 33 on the Sixers, BUT…you guessed it, Iguodala was out. The only perimeter All-Stars this year that have good numbers against the Sixers (w/ a healthy Iguodala) are Ray Allen, Lebron, and D-Wade. Hold on, are you telling me Lebron shot a combined 10 of 27 in two games against Iguodala? Yep. Well, Iguodala doesn’t typically guard Ray Allen or D-Wade (See Pierce, Paul and James, Lebron).

If you recall, one of my hopes for this season was for Iguodala to embrace the shut-down defender role that he played on the FIBA World Championships team. There’s a good chance that he won’t find himself on either of the All-Defensive teams at the end of the season, because voting for those teams is like Gold Glove voting in baseball. However, if he continues to play like this against the NBA’s best, it’s going to be hard to talk about the best defenders in the NBA without putting Iguodala in the discussion.

Bobby Clarke Has A Pretty Mouth

2011-02-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

SI.com's Photo section posted a gallery today of "Hockey's All-Time Best Toothless Smiles". Clearly, our own Bobby Clarke ranked high on the list. Also making the list was Dan Carcillo. Check out the whole gallery HERE. It's a good way to waste 5 minutes. Trust me.

So really, how great of a photograph is this? I dare you to make this your wallpaper for the rest of your work day. At the very least it's bound to bring people by and stir up some good sports conversation. God knows you’ve already given up for the day.

Would You Buy A $400 MacBook From This Man?

2011-02-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

[WTSP.com] Officer Augello found a FedEx box turned inside out and packaged with Apple labels, making it look like a brand new laptop computer inside. "He told me that someone sold this to him for 400 bucks. I said, 'But its 2,299? May I open it for you?'" the Officer said. When Officer Augello opened the package, it was indeed a phony parcel. Inside, there was a phone book, sealed in saran-wrap and bound with packing tape. The phone book was from Tallahassee.

Oh Clyde Brown, you scallywag, you almost had me with the old phonebook-in-a-box trick. I thought I was getting a hot deal on some of Steve Jobs’ personal stock. If I wasn't such a worrywart when it comes to fake ass Apple logo's taped to boxes, we would've had a deal.

Ok seriously, this guy looks like a collegiate 1980's point guard who wasted his talents on coke and white girls. Who the hell is trusting enough to believe there’s a laptop worth $2,299 is inside that shitty box? Man, people are gullible as hell. But I guess we have to at least give this guy points for coming up with a good way to put phonebooks to use.

Jim Washburn To Give D Line Steroids, Continue Looking Grizzled

2011-02-11T11:12:00.001-05:00

CSN Philly - After a federal investigation, a grand jury indicted Washburn and three other South Carolina coaches on charges of distributing steroids. Washburn eventually agreed to a plea bargain in which he was sentenced to serve three months in a halfway house and three years of probation.
“I did a stupid thing a long time ago, and I’ve paid for it ever since, and I got sentenced to prison,” Washburn said. “Let down my family. It was stupid. Stupid thing. I’ve paid for it ever since. I guess I’ll pay for it the rest of my life. I guess I’ll never take another job and not have somebody bring it up. That’s life.”
Eagles fans will love Washburn. He’s got the same brutally honest, self-deprecating, down-home, country personality as Charlie Manuel. Unfortunately, because Reid does not allow his position coaches to speak with the media, we may never hear from Washburn again.

I love every bit of this. Keep 'em quiet, Andy. I know the shit was a bazillion years ago and that now dude looks like a lemon party cock, but I really hope he introduces the Birds' D-line to some how-not-to-get-caught steroid use. Those pricks were horrible last season. I don't care if they all get depression or tiny balls or rickets or whatever -- I just wanna see drug-enraged monsters giving Eli Manning the ol' Clay Matthews/Kevin Kolb head smash. Just knock his brain back to 11 years old.

If Daniel Teo' Nesheim is 6'7" and 360 by training camp, you'll know this motherfucker is doin his job.

Yup, This Happened

2011-02-11T10:17:00.000-05:00

All Cop.

Philly has Rocky. Detroit's fictitious inspiration is RoboCop. I see nothing wrong with this and would totally love to get a picture next to a RoboCop statue. You know... if I could do it without setting foot in Detroit.

Sad Face Emoticon: Golden Nugget Tavern On Fire

2011-02-11T09:26:00.001-05:00

If you've ever been to the Golden Nugget, you know why this is so troublesome. There's little information right now, but the blaze began at 5 a.m. this morning and took firefighters an hour to control. There were no reports of injuries and no cause of the fire has been stated.

If you're confused why a fire at this country dive bar makes me weep, it's because I frickin' love line dancing, okay? Alright, not really, I hate that shit. But The Nugget, in my expert opinion, is THE best place in South Jersey to get wings. They're delicious to a degree you can't even wrap your feeble mindgrapes around. All you can eat wing nights? I drown my breakfast in that sauce.

I know what you're saying, "Two food related posts in a row?" Yeah, there are. You got beef? I hear food posts come in threes, so you better watch your back. Anyway, here's hoping the Golden Nugget gets back up and running soon and doesn't displace hoards of wing eaters and all of South Jersey's over 40 crowd.

PYT Burgers Will Eat You

2011-02-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

That's TV's Rachel Ray shoving a miniature submarine into her cavernous mouth. If you wanted to have the same experience then you're in luck. There is a PYT Burger in Northern Liberties. It's a destination vacation for a man looking to absolutely flush away a day's paycheck and the loosest parts of his colon.

If you take a look at their menu they specialize in creative burgers and "adult" shakes. (That is, milkshakes with alcohol in them, NOT the condition Michael J. Fox has.)

If you're not a drinker they have regular shakes for 5 (FIVE!!!!) dollars. That's a shake. It's milk. And ice cream. It's five dollars.

If the $5 shake was any indication, this place knows how to put a proper price on your inner psychotic child's idea of "having it your way".

The Burger Menu is an acid-trip of combinations that would make the Yellow Submarine proud. Take for instance:

The Krispy Kreme Burger. (It's exactly what it sounds like.) If you're looking to kill off your grandmother in order to take her house, I recommend serving her the Krispy Kreme Burger. If it doesn't give her a heart attack just by the sight of it, it should clog her throat before it bothers to reach her arteries.

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of tackling this God Awful Monstrosity. The Cheeseteak Pretzel Roll Burger:

(From their menu: "The legend, Beef patty topped with cheddar & stacked with a Philly-style cheesesteak ("wiz wit", of course). Served on a giant pretzel roll, baked fresh just for us at Philly Pretzel Factory.")

Was it good? Of course! Was it worth $12 and the ordeal of eating it with only one napkin provided? …well, it's certainly not intended for every day consumption. Especially when twenty minutes later the Congress of My Ass formally voted to declare war on the nearest porcelain chair.

After this intense gluttony session this is seriously what my toilet ended up looking like:

Michael Jordan Is Bad Ass

2011-02-10T19:54:00.004-05:00

[ESPN.com] - Short on players for practice, the Charlotte Bobcats found an extra body in the front office: Michael Jordan. The Hall of Famer and Bobcats owner suited up for Thursday's workout, participating in a full-court scrimmage and showing a few of the old moves that helped make him a six-time NBA champion. "He's Mike. He's been kicking our [butts]. He still has it," forward Gerald Wallace said. "He doesn't have this quickness, but he can score, he's a shooter. The last thing to ever go is your jump shot and he has that."

Seriously, MJ is awesome. In between being a bad GM, gambling millions upon millions and probably laying tons of pipe, he's still able to get out on the court and ball with guys half his age. At 48 I'll probably have prostate problems, ear hair and a gut the size of Andy Reid. Jordan? He's dropping fall-away jumpers over Gerald Wallace.

Baller.

R U Rah Rah

2011-02-10T13:19:00.002-05:00

Hahaha suck it, Nova. Sure, you're a private school with higher educational standards and national basketball recognition while my Alma Mater is the home of STDs, nappy headed hos, and paralyzed dudes, but fuck it. We won. Ya'll lost.

Ya burnt! ...Which is also what most Rutgers women say immediately following sex with a new partner.

[Goes to bathroom and pees fire]

h/t The700Level

Norm MacDonald Coming Back To TV Should Be Fun

2011-02-10T10:27:00.001-05:00

Norm is coming back to TV with his own weekly Sports show on Comedy Central and I couldn’t be more excited. His awkward style of dry, blunt humor is nothing short of fantastic and he should’ve been back on TV ages ago.

The Onion's Sportsdome has been hit and miss, but I have a feeling MacDonald's new show might catch on. His face might be looking like an old catcher's mitt these days, but after all, he was the guy who did THIS. Alas, every new show I invest myself in seems to disapper after one season, so this post is probably a kiss of death.

I Bet It Tasted Like Crap

2011-02-10T09:16:00.000-05:00

Poo Muncher Caught On Camera - Watch more Funny Videos

Well that was unpleasant. I stumbled upon this and felt obligated to force your eyes on it as well. This lady dives deep into her cavernous backside, does a little digging, and decides to take a whiff. Then gives it (what looks to be) a quick lick. WHAT. THE. FUCK. You clearly just dookied your drawers, but for some reason, decided to go back for seconds. My favorite part of this comes after her confirmation sniff when she looks at her friend and as if to say, "Welp, it happened again."

Her actions just boggle my brain. I won't even do an over-the-pants butt scratch in public for fear of someone noticing. It's like a covert mission to accomplish that feat when others are around. Minutes of planning and precise movement go into relieving my itchy buns. If you ever catch me forearm deep in my ass, by all means, bash me in face with a brick. I'll understand.

[h/t Break]

Ugly Chick Dropkicks the Hell Out of Two Skinny, Less-Ugly Chicks

2011-02-09T12:31:00.001-05:00

"Dropkick" may not be the correct term here, more of a front kick or Big Boot. I fucking love the Big Boot. One of my all-time favorite wrestling moves. Throw some dude against the ropes and he just comes running full speed back at you right into your heel. Why doesn't he just stop running? Who knows. What I do know, is that this video has proven that the practical use of this front kick/big boot maneuver in a real-life fight environment (outside of a club) is useful.

So watch out, club-going-tough-guys-who-wanna-start-shit-outside-the-club. There's a 6'6" blogger who will front kick your shit into a two-day hospital visit you can't afford.

Also, what is it with girl fights that stop them from being able to jump someone? There's THREE OF YOU. This ain't Enter the Dragon. You don't have to wait for the ugly broad to beat up your friend before you attack. If all of you just punch at the same time, it's curtains. Jeez.

h/t Unathletic

Wanna Hear Shawn Bradley and Chad Lewis Perform As Backup Singers?

2011-02-08T17:06:00.011-05:00

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Add musical talent to Shawn Bradley’s disappointing life resume. I don't really have too much to add about Chad Lewis… I was too busy being distracted by Bradley's awkwardness. I almost wish they crammed as many former Philly BYU products as they could in the video. Ty Detmer on the sax, Vai Sikahema playing the jug, and Reno Mahe could work the triangle. Now THAT, my friends, is a band.

Oh and Jimmer Fredette is the truth. My schedule these days doesn't permit much NCAA basketball as I’d like before March. Having said that, I don't know if Jimmer's game is going to translate to the next level, or if he's more in the mold of Adam Morrison’s crustache. What I do know, is that Kevin Durant said he's the best pure scorer ever. The guy is hella fun to watch and has a big-shot swagger I love. Scorers like Jimmer don't come around too often, so us white guys can't help but man-crush the shit out of 'em when they do.

[h/t ksl.com via BGN]

It's Impossible To Not Get Chills By Watching This Video

2011-02-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so ready for this season to start. My child-like impatience is making me sick of all the Spring Training countdowns... I just want baseball and I want it right now. I don’t even care that the guy who made the video made some of those nicknames up. This video is well done, satisfies my daily craving of baseball, and managed to get me even more pumped for April 1st.

Go Phils!

[h/t to our friends at TheSchoolPhilly]

Your Ridiculously Early Superbowl Odds For 2012

2011-02-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

Bodog posted the early lines for each team’s odds at winning Superbowl XLVI. Our Philadelphia Eagles sit at 16/1 which is actually slightly worse odds of winning than I'd thought they get. I figured they'd be more in the 14/1 or 12/1 range. As you might've guessed the Packers have the best odds at 7/1, followed by the Patriots at 8/1 and the Steelers at 10/1. The Birds have the same odds of winning next year’s Superbowl as the Falcons, Cowboys, and Jets. Your “longshots-who-will-never-win-a-Superbowl-ever” teams are the Panthers and Bills at 100/1.

So if you're a betting man, here are two picks I'd jump on now in case either of these teams signs/trades for a QB for next year: Cardinals 75/1 and Vikings 35/1.

While they're both giving you great value, don't fall into a trap of broken promises and disappointment by betting on the Chargers at a silly 12/1. Those fuckers have ruined my Superbowl prediction for the last 3 years. Bunch of paper-champion, poorly coached, shitheads. Philip Rivers is a boner.

Brent Celek's Groin Is Excited To Meet You

2011-02-07T17:11:00.001-05:00

So am I crazy or does Captain Morgan look like AJ Daulerio and sound like Guy Fieri? He does, right? Whatever. Even though I hate spiced rum, this was actually kinda funny and supports my thought that Brent Celek would be a cool guy to have a pizza party with.

Anyway, I'd really just like to know what other work the actor who plays the Captain has done. You just know he has a long list of credits he's not proud of. Like "Pirate #3" at Little Jimmy's Bar Mitzvah. But alas, the Internet has failed me. I searched for ~~minutes~~ ages and couldn't even find the guy's real name.

[h/t KSK]

Larry Fitz Wants Him Some Hogkiller

2011-02-07T11:55:00.002-05:00

Each Arizona Cardinal who attempted to pretend they were an NFL quarterback failed miserably last year. Arizona QB's threw a total of 10 TD's all year while their completion percentage barely reached 50%. So to avoid another disaster, and actually have a chance to resign Larry Fitzgerald (he's a free agent after next season), they must sign a viable QB.

Adam Schefter reported that when the Cardinals asked Larry Fitz who he wants tossing him passes next year, he responded with a ringing endorsement of Kevin Kolb. Thank you Larry Fitzgerald. I always knew I liked you. Zona has the #5 overall pick in the draft and I can only pray they're foolish enough to give it up for KK.

For what it's worth, Fitz second choice was Marc Bulger. He's basically given them the option to either trade for Kolb, or sign a washed up, injury prone Marc Bulger off the street. This is why you don't ask players for input into personnel moves.

TheWizWit Has a Podcast?!?

2011-02-07T01:08:00.030-05:00

Click play below to enjoy the soothing sounds of our voices as we discuss topics ranging from Juan Castillo to Prince Fielder's fat ass.

Download Podcast

"I Think He's Supposed to Be Crumping"

2011-02-06T03:07:00.000-05:00

I can't explain exactly why this is so funny. It just is. The fat kid, the Urkel, the husky riverdance, the commentary, all of it.

Jack fuckin murked this thing with the double-handed diagonal air punches. Steve (like Urkel), unable to continue his frantic Michael Jackson-like spasms, pulls out some wack jumping spider move. Pfft. Jack wins this shit hands down.

"Ooo HE'S LIKE FIGHT...DANCING." You're damn right he is.

Wocka Wocka, Who Wants To Hear A Funny Ass Joke?

2011-02-04T08:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Friday, friends. Aren't you glad you came by this morning?

Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but this shit is funny to me. If I walked into a bar bathroom at 2AM drunk off my ass, I'm not sure if I'd just laugh hysterically, be completely upset, or just petrified that one scene from The Shining was about to go down. You know which one I'm talking about. Uncoached gets all the credit for unearthing this gem. There's so many questions here that I'd rather not speculate any further.

[check out Uncoached for other assorted goodness]

Who Needs Piledrivers and Body Slams, I Just Wanna Dance!

2011-02-03T23:38:00.004-05:00

Can you imagine a heated Legion of Doom and Natural Disasters tag team match in the early 90's suddenly breaking out into the ridiculous dance-apalooza we see above? Of course not, but thinking about it now, don't you really wish that had happened? Don't you?

Yes...yes you do.

Hypnotize.

At Least His Career in Porn Will Be More Successful

2011-02-03T15:23:00.000-05:00

Well that was inappropriate. I have no idea if this wisenheimer ended up getting fired, but I'm going to assume he probably did. I just knew this was heading toward full on train wreck when he did the mini-squat. Dude went as far as to turn to the camera and give a comedic pause. I suppose you gotta respect that. I can only hope Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz makes a sexually explicit “thundersnow“ reference someday.

[Cosby Sweaters]

Shane Victorino Quoted Saying Something We Already Know

2011-02-03T11:01:00.001-05:00

Boom. Victorino's quote isn't much of a stretch considering everyone who watches baseball is going with Philly vs Boston. And while it's a pretty harmless offseason quote, it makes me even giddier for the season to start. Or maybe it's just that beady-eyed lemur. I’m not sure which.

[quote via HardballTalk]

Fat Lady in (Possibly Homemade) Phillies Lingerie

2011-02-03T10:31:00.000-05:00

Oh God...I think I just became a Mets fan.

Lady -- there aren't enough Usher songs in the world that can save this video from the fact that you look like a floppy-tittied man in a ridiculous Phillies bikini. I kept waiting for you to unzip your back and for Martin Lawrence to pop out or something. Just...weird.

h/t to CrossingBroad and their Twitter @CrossingBroad