Coffee's a Dollar and People are Furious

Wawa Coffee -- It Ain't Free, But It's Cheap - Wawa is awesome. Why? Well, because for the entire month of January, you can grab any size, any flavor of their coffee for $1. Yup, just a dollar, no matter what size or flavor you fancy. Enjoy!

This is amazing.

How and why could any anyone click "Furious" or "Sad"?  Are you a Wawa stockholder?  Do you have a Mormon-like hatred for hot drinks?  The fuck is wrong with you?  I clicked "Thrilled." Why? Because French Vanilla cappuccino is motherfucking delicious and is worth me losing my toes to diabetes.

Side note: the milkshake machine is also amazing and completely underutilized. I never see anyone but myself using this thing. Don't you see what we've accomplished? Taking a frozen cylinder, putting it into a machine, and getting a delicious milkshake in mere seconds. That's some Jetson's shit! If the milkshakes were a dollar I'd lose my whole foot by MLK day because of that 57 grams of sugar thing.

Proof: Sports Writing is Crazy Easy

h/t philly.com

Marty Mornhinweg Definitely Probably Going to Coach Browns

With Eric Mangini officially out as Browns head coach, there are several reports that the Eagles Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach/Slashie award-winner may be a top replacement candidate. That's if Jon Gruden doesn't want the job (he doesn't) and if former Eagles GM and current Browns GM Tom Heckert wants him (he does). It's a match made in shitty franchise heaven!

ROLE PLAY!

Mike Holmgren: Marty, I'm really happy that you are here and I want to thank you for all of your hard work in the off-season. It wasn't easy prying Kevin Kolb away from the Eagles for only 3 first-rounders. Plus I know things got a little crazy after the whole Sheldon Brown suicide attempt fiasco. Great leaders are tested in tough times, Marty. A fabulous example you're setting for these young men.

Marty Mornhinweg: Thanks, Mike.

MH: But I have to question some of your tactics during this weeks game. I know it's only week 1, but what was up with those 3 consecutive Peyton Hillis wildcat plays?

MM: Those -7 yards are worth keeping the defense on its toes, Mike.

MH: ...Right. And that Chris Gocong bubble screen?

MM: Kolb and Chris have great chemistry. Wanna get the ball in the hands of our playmakers.

MH: ...Right. I just hope Tom and I didn't Make a mistake bringing you here to be a Head Coach. You're a great football mind but I don't want you to get in over your head like things did when you in Detroit--

MM: Nonono, I've got everything under control. And don't worry about that whole LeBron James jersey giveaway disaster -- I'm sure a lot of those kids will see again. I've got a great feeling things will pick up after I make this deal with Marcus Vick's agent...

MH: You're fired.


Fin.

Garbage Pile - 1 Suicide Attempt - 0

Some New Yorkers took the Giants' playoffslessness a little too hard. Vangelis (Angelo) Kapatos of Midtown Manhattan jumped from his apartment expecting to meet his maker, and met week-old Chinese, rotten Totinos Pizza Rolls, and apathetic paramedics instead. According to the NY Daily News:

"The young man...[was] troubled by a threat of eviction from the rent-regulated apartment."

The rent is too damned high.


h/t DoobyBrain via NY Daily News

Leonard Weaver Is My Favorite Person

There is no doubt that Leonard Weaver is the coolest fullback ever. EVER. I mean, the guy laughed out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud at my joke. Couldn't ask for more.

I really hope Uncle Rawle appreciates this.

Tim Cowlishaw's Impeccable Description of Last Night's Game

Couldn't summarize Sunday's game any better. The JV Eagles aka the Chad Hall Show aka DeMarcus Ware's Prison Bitch lost by a point to the Stephen McGee-led Cowboys, 14-13. In other news: nobody gives a shit. The regular season is dead and the Birds need to figure out a way to keep Concussion Time from ruining their playoffs.

[Pulls inflated Butterscotch Krimpet Tastykake bag from microwave]

FUCK! HOT! TWENTY SECONDS WAS TOO LONG!!

Happy New Year, Cliff Lee

World Series Champs 2011?

Go Phils.

Happy New Year, Michael Vick

How 'bout we win a Super Bowl, ok?

Go Birds.

Happy New Year, Andre Iguodala

Denver seems like a nice city, right?

Go Sixers.

Happy New Year, Sergei Bobrovsky

It's time a goalie got us a Cup, right? Bob?

Go Flyers.