SAVINGS ALERT: Buy One, Get 50% off All Dignity!

Custom logo’d jeans for MEN.

Holy shitballs. These are horrifying. I can't fathom any situation where NFL.com has sold a single pair of these monstrosities. You just know they have a whole warehouse full of classic, uncomfortable, stonewash straight-legged denim just waiting to have the Eagles logo emblazoned across the ass cheeks.

Ladies, if you’re considering buying these for your man, you might as well save yourself $74.99 and just give the lucky fella a swift punch to the dick. That pain will at least be temporary. These jeans will haunt him forever in the form of humiliating jokes from his buddies.

BONUS: 

NFL.com doesn't stop there.  There's a way that you too can walk all over the Cowboys this year!

Flyers Lose, Pronger Wins Hockey Comment of the Year

Passive aggressive pot shots for all! How can you not love having a guy like this on your team? My favorite part is the smirk he gives each time he takes a shot. Despite the shootout loss, this post-game interview is full of WIN.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 12 NFL Spread Picks

There's no fictional animal in the world scarier than flying sharks. No jackalopes. No centaurs. No warecows. Nothing. You're scared of us, humans, which is totally irrational since only ONE of you die from our attacks per year. And that's only because were nice and you guys taste bad. But if we could fly...oh boy. We'd be a whole lot scarier to you jerks than an STD or some dude on your flight wearing a turban. Anyway, check out the immeasurable awesomeness of this picture. It has many of the basic components of the absolutely ridiculous: sharks, explosions, chaos, sky diving, and highly skilled government agents. It's like a Jason Statham movie captured in one single picture.

Alright, so last week the Shark put together another winning campaign with a 9-7 effort. That brings us to 85-69-6 on the year. Without further ado, hit the jump for your Week 12 picks. Due to the Holiday and my immense amount of laziness, you're not getting commentary about each game. We've done this grouping format in the past, so you'll have to deal with it for a week. Enjoy your week off from me shitting on the Bengals, Jaguars and Chiefs.

Eagles 27, Giants 17: Is This Awkward?

Green Man-Eating Monsters - The Eagles official site's splash page this week was right on point. Instead of focusing on Michael Vick like everyone else in the world, PhiladelphiaEagles.com managed to emphasize the defense's ability this year to generate turnovers. The Birds are now #1 in the league in turnover ratio at +20, having recovered 2 fumbles and intercepting Manning Eli 3 times Sunday night. Baby Peyton Manning was right: those big green monsters really are all about the flying brown pig.

What else did we learn? Eff the Terrorists, Jaaaaasoooooonnnnn..., Toughest Competition, Jason Peters and Todd Herremans Won the Game, Beating the Best, The Manningface Meter, Run Stoppers, and Da Bears are Turrible.

Dinner Was On DeSean

Check out this video from the Eagles' locker room immediately following their 27-17 victory over the New York Giants. In the video DeSean Jackson addresses the team, says that "two-five" (LeSean McCoy) won them the gave, but in the end gives ultimate credit to the linemen. Their reward? Dinner anywhere on him.

One of the players in the background yells "We wanna go to LA." I'm sure DJacc wouldn't mind. [Warning: video loudly auto-plays so if you're reading this in a feed...you've probably already noticed]

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 11 NFL Spread Picks

Feast your beady lil eyes on the handiwork of Jocelyn Carrington.  You may remember her from such previous TheWizWit masterpieces as: Black Roy Halladay and Ice Gold Samuel Dalembert .  She was kind enough to whip us up an official portrait of The Shark himself.  Before yall flood the ole inbox with requests, we're in the early stages of mass-producing those buttons.  Like tens of thousands worth.  You can wear them to work, school, the supermarket, during sexy-time, dinner...literally anytime.  If Max Jean Gilles can sling mousepads for $21 a pop, you'll buy buttons from us right?  Right???

The Shark managed to recover from a disastrous Week 9 and turn in a positive performance of 8-6 for last week.  That brings the yearly total to 76-62-6 with seven weeks to go.

Strap in and pull out your rent money; this is where we pay for your loved ones' Christmas gifts.

Philadelphia Eagles 2012 Pro Combat Uniforms

Calm down -- no need to freak out. These are just phony concept unis for the 2012 season when our friends at the formerly-sweatshop-labor-employing sportswear juggernaut Nike replace Reebok as the NFL's official uniform supplier. But wow, what a difference.

You've seen these uniforms on the Oregon Ducks and a handful of other NCAA football teams this season, and for the most part they've looked pretty cool. But the hideous interpretations of the Jaguars and the Steelers makes you want to shield your eyes with one hand and stab their designer in the throat with the other. That's not to say there aren't some good-looking changes, though. I think the Colts, Raiders, Panthers, Cardinals, Titans, Rams, and especially the Jets have to be happy here.

The Eagles version....meh. Don't particularly love or hate these.  They're kinda vanilla, especially when you consider what Nike did to the Patriots.  AMERICA!


h/t to Shutdown Corner and [shudder] The Bleacher Report

Bad Ass Mickey Morandini Baseball Card

Seriously, I've seen a lot of baseball cards and this has to be one of the most bad-ass ones around (as is this one). Mickey is layin' the wood to some crappy catcher (who I think is on the Mets but I can't quite tell) obviously scoring a game-winning run. He probably slept with multiple girls following this game, and then combed his mullet slowly as he looked over his conquest. As we all know, Mickey Morandini rocks.

Oh, and he's also back in the organization now as the manager of the Class-A Williamsport Crosscutters. But really, I just wanted a reason to show that awesome card.

Enjoy your Friday.

Even The NY Post Has Given Up

The NY Post’s Paul Schwartz has posted an uber-sarcastic little number entitled "Eagles Can't Be Beat, So Why Should Giants Try".  You can read it in full here.

Here are some highlights:

All will not be lost for the Giants after they lose Sunday night in Philadelphia. Sure, they won’t be in first place anymore, but they will be only one game behind the awesome Eagles and heck, a wild card playoff berth still represents progress after last season’s meltdown.

*****

Eli Manning is a competitive sort, but even he will admit that his abilities pale when compared with the wondrous Vick, who directed an attack that piled up a team-record 592 total yards.

*****

The Giants certainly will try to win this game and Coughlin will not tolerate any of his players surreptitiously sidling up to Vick for a quick autograph, although he probably won’t mind if Vick gives Justin Tuck or Osi Umenyiora a sweaty wristband, as long as they don’t brag about it to their teammates.

Schwartz’s post consists of 926 sarcastically-soaked words, but the point behind the article is to beat you over the head with the fact the Eagles are the darling of the NFL after their domination of Washington. I don't necessarily disagree with that, but I’m sure Schwartz was just fine with all the high praise the Giants received from the five consecutive, convincing wins prior to last week’s letdown against the Cowboys. The whole thing would’ve been a little more effective if he decided to put a smattering of insight into the matchup instead of drowning the whole piece cynicism.

No matter - it's going to be awfully embarrassing when Mike Vick is dicking the entire Giant defense en-route to sole possession of first place in the NFC East.

Go Birds.

A Player by Player Restrospective: Ryan Madson

Juan Uribe. If Ryan Madson is anything like us fans (which right off bat, I'll admit, is unlikely) he probably falls to sleep at night having nightmares about Mr. Uribe. I mean, if I gave up a go-ahead home run to a player that effectively ended my team's season it would probably stick with me for awhile. Fucking Juan Uribe.