Okay, so the Birds lost to the Joe Webb Vikings. Whatever. The Eagles are the #3 seed in the NFC regardless of what happens in week 17 and it's looking like they'll face the Green Bay Packers on January 9 in Philly for the first round of the playoffs. Not as ideal as a first round bye, but playoffs is playoffs and the cream always rises to the top. Unless you're the 14-point dog Vikings playing an away game in Philly with zero playoff chances quarterbacked by a run-first rookie. Dammit, I told myself I'd let it go....
So the Packers it is (probably). As our friends over at Bleeding Green Nation pointed out yesterday, there are some silver linings here. While our favorite hog slaughterer will sling passes to Riley Cooper and Chad Hall in a meaningless JV game against the Cowboys on Sunday, the starters' minds will be on the Packers. The same Green Bay team that survived the first unleashing of the Michael Vick Experience in week 1. No easy task.
You know most of the talk will be about Aaron Rodgers and his poise and his arm and his concussions, but at some point it becomes pointless. The Eagles have a wack-ass defense. They're 22nd in points allowed and give up more red zone scores than a horny chick on her period. The Packers are going to score. A lot. The key to this game will be how many cheap turnovers the Birds D can generate, and, more importantly, if the offense can actually play consistently good football.
No 4th quarter comebacks. No bullshit. I'm talking 4 straight quarters of DeSean Jackson out patterns, Jeremy Maclin crossing patterns, Shady McCoy screens, and Mike Vick fuck-this-play scrambles for 30 yards. If they can do that, they'll win.
Holy shitballs. These are horrifying. I can't fathom any situation where NFL.com has sold a single pair of these monstrosities. You just know they have a whole warehouse full of classic, uncomfortable, stonewash straight-legged denim just waiting to have the Eagles logo emblazoned across the ass cheeks.
Ladies, if you’re considering buying these for your man, you might as well save yourself $74.99 and just give the lucky fella a swift punch to the dick. That pain will at least be temporary. These jeans will haunt him forever in the form of humiliating jokes from his buddies.
BONUS:
NFL.com doesn't stop there. There's a way that you too can walk all over the Cowboys this year!
I know we're all still depressed from a weekend of awful, but hey I've got a little good news for all of us: The Dallas Cowboys' season is over in October. Think about that for a second, they are 1-5. Tony Romo is hurt. BlueStarShockTrooper is still very much into penis (or onto penis, one or the other). Life isn't good right now for us Philadelphia fans, but this does make it a little better.
The fact of the matter is that the Cowboys had this coming. They are a team of douchebags, it's like Dez Bryant instantly quadrupled in douche-ness the second he was drafted. They gloat, talk trash and act like they've accomplished something in the past 15 years. No matter how intoxicating Miles Austin's eyes may be, it doesn't change the fact that the Cowboys deserve to lose. They just do. (Plus, it was only a matter of time before Wade Phillips utter inability to be a head coach reared it's ugly head.)
Anyway, let's all just be happy the Cowboys suck. We can all find a little bit of solace in that.
(Oh and check out this list from Bleacher Report. I know that site sucks, but still, this list is so awful I don't even know when to start.)
I know, it’s too obvious. Honestly though, sometimes obvious is the way to go. After another competitive season in 2009 that saw the Cowboys dominate the Eagles, Eagles dominate the Giants and the Giants dominate the Cowboys (and everyone dominate the Redskins), it’s become apparent that this division will continue to be a three horse race. Yes, the Redskins added a five-time Pro Bowl quarterback in Donovan McNabb (click here for a career synopsis if you’re unfamiliar with him) but he’s really not a guy who can carry a team anymore (if he ever really was). The Redskins still have a litany of problems (see below) and ultimately won’t be a real threat to the division crown. However, the Giants and Cowboys certainly will.
The infamous BlueStarShockTrooper went and responded to our little blog post! How bout that - who would've guessed this Husky McTittyballs would've had the time in between Hot Pockets and Cool Ranch Doritos to fire off another video?
Typically, I'm not one for back and forth banter, but since we're gentlemen, I suppose we do owe him the courtesy of a response. So Mr. ShockTrooper - switch to your favorite pair of stunner knockoff Oakley's, release the fistful of Chunky wrappers from the grasp of your sausage link fingers, and let’s get this over with.
When we last left this zilch, he was wandering aimlessly through the streets of his neighborhood yelling into a Handicam about how bad the Philadelphia Eagles will be. Lo, he was not hit by traffic. However, the good news is that he seems to have gotten larger since the last time we saw him (is there a baby BlueStarShockTrooper on the way??).
While he appears to be of an indeterminate age, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he grew up in the 90's. I've come to learn that Cowboys fans of that generation harp on decades of "storied history" or immediately blurt, "how many Super Bowls have you guys won?" as their go-to basis of an argument. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of his other favorites include the Bulls, Yankees, Red Wings, Miami Hurricanes, 90's Tiger Woods, Pete Sampras, and The Harlem Globetrotters. I know it may be hard to accept change for someone whose computer looks like something Doogie Howser typed his diary into (see: background of video), but the front-running thing is tired and old. You really could do much better by trying to justify the team that's actually playing on the field in present day. Keep the Delorean in the garage, Chins.
At least in this video he took the time to learn that the ‘l’ in Kolb is silent. So I give him his due props there. But I have to stop him when he claims that his points are backed up ‘facts’. Jon Kitna is better than Kolb because he’s older and can function under pressure? Are ya sure about that? You do know that Jon Kitna threw 42 interceptions in his last 2 full seasons as a starter in the NFL, right?
And let’s dispel the whole “Kitna has a higher QB rating than Kolb” thing. Let’s put aside the fact that you even bringing this up is retarded since there’s such a small sample size to work with. Kevin Kolb has only started two games in his career. His ratings in those games were 73.2 and 120.6 respectively. Kitna’s ratings after his first two career starts were 72.2 and 91.6. So by your logic, Kolb will actually be superior.
In summation, Emmitt Smith cannot read beyond a 3rd grade level, Michael Irvin stabs people in the neck with scissors, and it took the Cowboys over a decade to get a playoff win. But hey, at least your breasts look nice and busty in that jersey!
Like all Cowboys fans, I’m sure you want the last word as much as you want the last french fry. You’ll probably fire up the old webcam and bash Philly some more, and have at it. Everybody needs a hobby.
Oh, and don’t forget - your coach is still Wade Phillips. So you’re fucked.
ALSO, this whole ordeal has opened us up to the phenomenon of Trash Talk Circle(s), which apparently are (popular?) communities of people on various sports sites and YouTube who just yell at one another about the greatness of their favorite team while disparaging everyone else. One user, RipperEagle96, sent us a an example video (which we will not post but I'm sure you can easily find) a couple of days back. This whole Trash Talk Circle thing is scary, sad, and new to me, and thus will require more research and hatorade on the part of TheWizWit. We'll let you know what we find. Stay tuned.
Wow, this shit is sadder than Big Fan. The above man-boy, known only to us as BlueStarShockTrooper, has some choice words for Philadelphia Eagles fans. There's no reason to get angered by his accusations, let alone waste time responding to them. When someone is claiming that your QB is worse than Jon Kitna, I kind of shut my ears off. To me, it's funnier to just let fatty here simmer in his own pathetic worthlessness. Look at the anger in those chins!
If Jack Nicholson and Lewis Black had a child, and that spawn mated with the Crying Giants Fan, you'd have ol’ ShockTrooper here. He has a couple other Eagle bashing videos on YouTube if you want more of him to laugh at. In THIS ONE, he adds some crusty facial hair that really just looks like he tried wiping his ass with his chin.
This post is also featured on CrossingBroad.com. Check those guys out - funny stuff and they do some real good work.
Whether you're a diehard and sufficiently brash Eagles fan or a dude named Dallas who loves birds and gettin laid, you've gotta appreciate this piece. Stumbled upon this gorgeous artifact of 100% cotton while rifling through Dad's house. Might have a small bleach situation happening on the "F", but still a great find.
There's this cloudy memory I have of my father and I going to an Eagles game and him buying this in the parking lot. I've searched for a "Fuck Dallas" t-shirt vendor at every game since and haven't seen a single one. Anyone ever see a post-kelly green era version?
And I'm not talkin a "Dallas Sucks" shirt. You might as well pull up your panties and head back into the sanctuary with that wack-ass Cowboy fan level of hostility. I mean a shirt that says "Fuck Dallas."
Also...where is it acceptable to ever wear this t-shirt? You can't wear this to the supermarket...you'd be one of those people. If you've got any semblance of common courtesy, you can't really have this on in public at all. Even if I rocked this shit to a game, once I walked past a kid I'd feel compelled to censor the 'U' with my hand or somethin.
This is definitely one of those nervously-watching-a-playoff-game-in-your-basement 8 Miller Lites deep type of shirts. Yeah. I can't wait.
After listening over the past few days about how the Eagles were going to trade up to take one of the two top safeties in this draft, Eric Berry or Earl Thomas, what do your Eagles do? Well they trade up to take a defensive end of course! Philadelphia Eagles fans meet Brandon Graham.
To get to #13, the Birds packaged their #24 pick with both of their third rounders (70th and 87th). A large price to pay, no doubt, but they were able to hold onto both second rounders which is a coup.
Or was a Cowboys fan. Either way it's a true story. Regardless of how difficult it is to consider that a Cowboys fan -- who at 25 years old most certainly cheered for Michael Irvin -- is now the franchise quarterback of my Philadelphia Eagles...I understand. Dude can't help that he's from west Texas and was born into a Cowboys fan-mily (you see what I did there?). It still kinda stings, though.
Kinda awkward with the whole overly denying his fanhood thing. At one point while explaining what he did when he got the news that he is the starter, he almost says that he did a little "hootin' and hollerin'," but stops and says "fist pumping" instead. He's trying too hard to fit in -- and even worse using Jersey Shore as a reference to east coast behavior. SMELLS LIKE GUILT.
Eagles fans, you can breathe a sigh of relief. The Cowboys aren't winning the Super Bowl this year.
Yesterday, the Minnesota Vikings dismantled (I love that word) the Cowgirls. All the "Romo has arrived" and "that Cowboys defense is playing great" talk has been replaced with "oh, right, Wade Phillips blows" and "Romo enjoys male genitals in his mouth." It's glorious.
So, Cowboys fans, fuck you. Go home, crawl under a rock and hide again until September. No one likes you, not even your mother. But she sure does love my dong.
Oh, and how great is it that the Vikings ran up the score on the vagina wearing Cowboys? Seriously, Keith Brooking, stop sounding like a 16-year old girl whose boyfriend just dumped her two days after she spent hundreds of dollars throwing him a suprise birthday party. Get over it already.
And although I place the majority of the blame on the O-line, how about we concentrate on playing sound football rather than strumming air guitar to appear unnerved, you corny, goofy prick.
Because it’s only two days away and you’ve probably heard every possible angle ad nauseam on Saturday's Eagles v Cowboys Wild Card matchup, we decided to do something fun and a little different that will trigger arguments.
You play Madden. You know what a fantasy draft is. If you were choosing from the Eagles and Cowboys and had to pick a starting lineup with the players from either team*, what kinda football Frankenstein would you end up with? McNabb or Romo? Celek or Witten? A shitty safety or an equally shitty safety?
Keep in mind this isn’t a roster based off who we’d rather have for their whole careers, just starting at this point in time and going forward.
Dave Spadaro annoys the shit out of me. As an employee of the Eagles he gives way too much praise when none is due and way too little criticism when a lot is needed. He comes across as too much of an apologist for me, so much so that I stopped reading the Eagles Web site two years ago.
DALLAS - Matt Mosley, NFC East Blogger for espn.com and former writer for the The Dallas Morning News, has reportedly had difficulty writing balanced articles leading up to the Cowboys' playoff matchup with the Philadelphia Eagles due to an abundance of Cowboys players' balls in his hands.
Mosley, an award-winning writer who is best known for coddling his beloved Cowboys and producing biased articles towards the rest of the division, first discovered the problem while attempting to think of something positive to say about the Eagles.
"I walked over to his cube and saw Tony Romo and Miles Austin standing there, bottomless," an anonymous ESPN editor explained. "Matt definitely had both of their scrotums -- four testicles total -- cupped in his hands. I'm not sure how he's going to produce this story on the success of Philadelphia's rookies without those hands."
When reached for comment, Mosley slovenly mumbled "MMMRRGH GGRRURGPH DROMMGRR MMMRRH HRRM," seemingly unwilling to take Romo's dick out of his mouth.
"He's the best," moaned Romo. "After you've had Jessica Simpson and get used to the kind of head that a fat chick can give, Matt's the only place to go."
There is no update as to when said story will be completed.
After the jump, if you haven't yet heard, is Snoop Dogg's song for DeSean's website, deseanjackson10.com. This isn't just some rent-a-rapper financial transaction, either -- they're actually good friends. Really. Check out DeSean on Snoop's (short-lived) show Dogg After Dark. And this picture of Snoop in a jersey (with Donald Brashear?). They're both from Long Beach...which I guess makes them supergood friends for some reason. Chuuch!
I'm going to take this opportunity to give a genuine thank you to Andy Reid for what he has accomplished thus far this season and in his overall tenure as head coach of the Eagles. I understand that it's playoff time and tensions are high, but what we talkin' about here, really? You can hate all you want, but let me serve as a reminder to what he's done so far this season. Sure, we've seen that a star is born in Shady McCoy, but our retard helmet superstar running back is on his last legs. Reid has steadfastly captained a ship with a brand new O-line, a franchise quarterback that won't be young forever and is only marginally liked by his teammates, a dead defensive coordinator, a convicted dog murderer, a season-ending injury to his starting middle linebacker, the second youngest team in the league, did all of this in a notoriously high-pressure football hotbed, and got them to an 11-5 season. Worried because of the result of last Sunday's game slaughtering? Get like AR, the Birds, and the wiz wit's banner: off that and onto the next one. This man hasn't lost a first-round playoff game -- ever. So chill the fuck out -- especially those of you on WIP. Fat Andy and Donovan F. run this town.
Will they win this weekend...who knows? Playoff games are as real as it gets and if they show up like they did on Sunday they'll be D.O.A. The Bad Guys are also already home, but I think the chances of the Dallas Cowboys shitting the bed in the playoffs are always good. Jerry Jones is so ambitious for another Superbowl that he personally helped fund a $1.2 billion football mega-church, but there is some feeling of inevitability for this team to fail when it counts most. Hopefully it'll be the Eagles that brings that failure. And hopefully that night, when his empire state of mind diminishes and a crestfallen Jones kicks the last Laotian stripper out of his Texas-shaped jacuzzi, the screams of his frustration will reverberate off the tiled walls of his underground stadium sex dungeon and be heard all the way to Philadelphia. Hopefully.
Two punched walls (no holes), three objects thrown across the room, and countless colorful expletives shouted at my television. In other words, the Eagles lost. Big. In a game they really needed. Countdown to devastating loss: Tminus 7 days.
On behalf of the city of Philadelphia, I would like give a big collective THANK YOU to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson for loving to fumble footballs.
Your fumble in overtime of Monday night's nationally televised game against the lowly Bears was a thing a beauty. I hope you realize that you’ve done something great for this city by conceding the #2 seed and playoff bye to the Eagles.
So next week in Jerry Jones' Cathedral of Massive Electronics, the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles will battle for not only the NFC East crown, but a much coveted playoff bye week.
This is it. For all the marbles. For the whole, big greasy enchilada. Five days till the biggest game of the regular season. Sunday at 4:15pm cannot come soon enough.
