Do You Guys Miss Me Yet?

NOPE. We're doin' just fine.

h/t to BleedingGreenNation for this (possbily photoshopped) pic.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28: The Quarterback Prototype

Madden 2004 - It happened. The promise of Michael Vick's full potential was fulfilled this Monday night in Landover, Maryland. You know the stats: 20/28 for 333 yards passing, 4 passing touchdowns, 80 yards rushing, and 2 rushing touchdowns. Yes, this changes everything.

ESPN may have the Falcons at #1 on their Power Rankings this week, but they were beaten handedly by the Eagles less than a month ago with a backup quarterback. NFL fans are now realizing that they are literally witnessing football history on a weekly basis. Mike Vick is undefeated in any game he has started and finished. He has zero interceptions. He has zero lost fumbles. He's running a very complex offensive scheme with absolute ease. He's piloting the leagues most explosive offense to new heights in a year where most of the Super Bowl favorites have been grounded. Shit, the Pro Football Hall of Fame even requested Vick's jersey from Monday night. This is big. This is historic. This is Madden 2004.

Michael Vick is in a position to make one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. A mercenary field general with a cannon arm and a killer instinct is leading a team of talent-drenched kids through the NFL jungle. Neither NFL golden boy Peyton Manning nor friendly foe Donovan McNabb could stop them. What exactly are we witnessing here?

With 7 weeks remaining in the regular season and so much left unanswered, this story is far from over. But as of now, if this Philadelphia Eagles team can stay healthy, it looks like there is a legitimate shot of Michael Vick -- the same man who spent 2 years in prison and last year running 2-yard wildcat plays -- hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

The NFL: Where Amazing Happens.

What else did we learn? LaRon Landry Got His, Dimitri Patterson's Hands are Sticky, Jerome Harrison: Karma Police, Beat 'em After a Bye, Steve Young: Critic turned Believer, How to Beat Vick, Andy Reid Back Pats, Mike Vick Head Explosion Meter, DeSean's Record, Worst to First, and Fuck the Giants.

Unbelievable

It's kinda hard to put this into words right now. As I sit here it's currently 59-21 and Michael Vick probably just had the best game any QB has ever had. Ever. I really don't think I'm going out on much of a limb when I say that. The guy just became the first NFL QB to throw for 300+, rush for 50+, throw four TDs and run for two...EVER. Like in the history of the NFL. Steve Young never did that. Fran Tarkenton didn't do it. Nor did Randall or McNabb (but he did get $40M guaranteed). And the most impressive fact of it? He did it in only three quarters.

When Vick starts (and finishes) a game, the Eagles are 4-0. They move the ball seemingly at will, running the "West Coast" offense (or at least Andy's version of it) probably better than even Andy ever thought it could be run. It's hard to find a fault with what this Vick-led Eagles team has done so far. This really is a very good football team right now, plain and simple.

It's still hard to believe that we're here now talking about Michael Vick, dominating the NFL, as a member of the Philadelphia Eagles. If you described this exact scenario, three years ago, to any Eagles fan you would have been laughed at, then had beer dumped on you. Now? This scenario may just end with the Eagles winning a whole lot more than we ever thought possible.

Michael Vick just delivered an all-time performance. Crazy. And awesome. And...unbelievable.

Go Birds.

McNabb Signs Laughably Ridiculous Deal With Redskins (IN PICTURES)

Because I can't say it any better than Barry Petchesky, here is TheWizWit breakdown of the new McNabb deal using only photographs. I hope you enjoy it, people-who-won't-be-getting-40 million dollars.

Donovan McNabb is Cheesin' on Billy Ray Cyrus

I'm not going to explain this picture. All you need to know is that McNabb's fashion sense has always been keen, he loves him some Achy Breaky Heart, and hangs out with a fake Billy Bob Thornton from Bad Santa. 

We also believe that after this photo was taken, McNabb auditioned for 'Friend #2" on an episode of Fresh Prince.

Carry on.

[pic via Redskins Blog]

Madden Drops McNabb's Stamina Rating Eight Points

It looks like Mike Shanahan, the head coach and supposed mascot for the Washington Redskins, has some pull in the Madden world. After Shanny's benching of Arizona McHuskyshape, the folks over at EA decided to drop the former Eagles QB's stamina rating from a 97 to 85 in their Week 9 update. This now assures that you'll be playing with Rex Grossman after scrambling more than 10 yards with Donovan.

Hooray for simulated football justice!

Also of note, the game's developers have decided that Kenny Britt's unlubed raping of the Eagles secondary wouldn't go unpunished as they dropped Ellis Hobbs' overall rating from an 81 to a 76 and Nate Allen's from a 79 to a 71. To reiterate: Kenny Britt has single-handedly made the Eagles' defense 13 points worse. RU Rah Rah.

h/t to Deadspin and PastaPadre

Tim Hasselbeck: McNabb Has Always Been Fat, Lazy

So by now you've all heard the story of how Redskins coach Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb at the end of last Sunday's game because he lacked the "cardiovascular endurance" to run the two-minute offense. Now, former NFL QB, current ESPN analyst, and noted Beta male Tim Hasselbeck weighed in on the situation today on Mike and Mike in the Morning with the following comments:

"I was a teammate of Donovan McNabb's in Philadelphia. One of the things that drove them crazy in Philadelphia was the lack of tempo at which he practiced.... It was always something where you're leaving the quarterback meeting and it would be, 'Hey, listen, the head man wants a little more tempo today.' Nearly every single day. That's been the deal with Donovan McNabb. I know exactly what Mike Shanahan is talking about."

Ooo, Timmy's talkin shit. YA BURNT, Donovan! I guess you'll just have to go back to being the multi-millionaire starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins while Hasselbeck hides the black eye he got from his wife under a pair of dark sunglasses.

Oh, and after the jump there's a picture of McNabb wearing a du-rag getting stretched out by a thick white lady. Enjoy!

Eagles 12, Redskins 17: Slow Clap

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

ESPN: Trite Stereotypes of Philly Fans Fun, Easy

By TWW friend Eric

The McNabb returning to Philly commentary has reached a breaking point. What I mean is that I want to break my television and the face of each idiot commenting on it. Am I bothered by those speaking on McNabb’s legacy and the upcoming game? Not at all.  It’s the idiots who are using retard-strength crystal balls to predict fan reaction to his introduction that really grinds my gears.

After the jump, I'll call out a few of these clowns by name and continue to spit hot fire on them.

Eagles 28, Jaguars 3: Boom

Michael Vick is heartless, dog-drowning sociopath...if by "heartless, dog-drowning sociopath" you mean the GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE WORLD.

Holy shit just look at my dude bein' all menacing and awesome. McNabb? He's a Chunky soup-slurpin', interception-smirking punaniface. Kolb? He sucks. But Michael, oh Michael...you're the one. You're the shit like 50 I'm-the-shit-like similes from Lil' Wayne.

Oh, what's that? You're one of those Eagles fans that could never let MV7 turn the page on his conviction? You're that guy who could never come to grips with the fact that your favorite football team is now being led by Ookie so you openly rooted  for his failure? Well I'm here to tell you it's okay -- but I know how you feel:

So what did we learn this week? Well, The Jaguars are Really Really Bad, MV7 for MVP, Save Him for Later, OBEY THE LAWS, DeSean's First Dougie, StewBrad to the Rescue, and Silence for the Dead.

Three Men and a Baby: NFC East Preview

I know, it’s too obvious. Honestly though, sometimes obvious is the way to go. After another competitive season in 2009 that saw the Cowboys dominate the Eagles, Eagles dominate the Giants and the Giants dominate the Cowboys (and everyone dominate the Redskins), it’s become apparent that this division will continue to be a three horse race. Yes, the Redskins added a five-time Pro Bowl quarterback in Donovan McNabb (click here for a career synopsis if you’re unfamiliar with him) but he’s really not a guy who can carry a team anymore (if he ever really was). The Redskins still have a litany of problems (see below) and ultimately won’t be a real threat to the division crown. However, the Giants and Cowboys certainly will.

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

I'm writing this for four reasons:

1) I haven't written much of anything recently since I'm at work from 8 - 8 everyday. Doesn't leave much room for anything else. At least I'm not working surrounded by Yankees, Mets and Giants fans. Oh wait...I am.

2) I just finished reading Bill Simmons' book Now I Can Die In Peace, a lovely novel that I suggest you read even if you hate the Red Sox (which I do). It makes you feel better about being a sports fan while still having you question why you care so much in the first place the entire time. It's really the perfect "sports fan manifesto."

Worst. Pants. Ever.

This is Donovan McNabb at his charity football camp. And he’s wearing manpris.

Come on DMac...you really sporting those in public? Were all your jorts in the laundry?

I mean seriously, somehow these things are tight and baggy all at the same time. The length is ridiculous and the strings are even worse. There’s even a bit of flare at the bottom.

And quad pockets? I see that you've hidden your dignity in the bottom-right one. Good call.

[photo via misterirrelevant.com]

The Donovan McNabb Era, Summed Up By A Woman

[This is from the latest Bill Simmons' mailbag.]

Q: Isn't the Eagles letting go of Donovan the ultimate "it's not, you it's me" scenario? Donovan has been dating the Eagles fans for years now. In the beginning it was exciting and risky. You never knew what he was going to do with the ball and he kept you on your toes. Like when my boyfriend liked to give me massages and surprise me with a card or a have breakfast for me. Each encounter (insert mood music) is hot and fresh. Then after 12 years you've found yourself faking moaning and hoping things get moving so you can fit in your 40 minutes of DVR before bed. I know all his moves and when he's going to high-step it two yards short of the first down. I know when he's going to throw it at DeSean's ankles. K-squared may not be perfect but at least his faults will surprise me. Donovan, it's been great. I loved the good times. But it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me.
-- Lauren

SG: Funny e-mail, concise, original angle. That's what I'm talking about! And by the way, only a woman could have summed up the McNabb Era in Philly.


I have to agree with Simmons on this one...she nailed it. I feel bad for her boyfriend though. He obviously sucks in bed.

TheWizWit Wallpaper Wednes....FRIDAY!

Okay, okay, so I know we've missed a few weeks. Stop thinking about slicing your arm longways, move that carefully positioned chair from under the noose in your kitchen, and no more pondering your suicide note (you won't be missed anyway) -- we're back.

Donovan McNabb...the name is forever cemented in Philly sports lore. The all-time leader in nearly every Eagles' passing statistic, the all-time leader in disconnected weirdness, and the 4-time NFC Championship silver medalist has finally left the nest to play for division foe, the Washington Racistnames Redskins.

It's difficult for those outside of the Philadelphia to truly comprehend Dirtpass McSoupSlurp's relationship with Philadelphia. Yes, we booed him on draft day. Yes, we hated his post-interception smiles. Yes, we wanted to jump through the television and punch him in the throat every time he tossed a ball at the shoelaces of our receivers only to do that "my bad" chest pat thing. But those aren't the (only) reasons we wanted him gone.

Frankly, he wasn't a good cultural fit in Philadelphia. Race aside -- and yes Philadelphia has its share of racists -- his awkward charisma and bad Michael Jackson dances are the complete opposite of what Philly fans want to see from their QB. We want passion. We want fire. And, most of all, we want CHAMPIONSHIPS. We certainly don't want this.

Perhaps if Donovan was drafted by, say, San Diego he would be the most beloved and successful African American quarterback of all time by now. But he wasn't. And neither he nor the Philadelphia faithful should be blamed for this disconnect.

Point is, he's gone. He may not have wanted to go, but he's gone. So from now until his career is ended behind the Redskins' porous O-line, we must live with the consequences of our decisions.

With that, I present Donovan McNabb, Single-Tear Redskin!

Thanks Donovan

This post isn't about the trade. Ultimately, we can't evaluate that until we see what the Eagles do in the draft, how McNabb plays with the Redskins and whether or not Kevin Kolb is any good. Ideally, or perhaps selfishly, I hope all three go well with the Eagles being better than the Redskins of course.

But we'll get to that later. For now I think it's more important to honor the past 11 years and everything Donovan McNabb has brought us. Yes, there was some bad. He threw too many passes into the ground. He had trouble shining in big moments. He puked at the Super Bowl. He got hurt a lot. Sometimes he pissed us off beyond belief.

DONOVAN MCNABB TRADED

I Hate You, Eagles. Hate.

Ok, so maybe I don't hate the Eagles. I could never really hate the Eagles, I'm too diehard a fan to do that. But I do hate you Andy Reid. And you Howie Roseman. And you Joe Banner. And you Jeffery Lurie.

Trading Donovan McNabb to the Redskins...seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to trade a franchise quarterback to a team in your own division? For a second round pick?

FUCK YOU.

Al Davis Might Get This Right

With talk heating up and the Donovan McNabb trade going from possible to impending, the Oakland Raiders are looking like the team most likely to trade for the 6-time Pro Bowler. They are the only team right now who is willing to give the Eagles a 2nd round pick without first having Hangin With Mr. Soup-er (a stretch, I know) sign a long-term contract.

Why would the Raiders give up such a high pick without guaranteeing that McNabb will be there longer than a year? Is it because Al Davis is senile leather-d corpse with zero sense of reality?

Nope -- because it's the right move.

TheWizWit Wallpaper Wednesday!

Has Goosebumps not taught you anything!?

If we really are about to end the McNabb era here in Philly -- like for real for real this time -- we all need to take a deep breath, THINK, and understand what we're getting ourselves into.

First of all, I support trading The Artist Formerly Sponsored By Soup if the birds can get adequate value for him. If the Rams really are ready to give up the 33rd pick and their Free Safety Atogwe (a 90 in Madden), I'm with it. I trust that Kolb can develop and play at a high level and hope that the Eagles are smart (and ruthless) enough to keep Vick around for the second year of his contract to take 10-20 snaps a game. That could work.  It will work.  No more dirt passes.

Sounds good, right?...feels good. Mmmmm....no more McNabb.  The phrase itself just feels like a warm bath.  Like breathing in clean laundry.  Ahhh. 

But take another breath, dummy. We are giving up a 6-time Pro Bowl easily-the-greatest-QB-in-franchise-history big arm quarterback that has taken us to 5 NFC Championship Games and a Superbowl. For what? A pick and Kevin Kolb? Don't envision Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan and forget Alex Smith and JaMarcus Russell.

And. Rodney Peete. And Ty Detmer. And Bobby Hoying. And Doug Pederson. And Koy Detmer. And AJ Feeley. Just saying.

And on that note...Kevin Kolb: The Choice.