17-8 Bitch

The Incredible Hulk. An Incredible Ass. An Incredible April. Yea, is your team 17-8 without their best player? Probably not.

Cliff. Lee.

Our First Round Draft Pick Is Old

Apparently the guy is extremely versatile (Kiper says he could play OT, OG or C). He played hockey, played rugby, fought fire, etc. Seems like a pretty cool dude, I just hope the damn kid can block cause Winston Justice sure can't. Oh, and he's 26 already, which I'm not quite sure is a good thing or bad thing. Overall though, I'm just be happy they didn't trade the pick.

From Scott Wright's Draft Countdown:

Strengths:
• Athletic with terrific quickness and agility
• Nimble feet w/ nice balance and body control
• Outstanding natural strength and power
• Shows the ability to recover when beat
• Will get some movement in the run game
• Understands positioning and angles
• Can get to second level and work in space
• Extremely competitive with a great motor
• Tough and plays with a nasty demeanor
• Still has a ton of unfulfilled potential

Weaknesses:
• A bit older than the normal prospect
• Just average size with short arms
• Frame appears close to being maxed out
• Is not real stout at the point of attack
• Does not have a lot of playing experience
• Raw technique, footwork and hand use
• Will probably have to change positions

Alleluia! Thank You Racist America!

Well, that's one less thing we need to worry about. As we all know, Madden cover = death. Thankfully, America is rather racist, still loves dogs and can't get enough of white running backs. Now our 2011 season won't be ruined (minus the still-not-quite-fixed-very-confusing lockout situation).

On another note, Hillis is fucked. Poor Cleveland, even when something goes right for them they still ultimately lose.

A Way Too Early Look At The Eagles 2011 Record

Before I start, let's all remember that I did this last year and while I predicted the correct final record (10-6), I only got about half the games right individually. So what matters more? Where you end up or how you got there? I'm going with the former, but honestly does it matter if we don't have football next year anyway? Let's hope the owners stop being bitches and end this thing. Chad Hall needs a job.

So Michael Vick Will Get Hurt Next Year

This isn't exactly a big surprise, but Michael Vick has made the finals of the Madden '12 cover tournament vote thing on ESPN. Normally any time an Eagles player gets some recognition nationally, I like it. Especially Vick, who whether we like it or not, is now our best player and the key to us winning anything next year. However, the last time this happened, well it wasn't exactly a good omen. I'll spare you the laundry list of shitty things that have happened to NFL players the year they graced the cover of Madden, but it was Vick in 2004 and he promptly broke his ankle. So, yea, here's to Peyton Hillis winning. (Odds Peyton Hillis wins, I draft him on my fantasy team, and he breaks both arms the next day sit currently at 1:1.)

Oh, and doesn't this kinda speak to how much people don't give a shit about the dog-killing anymore? I mean the guy is being voted by the fans to grace the cover of the most popular sports video game ever. Football > dogs, or so says America. (And don't just says it kids voting either, EVERYONE plays Madden.)

Homeless Iguodala tweets message from the future.

Future Andre Iguodala has sent a message back in time in an attempt to change his fate. The current mediocre-76er is future-homeless, addicted to eating diapers and spends his days getting into bumfights in the trash bins behind the City Line Taco Bell.

Iguodala sent his message via FutureTweet, a recent invention in the future (not available for Verizon customers.) Scientists put the tweet through altavista babel fish translator (homeless to english) and found the following:

STOP GIVING ME THE BALL IN PRESSURE SITUATIONS!

Earlier Monday scientists tweeted the message to present-Iguodala with a #showyaluv hastag. Present-Iggy has yet to reply or tweet a response.

Oswalt considers start in Paralympic games.

Pitching coach Rich Dubee said he had "very high" confidence that Phillies starter Roy Oswalt would make his scheduled start Thursday at San Diego. Oswalt was diagnosed with lower back strain, a condition which has previously sent him to the DL.

Not to worry Phillies fans… during his recent tour stop in Atlantic City Charlie Sheen (didn't) mention his interest in reviving the terminator and replacing Oswalt if needed.

Boom? Boom.

Just like they drew it up. Back to back lockdowns of the Nationals bats to win another series. Straight domination by Cliff Lee and a Chooch-Bomb in the 6th was all the Phils needed to head back home with a .750 winning percentage. Now the focus shifts to a certain bashing of the Marlins.

Losing two consecutive games isn’t even possible, right?

Oh Internet, You Think You Know Us Or Something?

Who needs to come up with their own clever tweets when the website 'That Can Be My Next Tweet' will do all the heavy lifting for you. The tweet you see above was the result I got when I put TheWizWit's twitter handle in. The site just scans every tweet you've ever posted and tries to make a coherent sentence out of random words and phrases you've used in the past. A lot of the time it makes absolutely no sense. But I was bored and kept hitting 'get your next tweet' about 180 times. Hit the jump to see some of the better randomness this site spit out for TheWizWit.

Edge vs Mubarak! Career Ending Match!

Former Egyptian President Hosni "The Mad Dictator" Mubarak suffered a heart attack Tuesday and has been admitted to the hospital. CNN is reporting that he was being questioned over corruption charges at the time.

This news comes less than 24 hours after WWE Heavyweight Champion Adam "Edge" Copeland announced his retirement from the ring due to neck-related injuries.

TWW Reporters are calling these stories into question.

Sources have reported that WWE competitor Edge was part of a covert government plan to settle international disputes through a gladiator-type form of political debate, not unlike the government's strategy used to end the Cold War with its secret agent: Rocky Balboa.

One of these men will change before the match is over.

Edge was chosen as the US representative to battle Mubarak in an electric cage match, where the winning side would officially take ownership of vital oil reserves in the middle east.

Unofficial results report that the match finished as a double-DQ when the Dudley Boyz came down to settle a score with both participants about the taxation of crude oil pipelines across international boundaries.

The Dudley Boys are secretly Canadien NAFTA agents.

So, did we miss out on the most awesome international battle of all time? Or is Vince McMahon waiting until Chanukah comes around to release the whole thing on a 3-DVD box set?

If gas prices go up again, we're looking at you, Edge.