Oh Internet, You Think You Know Us Or Something?

Who needs to come up with their own clever tweets when the website 'That Can Be My Next Tweet' will do all the heavy lifting for you. The tweet you see above was the result I got when I put TheWizWit's twitter handle in. The site just scans every tweet you've ever posted and tries to make a coherent sentence out of random words and phrases you've used in the past. A lot of the time it makes absolutely no sense. But I was bored and kept hitting 'get your next tweet' about 180 times. Hit the jump to see some of the better randomness this site spit out for TheWizWit.

Here Is What Asante Samuel Has To Say About Jay Cutler

So basically, Jay Cutler is bitch.  But that's not all Asante had to say.  He took to his Twitter on multiple other occasions last night to let everyone knows what he thinks about Señor Cutler. 

Hit the jump to see some more trash talk from "The President CB".

Kevin Durant Offers to Drink Scarlett Johansson's Bath Water

Me? I'd rather just have sex with her.  To each his own, I guess.

ScarJo in a bathtub GIF after the jump

4AM is Never Too Early to Make Fun of the NY Giants

The season might be over, but I was delighted to see Shady McCoy still talking shit. Even as he's partying his ass off into the wee hours of the morning, he took time out to take a little dig at the Giants and I think that’s pretty friggin cool. It makes him feel more like a real person rather than just some apathetic, high maintenance athlete. Maybe diva-ness doesn't kick in til year 3 of your NFL career. Anywho, glad to see Shady is enjoying himself.

Jose Canseco is Still Crazy, Likely Intoxicated

Dude lives in an alternate reality. Only in Jose Canseco's mind will he challenge you to a softball hitting contest, call out YouTube for no reason, then go back to his laboratory to concoct magical potions.

Seems like everything he's ever said has turned out true though. So until proven otherwise I guess I'm forced to believe he can hit softballs to the moon and slow down the human aging process.

Ladies - Marreese Speights Would Prefer You Put Down That Sammich

Sorry girls, when Marreese is out and about yall better tuck your muffin tops away.  According to his Twitter last night, Speights encountered quite a few of you.  He's blaming it on your constant consumption of cheesesteaks, scrapple, and grease-shakes. 

As you can see from this earlier tweet, this was a problem he encountered all night long. You can start the tweet-delete countdown now.

Whatever.  Anyway, Speights shouldn't be worrying about our Philly girls, and instead concentrate on the upcoming season.  Especially considering he's a guy who hasn't exactly had the best conditioning himself.  Just sayin'.

Twitter Role Models: Drunk Marreese Speights Edition

Mr. Speights would like his fans to know that he got laid last night.  Personally, I've never been drunk to the point of "ass fuck", but I guess it depends on who you're with. 

Ladies, if you can't bang Marreese Speights for more than 30 minutes, don't get drunk "ass fuck" with him, please.

*As you might've guessed, this tweet has since been deleted. 

UPDATE! - the tweet is actually just some lyrics from the song Takin It There by Young Jeezy.  We apologize.  TheWizWit is disappointed as both fans of Jeezy and as fans of athletes using Twitter to describe sexual encounters.  Carry on.

DeSean Jackson Could've Died Last Night

No details have been released regarding how ‘popn’ the event was at the time of the shooting.

Also, if you read DeSean’s twitter, how surprised are you that the Eagles don’t ask him to stop tweeting things like "U gay" and “Fucc you” to people? I love the freedom of speech, but with how sensitive our media is with what athletes say (or Tweet), this is a slow-motion car crash if I've ever seen it.

But seriously, thank you God. Philadelphia needs the wonderfully ignorant and entertaining DeSean Jackson, you know, alive.

Elton Brand is Totally Available, Billy

Not too much else for me to say - Bill Simmons summed that up pretty well. Enjoy all the long, terrible contracts and head-scratching trades!

Just be careful Nets fans - Kenny Thomas AND Brian Skinner are free agents right now.

Now if only the Sixers current GM wasn’t Eddie Stefanski…

That LeBron Heel Turn Seemed Pretty Successful

LeBron James hate-sites are predictably popping up all over the place. The shirt to the left is from kissmyasslebron.com.

Regardless of what you personally think about LeBron, his decision, or ESPN, you have to admit this was pretty much the quickest and most abrupt heel turn since Hulk Hogan joined the nWo. Right now, LeBron James is the athlete people love to hate – especially the poor bastards in Cleveland. You thought Philly hated Michael Irvin? Cleveland's level of hatred is ten times greater.

So with that, we’ll leave you with one last piece of internet fodder before TheWizWit (hopefully) closes the LeBron James chapter for the foreseeable future:

Gucci Bag Full of Cash & Jewelry: Twitter Summer Roundup

Floyd Mayweather tweeted the photo to the left over the holiday weekend. The tweet itself read "Just gambling a bit in Atlantic City". Staring at Floyd's bricks of money got us thinking... what have athletes been up to this summer? And how much better are their lives than ours?

So we hastily searched scoured the Twitter universe to see what guys have been getting into over the last couple months. A few are as normal as you and me. But plenty of others are definitely living the wild and partying lifestyle of a professional athlete. Except for one familiar face, anyway.

Rick Reilly Has A Vuvuzela Shoved Up His Hindquarters

Did you happen to catch Reilly’s article over on ESPN today? He seems to be awful bitchy about the World Cup.

Actually, pretty much just the vuvuzela in particular.

I Never Noticed Either, Jay

I'm kind of surprised I never noticed that.  The Angels are quite a silly organization.  Are Bob Sugar and I the only people who hadn't realized this before? 

For no good reason, I blame it all on Tim Salmon.