Phillies vs Eagles: A Sexy Comparison

By the TWW friend 'Ivey'
Since there hasn't been anything said about the Phillies in a week, I decided to throw in my two cents. It seems as soon as football season starts, many people -- whether they be casual fans, front-runners, or the sports media -- seem to forget about baseball. Very strange because, if you haven’t noticed, the Phillies play their best ball in September!

So why do our allegiances shift so quickly? Well, try and wrap your brain around this half-assed analogy. It's like that girl you knew when you were younger. You know which one. The one that you liked and was like a best friend, but then got super hot over the summer and BAM...she’s out of your league. We’ve all had one (or seven) of those. So what do you do? Well, instead of putting in a bunch of quality time with previously-mentioned hottie, you decide to settle for her slightly less attractive, slightly chubbier cousin (those wonderful Philadelphia Eagles).

The good thing about her cousin? She's a dirty slut. Awesomely slutty, even. So although we have a great thing going in the friend zone with the hot one, we're still drawn towards the chubber because, hey, we know we'll get a good blowie out of it.

Let's go a little deeper.

What Has Two Thumbs, Two Chins, and a Kicker on His Back?

Answer: That guy.

Holy crap -- this is a complete and utter abomination. To preface, I don't have any tattoos but am not against them in any way. Having said that, I never understood going the route of professional sports tattoo. The guy with the Eagles helmet tattooed on his calf always seemed like kind of a d-bag to me. Regardless, if you want to show your allegiance with a sports tat, go for it. I'm not here to try and stop you from showing the world your support of your squad.

Except for this guy. This mural is just too much. Let's break this down: The Eagles logo looks like it was drawn by a 6th grader and shaded in pencil, you have other men's signatures all over your body, and most importantly - you have David Akers tattooed on your back. What’s worse - until proven otherwise, I'm going to have to assume that the guy kneeling in front of him is long-time professional field goal holder Koy Detmer.

KOY DETMER.  HOLDING A FOOTBALL.  TATTOOED ON YOUR BACK.  Come on bro, revamp that whole abortion and make into one big, badass eagle or something.  That, or buy a jersey.  Just sayin'.

UPDATE: Eagles Tat Man has his own website and somewhat of a cult following.  You can check out his site here.

[h/t to Unathletic]

Eagles 20, Packers 27: Pointing Fingers!

Oh snap!

So THAT shit didn't pan out how we wouldda guessed. If you had two season-ending injuries, two concussions, and a return of the Michael Vick Experience scramble party on your scorecard, then you are the winner! And psychic. WIIIIITCH!!!

And while I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a "Pointing Fingers" article this week, there are obviously some interesting things to talk about / blame for this loss including KevinKolbSucksHe'sTerrible, No Love for DeSean, Brent Celek Kidnapping, Winston Justice's Averageness, Ellis Hobbs, Marty Mornhinweg's employment, Andy Reid's genius, and Omar Gaither.

Andy Reid: "Concussion..(clears throat) Schmuncussion."

Good to see Andy got this memo... but someone should probably tell him that The Onion is usually pretty satirical.

Bash your head on the jump to see some questionable "concussion" videos.

The Return of Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 1

The Shark has returned! That’s right folks, your favorite sports betting mascot has arrived right on schedule and, as always, has provided you with a full slate of picks. Please excuse the banner as we’re in the process of giving the Shark a bit of makeover. He’ll be staring back at you in pristine business-casual attire in no time.

For some of our newer readers, this feature was insanely successful last season. Winners were picked at professional handicapper levels. Go back in the archives and see for yourself if you don’t believe me. I'll wait....

Not bad, right?

I’m going to caution everyone once – the Shark, while supremely in tune with handicapping, is still just some dude. Don’t come crying when you blow your paycheck -- we sharks don't feel sympathy. Instead, try and dig yourself out of that hole by going BIG on the Monday nighter you pansy. As always, TheWizWit will accept all donations should you win a lot of “points” one weekend. And “points” I mean “dollars”. And by “dollars” I mean “doll hairs”. But YOU know what I really mean.

Week 1 is one of the hardest weeks to pick games since even Vegas doesn’t have a read on which teams will be good and which will suck. Don’t get frustrated if you get off to a rough start. We’ve got a long season ahead of us.

Let’s do the damn thang.

Chris Berman's Mustache Looks Terrible, Requires Mockery

"HE COULD...LOOK...SUPE...ER...GAYY!"

C'mon Berman, I'm normally a fan of 'staches but nothing positive can be said of yours. I understand that a mans gotta do things to spice up his look from time to time, but how about considering a dress shirt with sleeves instead of allowing that creature to nest on your lip. You look gross, dude. You look like the 30-year owner of a leather shop in San Fran's Castro district.

Get that Von Kaiser Mike Tyson's Punch Out shit off yo face. I don't care how many self-deprecating jokes you make, it doesn't excuse you for looking like you do on national television.  Whoop!

Eagles Injury Report Goodness

This is a beautiful thing to see three days before the season opener against the Packers.  As long as our quarterback doesn't get into a horrible hog hunting accident and DeSean Jackson doesn't roll an ankle teaching Andy Reid how to Dougie, the Eagles will be a full strength on Sunday.

Let's just enjoy this while it lasts.

Fun With Trades That Won't Happen

So apparently Colby Rasmus isn't too well liked by teammate Albert Pujols or manager Tony LaRussa and has requested a trade from St Louis management. That happened a few days ago. Since then everyone is predictably backpedaling, but I’m quite sure it’s still an issue in the Cardinals organization. The Cardinals would probably be better served getting rid of LaRussa than its high-end young talent, but what do I know?

Now, several blogs are posting possible destinations for Rasmus. After the jump I'll leave you with my proposal and a video you've probably seen before, but is worth posting again if only to ensure the creator is thoroughly embarrassed in the interwebs forever. 

Oh, and this dog in a Wonder-Woman getup has nothing to do with anything.  Or does it?  Yeah...you just think about that....

Three Men and a Baby: NFC East Preview

I know, it’s too obvious. Honestly though, sometimes obvious is the way to go. After another competitive season in 2009 that saw the Cowboys dominate the Eagles, Eagles dominate the Giants and the Giants dominate the Cowboys (and everyone dominate the Redskins), it’s become apparent that this division will continue to be a three horse race. Yes, the Redskins added a five-time Pro Bowl quarterback in Donovan McNabb (click here for a career synopsis if you’re unfamiliar with him) but he’s really not a guy who can carry a team anymore (if he ever really was). The Redskins still have a litany of problems (see below) and ultimately won’t be a real threat to the division crown. However, the Giants and Cowboys certainly will.

The One Where I Gush Over the Antwan Barnes Trade

Howie Roseman is a (inappropriate comment)*. And I say that in the most sincerely appreciative, complimentary way imaginable.

This man knows how to negotiate. While some early reports suggested his wheelin'/dealin' style may put him out of favor with other GMs around the league, what he has accomplished thus far in such a short amount of time is remarkable. Sure, it's far too early to grade all of his moves since, you know, the season hasn't started yet. But if you we're looking for the Eagles to get younger/get faster/cut payroll/rid themselves of malcontents, Mr. Roseman has more than delivered.

With that, I present you with the latest reason why I'm on the Rose-wagon: getting Antwan Barnes for a 7th round pick.