Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Phillies vs Eagles: A Sexy Comparison

By the TWW friend 'Ivey'
Since there hasn't been anything said about the Phillies in a week, I decided to throw in my two cents. It seems as soon as football season starts, many people -- whether they be casual fans, front-runners, or the sports media -- seem to forget about baseball. Very strange because, if you haven’t noticed, the Phillies play their best ball in September!

So why do our allegiances shift so quickly? Well, try and wrap your brain around this half-assed analogy. It's like that girl you knew when you were younger. You know which one. The one that you liked and was like a best friend, but then got super hot over the summer and BAM...she’s out of your league. We’ve all had one (or seven) of those. So what do you do? Well, instead of putting in a bunch of quality time with previously-mentioned hottie, you decide to settle for her slightly less attractive, slightly chubbier cousin (those wonderful Philadelphia Eagles).

The good thing about her cousin? She's a dirty slut. Awesomely slutty, even. So although we have a great thing going in the friend zone with the hot one, we're still drawn towards the chubber because, hey, we know we'll get a good blowie out of it.

Let's go a little deeper.

What do we get out of the Phillies in September? Including this year, since 2006 the Fightins’ are a whopping 79-45. Conversely, the Birds are just 7-8 since 2006. Understandably the Phillies play a shit ton more games in September, but they're winning 64% of them compared to just 47% for the Birds. So why do we so quickly brush them aside just to get that teethy blow-J from the Eagles?

Simple...we can always go back to the best friend at any point because she'll always love us for who we are. We don't have a whole lot of time to get that fix from the slutty cousin so we jump on it as early as possible -- mostly because we know if we don't do it, she'll find someone else that will. And besides, BJs have been better than talking since, like, the dawn of time.

So we have to jump on the bandwagon quickly -- the excitement of getting some strange being such a powerful draw. We do this every year even though we fully understand that we'll only end up disappointed by seasons’ end with herpes and a punched hole in the wall to show for it. It's a vicious cycle, man.  That herpes always seems to flare up each September.

In conclusion, I have herpes I'm a huge Eagles fan. But today I need to clear my head and tell my hot friend that I love her and I that know that she's better for me in the long run. Thank you Phillies in advance for another division win and a great season overall!

Oh yea, fuck you Andy Reid. I hate you.


  1. i never thought of andy reid as being slutty, except when i dream of him in boy shorts

  2. where is that chicks butt?

  3. call the cops...someone stole that chicks ass