Afternoon Links: Let's All Bid on This Man

Texas high school unveils new, bright red turf - This field hurts my face. [Yahoo]

White people rapping. Poorly. - A site devoted to white people embarrassing themselves.  Great. [Tumblr]

Destinations for Kevin Kolb - Mel Kiper comes up with 5 destinations for Kevin Kolb and what each team would likely surrender for his interceptions services. [BleedingGreenNation]

Quiz time! Would you be able to stay NCAA eligible? - I'd totally scoop up all the monies thrown at me.  [MidwestSportsFans]

Eating fruit makes you more attractive than getting a tan - In other news, research money is completely wasted.  [MNN]

Phillies sign former #1 over pick - He also tore his armpit muscle throwing an octopus.  For real. [Hardballtalk]

Jose Canseco is Still Crazy, Likely Intoxicated

Dude lives in an alternate reality. Only in Jose Canseco's mind will he challenge you to a softball hitting contest, call out YouTube for no reason, then go back to his laboratory to concoct magical potions.

Seems like everything he's ever said has turned out true though. So until proven otherwise I guess I'm forced to believe he can hit softballs to the moon and slow down the human aging process.

Let's Play Imagining

YouTube is brilliant. I mean, it basically told me to watch this video today...I didn't even have to look for it. Granted, it also told me to watch this video too, so I guess YouTube isn't right all the time (or is it...?).

Anyway, I had forgotten about this commercial. The first thing I thought about as I watched it though, even though it's fake, was that it sure seemed like this is was a play the REAL Michael Vick made this year. Granted he wasn't throwing to someone as physically dominating as T.O., but this video isn't too far off from the reality that was 2010 Michael Vick.

Side bar: Imagine if the Eagles had Vick instead of McNabb in 2004? I realize that McNabb had an incredible amount of success that year, and that he lead the Birds to a 13-3 record and a close Super Bowl loss. I also realize that all this Michael Vick love is based on a 9-game stretch where he looked like the greatest QB in the history of football. I know he needs to do it again, I know he has to prove this year wasn't a fluke and that he can adapt now that defenses are sure to adapt to him. HOWEVER, the Eagles offense behind Michael Vick was one of the most dynamic offense I've ever seen, they could score almost at will for those 9 games. Andy Reid obviously tutored this guy and triggered something in him (well, Andy Reid and jail) that hadn't been triggered before. He completed 62% of his passes, blowing away his former career high, and he scored 9 rushing touchdowns, a crazy amount for any QB. Imagine him with Westbrook and T.O., possibly the best two skill position players the Eagles have ever had (not that McCoy, DJax and Maclin are slouches, just sayin'). Plus the Eagles had a good offensive line then. If Reid had him earlier in his career, got him understanding how to be a real QB AND use his raw athletic gifts...well...Championship. Or maybe he needed jail the whole time to wake up. Whatever, a guy can dream.

So, if you remember nothing else about this past year, remember this: Nike made a commercial with a computer generated Michael Vick that made an incredible play that no QB could have ever made...and then the REAL Michael Vick made that play. 329 times.

Fuckin' Packers.

Mike Ditka Talks About Martin Luther King on ESPN Because Why the Fuck Not?

What he said isn't bad, but who gives a FUCK what Mike Ditka has to say about Martin Luther King, Jr.? Seriously.

Next up: The Oregon Ducks mascot and Stuart Scott's dookie eye debate healthcare reform.

Sarah Palin's Breathing: Hot or Bitchy?

Cause I can't really tell. At times it sounds pretty sexy. But then I think about it and see that smug self-superiority smile on her face and I think she's just being judgmental.

Whatever. I'd be lying to myself if I said I wouldn't hit it.


h/t The Awl

Lou Williams: Killing the Sixers?

How Louis Williams is Holding Back the Sixers - On a very very basic level, [Usage Rate] judges the ball-hogginess of a player during his time on the court. Obviously the best players will have higher usage rates because they'll have the most plays run for them on the court. That's why guys like Kobe, Durant, and Carmelo are above him. But there is no excuse for Louis Williams to have the 14th highest USG% in the entire league. Absolutely none.
At a 27.5% clip according to BR (26.2% for Hollinger), Lou is highest on the team. Next highest among qualified players is Jrue Holiday at 22.1%. That 5.4% difference between the top two usage rates is the fourth most in the league, behind Carmelo Anthony and the Nuggets, Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, and Amare Stoudemire and the Knicks.

So Lou Will is a ball hog -- what else is new? For real though Rod Thorn, Ed Stefanski, Doug Collins need to get together and find a way to trade this guy (and Iguodala, but that's another story) for some defense as soon as they can. I love his Twitter and he seems like your average egomaniacal 24 year-old NBA player...but dude needs to go. Especially since the building blocks of this squad need more playing time.

And that picture looks just as much like disappointment as it does like O-face. Funny how close those are.

Afternoon Links: No One Man Should Have All That Flour

No One Man Should Have All That Flour - Kanye West lyrics rewritten to be about food. Ten million percent genius. My crescent is a present kiss my ass. [Tumblr]

Sam Cassell Asks If He Can Get In On Carmelo Anthony Trade - Wouldn't doubt it. I once saw Sam play the Sixers when I was a kid and the two dudes in front of me chanted "ALIEN!" the entire game. THE ENTIRE GAME. I love my city. [The Onion]

So Gucci Mane Got an Ice Cream Cone Face Tattoo - The lightning bolts are what completes it. This dude is crazy. [Barstool Boston]

Rapper Finds Order in Orthodox Judaism in Israel - Yep, Shyne is a rabbi now. Of the three rapper links in this post, this is by far the craziest. [NYT]

State Foods - Here's a map of the US with what food best represents each state. You guessed it, PA = cheesesteak. [The Daily What]

What You Should Be Saying During Sex - Great infographic. I learned I should stop yelling "I'm going to pound the farts out of you." [HapHappy]

Everyone Who Got Swineflu Now Has Superpowers - Not even joking. [io9]

Mike Vick Says What We Were All Thinking

Michael Vick knows Kevin Kolb is Gone -
On if he thinks he and Kevin Kolb can co-exist like they did this year in 2011: "Me and Kevin haven't spoken about it because of our relationship. When that time comes, we'll keep it real with one another. I think ultimately it comes down to what Kevin wants to do. If he's in Philadelphia and I'm in Philadelphia and we have to work together again, everything will be okay because we always try to help each other, compete and make each other better. So I think regardless of the fact if we're together, everything is going to be just fine, and we'll have another great season it and enjoy it. I think with Kevin being the competitor that he is, if he tries to go and find a job somewhere else, I think he'll be successful doing it. And I know he wants to play. So it's just up to Kevin and what he wants to do."

It's basically up to Kevin and how much he's willing to start elsewhere.  Remember, dude was a second round pick and definitely didn't come into the league with any crazy hype.  He's played well with the chances he's been given, but to change systems and expect him to immediately shine is setting pretty high expectations.  He's probably not even 100% confident he would play well on another team.

Also of note were Vick's comments about whether or not he could be as successful elsewhere as he is in Philly, where he admitted that he "really [doesn't] think so" and that Fat Andy "just has a way of bringing out the best in me."

Jesus, just kiss already.


h/t Deadspin

Homeless Guy Wakes Up to Rat on Face in NYC Subway

It's no secret that I live in New York. Great city for culture, food, events...not so much the people, but you get the point. Everyone fucking glorifies this place, but let me tell you this: NYC is the dirtiest city ever.

I had friends from Philly visit me in Brooklyn last week and they we all like "Wow, this is way cleaner than N Philly." And on the surface they're right. But they didn't ride the subway. They never sat next to bloated homeless guy whose pissed himself for 30 straight days and is drunk off E&J singing gospel songs. They never watched a regular-ass businesswoman throw up on herself waiting for a train at 5:30pm. And they definitely never had a rat run up their leg and onto their faces.

A rat...on your face. You just know Mr. Hobo drank twice as hard that night.


h/t Gawker.tv

Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Lab Bust

Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Bust - Brett Favre's younger sister was arrested in Mississippi today when narcotics agents busted a meth lab hidden in a condo. Brandi Favre was among 5 suspects rounded up on the scene ... and according to WLOX, the perps were taken to a local medical center for decontamination before being thrown behind bars. It's not the first time Brandi's had a run-in with the law -- in the past, she's been arrested for shoplifting and unlawful use of a weapon.

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I know. But I just love the sentence "Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Bust."

Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Bust.
Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Bust.
Brett Favre's Sister Arrested in Meth Bust.

It has this weird cleansing affect on my spirit. I just feel better afterwards. Try it today at work.

Phillie Phanatic: Stop Crashing Weddings

We all love the Phillie Phanatic. Best mascot in sports, hands down. If the Phanatic were to commit vehicular manslaughter with his ATV at a home game, there'd be 45,000 people there who didn't see shit. That's how much we love our mascot.

But lately, the Phanatic has been "crashing weddings" at an alarming clip all across the Delaware Valley. FIVE weddings since mid 2010 have videos of the Phillie Phanatic crashing their wedding? Do you know what this means?

Number 1, if you're the bride/groom you can pretty much guarantee that this is the only thing that the guests remember from your wedding. Not the expensive fucking venue, or the DJ, or the silver wine keys with your date engraved on them -- they're gonna remember the fucking Phillie Phanatic. Number 2, what the hell happens if two women who've each had the Phanatic crash their wedding meet and somehow found out about their strange commonality? That'd be too crazy for either of them. Probly too crazy for any of us. I'm pretty sure thats when the earth gets blown up by a giant fire meteor. And you better believe that no 5 elements, Bruce Willis, tiny-nippled Milla Jovovich, or bi-curious radio personality Chris Tucker can stop it.  God I love The Fifth Element.

Five different Phillie Phanatic wedding crashing videos after the jump.

Get It Done

Why the Eagles can, should, and I think WILL sign Nnamdi Asomugha - In case you're unfamiliar with Nnamdi Asomugha, he plays cornerback for the Oakland Raiders, or at least he used to. This past season, in 14 games played, NFL quarterbacks only threw Asomugha's way 33 times. In other words, they don't even bother looking his way. Just 13 of those passes were completed for 205 yards, and no touchdowns. That translates to 0.9 catches allowed for 14.6 yards per game. That's just stupid good. Looking at his stats is actually comical. He only had 19 tackles and no interceptions, because again, NFL quarterbacks want no part of him. Compare his numbers to little-used Eagles rookie Trevard Lindley, and if you didn't know any better, you'd think Lindley had a better season.
[Besides Vick and Jackson's presumed contracts] there are a grand total of ZERO Eagles that will make in excess of $6 million in base salary in 2011. None. Only 2 will make over $5 million - Samuel is set to make $5,900,000 in salary. He'll make $8,400,000 in 2012 and $10,400,000 in 2012. The other highly paid Eagle, Jason Peters, will also only make $5,900,000 in salary, as his contract is also backloaded. Only SEVEN others will make as much as $2 million in salary - Leonard Weaver, Jeremy Maclin, Juqua Parker, Winston Justice, Trent Cole, Darryl Tapp, and Marlin Jackson. Marlin Jackson's chances of seeing that $2 million are somewhere between slim and none, and depending on the roster moves the Eagles make this season, it's debatable whether Justice will see the $2,700,000 that he's scheduled to earn, and if Juqua Parker will see his $3,500,000.

If you read one Nnamdi Asomugha to-the-Eagles article, make it this one. JimmyK at BleedingGreen breaks down the Eagles contract situation nicely and shows us why this deal is something the team can afford and should persue.

Asomugha/Samuel 2011!

This Is What Happens When You Beat Up Your GF and She Calls Her Ex BF

True Crime Report - ​Two years ago, 40-year-old Earl Altes was driving home from a bar with his girlfriend in Huntley, Montana. We don't know what set him off, but he decided it would be good to punch, choke and kick his girlfriend in the face during the ride...
What Earl Altes looked like after Kenneth Jackson got done with him
​When they got to Altes' house, the woman fled barefoot, running a half-mile to the home of her ex-boyfriend, 23-year-old Kenneth Mitchell Jackson. And he's not the kind of guy who takes wife beating very well.

And by "not the kind of guy who takes wife beating very well" they mean "the kind of guy who will turn your eyes into vaginas."  This is fantastic.  Sometimes dudes need to get fucked up.  And this was one of those times.

How old is this woman by the way?  Forty year-old husband and 23 year-old EX boyfriend?  Montana is weird.

Afternoon Links: Ben Franklin Was Kinky

Kelsey Grammer is a Cross-Dresser - Think about it. "Frasier Crane" is an anagram for "Fiances Rarer." And Kelsey's wife is the one spilling the beans on his panty habit.  I should've been a detective. [TMZ]

Six Rules for Avoiding Small Talk - Headphones and weather ignorance are just the beginning. [College Humor]

Tom Hanks' Son is a Fratboy Rapper - Not hating.  Do your thing, baby Gump. [Gawker]

Yes, Your Car Can Run on Four Loko - Corn ethanol is for pussies. My whip is powered by teenager death juice. [Uproxx]

Thank You Based God Gifs - You probably don't know about Lil B because you're a lame, but Based God can fuck my bitch any time cause he's swagged out maximum THANK YOU BASED GOD. [Complex]

Chunk from The Goonies on a Commemorative Plate - And Mr. T. And Ben Franklin with a Yoda Hat. Lots of Ben shoutouts today. No problem with that. [Great White Snark via Etsy]

Turkeys Chasing a Laser Pointer - Dumb and delicious, that's why we eat 'em.  [Dooby Brain]

At Least We're Not Cleveland...Part Deux

Wow. As you've probably seen by now, the Lakers beat the Cavaliers 112-57 last night...a 55-point bitch-slap of epic proportions. They were outscored by at least 15 points in each of the first three quarters and shot an almost unbelievable 29.9% from the floor. This game marked their 21st loss in their last 22 games. Yuck. (Consider this - since LeBron returned to Cleveland on December second, the Heat are 18-1. The Cavs? 1-19. Seriously.)

To make matters worse, LeBron has jumped on the bandwagon, sending out the tweet above last night during the massacre. If there was someone in Cleveland that didn't hate LeBron yet, they certainly aren't a fan anymore.

So, kids, as we continue to wallow in the sad misfortunes of our football team, remember one thing. At least we're not Cleveland.

Old Ladies Will Do Hot Dog In Donut On First Date

Asylum - Women in their 40s are more likely to go all the way on a first date than their younger counterparts.
A survey of 1,400 women between the ages of 20 and 49 by Men's Health found that 29 percent of 40-somethings will have sex on the first date if the chemistry is right. That's opposed to 28 percent of women in their 30s and only 17 percent of ladies in their 20s.
Perhaps this is because the older ladies just enjoy sex more: 86 percent of women in their 40s reported having an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, whereas only 48 percent in their 30s and 38 percent in their 20s had.


Hmm, a 21 year-old that can't hold a steady conversation without mentioning Jersey Shore or a hot older lady with expendable cash, loose morals, and orgasms when you look at her?

Even in Retirement, Matt Geiger Still Underperforming

Matt Geiger, former unathletic 7 footer for the Sixers and albatross contract owner, just sold his Florida mansion for $8 million. That's only after having it on the market for three years at an original listing of $20 million. Among a shitload of other amenities, the property has 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms, sauna and cabana rooms, a shark tank, and a personal heard of livestock. This castle was also used as the home of John Travolta's character in the god awful shit-flick, The Punisher.

I may be too poor to know what a cabana room is all about, but I don't feel too bad for him. Even fetching far less than expected on the home, you know Geiger still has some of the $44 million he made as an NBA player to fall back on. I did the math - that 44 million works out to over $80,000 per game played in his career. Not too shabby for a guy was constantly injured and had a career averages of 9.2 points per game and 5.7 rebounds.

h/t Philly Sports Daily

The Bimbo Controversy

As you may have heard yesterday, the Philadelphia Union signed a $12 million deal with Bimbo Bakeries that will place their logo on the chest of the jerseys. If you're not familiar with Bimbo, you obviously don't live around many Mexicans.

Not surprisingly, this has pissed off a few locals as they feel the team has "sold out" to corporate money and severely uglified their uniforms. ESPN Girlsports even ran an article claiming that the sponsor may be SEXIST. While claiming that the name of a bread company is sexist is 1000% retarded, I can agree that this makes the uniform look terrible. But there's no reason to get all shocked and disgusted by this -- it's SOCCER. This is what they do.

Plus, let's take a look at the uniform of a purely American sport. To an outsider, this shit is infinitely more ridiculous.

h/t CrossingBroad for pic

Eagles Sign Seven Players in Two Days

Monday - WR Rod Harper, WR Sinorice Moss, OL Dallas Reynolds, OL A.Q. Shipley.

Tuesday - TE John Nalbone, WR Jeremy Williams, TE Cornelius Ingram.


Maybe Sinorice Moss can return kicks if everyone else dies. Maybe the coaching staff has a bet going as to how long it takes Cornelius Ingram's kneecaps to explode. Who the hell cares?


h/t BleedingGreenNation

Oh, You Thought This Was Cool?

You were sorely mistaken, hombre. I'm not even sure what exactly it is you're going for here, but I can assure you it's not funny or clever. This customized piece of doo-doo is nothing but a colossal waste of money. No one is seriously tapping you on the shoulder to compliment you on this glorified sweat rag without immediately turning back to his friends for some chuckles.

It's a little sad considering the guy appears to be an older gentleman. I base that on the scientific evidence of his old-looking back-of-the-head and on account of the quarter turtleneck peeking out from under the jersey. The poor fella probably has no idea how dumb this purchase was, or why he always gets stuck with the ugly chicks.

h/t Joe Sports Fan

So This Is Why Phonebooks Still Exist

Yeah, that's right. Those pics are carved out of frickin phonebook! Located in Philadelphia's Northern Liberties, 'Projects Gallery' has a number of ridiculously talented artists. Notably, Alex Queral, who crafted the phonebook masterpieces you see above.

The time, precision, and skill that go into creating these portraits is stupefying. Granted, my artistry begins and ends with stick figures, Microsoft Paint, and wack pumpkin carving - but I know incredible skills when I see em.

Wanna see more of his work? You can check out a bunch of his other portraits in the gallery here. Not into phonebook faces? Well, you uncultured shit, click here for a skull made of French fries that you might enjoy.

h/t TheChive via Barstool Sports

Epic Meal Time: Drinking Four Loko Out Of Bacon Cup

If you're not yet familiar with Epic Meal Time, get familiar. They've gotten drunk off pancakes, put a bird inside of a bird inside of a bird inside of a bird inside of a pig, and now PETAs nightmare is back making Chili Four Loko.

I'm so torn. On one hand these guys are funny and cook dishes so ridiculously unhealthy Andy Reid could masturbate to them. On the other hand, they're Canadian. What to think?

This is definitely the reason why terrorists hate us.

Live Action Simpsons Porn? Live Action Simpsons Porn.

Safe for work preview for the new Hustler DVD The Simpsons -- The XXX Parody. You guessed it: Moe fucks Cookie Kwan.

Seems like Flanders might get some butt, too.


h/t The Daily What

FREE ADVERTISING: I'm Excited for SportsDome

I've been waiting for this moment for what seems like forever. Sportscenter, ESPN's flagship program, has gone under-parodied for decades. I mean, shit, you have people who seriously write The Herminator into a 5 minute segment and don't have to face public ridicule? Fuck you.

Enter The Onion's SportsDome. Comedy Central (and their weird new logo) will be premiering the show tonight at 10:30 EST following that half hour where the channel uses a green screen and voodoo to give Daniel Tosh a full head of hair.

Anyway, The Onion is the best thing on the internet (seriously, why are you even here?) and I'm ecstatic to have it in my idiot box. Which also happens to be how my mother told people that she was pregnant with me. Get Sportsed!

Some Videos to Make You Smile

We're all pretty depressed today, but I figured I'd throw up some videos in an attempt to get some of you to smile.

Remember, the 2010 Eagles season was pretty good, for most of it anyway.

Mike Vick is Taking His Talents to South Beach

First Kobe now LeBron?

Hey, if getting booed every night of your life is something you enjoy, the Miami Heat is the team to join.

Kobe: Stay the Hell Away From My Football Team

Kobe -- I like you. Considerably more than most people do. You're from my home town, one of the greatest players to ever touch a basketball, and my dad even claims to have played ball with your dad at one point. But hear me loud and clear when I say this: stay away from the Eagles.

You're a fan of the Birds and Mike Vick and all that and I get it, but chances are it was your unnecessary "Be Epic!" gift to our starting quarterback that caused him to throw the ball up to Riley Cooper in the end zone rather than take his time and clock it. Then you decide to wear his jersey in your post-game interview?

Kobe, again, I like you. But when it comes to the Eagles -- Fuck Off.


h/t Cosby Sweaters

We Gone

And another spirit-crushing playoff loss is in the books. Let's spend today trying to repair the shattered pieces of our collective psyche, and remember that this season was intended to be a "rebuilding" year above all else. Let the Eagles revamp their porous defense and offensive line, and perhaps we'll have another shot in 2012. That's if, you know, the NFL/humanity is still around then.


平和と祝福,

TheWizWit