Ladies - Marreese Speights Would Prefer You Put Down That Sammich

Sorry girls, when Marreese is out and about yall better tuck your muffin tops away.  According to his Twitter last night, Speights encountered quite a few of you.  He's blaming it on your constant consumption of cheesesteaks, scrapple, and grease-shakes. 

As you can see from this earlier tweet, this was a problem he encountered all night long. You can start the tweet-delete countdown now.

Whatever.  Anyway, Speights shouldn't be worrying about our Philly girls, and instead concentrate on the upcoming season.  Especially considering he's a guy who hasn't exactly had the best conditioning himself.  Just sayin'.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 3 NFL Spread Picks

The Shark had a dream the other night. Some of the details are foggy, but I remember Xena the Warrior Princess was there and she was riding me. She was riding me and I was made of SOLID SILVER.  It was awesome - I was as smooth as Dave Chappelle's balls. Things were going tremendously until I found myself smack-dab in the midst of a sneak-attack nightmare. Xena began turning into Troy Polamalu from the Head and Shoulders commercial, and I think a seagull pooped right in my eye. They say getting pooped on is good luck, but I say that's GULLSHIT. Good thing I woke up before things got too horrifying.

The lesson I learned from this dream: finish up my standard mascot picture so I won't have to make up terrible dream sequences. We can't have this weekly feature... jumping the shark. Hi-yo! Sigh... I hate myself.

Alright enough nonsense. The Shark went 9-6-1 last week. That’s a record of 16-13-3 for the year. Winning record equals money in your pockets. We wouldn't steer you wrong. So without further ado, your Week 3 picks coming right up after the jump.

How To Cheat At ESPN Fantasy Football and Never Get Caught

Cheaters, prepare to rub your hands together in a sinister fashion. Billy (BK) Rios has written a blog entry detailing how easy it is to force fantasy football adds and drops to ANY TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. That's right, you can totally just screw around with a competitor’s squad by adding Reggie Brown to his team and dropping Andre Johnson. You can do all of this from your own ESPN login. Pretty wild stuff. He states that you can even force trades between two unsuspecting teams. It's all done from a flaw in the URL. Change a few numbers - and viola - you are now a cheater fantasy football champion!

Update: We're caught.  ESPN fixed the glitch.  Thanks alot, Deadspin.

Philadelphian's Rejoice: WILLIE GREEN TRADED!

Take a second to let it sink in: Willie Green is no longer a Sixer. We've been waiting for this moment for oh so long. No longer will we have to see him dribble a basketball off his foot. Gone are the days of Sixers fans being forced to watch him chuck up dozens of ill-advised shots that clang off the rim. No more giving 20+ minutes to a completely worthless player who contributed nothing in all areas of the game. I cannot express the happiness that came over me when I got the news. I'd say it was somewhere between the feeling you'd get on Super Bowl Sunday and how you felt as a kid on Christmas morning.

In exchange for Green and Jason Smith's expiring contracts, the Sixers got Songaila (nothing more than another expiring contract) and Craig Brackins from New Orleans. Brackins was the 21st pick in the NBA draft this year. So basically, the Sixers got a first round pick for two stiffs. Awesome.


I applaud Rod Thorn for this move and wonder why the Hornets hate Chris Paul so much. Enjoy this moment Sixers fans. No more Dalembert.  No more Willie Green.  Now only if we could find a way to get rid of Hip Hop...

[pic via Depressed Fan]

In Poor Investments News...

This pic was snapped during last night’s Phillies win. Why on earth would someone pay actual dollars to own a Chan Ho Park jersey? This team is full of stars to choose from, yet Chan Ho is the winner? There's really no defending your decision, sir.

Also, I'm pretty sure when Chan Ho Park was a member of the Phillies, the nameplate read as "Park", not "Chan Ho". I'm quite certain he didn't get the Yao or Ichiro treatment with his first name on the back of the jersey (or last name even though it's said first...is that how it works?  And is that just a Chinese/Japanese thing?). Anyway, either you got ripped off - or much worse - you went and purchased a custom Chan Ho Park jersey. And if that's the case, all 45,310 people last night should've shown you what the five fingers said to the face. Keep the Chan Ho jersey deep in the back of the closet. Right next to your David Bell and Rheal Cormier jerseys and that memory from middle school sleepover camp.

Many thanks to TWW friend Ivey for sending it over to us.

Get Your Stalker On: TheWizWit Mike Vick Email Apocalypse

To the left is this morning's cover of the Daily News, in all its painfully titled glory.  The fact that every media outlets' go-to line is something pet related has begun to irritate the crap out of me.  I sent an email to my two cohorts here at TheWizWit this morning expressing my disgust as I tried to get a confirmation that I'm not crazy and heartless for thinking the way I do.


After the jump, you can view the entire email chain.  Nothing was changed for the sake of this post (besides cleaning up spelling) and the email wasn't originally intended for us to publish.  But alas, good points were made and the public deserves to know, dammit!  So do your best Larry Mendte impersonation and get a candid look at my inbox from this morning.

Simple Math

Eagles 35, Lions 32: Shady Vickness

Okay, I've got a confession to make: I didn't actually watch this game per se. My gf (who does my photoshop for free) got good tickets to Mets/Braves and I couldn't turn down the chance to root against the Braves and boo everything in sight for 3 hours. So yeah, I missed the Michael Vick Experience in his full experienceness and because DirecTV hates me, the game didn't properly dvr. So here I am providing commentary based on dozens of highlights, conversation with Eagles fans, conversations with Eagles haters, websites, other blogs, personal expertise and my own real-time neurotic checking of the box score.

So what did we learn? Well, Mike Bell Sucks Now, The Experience is Back, What About Shady?, Omar Gaither is the Worst, Jason Peters and the Magic Injury Machine, Defensive Tackles work Half Days, Special Thanks to Special Teams, NFC LEast?, Nate Allen DROY, and Juqua Parker Loves Sacks

Heartless Nyjer Morgan Forces Phils Fan to Tour Nat's Facilities

As quietly as the incident was first reported, Nyjer Morgan was completely absolved of throwing a baseball at a Phillies fan last month. MLB rescinded the entire suspension and ruled the incident "an accident." Right.  No word on whether Gaby Sanchez just happened to be running full speed with an outstretched arm when Nyjer Morgan's neck accidently ran into it. 

Since Nyjer Morgan is nothing shy of a class act, the Washington Nationals forced aided him in inviting his victim to a Nats game this weekend. He was given seats directly behind the Nats dugout. This is probably because he would've had too much fun being near the dugout of a team he actually enjoys watching. Morgan further punished the fan by making him tour the dreadful Nationals clubhouse. Even worse, he made the poor guy lug around a worthless Nyjer Morgan autographed baseball. What a jerkass.

Clearly, due to the lack of a suspension, MLB already doesn't value the life and safety of Phillies fans. Had Morgan thrown a fucking baseball at a Cubs or Yankees fan, I'm sure he'd have gotten a few games on the bench.  C'est la vie of a Philly fan.

[The Washington Post]