Friday, March 4, 2011

Kendrick Perkins Misses Boston, Wishes There Was Better Sports News

In case you haven’t noticed, this is the most exciting thing happening in sports at the current moment. Shit’s real sad right now. But at least Kendrick Perkins’ shattering heart is doing its’ best to keep us mildly entertained. The Sad Perk meme has hit the internet in full force, and as silly and dumb as it is, makes me oddly satisfied and amused.

Perkins loved Boston and promptly turned into Sir Weepy Vaginaface after learning he was traded. Don’t be such a sourpuss KPerk. You play basketball for a living and are a millionaire. Just because you had to move away from your friends doesn’t mean you gotta pout like a 4th grader. At least you’re not Baron Davis. He was traded to Cleveland and is probably loading the bullets into his gun right now.

[Sad Perk]

Thursday, March 3, 2011

This Is Why Cartoon Network Should Be Banned From Holding Sports Award Shows

There are so many things wrong with this. First the obvious - the Phillie Phanatic, one the most universally beloved mascots in all of sports history, lost in the “Most Awesome Mascot” category - to a deer named Bango. SHENANIGANS I TELL YOU!! What is going on in the world? The Milwaukee Bucks don't even have fans; how the hell did that thing win? My brain is cramping as I try to put rational sense behind it all.

What really chaps my ass is that Cartoon Network decided they're enough of an authority on sports to produce the Hall of Game Awards show in the first place. Nickelodeon already has that whole "children's award show" angle down. Just stick to re-runs Ed, Edd, and Eddy, Dragonball Z, and Adult Swim and everyone will be happy.

I know what you’re saying - "Come on man, stop hating on this kid's show. Nobody watched it anyway." And you know what italicized voice? You're right, it was for the kids. We can't help it if today’s children have the intelligence of a brick when it comes to something as simple as casting an online sports vote. I bet their fathers are same people who got Alonzo Mourning , Vince Carter, and Shaq voted into all those NBA All Star games ages after they were still worthy. FOR SHAME.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

No Sex For You

Wow, kicked off the team for giving your girlfriend the meat stick. That's about as rough as it gets (the situation, not the sex, which for all I know could have been boring ole missionary style). I mean, I understand that this is something players (and students) of BYU are aware of when they decide to attend the school, but it still bottles the mind. No sex? Why the fuck would you even go to college? The guys at BYU have to be walking around with the bluest of blue balls you could ever imagine (cause, of course, masturbation is frowned upon as well). Imagine their first load? It's gonna fucking kill a bitch, and shoot her corpse to the goddamn moon.

And sex is just the tip of the iceberg, they are also supposed to be honest, abstain from alcohol, coffee, tobacco and tea, AND attend church. I mean, I couldn't do any of those things...and I don't even smoke. I think the moral of this story is simple: bang a Mormon girl right after she graduates. I bet she'd ride your shit till you're shooting air.

Oh, and check this link out. Can you imagine if every time you had to jerk off, instead you ate a snack? Seriously? If you think America has a weight problem now, HOLY SHIT. Every dude would be walking around at 400 pounds easily. And you know bitches do it too. We'd be one fat ass country, too large to fuck, eating all day long cause we're horny as crap.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two-Part-Giant-Sized-Mega-Colossal Podcast!

We have a very particular set of skills that makes us mildly entertaining for people like you.

In part 1: Our take on the NBA trade deadline
In part 2: We call Wetz to talk Brian Wilson, Phillies, and Fantasy Baseball. Then we call Maurice for a little Jeffrey Lurie Oscar discussion, an intense review of Angelina Jolie's career, and some other randomness.

(Note: we aren't the most technologically savvy people so we're still working out the kinks. Phone calls may be a little fuzzy, and I have no idea if the 1 speaker issue has been resolved. Nonetheless, give it a listen and enjoy)

Flyers Trade Deadline Talk And Shit

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

So obviously the word is out that TheWizWit is the official place to be when it comes to what the Flyers should do and shit. I mean, why else would they bring Zherdev back into the lineup, if not for my "Let Zherdev Spin" campaign? How bout that Versteeg Richards Zherdev line the other night? ... Jordan! (Is it now time to say, "Kobe" as you take a jumper? Is that what the kids are doing now? Personally, I prefer to do my shot callin' as I invoke Jordan's moniker. To each his own I guess) Long story short, nailed it! If only they would listen to my "Stop with this Nodl Shit" campaign, everything would be Cake + Money.

Yeah, we lost that game against the Senators the other night... whatever. Pronger was out, and Boucher finally had that inevitable Boucher game. And we learned lessons. We learned that Chris Pronger and Mike Richards cannot miss anymore games. When either of them are out of the lineup, the team just isn't right. We learned that Bob is our playoff goalie. Boucher is having a great year, but he always breaks down around this time of year, and he looked terrible against Ottawa. And we also learned that we needed a 7th defenseman. Acquiring Nick Boynton off of waivers was a real nice move. He's a 78 overall, and we got him for nothing. You take that all day, right? I think we got a lot of our questions answered this month, although Bill Clement disagrees with me. His speaking voice is way better than mine, so he wins. That's how Obama won, right?

Flyers traded some Phantoms for a part time winger, Tom Sestito. He's a 6'5" 228 lbs. gorilla beast, who will factor into the Flyers plans for next season. He'll be a 25 year old, Jody Shelley next year. I'm cool with that. Keep on paying attention to me Flyers Internet Scouts, I got a lot of good suggestions on what you should be doing and shit.

PS- Claude. Giroux. Is. Stupid.


The Speed Dealing, Elevator Fixing, Philadelphia Repairman

[] A Philadelphia elevator repairman who dealt crystal meth so he could afford his own $500 a day drug habit, was sentenced today to two years in federal prison. Erik Todd Trovarello, 35, was nabbed distributing large quantities of methamphetamine out of a U-Haul storage facility on Washington Ave. in South Philadelphia.

Let's hear it for the war on drugs. Although I have to question this story a bit. I don't really know anything about dealing and doing drugs, but a $500 a day meth habit of his own? Really guy? How the hell are you functioning? You should've died AGES ago. He's gotta be the BEST elevator repairman in the history of elevator repairmen. Just speeding from job to job and fixing elevators like it aint no thang. Anyway, I just hope Tony Danza plays this guy in the movie. Why this story immediately made me think of THIS movies' title, I have no idea. But I bet Tony Micelli would NAIL it.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Is This A Risk We're Willing To Take?

[Huffington Post] - "[Dumb and Dumber] has run a bunch of times on TV in the states, and kids will come up and they'll be able to quote lines from that - lines that I've long forgotten," Bobby Farrelly said (via Moviehole). "If we could get those two guys back together, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels that might be a worthwhile sequel - and that ball is in motion. We're starting to think about what those two dimwits would be doing twenty-years later in life, and hopefully we'll be able to come up with something worthy of a sequel."

I know what your thinking, Jim Carrey isn't really funny anymore and Jeff Daniels is dead. Ok, maybe he's not dead but he's hasn't exactly been pumping out gems recently (see, RV and Space Chimps as exhibits A and B). Truth be told, I'm not sure how I feel about this. The potential suck-o-meter is certainly flashing with this one, but don't the Farrelly brothers deserve a little benefit of the doubt? Yes, they made The Ringer but we can all make mistakes, right? At the very least we'll get some good nostalgia out of this, and maybe - just maybe - a good movie. God knows we need something to get the stank out of mouths from Dumb and Dumberer.

Stuff Your Worries In A Sack

[FanGraphs] - Yes, the aches and pains are starting to add up, but a broken thumb is not the kind of injury you expect to be a lingering problem, and his 2007 problem was caused by getting hit by a pitch. The nagging hip and knee pains are problematic, certainly, but given that he was still an elite player with both problems last year, I don’t think we can claim that either has demonstrated enough severity to cause his skills to diminish all that quickly. Will Utley average 150 games per year going forward? I’d call that unlikely at best, but the Phillies shouldn’t be too overly worried that he’s going to stop producing when he is on the field. It’s quite possible that they won’t get any more +7 WAR seasons from their second baseman, but there is enough precedent to suggest that he can still be quite useful for many years to come.

Chase Utley is one of the best players in baseball. That, regardless of this latest injury, is an indisputable fact. When he is on the field and healthy, Utley produces at a rate that few other players in MLB can match. He walks, hits for power, steals bases and fields 2nd base better than any other guy in the league. But, as an article by Dave Cameron at FanGraphs today mentions, he probably can't be counted to play 150+ games anymore. Age is slowly catching up to him, and things like "knee tendonitis" and his prior hip injury are just the first signs of what may become an issue over the rest of his career.

However, what is important to realize is that the rest of the Phillies roster has been upgraded with this in mind. Rubes was smart, he realized that he had a declining offense that may never return to it's 2007-2008 levels. His response? Build a pitching staff that can help make up for that difference. Think about it, the Phillies pitching staff as a whole last year recorded 18.4 WAR (according to FanGraphs). It's reasonable to assume our four main starters, barring a major drop off in career performance, should be able to better than number BY THEMSELVES (combined last year those four totaled 22.2 WAR, so even with a drop off, or missed starts due to injury, they should surpass 2010's total). Add in a good year from Blanton and decent relief pitching and you're looking at a pitching staff that should be improved enough to handle any further drop off our offense has.

So, while we are all worried about Utley, the Phillies are still a very good team built to handle the 162 game schedule in a variety of ways. If the offense goes cold, the pitching can help them avoid long losing streaks. When the offense is hot, they'll dominate. Let's all hope Utley get healthy, but lets not worry too much just yet. This team is going to win a lot of games this year. Trust me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled funny videos and crazy news stories.

Should We Be Celebrating a .500 Team?

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Hell yes, we should! How's Lou Williams' nuts taste??  Party at the Moon Tower! Alright, alright, alrighhhht. The Sixers are the best team in the NBA. Forget that 3-13 start, that was weeks ago muthafucka, I'm partyin'! Over the last 43 games, the Sixers are 27-16. That's a winning percentage of .628, which is top 5 in the NBA. They've had three straight winning months for the first time since 2001. ESPN has us ranked 8th in the power rankings, while the New York Knicks aren't even in the top 15! So, suck on that!

The Sixers are a really good team all of a sudden. I can't stress the word "team" enough (even with italics and accent marks) they are playing inspired, unselfish basketball. Sucker-free, if you will. Iggy has finally stopped going Jackie Moon, and bought into a NBA scheme. During the 9-3 February campaign, Iguodala has never been the leading scorer, not once. Elton Brand is playing extremely well, Thad Young and Lou Williams are great bench players, and Evan Turner is starting to get used to his Avatar body.

They are holding it down at home, with a 19-9 record- which is comparable with big time West contender, OKC's 20-9 home record. Playing great at home is very important during the playoffs, which leads me to believe that we can catch the Hawks and beat Orlando in a first round series. In order to do that, the Sixers are going to have to continue playing defensive basketball. They are 2-17 when the opposition scores 100+ points, and that's no good, cause playoff teams score mad points.

500 might not be something to celebrate in Juggernaut Town, but here in Philly, we've seen where this team was, and how they've grown into a competitive team without any superstars, and we appreciate hard work and diligence around here. I'm damn proud of the Sixers and how far they've come this year.


[pic Via AP]

How Can You Not Love The Ego Of Charlie Sheen?

Many people believe Charlie Sheen is unraveling, while others would be quick to add he's a coked out loon spiraling towards a trainwreck-like finale. But you know what? I love the guy for it. Who takes the time to quote Allen Iverson during an interview while he's in the middle of waging war on CBS? Friggin Topper Harley does. He has a bigger than life ego and a confidence many people wish they could possess without taking on a drug habit. The guy doesn't give a shit about what anyone says or thinks - and that, friends, is to be commended.