Saturday, February 26, 2011

Let's All Laugh At The Knicks

This boxscore was amusing when I went to bed last night, and it's still laughable this morning. I don't wanna here "They haven't even been playing together for a week yet, give them a break." That's loser talk. The Cavs are pathetic. A team with a roster makeup of the Knicks should win this game on sheer talent alone. That would be like he Sixers losing to a team who hates their coach and only had six available players. Only difference is that Coach of the Year Doug Collins wouldn't allow that shit to go down. In the words of coked out Charlie Sheen: WINNING.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Eagles Draft Talk: Beasts and Axe Murderers

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Mock drafts are stupid. The board never plays out the way anyone thinks it will. It's like Groundhog's Day, but instead of a Porcupine you have Mel Kiper Jr. So instead of prognosticating all day on the internet (you can go blind) I'm just gonna throw some names out there. But first, let's see what the porcupines have to say. recently updated their mock draft board, and this is how they see the Eagles first three picks playing out. 1) Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin 2) Curtis Brown, CB, Texas 3) Greg Jones, LB, Michigan State. On the surface it looks like the birds would fill in their blanks at OT, CB, and LB with these picks. Carimi is a 6'8 beast, Brown is cornerback named Brown, and Greg Jones is one of those hybrid DE/LB types which usually translates into a career special teamer, which the Eagles love. If the Birds draft a tackle, corner, and linebacker with their first three picks I'm gonna be pretty happy. Hell, if they don't trade any of their first three picks I'll be happy.

Last year Howie Rose selected 7 out of 13 players who participated in the senior bowl last year, so you gotta look at who helped themselves the most during that jawn. My picks are a mixture of what I think will happen, and what I want to happen. 1) Ben Ijalana OT/G, Villanova. Don't think Carimi will be there when the Eagles pick, so they go local with Ben. I'm good either way. I'd personally want to draft Mike Pouncey, because his brother is good at football. 2) Brooks Reed, DE/OLB, Arizona. He fits the Chris Gocong/Matt McCoy style that the Eagles love, and he was one of the most impressive players at the Senior Bowl. 3) Casey Matthews, LB, OregonYou know why I want Axe Murder Jr. He looked really good at the National Championship. And, yeah, I want Clay Matthews’s stunt double if I can't have Clay Matthews.

But what about the Corner? We ain't draftin' a corner, cause we're gettin' Asomugha. I really want Corey Casey Matthews, guys. Sure he's under sized and not nearly as athletic as his brother, but they said the same things about Clay coming out of college. He's projected as a Zach Thomas, as if it's a bad thing. I'd take Zach Thomas right now over Ernie Sims - ALL DAY. We need to draft some defensive swag this year, Eagles, no more BYU kids with their high character and morals. I want beasts. CAN I GET A HOT TUB!


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Brotherly Love

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Eric Staal has a lot of brothers, so trying to kill his younger brother, Mark, might not be that big of a deal to his mother. It's not like a Saving Private Ryan situation or anything. You already punked him at the All-Star draft, that was kinda funny, but giving your little brother a concussion is cold blooded as fuck, Eric. You'd never see Daniel hit Henrik like that, they love each other.

It's an interesting moral dilemma. On one hand, you catch an opposing player trying to get the puck out of the zone with his head down. Your competitive instincts are raging. On the other hand, you used to take baths with that guy at some point in your life. What do you do... what do you do? Maybe our own Dave or Eric can provide some perspective as to what the proper protocol is in this situation.

Baseball Returns Today, Four Phils Prospects Make Top 100

The Phillies tweeted out this lineup card for today's exhibition game against Florida State. Utley and Rollins will be the only two regulars not in the lineup this afternoon. Don't get too excited Mister Antsy Pants, the game will not be on TV or on the radio. I know, it blows. I was all set to ignore working this afternoon too.

As a quick tidbit, the highly respected Baseball America released their Top 100 Prospects list for 2011. In no surprise, here are the Phils who made the cut and their respective ranking:

4. Domonic Brown
39. Jonathan Singleton
56. Brody Colvin
70. Jarred Cosart

No real surprises here. I've seen Cosart and Colvin flip-flopped in other experts' rankings. I personally think Cosart will be the better of the two.  (I base this soley on his nasty fastball... I really have no business predicting prospects.  I don't know shizz.) But really, those four guys will be vital for the Phillies future and it proves once again, that the farm system is well stocked - even after assembling the greatest pitching rotation in the history of life.

Flyers Part Ways With Zherdev, Bartulis Parts Ways With Shoulder

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Scottie meant to hit him hard, no doubt, but I doubt he intended to send Bartulis flying into the boards and separating his shoulder like that. Bartulis is not an NHL level d-man to begin with, coming into his first game in 2 months against a hot Coyotes team trying to make the playoffs. Things are gonna get rough. Gotta keep your head up, kid. This is Hockey, not fuckin' Patty Cake.

Sucks Laviolette hated Zherdev so much. This is probably how his waiver decision was made: The Part of Holmgren will be played by Brian from Family Guy while Peter Laviolette will be played by Christopher Walken-

Holmgren: I tried trading him, Peter, but everyone is gonna wait till we waive him.
Lavs (takes the gum out of his mouth): I can't stand the fuckin' guy! I hate him so much!
Holmgren: But he's got so much raw talent. I can't just waive him like that.
Lavs: I fuckin' can't stand him! He's like a fuckin' retarded Ovechkin out there! FUCK!
Holmgren: But Peter...
Lavs: Off the fuckin' team!
Holmgren: P--

Hated his guts. Zherdev is a pure sniper, he shouldn't have had to play defense - isn't that why we brought in all those defenseman? He was here to score goals. Why do we not have a Zherdev - Richards - Versteeg line right now? He must have been a real jerkoff. He's got so much raw talent, and nobody wants to play with him. But why? He's your standard, crazy, ego-maniacal Russian; surely every team needs one of those. Right? Stop with this Nodl shit.

I guess I'm just getting nervous cause it's almost beard time, they're making all these moves, Lavs is going crazy with line combos, and dudes are getting blown up left and right. Our depth has been our strength all year, then bye bye Matt Walker, bye bye Zherdev - and now what do we have? I don't like it. But Laviolette is a great coach, and maybe this helps out Leino's contract talks or something. I'm conceding that these men are much more knowledgeable than I am when it comes to both, hockey situations, and where to buy nice suits. All I'm sayin' is that your moves is suspect, yo.

Flyers beat the Rangers on Sunday and got points against the Coyotes on Tuesday. They are blowing the East away, and I'm upset because Zherdev got waived, and Versteeg is wearing number 10... That's John LeClair's number... All-in-all, I'd say I'm up at this point. But O'Donnell is likely out, Betts is out, Bartulis is out, Shelley might be out, and Boucher might be hiding an injury. Might be nice to have some skilled hockey players hanging around in case someone gets hurt.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mathletes Finally Win One

Caltech hadn't won a conference game since January 23, 1985. 1. 9. 8. 5. Holy fuck shit. Think about that for a second. The last time this team, of brilliant minds but absolutely terrible basketball players, won a conference game LeBron James wasn't even one-month old. WrestleMania didn't exist yet. Nintendo hadn't launched the NES in the US, Microsoft hadn't launched Windows. Ebony Magazine thought Michael Jackson would eventually look like this. Poor Ferris Bueller hadn't had his day off yet. Seriously.

So, congrats Caltech. Blowjobs for everyone.

Team they lost to? They have to give the blowjobs.

[h/t turd ferguson blog]

Predator: The Musical Looks Fantastic

Yep, that settles it. I would totally go and see a Broadway musical of The Predator. The whole thing was tremendous. I don't think the guys who put this together could've crafted a better masterpiece. If you're a guy, it is engrained in your DNA to agree with me on this. You know the second the singing Arnold voice hit your earpiece, you smiled like a dopey fool.

As an added bonus, hit the jump to see an outtake from Predator 2. The sequel kind of sucked, but I secretly watch it everytime it's on TBS. In many ways, I wish this was the actual ending of the film. Make sure you stick around to the end... even Danny Glover joins in on the fun.

Idaho Thinks You're A Bitch

If you're wondering what prompted this question - it was this video that made the Internet rounds a couple days ago. But the real story is how badass Idahoans think they are. The entire union is fearful of wild gorillas lurking around every corner, but not Idaho. Nope, those hillbillies aren't scared of shit. I don't know much about the state of Idaho beyond their plentiful potatoes and love of blue Astroturf, but at least now I know they'll totally beatdown Amy from Congo's ass if she gets out of line.

[h/t Buzzfeed]

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Jesse Makes Me Biddle

Ok, so that wasted 2 minutes of your life, watching a 19-year old minor league pitcher get all hot and sweaty. For those of you that are now satisfied...there's nothing wrong with that. It's 2011, more power to you.

And for the rest of you...a girl with large breasts solving a Rubik's cube:

We Have Melo! And Amare! And...Some Other Guys!

First off, let me begin this by saying I’m a fan of what the Knicks did. If you have a chance to acquire a top 10 (or 15) player, and pair him with another top 10 (or 15) player, you have to do it. When Melo is dropping 35 on Miami on Sunday, nobody in NYC is gonna miss Wilson Chandler or Danilo.

HOWEVER, the Knicks still aren’t that great. Yes, this gives them a base that could potentially be great over the next few years, but as of right now they really aren’t much of a threat (outside of taking one of the East’s contenders to 6 games in the first round) to win anything this year.

“But Dave,” you drunk-as-shit-happy-as-fuck Knicks fan might say, “We got Chaunce too. And Melo will own the Garden. You don’t know shit, we owned the Bulls twice AND we beat the Heat. Eastern Conference Finals, here we come! Bitch.”

Bitch, I'd respond with the quick fact that the Knicks only have three good players now. And remember defense? Yea, the Knicks don’t play any. Melo isn’t exactly a defensive force, and Amare basically blocks a few shots and that’s it. I mean, I'm a Billups fan and everything, but that guy isn’t guarding Rondo, Rose or Nelson in the playoffs, trust me. Over a seven game series the Knicks aren’t stopping Wade/LeBron/Bosh, Garnett/Rondo/Pierce/Allen or Rose/Boozer/Noah/Deng. It’s just not happening. Sure, they can catch fire from the three for a game or two…but remember they just traded Gallinari, Chandler AND Felton, who accounted for 5-threes per game at about 34% shooting. Sure Melo and Billups probably can make most of that up, but there isn’t the depth of 3-point shooting anymore. While the Knicks will still score a TON, how they score will need to change (Billups isn't a pass-first PG, which this offense is predicated on). It's definitely going to take some time. Again, I’m not saying this trade shouldn’t have happened, but it doesn’t exactly leave the Knicks as a true contender. Certainly more interesting, just really not that scary...yet.

If you don’t believe me check this link out. This guy knows a whole lot more than I do, and says it in a whole lot better way than I can. Long story short? Melo and Amare ain’t a perfect marriage…not like Cliff Lee and Phillies.

But don’t worry New York, we got your back. Our 76ers will be out in the first round too. Shared pain, baby. Shared pain.

Phillies Will Win 111 Games

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

Before I give you this prediction, I should let you know that I'm like, half a psychic ova' here. I see things in dreams, I swear to god. And I can also detect left handed people. Basically, I can say what you're thinking, if you said something next to me. Sometimes, I'll be singing a song, and then I turn on the radio, and that song is on, swear to god. So I'm using my powers here, to come up with a prediction of sort. So here it goes: The Phillies are winning 111 games this year.

How did you come up with this arbitrary number? Simple, the universe talks to me. Here's a thing; take the year you were born and add that number to the age you are/will be in 2011. Example, me: 84' + 27= 111. It works for everyone. J-Roll said we were chasing history. 111-51, it's happenin' like Sammy Kapanen.

Baseball is a game of numbers. Any true fan will tell you that. It's the math of the game that makes the most sense, and when you combine the math with wild speculation, and a community college level understanding of logic, it makes perfect sense. If Robert Downey Jr said it, you'd be all like, how clever.

Go Phillies!

[pic via / Yong Kim]

Joe Blanton Is Taking The Picture

This appeared on the great Todd Zolecki's blog this morning. Apparently this photo shoot is actually for a NY magazine. Less surprisingly, they didn't bother to ask Joe Blanton about it.

I know, I know. I thought R2C2 had made a stand against all group photos and interviews that don't include Heavy B too. But in the grand scheme of things, Joe Blanton's homered in a World Series, will have a great year as the 5th starter, and is a millionaire. Don't feel too bad for the guy. He's just happy to be here.

[h/t The Zo Zone]

This Is Why Fireworks are Illegal

Roman Candle Duel Headshot - Watch more Funny Videos

That's what you get, you shaggy-haired retard! A frickin Roman Candle right in your face. All up in yo' face. I have no idea if this kid was OK after this, and I don't care. I'm more upset the toolbox who appears at the :25 mark wearing biking shorts and Shock G sunglasses didn't catch one too.

Chooch: The Best Player on Earth Post

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

I know what I am about to say will be met with a lot of mouth farts and head shakes. Many of you will say, "Hey, Anonymous, stick with your obligatory hockey posts and smart ass comments in the comment section." But I keeps it real.

So here it goes: Carlos Ruiz should bat fifth. I, 2, 3, 4, FIF.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Brind' Amour Face

By TWW friend 'Anonymous'

They call it, "The Brind' Amour Face." It's when you flare your nostrils and lips and don a blank stare, thus appearing ugly and stupid, yet intimidating all at the same time... in the face. It's known world wide, from Philly to Carolina, and everyone does it in intense situations such as feeling for ripe melons and/or winning face offs. Actually, I'm the only one that does this face. But I do it for fun, out of love. Roderic Jean Brind'Amour was born doing it.

The Staples Center Seems Confused

What's worse? @StapleCenterLA's butchering of "NBA Legend" Detlef Schrempf's name, or their incredibly loose idea of what constitutes a Legend? I guess "Two Hall of Famers Standing Near 'Big Smooth' and 'Det the Threat'" didn't have the same ring to it.

[h/t SportsbyBrooks]

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Your 'Black Freckles' Rap

Here's the latest from DJ Steve Porter in the form of his Blake Griffin Rap. In all honesty, this wasn't one of Porter's better works, but this one has a bunch of dunks so that has to account for something. Plus it's a reason to further push our nickname for Blake Griffin. Give it a try - you know it's fun to say.

Black Freckles will catch on. Just you wait.

What do Demar Derozan and Andre Iguodala have in common?

They both got robbed in a dunk contest. Derozan's two first round dunks were far more impressive than Blake's two offerings, but Blake advanced. Hell, Javale McGee probably should have won. But, dunk over a car + crazy hype machine = slam dunk championship. At least it didn't take Blake 20+ attempts like Nate Robinson when he robbed Iguodala of the title.

Just for the hell of it, 11 angles of Vinsanity's 360 windmill after the jump.