Saturday, January 9, 2010

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall - Wild Card NFL Spread Picks

Well here we are, we've made it to the playoffs. All four Wild Card games this weekend are rather tough to handicap. Not even the Shark feels 100% confident in all the plays. But that's not going to stop him from laying it all out for you and letting you decide after a little analysis.

Only a month left games, people. Time to go big or go home.

To the Shark tank!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Eagles/Cowboys Fantasy Draft

Because it’s only two days away and you’ve probably heard every possible angle ad nauseam on Saturday's Eagles v Cowboys Wild Card matchup, we decided to do something fun and a little different that will trigger arguments.

You play Madden.  You know what a fantasy draft is.  If you were choosing from the Eagles and Cowboys and had to pick a starting lineup with the players from either team*, what kinda football Frankenstein would you end up with? McNabb or Romo? Celek or Witten? A shitty safety or an equally shitty safety?

Keep in mind this isn’t a roster based off who we’d rather have for their whole careers, just starting at this point in time and going forward.

On to fantasy land!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Spadaro Not Only Swallows, He Can Spit Too

Dave Spadaro annoys the shit out of me. As an employee of the Eagles he gives way too much praise when none is due and way too little criticism when a lot is needed. He comes across as too much of an apologist for me, so much so that I stopped reading the Eagles Web site two years ago.

But dude, this is hilarious:

Matt Mosley Finds Typing Difficult While Fondling Cowboys' Balls

DALLAS - Matt Mosley, NFC East Blogger for and former writer for the The Dallas Morning News, has reportedly had difficulty writing balanced articles leading up to the Cowboys' playoff matchup with the Philadelphia Eagles due to an abundance of Cowboys players' balls in his hands.

Mosley, an award-winning writer who is best known for coddling his beloved Cowboys and producing biased articles towards the rest of the division, first discovered the problem while attempting to think of something positive to say about the Eagles.

"I walked over to his cube and saw Tony Romo and Miles Austin standing there, bottomless," an anonymous ESPN editor explained. "Matt definitely had both of their scrotums -- four testicles total -- cupped in his hands. I'm not sure how he's going to produce this story on the success of Philadelphia's rookies without those hands."

When reached for comment, Mosley slovenly mumbled "MMMRRGH GGRRURGPH DROMMGRR MMMRRH HRRM," seemingly unwilling to take Romo's dick out of his mouth.

"He's the best," moaned Romo. "After you've had Jessica Simpson and get used to the kind of head that a fat chick can give, Matt's the only place to go."

There is no update as to when said story will be completed.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

DeSean Twitter: Cowboys 'got some shiiiiit commn for they ass'

From DeSean Jackson's twitter:

not just shit. shiiiiit.

After the jump, if you haven't yet heard, is Snoop Dogg's song for DeSean's website, This isn't just some rent-a-rapper financial transaction, either -- they're actually good friends. Really. Check out DeSean on Snoop's (short-lived) show Dogg After Dark. And this picture of Snoop in a jersey (with Donald Brashear?). They're both from Long Beach...which I guess makes them supergood friends for some reason. Chuuch!

Say Hello To The Brad Lidge Contingency Plan

The Phillies announced this afternoon that they have agreed to terms with relief pitcher Danys Baez on a two-year contract worth a reported $5.25 million.

Unless you're a hardcore baseball fan, or play fantasy baseball, odds are, you may not have ever heard of Baez. And that's okay, here is your background info - Baez pitched last season for the Orioles in strictly a middle-relief role. He has however, been a closer in the past (nothing full-time since 2005). Now certainly, nobody is going to confuse Baez with an All Star, but he's not terrible either.

The Blueprint (3) for the Birds

I'm going to take this opportunity to give a genuine thank you to Andy Reid for what he has accomplished thus far this season and in his overall tenure as head coach of the Eagles. I understand that it's playoff time and tensions are high, but what we talkin' about here, really? You can hate all you want, but let me serve as a reminder to what he's done so far this season. Sure, we've seen that a star is born in Shady McCoy, but our retard helmet superstar running back is on his last legs. Reid has steadfastly captained a ship with a brand new O-line, a franchise quarterback that won't be young forever and is only marginally liked by his teammates, a dead defensive coordinator, a convicted dog murderer, a season-ending injury to his starting middle linebacker, the second youngest team in the league, did all of this in a notoriously high-pressure football hotbed, and got them to an 11-5 season. Worried because of the result of last Sunday's game slaughtering? Get like AR, the Birds, and the wiz wit's banner: off that and onto the next one. This man hasn't lost a first-round playoff game -- ever. So chill the fuck out -- especially those of you on WIP. Fat Andy and Donovan F. run this town.

Will they win this weekend...who knows? Playoff games are as real as it gets and if they show up like they did on Sunday they'll be D.O.A. The Bad Guys are also already home, but I think the chances of the Dallas Cowboys shitting the bed in the playoffs are always good.  Jerry Jones is so ambitious for another Superbowl that he personally helped fund a $1.2 billion football mega-church, but there is some feeling of inevitability for this team to fail when it counts most.  Hopefully it'll be the Eagles that brings that failure.  And hopefully that night, when his empire state of mind diminishes and a crestfallen Jones kicks the last Laotian stripper out of his Texas-shaped jacuzzi, the screams of his frustration will reverberate off the tiled walls of his underground stadium sex dungeon and be heard all the way to Philadelphia.  Hopefully.

Uh...Venus vs. Mars.


McNabb's Last Stand?

It's that time of year again, folks. Every January -- although it honestly has been a year-round discussion for four years -- this question is asked: Could this be Donovan McNabb's last game as an Eagle?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Eagles 0, Cowboys 24: Pointing Fingers!

Two punched walls (no holes), three objects thrown across the room, and countless colorful expletives shouted at my television. In other words, the Eagles lost. Big. In a game they really needed. Countdown to devastating loss: Tminus 7 days.