Newspapers: Where Amazing Happens

Per USA TODAY, THE SECOND-MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER IN THE COUNTRY:

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb elicits the image of Simba, the cub from The Lion King, suddenly thrust to the head of the pride after the unexpected departure of longtime leader Donovan McNabb. And with plenty of hungry hyenas lurking in the NFC East — McNabb, now a hyena in Washington Redskins clothing and still among them — Kolb will have little time to adjust to his new role on the league's hotly contested 100-yard plains, and he knows it.

I can't believe this shit was written by a real, live PAID journalist. What a terrible, terrible analogy.

Pumba better watch the fuck out.

[USA Today]

In Soviet Reading, Players Get Hit By YOU

Hey - two posts in one day about people being intentionally hit with baseballs at the ballpark! Except this time, in a wildly unpredictable twist, it’s the fan who hits the player. I know you're on the edge of your seat right now.

This one happened while the Reading Phillies were visiting the Richmond Flying Squirrels. So the story goes, Phillies pitcher J.C. Ramirez threw a routine pitch to a Richmond batter which was fouled off into the upper deck on the third base side. The unidentified fan who caught it decided to throw the ball back on the field because he said he'd "seen it on TV at Cubs games". As you probably guessed by now, dude threw a perfect strike right into J.C. Ramirez's leg. The fan was escorted out of the stadium and banned for life from attending Squirrel's games.

Kind of a harsh punishment if you ask me. I mean, that’s a crazy accurate throw. I applaud him. Maybe the Squirrels should just sign him up, Rookie of the Year style.

In case you're wondering, Ramirez is "a little sore" but not hurt. He's contemplating filing a lawsuit, which is pretty lame. So just to recap, the Phillies traded Cliff Lee for:

Phillippe Aumont who has pretty much sucked.
Tyson Gillies who does coke.
J.C. Ramirez who gets beaned by fans.

Super duper.

[h/t to Sportress of Blogitude]

So How Did This Not Get Any Press?

Apparently, Nyjer Morgan of the Nationals was suspended for seven games by Major League Baseball for being a sensitive asshole. Morgan decided it was a good idea to rocket a ball into the stands at a fan last weekend at Citizen's Bank Park. From what's been reported, Morgan was jawing back and forth with a fan for much of the game. At the end of the 8th inning, he'd had enough and (allegedly) threw the ball into the stands, where it predictably missed the guy he was aiming for and hit some other guy in the domepiece.

So seriously, how did this happen in CBP and stay unreported until now? That doesn't even make sense to me, especially since practically 1/3 of the crowd is filled with Philly bloggers. If a professional athlete loses his cool after arguing for 2 hours with a drunk (my assumption) fan, and throws a ball at an "innocent" fans’ head, I'd think the press would be all over him.

The fact this happened in Philadelphia and stayed so quiet really is baffling - not only because it's 'news worthy' but because every little thing that happens at CBP gets press. Whether it’s Werth yelling at some guy to get out of the way of a foul ball, a cute little girl tossing the ball her father caught back on to the field, or something as simple as an overweight security professional injecting 12,000 volts of badass into a skinny teenager - it's going to be talked about. Major League player throws a baseball at a fans’ head and nothing? Just odd.

Anyway, it's fair to note that Morgan denies any wrongdoing and has entered an appeal.

[h/t to HardballTalk]

Carlos is a Handsome Little Devil, A Short Ballpark Story

As you may have heard, everyone's favorite Panamanian catcher was honored with his own bobblehead last night. Foremost, I have to say that this is one of the cooler bobbleheads in my collection. Between him being down in a plate-blocking stance and the fact it comes with a removable mask, I'm in love with this thing. Certainly cooler than quasi-racist lawn gnomes or any typical mid-swing batting bobble.

Clearly I was not the only one who thought this. Everyone loves Carlos Ruiz. That was evidenced by A) THE LARGEST CROWD OF THE SEASON and B) the prison-like bartering from some the Citizen's Bank Park employees. While paying for my price-inflated cheesesteak, the Tony Luke’s girl handing out the trays of food quietly leaned in and asked each patron the same question. “Trade your bobblehead for a free steak?” At first I thought she was joking. After realizing she was completely serious, I was just caught off guard. She looked seriously upset when I declined. No one I went to the game with accepted the trade, nor did I see anyone else in line make the swap. That would basically be placing a value of $8.50 on your bobblehead. Not worth it in my opinion, but you can't blame the employees for trying to get some Chooch. I'm sure some extra hungry fatass took a whiff of the whiz and made the rash, heat-of-the-moment steakswap.

But as we tweeted last night, and was pointed out by TWW friend Eric, this may be the most handsome bobblehead of all time. I mean just look at those deep brown eyes, the chiseled features, and his stoic ceramic determination! It's like they modeled Ruiz after a young Antonio Banderas . TOO SEXY MY FRIEND!

Or maybe he just looks like a generic Italian guy. One or the other. Either way: great bobble, Carlos. No homo.

Haha! Suck it, Saudis!

Yeaaaa I guess all that oil money still can't buy your kids Little League wins! Jersey showin' the Middle East how to smack some Ding Dong Kabooms!

In other news, Little League Baseball is for 13 year-olds and pedophiles. TheWizWit OUT.

If You're a Starting DE for the Eagles Throw Your Hands in the Air

Rookie first-round pick and our defensive Lord and Savior Brandon Graham has officially moved past Juqua "I love weed" Parker on the depth chart for the starting LE spot. It was only a matter of time, but Graham sped up the process by recording three tackles (two for loss) and a sack against the Bengals last week.

Go get 'em baby Elvis.