Larry Fitz Wants Him Some Hogkiller

Each Arizona Cardinal who attempted to pretend they were an NFL quarterback failed miserably last year. Arizona QB's threw a total of 10 TD's all year while their completion percentage barely reached 50%. So to avoid another disaster, and actually have a chance to resign Larry Fitzgerald (he's a free agent after next season), they must sign a viable QB.

Adam Schefter reported that when the Cardinals asked Larry Fitz who he wants tossing him passes next year, he responded with a ringing endorsement of Kevin Kolb.  Thank you Larry Fitzgerald.  I always knew I liked you.  Zona has the #5 overall pick in the draft and I can only pray they're foolish enough to give it up for KK.

For what it's worth, Fitz second choice was Marc Bulger. He's basically given them the option to either trade for Kolb, or sign a washed up, injury prone Marc Bulger off the street. This is why you don't ask players for input into personnel moves.

Mike Vick Says What We Were All Thinking

Michael Vick knows Kevin Kolb is Gone -
On if he thinks he and Kevin Kolb can co-exist like they did this year in 2011: "Me and Kevin haven't spoken about it because of our relationship. When that time comes, we'll keep it real with one another. I think ultimately it comes down to what Kevin wants to do. If he's in Philadelphia and I'm in Philadelphia and we have to work together again, everything will be okay because we always try to help each other, compete and make each other better. So I think regardless of the fact if we're together, everything is going to be just fine, and we'll have another great season it and enjoy it. I think with Kevin being the competitor that he is, if he tries to go and find a job somewhere else, I think he'll be successful doing it. And I know he wants to play. So it's just up to Kevin and what he wants to do."

It's basically up to Kevin and how much he's willing to start elsewhere.  Remember, dude was a second round pick and definitely didn't come into the league with any crazy hype.  He's played well with the chances he's been given, but to change systems and expect him to immediately shine is setting pretty high expectations.  He's probably not even 100% confident he would play well on another team.

Also of note were Vick's comments about whether or not he could be as successful elsewhere as he is in Philly, where he admitted that he "really [doesn't] think so" and that Fat Andy "just has a way of bringing out the best in me."

Jesus, just kiss already.


h/t Deadspin

Autotuned Andy Reid To Brighten Your Day

DJ Steve Porter - the same guy who brought us the fantastic Press Hop and Press Hop 2 videos - gives us this outstanding little ditty.  Andy Reid spits hot fire son! 

It was a rought weekend; at least this video gives Philly sports fans a reason to smile.  You may now go back to calling Kenny Britt and Juan Uribe assholes.

Eagles 31, Falcons 17: The Desktop Wallpaper Bowl

Oh who doesn't love the friendly office wager.

A fellow employee -- who for the sake of privacy we'll call "Edward McFalconsfan" -- and I were engaged in a work week of casual shit-talking since last Monday. The final resolution? Whoever is the fan of the losing team must change their desktop wallpaper to a background of the winner's choosing and leave it there for a week.

Edward McFalconsfan, enjoy your week. I came into work early on a Monday just to MS Paint this for you.

So what did we learn? Wetz was Wrong, Chad Hall is the Beneficiary of Racism, Dunta Robinson is a Fucking Asshole, Give McDermott His Credit, Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter, Won in the Trenches, Wide Left, and Vick is Still the Starter.

Eagles 27, 49ers 24: I Want My ShadyBackShadyBackShadyBack

The Phillies beat the Eagles in the Local TV Ratings Bowl Sunday night, defeating the long-time champs 27.7 to 24.1.

There has been some chatter concerning the implications of these numbers, some now claiming that Philly has shifted from a football town to a baseball town. Not a bad argument -- the Phillies are the only Philadelphia professional sports team to win a championship in my whole mothercursing lifetime. Others will argue that more people turned into the Phillies/Reds NLDS game because it was a playoff game and it's only week 5 in the NFL. Also -- a decent argument.

I think we're both...at least right now. The city is in a transition period where its' favorite son has been overshadowed in recent years by his much more successful younger brother (or sister). This is the closest the two sports have been in popularity in some time and we should all just be thankful that neither of these teams have been managed by anyone who had anything to do with the Sixers. Forserious.

Oh yeah, and they both won. So what did we learn from the Birds win Sunday? Well Kevin Kolb Earns his Scrilla, Ribs Ain't No Thang, Bye Bye Bunkley, King Dunlap is the New Winston Justice, Kevin Kolb Trade Value Meter, We Built This City on Turn-o-vers, and Trevor Laws Wins the Game.

Eagles Receivers Still Wide Open, Waiting on Kolb Pass

NFL Network's NFC Playbook show -- an otherwise lame program that I imagine is masturbation material for people like Mike Martz -- featured a segment dedicated to Kevin Kolb and his missed opportunities last week. Because human people should only watch NFL Network when it's completely necessary (except Rich Eisen...he's alright in my book), I've provided you with a synopsis of what was covered.

1.  Dudes was open.
2.  Dudes wasn't thrown balls.
3.  Dude needs to hit open dudes next week.

BOOM!  Where's my contract, NFL Network?

Eagles 12, Redskins 17: Slow Clap

So for those of you keeping score at home: McNabb out, Kolb in, Kolb out, Vick in, Vick out, Kolb in. And hopefully Kolb out. Very, very soon.

I may stand alone here as the guy starting the slow clap for our former QB, but it's totally justified. We got what we deserved. McSoup didn't play great, but he played well enough to win a game he probably wanted more than any of us could imagine. Hogmurder had his shot at history -- and beating McNabb in his first return game after Vick got injured would surely be historic -- but alas, it was not to be.

So what did we learn? Kevin Kolb is a Scared Shell of a Quarterback, Owen is the Schmitt, Appreciate Shady, Eagles got Clocked, Mike Bell Sucks, Where's the Rush?, Asante's Business Decisions, Countdown to Meltdown, The Prophet Barkley, and McNabb's Last Laugh.

Eagles 20, Packers 27: Pointing Fingers!

Oh snap!

So THAT shit didn't pan out how we wouldda guessed. If you had two season-ending injuries, two concussions, and a return of the Michael Vick Experience scramble party on your scorecard, then you are the winner! And psychic. WIIIIITCH!!!

And while I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a "Pointing Fingers" article this week, there are obviously some interesting things to talk about / blame for this loss including KevinKolbSucksHe'sTerrible, No Love for DeSean, Brent Celek Kidnapping, Winston Justice's Averageness, Ellis Hobbs, Marty Mornhinweg's employment, Andy Reid's genius, and Omar Gaither.

Newspapers: Where Amazing Happens

Per USA TODAY, THE SECOND-MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER IN THE COUNTRY:

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb elicits the image of Simba, the cub from The Lion King, suddenly thrust to the head of the pride after the unexpected departure of longtime leader Donovan McNabb. And with plenty of hungry hyenas lurking in the NFC East — McNabb, now a hyena in Washington Redskins clothing and still among them — Kolb will have little time to adjust to his new role on the league's hotly contested 100-yard plains, and he knows it.

I can't believe this shit was written by a real, live PAID journalist. What a terrible, terrible analogy.

Pumba better watch the fuck out.

[USA Today]

She F*cking Hates Meeeeee!!!

Is this dude the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles or the guy who put up drywall in your office last week while listening to Puddle of Mudd? You decide.

Courtesy of Todd Herremans' (surprisingly entertaining) Twitter page.

Kolb Slobbering

Tom Heckert. Courtesy of Bleeding Green Nation.

Kevin Kolb Will Kill You

We've all heard the stories of how Kolb slays wild hogs for fun.  We also know he's a country boy who loves to talk wildlife and would easily win the TV show 'Survivor' (if it hadn't jumped the shark 10 years ago). 

610 WIP's Anthony Gargano has a published account of yet another badass Kevin Kolb exploit.  SPOILER: it involves snakes, boots, and a .38.

Tim Hasselbeck Wants You to Draft Kevin Kolb

He would also appreciate it if you would stop comparing him to his brother. And hey, lay off his wife while you're at it.

Philadelphia Eagles Madden 11 Player Ratings

Full ratings here.  What's wrong?

Kevin Kolb 75 Overall
This is egregious. I understand that all of the ratings have been down the past couple of years and that I may be drinking the kelly green Kool-Aid here, but KK is better than a 75. There's no way that Andy Reid trades his franchise quarterback and decade-long butt bro Donovan McNabb IN THE DIVISION to start a 75. Chad Henne is a 75. And his face looks stupid. Hopefully we see this push 80 after a couple weeks into the season.

And is third-string rookie Mike Kafka's accuracy really better than our other QBs? Hmm. Weird.

Asante Samuel 29 Tackle rating
I know the dude isn't a great tackler, but a 29 tackle rating is ridiculous. I have a 29 tackle rating. Prepare to witness absurd tackle-breaking scenarios with dudes like Brett Favre or the fake-punt guy all game.

DeSean Jackson 95 Swagger Rating
So EA has sold even more of their game, this time adding in the hilariously unnecessary "Swagger" rating. Perhaps the Swagger ratings are a bit reverse racist, but how in the world is DeSean 'DJacc' Jackson only a 95 Swagger rating? LOOK at this motherfucker. This is a guy who publicly chest-bumps his 500lb coach. This is the same guy that not once but TWICE missed out on a touchdown because he was trying to celebrate into the endzone. On his Twitter he says things like "what up loco halla at ya nephew" to goddamn Snoop Dogg. @Desean Jackson, you are swagged out. Give this man his 99.

Oh yeah, how does Stuart Bradley have the lowest (45 Swag) on the team? He's lower than King Dunlap. Stu Brad is doing interviews with Drake!

Jason Avant 82 Catch
No way, bruh. [Jesus hands]

Daniel Te'o-Nesheim is a 0
'Cause apparently he's not on the team. What you got against Somoans, ESPN? They do the Humpty Dance, too!

phillygameday.com

Dogmurder / Hogmurder

More people need to believe that Michael Vick is going to have a big year.  Are you a nonbeliever?

Think about it. It's so simple. You bring Vick in the first year -- maybe he's still a good player and maybe he isn't -- but it's worth a couple of million to find out. Plus, you still have Donovan Eff and KK Hogmurder to handle the majority of the dirty work. What do you find out?

The Donovan McNabb Era, Summed Up By A Woman

[This is from the latest Bill Simmons' mailbag.]

Q: Isn't the Eagles letting go of Donovan the ultimate "it's not, you it's me" scenario? Donovan has been dating the Eagles fans for years now. In the beginning it was exciting and risky. You never knew what he was going to do with the ball and he kept you on your toes. Like when my boyfriend liked to give me massages and surprise me with a card or a have breakfast for me. Each encounter (insert mood music) is hot and fresh. Then after 12 years you've found yourself faking moaning and hoping things get moving so you can fit in your 40 minutes of DVR before bed. I know all his moves and when he's going to high-step it two yards short of the first down. I know when he's going to throw it at DeSean's ankles. K-squared may not be perfect but at least his faults will surprise me. Donovan, it's been great. I loved the good times. But it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me.
-- Lauren

SG: Funny e-mail, concise, original angle. That's what I'm talking about! And by the way, only a woman could have summed up the McNabb Era in Philly.


I have to agree with Simmons on this one...she nailed it. I feel bad for her boyfriend though. He obviously sucks in bed.

Kolb Gets Extended and Links for Friday

A second Philadelphia athlete got a nice extension this week, his name is Kevin Kolb. The Eagles inked Kolb to a contract that will keep him in Philly through next year, guaranteeing him $12.26 million. Not quite Ryan Howard money but at least the dude is now paid like a starter in the NFL. If they hadn't extended him, Kolb would have made only $550,000. Now he'll get a $10.7 million signing bonus in addition to a bump in his yearly salary. That money will sure kill a lot of hogs.

Anyway, this actually works out well for the Eagles. Since the CBA expired there are all types of weird rules around extentions. This meant the Eagles couldn't sign Kolb to an extension without it being ridiculously team friendly since yearly salaries can't increase more than 30% each year due to the new rules. Thus, the Eagles get him on a two-year deal and get to see if he's any good. If he totally blows, they can move on. If he's awesome they can resign him to a long-term, big dollar contract. It's pretty much a win-win.

Anyways, here's to hoping that Kolb is the truth. Cause if he isn't...well....let's just not think about that right now. Now onto the links...

Obligatory Tim Tebow Article

The McNabb era is over. Kevin Kolb is now the guy. But what happens if Kolb blows? There has to be some youngster waiting in the wings, right?

When Kolb takes on the role as 'starter', he vacates the title of 'QB of the future'. And who will step in to that roll?

Well, Sports Illustrated’s rotund football writer, Peter King, has an idea.

Kevin Kolb is a Cowboys Fan

Or was a Cowboys fan.  Either way it's a true story.  Regardless of how difficult it is to consider that a Cowboys fan -- who at 25 years old most certainly cheered for Michael Irvin -- is now the franchise quarterback of my Philadelphia Eagles...I understand.  Dude can't help that he's from west Texas and was born into a Cowboys fan-mily (you see what I did there?). It still kinda stings, though.

Check out this clip...gets good around 4:10.

Kinda awkward with the whole overly denying his fanhood thing. At one point while explaining what he did when he got the news that he is the starter, he almost says that he did a little "hootin' and hollerin'," but stops and says "fist pumping" instead. He's trying too hard to fit in -- and even worse using Jersey Shore as a reference to east coast behavior. SMELLS LIKE GUILT.

Cowboys stars are like swastikas to me, Kevin!

TheWizWit Wallpaper Wednesday!

Has Goosebumps not taught you anything!?

If we really are about to end the McNabb era here in Philly -- like for real for real this time -- we all need to take a deep breath, THINK, and understand what we're getting ourselves into.

First of all, I support trading The Artist Formerly Sponsored By Soup if the birds can get adequate value for him. If the Rams really are ready to give up the 33rd pick and their Free Safety Atogwe (a 90 in Madden), I'm with it. I trust that Kolb can develop and play at a high level and hope that the Eagles are smart (and ruthless) enough to keep Vick around for the second year of his contract to take 10-20 snaps a game. That could work.  It will work.  No more dirt passes.

Sounds good, right?...feels good. Mmmmm....no more McNabb.  The phrase itself just feels like a warm bath.  Like breathing in clean laundry.  Ahhh. 

But take another breath, dummy. We are giving up a 6-time Pro Bowl easily-the-greatest-QB-in-franchise-history big arm quarterback that has taken us to 5 NFC Championship Games and a Superbowl. For what? A pick and Kevin Kolb? Don't envision Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan and forget Alex Smith and JaMarcus Russell.

And. Rodney Peete. And Ty Detmer. And Bobby Hoying. And Doug Pederson. And Koy Detmer. And AJ Feeley. Just saying.

And on that note...Kevin Kolb: The Choice.