And Here We Have Chris Bosh Resembling An Ostrich

After pouring over the evidence, examining some scientific formulas, and taking a quick glance at this picture, Chris Bosh is definitely an ostrich. That shit is uncanny - it's really quite astounding in a creepy sort of way. Now, I'm sure Bosh isn't thrilled about looking like a big dumb bird, but at least it's better than what Google thinks of him.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude and @Adri_Mane]

Did Someone Take a Dump in Ian Kinsler's Cereal?

So Ian Kinsler decided to take a shot at DeSean Jackson, Mike Vick and Manny Ramirez for no reason at all by saying this:

"This isn't DeSean Jackson or Michael Vick or Manny Ramirez," Kinsler said, according to Richard Durrett of ESPNDallas.com. "Michael Young is a professional. It would be completely out of his personality not to be here."

Ok, I get why he included Manny. That actually makes perfect sense. But DeSean and Vick? Neither of them have ever demanded a trade or spoke ill of their organizations. What the hell is up his cornhole? It's kind of a dick move if you ask me. If nothing else, maybe Michael Young should stick around to play some second base when Kinsler misses a quarter of the season during his yearly DL stint.


[h/t ESPN via Philly.com]

The Two Days Late Kris Versteeg Article

Written by TWW friend "Anonymous"

So, we went out and got Kris Versteeg, and that's pretty cool. He could be like a replacement Gagne in the playoffs. He was a Chicago Shmohawk last year, but that's okay, I always kinda liked the guy, but don't get it twisted, I will always hate his face, and I will always resent him for what he did to me last year... it was inappropriate, and I did NOT give consent.

Not for nothin', It's kinda hard to be mad this year. The Guys are 38-14-5, that's the second best record in Hockey. Our only real competition in the East is Boston and Tampa. Pittsburgh is just some team now, with Malkin out for the year and Crosby's fate being compared to that of our very own concussion magnet, Eric Lindros. Check the eerie comparisons with these guys. We all remember how great Lindros was, until Scott Stevens put that permanent gay twinkle in his eyes.

Basically, we're winning The Cup this year. There's only two things I can think of that I would want fixed on the squad. 1.) Just let Zherdev spin around the ice and toe-drag as much as he wants. You let Giroux do it last year. He just wants to score goals girls love. 2.) Nodl, who is the Hockey equivalent of a stem-cell, needs to decide what kind of player he wants to be. He's a classic jack of all trades, master of none. Get him off the first line, and don't make Richards play with him anymore... just stop it. Other than that, we're in good shape for a deep run this year. Like a SCUBA Marathon.

LET'S GO FLYERS

Don't Get Stuck Like A Cactus

I was right there with the SEO Rapper, but he lost me when he suggested I pay 300 dollars for something. I ignore my real job for hours a day to entertain you people. You see any ads on this page? We do this shit for free mayne! Ok, just kidding, if anyone does want to advertise here, please send us an email with a bunch of dollar signs in the subject. We're totally worth it.

But for real, let me get mo' serious with you for a second. If you actually listen to what this guy is rapping about, it's all true. I can't even make fun of him - the guy knows what he's talking about and sounds halfway decent doing it. The SEO Rapper is the truth, son!

[h/t Videogum]

Dom Brown Will Thwack Many A Ding Dong This Year

I'm sold. Just give him the job. Having so many veterans around him can only help accelerate his rise to future super-stardom, right? Right?? According to Jim Salisbury's article on CSN Philly, Dom Brown not only fixed the flaw in his swing, but added 10 pounds of muscle as well. I can't wait till he's shagging fly balls in his hat and rocketing moonshot dingers at missile-like speed. It’s going to be epic.

[CSNPhilly]

Would You Discuss Undergarments With This Man?

[PennLive] Rip Alan Swartz, 43, of the 100 block of East Main Street, turned himself in Tuesday to Upper Allen Township police on charges of harassment relating to the sexually explicit calls to local businesses in October. Police say female employees at the businesses would receive phone calls from Swartz on multiple occasions when he would attempt to engage the women in conversations about pantyhose.

Ole Rip Alan here kind of looks like an old school relief pitcher from the early 80's with that shaggy, drugged out, mustachioed look. Although in actuality, I'm going to guess his greatest success was working night security at an area Bambergers. Anyway, the article goes on to say he placed over 400 harassing calls a day to unsuspecting ladies. That's some hardcore dedication - 400 calls DAILY? Dude was committed and nobody can take that away from him. But my favorite part about this clown came in the last sentence of the article:

He was arraigned in Hampden Township on Feb. 11 for 21 counts of harassment and released on bail with the condition that he not call or visit Hooters, Bob Evans, Applebees or First National Bank of Marysville.

Cue the Sesame Street 'One of These Things is Not Like the Other' music. I hope it was worth it pal. You just cost yourself a lifetime of wings, sausage links, mozzarella sticks... and... uh... bank withdrawals.

BOOM, ROASTED.

So earlier this week most of us saw the photo above of Cliff Lee rockin' a "BOOM" shirt. As amazingly awesome as (all alliterations aside) that shirt is, Crossing Broad was able to confirm that they weren't for sale. Stupid Nike.

Thankfully, though, the folks over at I Don't Give A Schmidt took it upon themselves to make one. So, yea, I know what I'll be wearing opening day. I suggest you do the same.

BOOM. Cliff Lee.

[image c/o The Zo Zone]

iPads: Your New Crusty Restaurant Tool

[USA Today] When the new chain Stacked: Food Well Built opens its first of three Southern California units in May — this one in Torrance — sitting atop each of the fast-casual chain's 60 tables will be an iPad that folks will use to design and order their meals. The two co-founders — who founded the BJ's Restaurant chain — plan to place 100 iPads in each restaurant. Diners will use them to look at meal options; design their own burgers, pizzas and salads; and, if they want, use the iPads to pay for the meals.
 
Am I the only one who thinks this idea will backfire in the long run? iPads are cool and all, but after you go to the restaurant once or twice, the novelty kind of wears off and you're not all yelling, "Oh snap! I can order food on this iPad??" And if you are, don't forget to take your mid 90's slang back to the DeLorean on your way out.

To me, part of the whole restaurant experience is being waited on, sifting through a menu, and making my girlfriend choose between two separate meals for me. If I wanted to push buttons on a screen, I would've just went to Wawa and ordered a meatball sandwich.

But none of that matters in "fast-casual" food you say? Ok, fine. I'll play your game John Q. Rhetorical… Can you imagine just how friggin' greasy that iPad is going to get over time? Sure the establishment will try to keep them clean and wiped down after each meal, but we all know that won't last. Every time I buy a pair of sneakers, I swear to myself that I won't allow any dirt smudges. For a while, those sneakers are pristine, but then laziness takes over and I’ve got dirty shoes. Before I stretch comparisons any further, here's your lesson for the day: Laziness wins all battles. People are slobs. And iPads used as a menus/payment method is asking for disaster. Big crusty disaster.

[pic via USA Today]

ESPN's AJ Mass Has No Idea What He's Talking About

That completely asinine blurb appears in ESPN.com's recent 2011 Fantasy Baseball Sleepers, Busts article. I don't know if AJ Mass just mailed this one in or what, but he couldn't be any further from the truth. I'm not even looking at this from a fantasy baseball perspective - it's just all wrong from a general baseball aspect.

I try to not get on anyone for stating their opinion, but it's tough when they're basically inventing a reason like this. The reason Hamels has been a .500 pitcher over the last two seasons has nothing to do with the execution of his curveball being "few and far between". Wins are a fickle stat and not entirely indicative of how well a pitcher is performing. Plain and simple, Hamels got no run support last year. He struck out over 200 guys with an ERA of 3.06 for Christ’s sake. If he even gets a little more run support, he's easily a 15 win pitcher. In fact, according to Fangraphs, Hamels only threw his curve 8% of the time last year due to the introduction of his cutter. The debut of that cutter helped keep hitters off balance and only helped make his fastball, curve, and changeup (his true “out pitch”) more effective.

Anyway, it's predictions like these that just annoy me and make me wish AJ Mass was in my fantasy league. If you're looking for some really exceptional fantasy baseball advice, do yourself a favor and go to Razzball.com. Best fantasy blog on the interwebs. You can thank me later.

Google Image Fun - Pitching Rotation Edition

So I Google "Phillies pitchers" and I found the gem of a photo above. Apparently this was the cover shot for the Dallas Morning News and their 2006 MLB season preview. The Rangers, who must have been so proud of themselves at the time, spent an off-season acquiring past and future Phillies pitchers Adam Eaton, Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla. Not exactly Halladay, Lee and Oswalt (hell, not even Joe Blanton). The Rangers finished that season 80-82, with Eaton making only 12 starts and Millwood and Padilla pitching to 4.50 ERAs. Yea...someone lost their job for that one.

Oh, and the answer to the provocative cover story question? No, no they can't.

All the more reason to love Rubes. And our pitching staff.

Smile.

[photo via phillies.com]

And Here We Have Some Beer Battered Marshmallows

Beer marshmallows kind of sound like an odd combo at first, but from the looks of that picture, I'm willing to go all-in and endorse its deliciousness. Truffle Truffle is a chocolatier in Chicago and has invented these nuggets of unhealthy joy. Each marshmallow square is made from scratch, dipped in chocolate, and then topped with a sweet and salty beer-pretzel brittle.

I'm always amazed when new food concoctions are brought to my attention... even though it makes me feel like such a fatass. Between that and my love of the Food Network, I'm guaranteed to be a sarcastic tub of goo later in life. Luckily, for my health’s sake, there's no chance in hell I'll ever be tasting these beer marshmallows - just four of the squares cost $10 while a 12 piece box rapes you to the tune of $30 (plus tax and shipping). I'll spend my money on several 100 Grand bars, thank you very much.

[Slash Food]

Jose Reyes is a Snitch

[NYP] If their parents can't get truants to go to class, maybe Magic Johnson can. Or R&B superstar Trey Songz. Or the Mets' Jose Reyes. Even Mayor Bloomberg is going to give it a shot. The city yesterday launched a program called WakeUp NYC that enlists celebrities to place automated phone calls to chronically absent students at 25 schools.

Ah yes, that's the ticket. Have athletes and performers send  a bunch of impersonal pre-recorded phone calls out. That'll surely make kids care about going to school. I mean, who does Jose Reyes think he is anyway? Tattling on a bunch of kids for skipping school...he's only bothered showing up for 169 of the Mets last 324 games and nobody's blowin' up his spot.

Yeah I went there. Suck on that Mets fans.

Jeff Van Gundy Doesn't Think Rondo Is Very Funny

As much as I hate the Celtics, and Rajon Rondo, I have to admit this was a pretty smart move by #9. Watching the game earlier, it became increasingly apparent that the Celtics have a tremendous mental edge over the Heat. Rondo and Kevin Garnett, while punks, are so constantly intense that it wears on teams. It was obvious that LeBron, Wade and Bosh got frustrated in the second half, and it's things like Rondo's huddle snooping above (and Garnett shoulder to Mike Miller) that help contribute to that frustration. So, while I can't exactly say that Rondo's tactic was good sportsmanship, it sure seemed to get the job done.

Of course, if he ever does it again, I hope LeBron punches him is his gay little face.

Michael Young, Heartbreaker

I have to say, I had a similar reaction when the Phillies traded Bobby Abreu. /sarcasm

[Video via Big League Stew]

Doug Collins is Abe Lincoln

A day after knocking down the San Antonio Spurs at home the Sixers continued their winning ways by defeating the Minnesota Timberwolves on Saturday night by a score of 107-87.

And Doug Collins has now become Abe Lincoln.