Friday, January 28, 2011
Is Charlie Sheen Dead? - Is now officially its own website. Keep smokin' coke and banging porn stars, Charlie. You're a hero to us all. [Buzzfeed]
Dazed and Confused Rapped in 120 Seconds - White dudes are killing it lately with the fast rapping -- I'm just glad somebody is putting it to good use. If you like the movie you must watch this. If only Mystikal were alive to hear guys rapping this fast. Oh, he still is? Oh. [Flavorwire]
Iggy Pop's Torso is Sad - So, so sad. [Skull Swap]
Dumbest Reviews of Classic Movies - According to the New York Times, Godfather II "recalls how much better [the] original film was." [TruTV]
Masturbating Animals - Yes, there is a web site dedicated solely to masturbating animals. Somewhere, your family is disappointed in you. [Asylum]
The Greatest Break-Up Letter Ever - Gets even better with its' dramatic reading. Hilarious. [YTMND]
Zach Morris Smells Pot - Do you smell it? [Skull Swap]
Man Sues For Unsatisfying BJ - Obviously this was a terrible idea. Everyone knows the only way to get justice in the sex industry is a 4am unmarked desert grave. [True Crime Report]
Gorilla Walks Upright Like a Man - Cause all the bitches love a biped, creationists be damned. [Daily Intel]
Eagles Fans Most Depressed in NFL - Listen, I've only cut myself twice over Birds' games. I think I'm fine, thank you. [My Fox Philly]
A couple days ago, Keith Law released his organizational farm system rankings. As you may recall, our Phillies ranked 5th in the league. Now Keith Law has released his Top Prospects for 2011 and the Phils have managed to place 5 in the top 100:
Domonic Brown, OF (#3 overall)
Jon Singleton, 1B/OF (#27 overall)
Jarred Cosart, RHP (#34 overall)
Brody Colvin, RHP (#76 overall)
Trevor May, RHP (#93 overall)
It's a good time to be a Phillies fan and it looks like it'll continue to be for quite some time. I don't think I could sum this up better than our own Wetz did a couple days ago. Take it away Wednesday afternoon Wetz:
"Despite not spending the amount of money other teams do on prospects, and despite trading for every team's ace, the Phillies farm system is loaded. Yes, most of the talent is in Single A, but that means they should be ready by about 2013...right when we'll need them."
Don't freak out too much (pea)cock lovers - Comcast will still use the old logo when promoting the NBC broadcast network and cable news outlets.
And if you want to see something exceptionally funny, go to Kabletown.com and lose yourself in the fictitious site created by the brilliant minds behind 30 Rock.
posted by chris tags: comcast; business
AOL News - Canada is up in arms about breast-feeding and whether it's really OK to do it in public. And with the help of blogs and Facebook, angry moms are taking it to the streets -- or to the mall, in this case.
About a hundred mothers in Montreal staged a "nurse-in" protest at a downtown shopping complex last week, breast-feeding simultaneously before a curious crowd of reporters, mall security guards and passers-by. The event was retribution, they said, for a store that had thrown out a mother for breast-feeding earlier this month. This week, they began a petition drive to protect the rights of women to breast-feed in public in the Quebec province.
I'm torn here. Part of me feels for these broads. I'd much rather see a big 'ol floppy milk-titty than have to deal with some baby endlessly crying. But then again, why can't these women just breastfeed somewhere private? Lactating boobs are still nudity. Generally bad nudity. Have some dignity and do it in your car or something, right?
Like, I have to pee sometimes. And although I COULD just whip it out and go on the sidewalk, I'll pain myself to hold it til I get
NFL.com posted a video of Michael Vick's helmetcam during the NFC's Pro Bowl practice earlier this week. The video immediately reminds me of the old Sega ESPN Football 2k4 game. That's the first game I remember where you could play an entire game in first-person mode. In case you never played it, that game absolutely sucked. Looking at it now, the graphics just make my face hurt. So hard to believe these graphics were 'cutting-edge' at one time.
Anyway, word is that FOX may be busting out these HD helmet cams during the actual game to garner more interest. Will it make me watch the awfulness that is the Pro Bowl? Fuck no. But I'll watch a minute long video to check it out for novelty purposes.
[WithLeather via NFL.com]
With the news that Jeff Fisher has been relieved of his duties as head coach of the Titans, our own Andy Reid is now the longest tenured head coach in the NFL. Kind of hard to believe, right?
Now let me say that I'm not hating on Reid here, while I don't always agree with what he does I do recognize the success he has had. Outside of the Steelers, Patriots and Colts, nobody had won more regular season games over the past 12 years than the Eagles. I'm happy the Eagles are successful, and this past decade plus of Eagles football has been pretty awesome overall. But, you have to think this wakes Andy up, if only just a little bit. If Fisher, who has often been compared to Reid (very successful, but never winning the big one), can be fired...well god knows Andy could be fired too. So, yea, win a Super Bowl already.
Only, seriously. WIN A SUPER BOWL ALREADY. Thanks.
We all know the Japanese for their ability to do math well, inability to drive and happy endings. But balance? Who knew they had that in bunches. The fact that this guy doesn't fall down blows my mind. Taking into consideration he's probably had about three bottles of sake prior to this train ride, you can't be anything but impressed. Something something bukakke.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Guy Breaks Into Car and Leaves Note Behind - Here's the kicker - he was just letting the rightful owner know he left love stains in his backseat [RegretfulMorning]
Michael Jackson was at the Lakers game the other night - Prince Michael Jackson that is. Oh and George Lopez too if you're into that. [TMZ]
Horrible Choices in Tattoos Alert - This guy's back looks like some punk's denim jacket in the '80s [inlinethumb24]
The Best Limo Ever - Now get your meat hooks off me. [oHAYthur]
Man Lays on Tracks and Films Train Passing Over Him - Do it face up next time, ya pansy [Gizmodo]
68 photos of Olivia Munn - I don't really need to sell you on this, do I? [buzzfeed]
Jay Cutler is swagged to the maximum. Swagtastic. Swaggerifically strolling around LA shopping with some hot The Hills blonde with the gangsterist of limps. Is the limp from his sprained MCL or it is just the bop walk of a dude who doesn't give a fuck what ya'll think? His walk just screams "Hate on, haters. I'm a millionaire that can take awesome vacations across the country when my home city hates my guts."
Check out the video here on TMZ. And get that hate out ya heart, Chicago.
Yesterday, Playboy.com released the playmates' "Ultimate NFL Football Gear Gallery", which they originally showed in September to go along with their playoff predictions. While their guesses on how the NFL would shake out weren't too great (they apparently had the Steelers missing the playoffs), these shots of Playmate Jaime Edmondson in all 32 teams' gear were.
Now I just gotta figure out whether her underboob actually looks that good or if the scar from her breast enhancement surgery was just Photoshopped out.
Oh, and feel free to vote for which one you think is the best. The Giants are killing us right now.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Today, ESPN.com's Keith Law released his organizational farm system rankings for all 30 MLB teams (sorry, Insider access needed). Where did our Phillies rank, you ask? Fifth. Yes, you read that right, FIFTH. In all of MLB. Damn we are awesome.
If it's one thing we've heard from analysts, other team's fans and sports talk shows over the past year, it's that the Phillies, while very good right now, have damaged their long-term success by making all the trades they've made recently. We've heard, "hey, you may be good now, but you're gonna suck in 2013!" Well guess what folks...NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. Despite not spending the amount of money other teams do on prospects, and despite trading for every team's ace, the Phillies farm system is loaded. Yes, most of the talent is in Single A, but that means they should be ready by about 2013...right when we'll need them. Yep, our better is definitely better than their better.
h/t to PhuturePhillies.
I never knew a marginally-popular hood malt liquor company like St. Ides had this kind of marketing budget. Maybe it's because I was in elementary school when these videos were produced, but wow I don't remember them at all. Everybody is in these things. Like...everybody. Including Dr. Dre and Snoop (Doggy) Dogg as seen in this early 90's commercial. The Best Part? Most of the ads don't make any goddamn sense. Let's look at a quick breakdown of what happens in this one.
- Ripped dude on a fire escape pours an entire water cooler bottle on himself for some reason.
- Two hot girls drive by in a St. Ides-themed lowrider.
- She hits the switches and they starts ta bouncin.
- Uh oh, is that beer in her hydrolics? Looks like it.
- The car breaks the ground, then proceeds to bounce so high that it's vertical.
- Aaand now the car has broken the laws of physics and is levitating vertically and spinning, both women still inside.
- Holy shit now the car (and the girls) turn into a giant bottle of St. Ides.
- The bottle's top explodes off.
- A seemingly giant Dr. Dre grabs the car-and-girls-turned-malt liquor while Snoop (Doggy) Dogg confidently looks on.
- You become thirsty for a St. Ides.
Dave Spadaro managed to interview Eagles long snapper Jon Dorenbos for 10 minutes, 44 seconds on Monday. Topics included the CBA and impending labor strike, slick footballs, his magic shows, and what the Birds needs to do to improve for next year. Now, I like Jon. He seems like one of the smarter players and a genuinely interesting guy. But what the fuck are they doing interviewing the long snapper about magic and on "what went right and what went wrong for his team in 2010"? There is such thing as over saturation, Spadaro.
DS - So what went wrong this year?
JD - I dunno, I can't speak for the rest of the guys, but I had a lot of really tight spirals on some of my snaps. Other spirals were less tight. But, you know, its a learning process. I really want to concentrate on snapping the ball with a super tight spiral next season. I think that's my goal for 2011. Making lots of money and snapping balls really well.
posted by maurice tags: Eagles
This German guy did. Love how casually he whips out this pink plastic piece to start fucking with the cop. This guy's a legend for dildo-carrying drug addicts everywhere. AND I'm pretty sure he did all of this at a children's carnival.
There's probably some 8 year-old kid named Ferdinand with the illest ecstasy to ever hit the Berlin streets.
[Daily Mail Reporter] Researchers from Britain, the U.S. and New Zealand analyzed data from two large studies in which children completed a range of physical tests and interviews to assess genetic and environmental factors that can shape their lives. They found that children with low self-control were more likely to have health problems in later life including high blood pressure, being overweight, breathing problems and sexually transmitted infections. They were also more likely to be dependent on substances such as tobacco, alcohol and drugs, more likely to be single parents, have difficulty managing money and have criminal records.
On one hand, I hate studies like these. They usually just scream, "WE JUST WASTED A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY!" The article never actually says just how more likely it is for these kids to turn into assholes. But on the other hand, this scares the SHIT out of me. I don't have kids yet, and hearing something like this tends to freak me out. I don't want to be the guy with the wretched little shit of a child who grows up to be a chunky, diseased, screw-up who's just waiting around for me to die so he can inherit my future millions.
I'd really like to see what the parents of these kids look like. I'm willing to bet they're at least partially at fault for their children turning into jailbirds later in life. We've all been to the mall or supermarket. You always find the one screaming kid throwing themselves around and causing a scene. And all you need to do is look at the parent and realize why their kid is convulsing. They're a pathetic mess. And guess what, their kids will grow into equally worthless humans. That's my ultra-scientific take on this. And I didn't need to study for years or require a dump truck full of “research dollars”.
Herschel Walker is 48 years old and has been retired from the NFL for 13 years. Now he reportedly wants to attempt a comeback. He’s clearly kept himself in ridiculously good shape through MMA . The guy is ripped and is in incredible cardio condition. He even clocked a 4.38 time in the 40 last week.
As impressive as that all is, are his thoughts of a comeback ridiculous? Oh God yes, absolutely. But considering he could punch my face off or guillotine choke the life out me in milliseconds, I’d never say that shit to his face. Let’s just chalk this up to his “Dissociative Identity Disorder” and move along instead.
posted by chris tags: herschel walker; you so crazy;
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
[Our pals at The School Philly will contribute posts to TheWizWit from time to time. You can find this post and other good stuff over at TheSchoolPhilly.com]
A retard’s guide (or non-Philadelphian’s guide) on the correct way to order a cheese steak:
1. Say the name of the cheese you want
2. Say “with” or “without” (meaning with or without fried onions)
3. Example: A cheese steak with American cheese and fried onions= American with
Here are the top 8 cheese steaks in Philadelphia. Well actually, the world, for that matter.
[Keep reading for the complete list at The School Philly. Even though Jim's Steaks is #1 in my book, these guys have done their homework.]
posted by chris tags: The School Philly; cheesesteaks
How To Crack a Credit Card Number - Oh, we mean "validate a credit card with your mind" not steal people's shit. [loneiguana]
The State of the Internet - Lots of fun stats - how about the fact 89% of all E-mails sent in 2010 were SPAM [Focus]
Taco Bell Crime of the Week - $5M lawsuit claiming Taco Bell is using fake beef. Complete with a side of anti-dusting agent. [OCweekly]
How To Knit a 'Smitten' - Spoiler alert: It's a mitten sewn together so you and your equally despicable companion can hold hands and stay warm at the same time. Also, you should drown each other. [cocoknits]
Teen Stabs Man Over Stinky Feet - First a serial farter and now smelly feet? Insult stabbings are way up this month. [UPI]
Chaz Bono Had Breast Removal Surgery, Wants to Look Like Michael Chiklis - Okay, well when is Michael Chiklis' breast removal surgery then? [E! Online]
Philly.com - The Soul will hold an open tryout for players on Saturday at the NovaCare Complex in South Philadelphia. Registration begins at 7:30 a.m., with warmups at 9, and the tryout starting at 9:15. Registration on the day of the event is $80 cash or cashier's check. Pre-registration is $60 at www.philadelphiasoul.com. Participants are asked to bring appropriate workout gear and shoes. Testing will take place on field turf, so metal cleats or spikes are not permitted. A trainer will be on hand for emergencies only - not for player taping. Soul co-majority owner Ron Jaworski and co-owners Pete Ciarrocchi and Cosmo Denicola will attend.
Hope to see everyone there! I'll be the one at home relaxing while making sure I don't give Ron Jaworski $80 of my money. Although it should be noted that ya boy has got an arm like Papa John.
OkTrends - This post investigates female attractiveness, but without the usual photo analysis stuff. Instead, we look past a woman's picture, into the reaction she creates in the reptile mind of the human male. Among the remarkable things [we've shown]:
- that the more men as a group disagree about a woman's looks, the more they end up liking her
- guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute
- and, in fact, having some men think she's ugly actually works in woman's favor
In the end, they've discovered that if some guys think a girl is a 1 and others think she's a 10, she's going to get a lot more attention than a girl that everyone thinks is say...a 7. Even further, if two girls' looks scored the same (like the girls above), the one who produced the biggest variance is the one who got the most messages (the girl on the left). You know why? Cause some dudes like that shit.
It doesn't matter what that shit is. It could be that you're fat. Or that you're only 4'10". Or that you're orange. Some dudes wanna fuck Snooki! Whatever it is you got, there are men out there that will eff it.
Check out the rest of that site too if you wanna lose a few hours. Interesting stuff.
posted by maurice tags: boners
So the Delaware Valley is the worst in the country when it comes to arson, taxes, and abortion. Sure high taxes really sting my butthole, but I suppose things could be worse. At least we don't have to deal with a bunch of horse fuckers from Washington or are forced to look at a bunch of uglies from North Dakota. And is anyone surprised Alaska has the worst suicide rate?
U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!!
posted by chris tags: the worst; USA
I think you understand what's about to happen here. If I was in charge of that opening gate, I would keep pulling this shit every time until they fired me. Maurice, it's not funny anymore they would say. But I would just keep on doing it, over and over again like a stale-ass Family Guy joke.
You guys still feelin extreme?
Depressed Fan - Consider this. In the first 20 days of the season, the Sixers played five home games. One win over Indiana and four losses to Miami, Atlanta, Cleveland and Toronto. A 1-4 start at home with two losses to sub-.500 teams. Since that Toronto loss, the Sixers are 13-3 at the WFC. The three losses were a one-point game vs. the Celtics, a 12-point loss to the Lakers (which they led after three quarters), and a blip. The Pacers beat the Sixers in Iguodala's first game back from injury. Of the 13 wins, the Sixers have beaten Chicago, Utah, Portland and New Orleans. All playoff teams. They also beat nine sub-.500 teams, including MIL twice, CHA twice, LAC and PHO.
There is no better Sixers resource in the cyberwebs than Brian over at DepressedFan. Dude has all kinds of stats and shit that casual roundball fans won't even understand, so when he makes a point about something I tend to listen. His point this time? The Sixers will only finish above .500 if they can keep up this type of play on the homecourt. Could they contend with the Knicks for the #6 spot in the East? Maybe. But they're so shitty on the road that they probably won't.
Also, DepressedFan contends that Philly fans have an irrational hatred of Andre Iguodala. Even when he plays well. I dunno, I just don't get why people are so quick to criticize the guy. Oh wait.
When the Flyers take on the Canadiens tonight, the Wells Fargo Center will become the first Philadelphia venue to debut the world's fastest beer-dispensing system. Apparently the device helps beer vendors fill beer cups 9 times faster than the current method.
Such a friggin cool invention. It makes me mad I can't come up with ideas like this. Nothing sucks more than standing in line for a beer at a game. This "Bottom's Up" technology should help put a stop to that. After all, this is Amurrica - we wait for NOTHING! No word on if they'll charge more for this 'convenience', but I'm sure they'll be banking plenty of cash off just the novelty alone. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to line up like a sheep at least once.
Monday, January 24, 2011
While it's probable that the guy above had this gem of a jersey way before yesterday's game, it's certainly much more appropriate now after yesterday's events. Chicago, or at least a loud minority of Bears fans, hates Jay Cutler. A lot. Hell, they are burning his jersey EVERYWHERE. Do a quick search on Google and trust me, it's gone from bad to worse quickly.
As our own Chris pointed out earlier, I doubt that Cutler really quit on his team. Reports today have his MRI coming back with a Grade II tear in his MCL. Anything with "tear" seems like a pretty big deal. Plus, it's not like the Bears have a great o-line, Cutler probably would have gotten killed the rest of the game if he stayed in. If your QB can't stand or push off one of his legs, he's probably best suited on the bench.
But, hey, at least Eagles fans never burned McNabb jerseys! Right? Or did we? We did? Oh.
Check out TurdFergusonBlog for some more Cutler love.
No matter how incredibly gay the guy's laugh is in this video, or the fact that it appears to be a group of about seven 22-year-old dudes playing mini-golf with each other, this is a pretty cool shot. Gotta give props when props is due.
Apparently a news station in Kentucky had the Steelers beating the approximate 11 billion (figure, again, is approximate) Jewish folks that live in the New York metro area.
I'd make another joke about hoarding money, huge noses or pastrami , but I think WLKY has done enough already.
Jeff Passan: Spring Training Preview - Passan compares the Phils to the Miami Heat. Minus the egos, dickishness, and national hatred. [Yahoo]
Surfer rides 30 foot waves at Hawaii's most notorious reef break in the complete darkness of night. - This video totally reminds me of the last scene of Point Break. Johnny Utah is waiting on that beach to bring you down, brah. [The Grind TV Blog]
Flavor Flav To Open Iowa Chicken Place - This dude is the personification of coonery. [Yahoo]
The Chinese Play Us All for Fools - So the Chinese pianist who played during President Hu's trip to the White House played an anti-American propaganda song and their whole country is laughing at us. [Althouse]
Yes, Yes, Mike Tomlin Looks Like Omar Epps - Deal with it. [MediaTakeOut]
Speaking Of Deal With It - Oh, Gucci. Amberlamps, Amberlamps, 911, 911. [Gif Party]
Real-Life Peter Griffin - The green pants may be photoshopped, but this is still a winner. [The Whoa]
Best Video Game Induced Slap of All Time - And it happened to an infant. I love the delayed reaction of the child from "what the hell happened" to "I probly should start crying". [WSHH]
Whiskey in a Can - 12oz of whiskey in a can. The company says it's "the perfect size to be shared between 3 people." Goddamn I love this country. This is perfect for those get-drunk-fast situations i.e. football games, long train rides, in line for a club, marital strife, etc. [Gawker]
Thanks Matt Mosley; that was extremely helpful. I wasn't certain they'd go after a defensive coordinator, but luckily your crack reporting has quelled all our speculation. Sure, as far as I know, nobody actually likes you. But that doesn't stop you from getting answers to the tough questions. We all appreciate you taking the time to update ESPN's NFC East blog with this bombshell. I know you had to get cracking on that next Cowboys post.
Last Thursday, our very own Wetz went on a Google image spree and found a disgusting number of people with sports-related tattoos. This week I present: the best Philadelphia-related tats. By the way, there are a ridiculous amount of Liberty Bell tattoos that I refuse to post. Once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.
Many of the below were found on Philadelphia Weekly's blog. Enjoy.
Does This Look Like the Face of a Lawyer Getting Sued By Parents for Photoshopping Fake Kiddie Porn?
Threat Level - An Ohio lawyer who serves as an expert witness in child pornography cases might be on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars in civil damages for Photoshopping courtroom exhibits of children having sex. Attorney Dean Boland purchased innocent pictures of four juvenile girls from a Canadian stock-image website, and then digitally modified them to make it appear as if the children were engaged in sexual conduct. Boland was an expert witness for the defense in half-a-dozen child porn cases, and he made the mock-ups to punctuate his argument that child pornography laws are unconstitutionally overbroad because they could be applied to faked photos. Now, a federal appeals court decision (.pdf) is reinstating a civil lawsuit by the parents of two of the girls, potentially putting Boland on the hook for a minimum $300,000 plus legal costs.
"But it was for legal purposes!" Whatever, Creepy. Really, has there ever been a more amazing scam by a child porn enthusiast to legally perform his craft? I know, I'll go to law school, pass the bar, then I can dedicate my entire life to defending pedderasses all while photoshopping some kick-ass naked children pics! It's actually quite genius.
I just have this weird picture in my head of this dude alone at the public library late at night with glasses on, sweating as he so delicately edits some little boys' penis. "No, Dean...it's not good enough yet. You need better lighting effects..."
posted by maurice tags: das turrible
So basically, Jay Cutler is bitch. But that's not all Asante had to say. He took to his Twitter on multiple other occasions last night to let everyone knows what he thinks about Señor Cutler.
Hit the jump to see some more trash talk from "The President CB".
After that video ended, did some variation of "Oh Charles, how I love you" come out of your mouth? I mean really, is there anyone who isn't a Barkley fan? I don't think it's possible to listen to that without a smile creeping across your face.
Oh and in case you're wondering – Barkley’s Baconator and Large Fry is a total of 1500 calories and 87 grams of fat. Goddamn fast food.
posted by chris tags: charles barkley
Buzzfeed - A pair of insane Swedish twins in England react to a traffic stop by running, one after the other, into oncoming traffic. Then things start to get strange.
Best footage of somebody getting hit by a car ever. I have no idea how these two chicks survived.
Even crazier is the large-scale story of these two. The sisters, Ursula and Sabrina Eriksson, have also gone through episodes of jumping off of bridges into traffic and killing people for no reason. All because of "a rare induced delusional disorder which caused the pair to be temporarily insane." Wow.
CNN - Lion tacos. Lion tacos? According to the Arizona Daily Star, a Tucson eatery will be serving up the kingly dish for one of its weekly exotic taco nights. Past efforts have included python, elk, kangaroo and turtle, the paper reported. “I'm doing the African lion to get my name out,” he said. “I've never tried it myself, but this one really caught my eye.”Well, Mr. Mazon, judging from your Facebook page, it caught the eye of a few other folks. “What did you want? attention? congratulations, i know you. i also know who hitler, ted bundy, and michael vick are,” wrote poster Tricia Rider Kachymers.
Okay so I know this story has only the loosest of ties to Philadelphia sports, but Arizona has lion tacos now! Lion tacos! Arizona is off the hook: psycho mass murderers, Mexican drug cartels, DMX, mandatory DUI desert tent camps...it's just a crazy goddamn state.
Oh and Tricia Rider Kachymers (and all the Tricia Rider Kachymers of the world) -- grow the hell up. Taco shop owners and dogfighters aren't exactly in Hitler's league.
posted by maurice