Friday, April 8, 2011

Paul Holmgren is a made man.

Flyers GM Paul Holmgren is a serious character. His koopa-face was constructed from the leftover pieces of Mt. Rushmore. The man could kill a fetus with a sharp glance. He's been known to rip season ticket holders dicks off for not complimenting the smell of his farts.

I'm not saying he's ever really murdered anybody, but you don't finger the man's daughter in the back seat of his own car and get away with it.

On Wednesday he held a closed-door meeting with the floundering Flyers, as reported (fabricated?) by known wolf-crier and Flyer's beat writer Tim Panaccio.

Holmgren told them to get their heads out of their ass or they'll be found hanging on a hook in the butcher's freezer. He then face-fucked Danny Briere's pretty little mouth. (citation needed)

Still 1st in the Atlantic Division, the Flyers sit four points behind Washington in the Eastern Conference headed into their Friday matchup at Buffalo.


Ed Snider couldn't be reached for a photoshop because this blog isn't crazy enough to make jokes about Mr. Snider.

Mr. Snider.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sixers Will Make The Finals. Fact.

Trust me on this one, the ESPN NBA Playoff Predictor never lies. Sixers = Eastern Conference Champions. Especially when it only take 87 tries to make this happen. Like I've always said, 87th try is the charm.

PS - By the way, in this predictor the Grizzlies seem to beat the Lakers like 50% of the time. ESPN must know something we don't know.

PPS - Don't ask me what happens in the Finals simulation. There's a reason I'm not showing a picture of that.

PPPS - I highly recommend not wasting a half hour of your life doing this. Not exactly the most rewarding way to spend your time. Or. Is. It?

PPPPS - Cliff Lee.

So What Do We Have Here?

Ho hum. Just another 5-1 start to a season, nothing to see here. After worrying about the offense all off-season, the Phillies have now scored 5+ runs in every game (of course losing the only one in which they didn't). Halladay, Lee and Oswalt have looked good. Hamels and Blanton? Eh, not so much. Overall though, this is exactly the start the team needed.

Notoriously slow starter Ryan Howard has come out of the gates hot and almost every regular is hitting over .300 so far. Is it early? Absolutely. But this team has gotten off to some very shitty starts before, so starting like this helps everyone take a deep breath and relax. Sure, the Astros and the Mess aren't expected to sniff 80 wins this year, but April is unpredictable (as you can see with the Orioles and Royals both being in first place). To win games you're supposed, especially early, is a good sign. (Just look at the Red Sox.)

So now our Phightin's head off to Atlanta to face what is likely their biggest competition in the NL (yes, I really think the Braves are the second best team in the NL). While the Braves are off to an underwhelming 3-4 start, they're still a really, really tough matchup for us. The pitching duels:

Friday: Cliff Lee (1-0) v. Tim Hudson (1-0)

Saturday: Roy Oswalt (1-0) v. Brandon Beachy (1-0)

Sunday: Cole Hamels (0-1) v. Lowe (1-1)

Like most series they'll play this year, the Phillies go into every game with the pitching advantage (regardless of Cole's first game, he's better than Lowe). I. Love. It.

Here's to 161-1.

Cliff Lee.

Would You Sleep With Doctor Kong?

Looking to get laid AND a he's doctor? Well ladies, you better get in line next to all the douchebags asking for worthless autographs! This one is FAB-U-LOUSSS! Clearly I'm joking - NO ONE is sleeping with him. I just want to rip my ears off and shove them down his throat to end that God forsaken laugh once and for all. It sounds like the cackling of a hyena. Assuming that hyena was gay. If he somehow was lucky enough to meet a deaf girl, he'd still be shot down due to the fact he's awkward as fuck. I see he's going with the arms-shakily-crossed coolness vibe at the bar. Hope that works out for you buddy. I don't care how many barrels he's made his pixilated Italian friend skip over. This guy stinks.

h/t Kotaku

That Time Barry Bonds Killed OJ's Ex-Wife

Remember OJ Simpson? The guy who KILLED HIS EX-WIFE and got away with it?

Aw, how can we stay mad at that face?

OJ, as you may last recall, has been in prison for over 2 years now, serving a 33-year sentence (9 without parole) for a 2007 kidnapping/armed robbery in Vegas. (/sourced)

His legacy, though, is being a double-murderer who walked free of any criminal charges due his ability to blacken himself at will.

If OJ was an X-Man, he'd be "The Dimmer Switch."

Most notably, the OJ verdict took away white America's ability to use the N-word without it leading to a meeting with the Human Resources Department. Mid-90's America was outraged.

The face of mid-90's of outrage.

So, Whites have been laying in wait for years. Ready to over-react the next time a black tried to show its uppity face. Then it was time to get revenge, Liam Neeson style.

Particular set of skills? I might know a guy…

America found its new Kunta Kinte once Major League Baseball player Barry Bonds was indicted on 15 counts of what we all do every single day ... denying stuff that would get us in bigger trouble. Now facing only 4 of the original charges, Bonds could see up to 10 years in prison for each count. All for being a big ole' FIBBER!


On Wednesday, after presenting its case for a total of ONE MINUTE (not even a joke) Bonds' defense rested without calling a SINGLE WITNESS. Christ, even My Cousin Vinny called up Mona Lisa Vito. This type of McMahon-like confidence hasn't been seen in a human being since … well ...

"Eat shit, America."

So, Congrats Whites! If Bonds' comedic defense leads to jail-time, score 3/5's more for the plantation crowd!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Phillies Firepower Impresses Libyans.

President Obama sent the Phillies to Libya to deal with their Marshmallow Man problem.

Lack of run support was one of the biggest fears heading into the 2011 Phillies season. There was a fear Ryan Howard wouldn't get pitches to hit without Jayson Werth batting behind him; there were also concerns that Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino would not have bounce back years.

Over their three game sweep of the Houston Astros the Phillies scored 21 runs.

Howard's 1st HR of the season killed Gaddafi's dog.

The Phillies also proved that they still had the ability to orchestrate a come-from-behind victory, an important part of their skill set that made them back-to-back National League Champions.

John Mayberry also tore a hole in the roof of that Southwest flight.

This initial show of offensive production is a sign of good things to come, especially after adding their new hitting coach Winston Zeddemore.

Zeddemore, however, could not be reached for a comment.