Thursday, January 6, 2011

Marc-Andre Bourdon's Brains Get Shook

Marc-Andre Bourdon has had a crappy season to say the least. The former Flyers 3rd round pick and current Phantoms defenseman has been a healthy scratch, buried on the depth chart, and completely unimpressive. Now we can add 'knocked the fuck out' to the list.

Picking up right where his super 2010 ended, Bourdon began the new year with a bang. Sadly for him, it was the kind of bang that leaves you with Austin Collie arms.

Anyway, here's to a swift recovery... and becoming a less shitty player in the future.

h/t to Philabright

If Tastykake Folds, I'm Murdering Everyone

Ronnie Polaneczky: Kan Tastykake be saved? - YEARS FROM NOW, I will remember where I was when I heard yesterday's shocking news. I was sitting right here at the Daily News when I learned that Tastykake, financially teetering after a brutal fourth quarter, announced that it may have to merge with another company or - gasp! - sell itself. Merge this Philadelphia icon with some out-of-town pretender pushing snacks like Drakes or, Lord help us, Little Debbie?
Gag me with a cupcake.
Or sell it? Hell, as long as we're peddling our local treasures, why don't we put the Liberty Bell on Craigslist? Or see if Walmart wants to buy Reading Terminal Market?

What. The. Fuck.

In all seriousness, I'd rather lose William Penn, the Rocky statue, several relatives, and both Pat's and Gino's* than lose Tastykake. If Tastykake is purchased by that whore Little Debbie, you're going to see me on Fox29 with a rifle and a dozen hostages at 30th street station.

I remember visiting my cousins in Texas when I was younger and being forced to awkwardly stuff our luggage with Tastykakes like a goddamn Mexican drug cartel. And you know what? I completely understood.

Actual IM conversation with my non-Philly coworker "murdear":

Her: i am extremely disappointed i did not read about this on wiz wit first
Her: how the fuck are you going to pay cliff lee now????
Her: isnt that part of the package for all philly sports deals
Her: dollars = butterscotch krimpets?
Her: i am almost certain its local currency
Me: ive actually been a prostitute in the tastykake snack trade
Me: 10 jelly krimpets can get you an HJ

Please, everyone, buy a Tastykake today.  I don't want to have to walk the streets for Drake's Coffee Cakes.

h/t TheAwl via

*Not Jim's, though.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

2011 NFL Opponents Announced, NFC East Automatically Gets Four Wins

The NFL has released the home and away opponents for the 2011 regular season. As most of you know, each team plays their six division games, a division within their own conference, and a division in the opposing conference on a rotating basis. Next year the Eagles and the rest of the NFC East are bestowed the gift of the NFC West. So at absolute worst, we're going 4-12.

Of course the NFC East also draws the AFC East next year meaning the Patriots and Jets are coming to Philly. Hey, at least we get the Bills.

At first lazy glance, I'm predicting 11-5 with losses to Dallas, NY Giants, Chicago, New England and Miami. Too early for a prediction, you say? Of course. But you know you did the same thing when you saw the graphic above. Hypocrite.

You Can Put a Cat in the Oven, But That Don't Make it a Biscuit

Sure the headline to this post doesn’t make sense. But I’ll shoehorn a White Men Can’t Jump reference if I want, doggonit!

Seriously though, this kid has moves for days. I bet if I fell asleep and even dreamed of having these moves, in my own mind I still couldn't go left.  I'm insanely jealous yet extremely happy for my white basketball-playing brethren here. For every 100 stereotypical, white jump shooters like myself, there's one guy with Jason Williams-like moves.  You know, in that special period when he was flashy and cool and didn't suck.

h/t TheHoopDoctors

Today is Officially 'Call a State Trooper an Asshole Day'

%&*#! No more tickets for swearing in Pa. - Firing off a few curse words can't be charged as a crime anymore in the U.S. state of Pennsylvania — at least when state police are involved. State police have agreed to stop citing the public for cursing as part of a settlement Tuesday of a federal free-speech lawsuit.
The American Civil Liberties Union represents Pennsylvanians who have been ticketed for cursing at an overflowing toilet, a swerving motorcyclist and a parking ticket issuer. The citations can lead to hundreds of dollars in fines and legal costs, not to mention the occasional jail stint.

Shiiiiiiit, $300 for cursing? Don't think our founding fathers had this in mind when they created the Constitution. Plus I'm pretty sure Ben Franklin called that smug prick Washington an asshole more than once.

Still, the act of vomiting on the daughters of a police officer at a sporting event remains illegal. Give us us free!

The Worst Game Preview Video in the Internets

Seriously, what the hell was the purpose of making this video? You are aware that there are TV channels with analysis and experts that break down every little detail of each game, right? This is the video equivalent of spraypainting a 10 on a Hanes V-neck and calling it a DeSean Jackson jersey.

I thought 13 year-olds were supposed to be good with technology. How you fooled me and 300+ other people into watching this is beyond me. Kill yourself.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The NFL Playoffs Needs The Berney Dance

Decent: The Berney Dance (White People Love It!) - This joint has the potential to be bigger than Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” movement, but only time will tell on that one (it may take a while).
“Movin’ Like Berney” is killing the game right now as white people around the country have been forced to finally embrace that urban swag, with a dance that they can not only do…but do better than black people.

Sure, Ryan Matthews did a wack-ass version of the worldwide dance craze occasionally-referenced internet dance two weeks ago, but fuck him cause he's part of the disaster that was my fantasy team.  I want to see some real Berney out of someone this wildcard weekend.  DeSean -- you're the obvious choice.  The Dougie is more dead than your dead motha.   Berney your dick off all over Green Bay's hopes and dreams.  Plus it'll confuse the shit outta their cheesewhale fanbase.

Footage of people Movin like Berney* after the jump.

h/t JerseyChaser

The Video of a Hawk Eating a Pigeon on Top of a Car on Market Street You've Been Waiting For

Gotta love some real-life animal kingdom shit going on right in the middle of the city.

What I don't get is why there is such a double standard for how we humans react to animal slaughter. If this hawk had torn the head off, say, a squirrel -- every female passer-by would be disgusted and feel pity for the furry guy. But because it's a headless pigeon, it's funny.

And does a large bird tearing apart and eating a smaller bird count as cannibalism? I, a 6'6" black man, couldn't just walk down Market Street and rip the head off a smallish Asian man and devour his carcass on a Chrysler Sebring. When the hawk does it it's "cool" and "viral". When I do it it's "murderous" and "wrong".

Double standards.

h/t Philebrity

Monday, January 3, 2011

Coffee's a Dollar and People are Furious

Wawa Coffee -- It Ain't Free, But It's Cheap - Wawa is awesome. Why? Well, because for the entire month of January, you can grab any size, any flavor of their coffee for $1. Yup, just a dollar, no matter what size or flavor you fancy. Enjoy!

This is amazing.

How and why could any anyone click "Furious" or "Sad"?  Are you a Wawa stockholder?  Do you have a Mormon-like hatred for hot drinks?  The fuck is wrong with you?  I clicked "Thrilled." Why? Because French Vanilla cappuccino is motherfucking delicious and is worth me losing my toes to diabetes.

Side note: the milkshake machine is also amazing and completely underutilized. I never see anyone but myself using this thing. Don't you see what we've accomplished? Taking a frozen cylinder, putting it into a machine, and getting a delicious milkshake in mere seconds. That's some Jetson's shit! If the milkshakes were a dollar I'd lose my whole foot by MLK day because of that 57 grams of sugar thing.

Proof: Sports Writing is Crazy Easy


Marty Mornhinweg Definitely Probably Going to Coach Browns

With Eric Mangini officially out as Browns head coach, there are several reports that the Eagles Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach/Slashie award-winner may be a top replacement candidate. That's if Jon Gruden doesn't want the job (he doesn't) and if former Eagles GM and current Browns GM Tom Heckert wants him (he does). It's a match made in shitty franchise heaven!


Mike Holmgren: Marty, I'm really happy that you are here and I want to thank you for all of your hard work in the off-season. It wasn't easy prying Kevin Kolb away from the Eagles for only 3 first-rounders. Plus I know things got a little crazy after the whole Sheldon Brown suicide attempt fiasco. Great leaders are tested in tough times, Marty. A fabulous example you're setting for these young men.

Marty Mornhinweg: Thanks, Mike.

MH: But I have to question some of your tactics during this weeks game. I know it's only week 1, but what was up with those 3 consecutive Peyton Hillis wildcat plays?

MM: Those -7 yards are worth keeping the defense on its toes, Mike.

MH: ...Right. And that Chris Gocong bubble screen?

MM: Kolb and Chris have great chemistry. Wanna get the ball in the hands of our playmakers.

MH: ...Right. I just hope Tom and I didn't Make a mistake bringing you here to be a Head Coach. You're a great football mind but I don't want you to get in over your head like things did when you in Detroit--

MM: Nonono, I've got everything under control. And don't worry about that whole LeBron James jersey giveaway disaster -- I'm sure a lot of those kids will see again. I've got a great feeling things will pick up after I make this deal with Marcus Vick's agent...

MH: You're fired.


Garbage Pile - 1 Suicide Attempt - 0

Some New Yorkers took the Giants' playoffslessness a little too hard. Vangelis (Angelo) Kapatos of Midtown Manhattan jumped from his apartment expecting to meet his maker, and met week-old Chinese, rotten Totinos Pizza Rolls, and apathetic paramedics instead. According to the NY Daily News:
"The young man...[was] troubled by a threat of eviction from the rent-regulated apartment."
The rent is too damned high.

h/t DoobyBrain via NY Daily News

Leonard Weaver Is My Favorite Person

There is no doubt that Leonard Weaver is the coolest fullback ever. EVER. I mean, the guy laughed out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud at my joke. Couldn't ask for more.

I really hope Uncle Rawle appreciates this.

Tim Cowlishaw's Impeccable Description of Last Night's Game

Couldn't summarize Sunday's game any better. The JV Eagles aka the Chad Hall Show aka DeMarcus Ware's Prison Bitch lost by a point to the Stephen McGee-led Cowboys, 14-13. In other news: nobody gives a shit. The regular season is dead and the Birds need to figure out a way to keep Concussion Time from ruining their playoffs.

[Pulls inflated Butterscotch Krimpet Tastykake bag from microwave]