We've all been there Jayson, hard up for some attention, and desperate for love. But, in your case the fat girl beej came in the form of a $126 million contract with the Nationals.
Jayson Werth will have his chance to prove he's not still embarrassed about his situation when the Phillies head to Washington Tuesday night.
In the first game Werth will face his former chubby chasing-wing man Joe Blanton.
Halladay and Lee come Wednesday and Thursday, but probably not in the mouth of a great big fat person.
Lady -- there aren't enough Usher songs in the world that can save this video from the fact that you look like a floppy-tittied man in a ridiculous Phillies bikini. I kept waiting for you to unzip your back and for Martin Lawrence to pop out or something. Just...weird.
We're also the sixth dumbest, third fattest, and third rudest! Keep drinking, not working out, not reading, and not dressing well and I think we can go for #1 across the board.
Ronnie Polaneczky: Kan Tastykake be saved? - YEARS FROM NOW, I will remember where I was when I heard yesterday's shocking news. I was sitting right here at the Daily News when I learned that Tastykake, financially teetering after a brutal fourth quarter, announced that it may have to merge with another company or - gasp! - sell itself. Merge this Philadelphia icon with some out-of-town pretender pushing snacks like Drakes or, Lord help us, Little Debbie?
Gag me with a cupcake.
Or sell it? Hell, as long as we're peddling our local treasures, why don't we put the Liberty Bell on Craigslist? Or see if Walmart wants to buy Reading Terminal Market?
What. The. Fuck.
In all seriousness, I'd rather lose William Penn, the Rocky statue, several relatives, and both Pat's and Gino's* than lose Tastykake. If Tastykake is purchased by that whore Little Debbie, you're going to see me on Fox29 with a rifle and a dozen hostages at 30th street station.
I remember visiting my cousins in Texas when I was younger and being forced to awkwardly stuff our luggage with Tastykakes like a goddamn Mexican drug cartel. And you know what? I completely understood.
Actual IM conversation with my non-Philly coworker "murdear":
Her: i am extremely disappointed i did not read about this on wiz wit first
Her: how the fuck are you going to pay cliff lee now????
Her: isnt that part of the package for all philly sports deals
Her: dollars = butterscotch krimpets?
Her: i am almost certain its local currency
Me: ive actually been a prostitute in the tastykake snack trade
Me: 10 jelly krimpets can get you an HJ
Please, everyone, buy a Tastykake today. I don't want to have to walk the streets for Drake's Coffee Cakes.
The NFL is Rigged - The spread was +3 for the Colts. The Colts were down 9 points late in the fourth quarter. Something needed to change.
Fast forward to 4th and 18. Last chance for the defending AFC champs. Trent Cole bursts off the line, and although Peyton Manning does a solid job of keeping cool in a closing pocket, the self-proclaimed Quarterback Hunter gets to the 4-time MVP and takes him down. Sack. Game blouses.
Oh wait, no, it isn't. Why? BECAUSE THE NFL IS RIGGED.
I can deal with the call in the first half on the Austin Collie hit. I can deal with the terrible defensive interference on Dimitri Patterson. There was a blurry line for each of those and it can be understood why the refs would call them how they did. But the 4th and 18 call was all-too blatant. In that fraction of time when the yellow hankie went flying in Trent Cole's direction for ACCIDENTLY TOUCHING THE BACK OF PEYTON MANNING'S HELMET, the 4th wall for me was dropped and I saw the awful truth. The NFL is rigged folks. It just is.
Fuck it, we won. Unless you bet the Eagles...cause then you lost.
What else did we learn? Vince Vaughn Was There, Why Challenge?, Booing While Freeze-handed Motionless Guy is on Field Should Replace Snowball Santa, Oh No, Nate!, CBS: NFC = WCW, Michael Vick's Arm is Stupid, Andy Reid was a Giant Child, and Countdown to Showdown.
Maybe this is a real thing people do. Maybe it was fabricated by some Williamsburg-to-Philly transplant. Either way, I want one. A Jim's cheesesteak (my favorite) wrapped in a Lorenzo's slice: The Philly Taco.
Check out the full story to see if homeboy here (who is apparently married to his chunky cardigan and Bieber hair) can finish the challenge.
"I was a teammate of Donovan McNabb's in Philadelphia. One of the things that drove them crazy in Philadelphia was the lack of tempo at which he practiced.... It was always something where you're leaving the quarterback meeting and it would be, 'Hey, listen, the head man wants a little more tempo today.' Nearly every single day. That's been the deal with Donovan McNabb. I know exactly what Mike Shanahan is talking about."
Ooo, Timmy's talkin shit. YA BURNT, Donovan! I guess you'll just have to go back to being the multi-millionaire starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins while Hasselbeck hides the black eye he got from his wife under a pair of dark sunglasses.
Oh, and after the jump there's a picture of McNabb wearing a du-rag getting stretched out by a thick white lady. Enjoy!
Yes, that's a pic of John Madden asking for one of everything on the menu. I'm sure you're not surprised.
I love Goodell's face in this pic. You can practically read his thoughts through his expression. "Maybe if I just hit this mammoth idiot with a blunt object I can shut him off. But then how will I kill myself? God, what the fuck am I doing at a TAKE OUT Chili's in bumblefuck Pennsylvania with John Madden?? I'M AN IMPORTANT MAN!"
The infamous BlueStarShockTrooper went and responded to our little blog post! How bout that - who would've guessed this Husky McTittyballs would've had the time in between Hot Pockets and Cool Ranch Doritos to fire off another video?
Typically, I'm not one for back and forth banter, but since we're gentlemen, I suppose we do owe him the courtesy of a response. So Mr. ShockTrooper - switch to your favorite pair of stunner knockoff Oakley's, release the fistful of Chunky wrappers from the grasp of your sausage link fingers, and let’s get this over with.
When we last left this zilch, he was wandering aimlessly through the streets of his neighborhood yelling into a Handicam about how bad the Philadelphia Eagles will be. Lo, he was not hit by traffic. However, the good news is that he seems to have gotten larger since the last time we saw him (is there a baby BlueStarShockTrooper on the way??).
While he appears to be of an indeterminate age, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he grew up in the 90's. I've come to learn that Cowboys fans of that generation harp on decades of "storied history" or immediately blurt, "how many Super Bowls have you guys won?" as their go-to basis of an argument. I'm going to take a wild guess that some of his other favorites include the Bulls, Yankees, Red Wings, Miami Hurricanes, 90's Tiger Woods, Pete Sampras, and The Harlem Globetrotters. I know it may be hard to accept change for someone whose computer looks like something Doogie Howser typed his diary into (see: background of video), but the front-running thing is tired and old. You really could do much better by trying to justify the team that's actually playing on the field in present day. Keep the Delorean in the garage, Chins.
At least in this video he took the time to learn that the ‘l’ in Kolb is silent. So I give him his due props there. But I have to stop him when he claims that his points are backed up ‘facts’. Jon Kitna is better than Kolb because he’s older and can function under pressure? Are ya sure about that? You do know that Jon Kitna threw 42 interceptions in his last 2 full seasons as a starter in the NFL, right?
And let’s dispel the whole “Kitna has a higher QB rating than Kolb” thing. Let’s put aside the fact that you even bringing this up is retarded since there’s such a small sample size to work with. Kevin Kolb has only started two games in his career. His ratings in those games were 73.2 and 120.6 respectively. Kitna’s ratings after his first two career starts were 72.2 and 91.6. So by your logic, Kolb will actually be superior.
In summation, Emmitt Smith cannot read beyond a 3rd grade level, Michael Irvin stabs people in the neck with scissors, and it took the Cowboys over a decade to get a playoff win. But hey, at least your breasts look nice and busty in that jersey!
Like all Cowboys fans, I’m sure you want the last word as much as you want the last french fry. You’ll probably fire up the old webcam and bash Philly some more, and have at it. Everybody needs a hobby.
Oh, and don’t forget - your coach is still Wade Phillips. So you’re fucked.
ALSO, this whole ordeal has opened us up to the phenomenon of Trash Talk Circle(s), which apparently are (popular?) communities of people on various sports sites and YouTube who just yell at one another about the greatness of their favorite team while disparaging everyone else. One user, RipperEagle96, sent us a an example video (which we will not post but I'm sure you can easily find) a couple of days back. This whole Trash Talk Circle thing is scary, sad, and new to me, and thus will require more research and hatorade on the part of TheWizWit. We'll let you know what we find. Stay tuned.
Duce was at Lehigh today to check out his former team, do some interviews with CSN, and make everyone regret the fast food they had for lunch.
Chunker or not, Duce is rightfully a big fan favorite in this town. I'd love to leave you with some Duce highlights circa Pickle Juice game of '00. However, amazingly enough, no highlights seem to exist on the Internet from Duce's playing days. Seriously, I couldn't find any. If you're disappointed, theres this one from college.
So if you forgot what Duce looked liked before he packed it on, here you go.
And here's one of Grimace. Obviously for no related reason whatsover.
Who is this striking, sleepy man? Why does he look so much like Andy Reid? Why is he wearing Andy's famed 2001-2003 style NFC Pro Bowl 4XL Hawaiian shirt? There are so many questions I have for our flabby faux coach.
Does he like to run the ball? Are his children clear-headed model citizens? Did a woman actually allow him to put his penis inside her long enough to create children? WHAT A MYSTERIOUS WORLD THIS IS!
We've all been there Jayson, hard up for some attention, and desperate for love. But, in your case the fat girl beej came in the form of a $126 million contract with the Nationals.
