Thursday, January 6, 2011

If Tastykake Folds, I'm Murdering Everyone

Ronnie Polaneczky: Kan Tastykake be saved? - YEARS FROM NOW, I will remember where I was when I heard yesterday's shocking news. I was sitting right here at the Daily News when I learned that Tastykake, financially teetering after a brutal fourth quarter, announced that it may have to merge with another company or - gasp! - sell itself. Merge this Philadelphia icon with some out-of-town pretender pushing snacks like Drakes or, Lord help us, Little Debbie?
Gag me with a cupcake.
Or sell it? Hell, as long as we're peddling our local treasures, why don't we put the Liberty Bell on Craigslist? Or see if Walmart wants to buy Reading Terminal Market?

What. The. Fuck.

In all seriousness, I'd rather lose William Penn, the Rocky statue, several relatives, and both Pat's and Gino's* than lose Tastykake. If Tastykake is purchased by that whore Little Debbie, you're going to see me on Fox29 with a rifle and a dozen hostages at 30th street station.

I remember visiting my cousins in Texas when I was younger and being forced to awkwardly stuff our luggage with Tastykakes like a goddamn Mexican drug cartel. And you know what? I completely understood.

Actual IM conversation with my non-Philly coworker "murdear":

Her: i am extremely disappointed i did not read about this on wiz wit first
Her: how the fuck are you going to pay cliff lee now????
Her: isnt that part of the package for all philly sports deals
Her: dollars = butterscotch krimpets?
Her: i am almost certain its local currency
Me: ive actually been a prostitute in the tastykake snack trade
Me: 10 jelly krimpets can get you an HJ

Please, everyone, buy a Tastykake today.  I don't want to have to walk the streets for Drake's Coffee Cakes.

h/t TheAwl via

*Not Jim's, though.


  1. Seriously. I can't live without my Tastykakes. They're finally being sold in my area of NY--I'm a Philly native, and I was waiting for Tastykakes to show up here in *shudder* Mets territory for a while now. If I can't keep getting my Krimpets, I'm going to become a very cranky girl.

  2. Other Philadelphia things I'd be willing to lose instead of Tastykake: Old City (everything but Buffalo Billiards), all bridges (who needs 'em, we'll swim), UPenn (only pricks go there anyway), Andre Iguodala (obvi), Camden (figure this is the best way to get rid of Camden), Betsy Ross house (seriously, what have you done for me lately?), "Water Only A Buck!" guy and Kevin Kolb. Get it done Philadelphia.

  3. I survived 8th grade on a strict diet of Tasty Claire's and Snapple. This is bullshit. We don't eff wit little debbies round here. Remember when that lady went to Acme and asked Mike Wus where the little debbies were...his response, "Babies?...We don't sell babies here." And he's right... we don't sell babies here.

  4. They put TASTY in the name for a reason. Straight to the point. Off subject, but why don't people give out TASTYKAKES on Halloween? C'mon hoarder lady on the corner that always gave me wax paper candy. I'm just sayin'

  5. Bwaahahahaaha. That mike wus story is a classic, and I forgot all about it, thanks for reminding me.

  6. I think the flyers are part to blame here. another phour boxes of tastykakes tonight. can't be good business. Kirbee the Krimpet is in the stands crying with every goal.

  7. Chocolate Junior. Nuff said.

  8. Where is "Gino's"? I would totally trade Geno's to keep Tastykake around.

  9. Murder them at Penn Station, not 30th st.