Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 14 NFL Spread Picks

It's amazing how many ridiculous shark related pictures one can find by performing a simple Google Image search.  It's quite fascinating.  I'm not totally sure what's going on in this photo, but it appears this gentleman is part of some sort of parade.  Granted, a shitty parade with only 15 people in attendance, but a parade nonetheless.  The real question is what this guy is celebrating?  I'm at a loss.  There aren't many clues besides Bicycle Shark Man, 'The Stock Man', and an '85 Sheepdog fast approaching.  He's got the Mardi Gras beads, so maybe this guy is entranced by some ladies big jugs.  At least that would explain why he's not able to straight in line with the rest of the parade.

Another week, another winning record.  Last weekend the Shark went 9-7, bringing the yearly total to 103-83-6.  Now let's make you some extra Christmas cash, shall we?

Have Too Much Disposable Income This Holiday Season?

FOX Sports is actually selling this Philadelphia Eagles “Cleatus Robot“ action figure. Now, if you’re anything like me, you DESPISE this robot with a passion for which words cannot express. I’m quite sure there isn’t one person in my circle of friends who finds this robot fun or amusing. With each passing year, I find myself growing more and more irritated. Why a robot?? And why must you force me to watch him doing knee bends, or the electric slide, or tussling with the Burger King???

Anyway, this annoying staple of the FOX NFL broadcast can be had for the low, low price of $30. Sure, you COULD provide 210 meals for hungry American families, but just look at this piece of high quality PVC plastic, complete with fully articulating joints!

Not only is this a horrific gift idea, but it’s grossly overpriced. So that got us thinking – what other terrible/stupid/overpriced NFL items are awaiting your hard earned gift-giving dollars?

Skeet In A Boat With Roy Halladay

If there’s something Roy Halladay loves more than baseball, it’s bass fishing. The photo above was taken during a recent fishing trip Halladay enjoyed with former Bassmaster Classic Champion, Skeet Reese. Like a six-year-old whose excitement won’t allow him to sleep on Christmas Eve, you just know our favorite little man got up extra early to get a jump on those fish. And because he is Roy Halladay, extra early probably meant getting there three days in advance while robotically working on his casting.

The trip was actually set up by the Phillies as a gift to Doc to commemorate his perfect game back in May. It’s a pretty cool thing to see a team taking care of its' players, going above and beyond to recognize their achievements, and seemingly doing it without a ton of fanfare.

Here’s a polite, gentlemanly golf clap to the Phils organization.

You can read the full escapade over at ESPN.

Philly Sports WikiLeaks: Andy Reid

TheWizWit has numerous private emails from many of Philadelphia sports' biggest names.
We will leak them as we please.


Mr. Lurie,

First of all, sir, I'd just like to wish you a merry...happy...Hanukkah oil candle ceremony. I understand this is an important and meaningful time for your people and while I'm not certain American Jesus completely approves of this much dradling, I hope you and your lovely, lovely wife are enjoying the holiday season. Christmas season. Santa Claus. Cookies. Ham. Big glazed ham. Where was I?

Oh, DeSean's contract. You know how you were saying that you don't want to pay him what he's worth because it's bad business? Well, I've figured out how we can keep him underpaid. Two words: FLY ROUTES.

Just keep sending him on fly routes and let Jeremy and Jason rack up the stats. I understand that the ridiculous stipulation in his contract that says we have to throw him the ball on the first play of every game was my idea, but trust me this time -- the other receivers will gobble up all the receptions. You see, JL, it's about numbers. You love numbers! If DeSean finishes with a lower NUMBER of catches and touchdowns than, say, Hakeem Nicks, we get to pay him less than Hakeem Nicks! It's a revolutionary idea! Sure, we'll have to deal with Drew Rosensaus' stupid smelly face all summer, but you and Howie speak his language, right? This is brilliant. I think I just transformed Free Agency, Mr. Lurie. I'm a genuis. Smartypants. Smarties. Candy. Mandy. Moore. Smores. Smores....

Huh?  Where was...OH! So you remember how DeSean got after the Bears loss, when he called me "Brodie" and the F word and threw his W'd hand all in my face? Yeah, I don't think...uh...he's going to run all of these fly patterns quietly. We're going to have to be very careful, here. There is no way ANYBODY can find out that we're purposefully altering our gameplan to make sure DeSean Jackson's stats are mediocre to give us an upper hand in contract negotiations next year. That would be incredibly bad.

Now, since we both know that I'm so busy that I don't even have the time to edit my emails, I'll leave you with this:

[I passed gas]



L'Chaim,


Andy

Do You Guys Miss Me Yet?

NOPE. We're doin' just fine.

h/t to BleedingGreenNation for this (possbily photoshopped) pic.

Jeff Francoeur Is A Douche, Please Don't Sign Him

As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Phillies have interest in Jeff Francoeur. Rubes Jr. really wants a platoon partner for Domonic Brown, somebody who can not only hit lefties but provides some good outfield defense. It would appear, on the surface, that Francoeur can do both as he hits lefties (.299 career avg.) and has a strong arm in right field.

The problem is, Jeff Francoeur is a total douche. Besides the fact that he just looks like a guy I would hate, he also seems to carry some perpetual upside that never becomes reality. Plus he was a Met, which pretty much makes him toxic. And he was obviously the reason the Rangers lost the World Series. Oh, and in case you need any more reasons to hope the Phillies don't sign this guy, here is a gem of a quote from 2005:

“If on-base percentage is so important, then why don’t they put it up on the scoreboard?”

Ugh. Last time I checked they do, pal.

This Phillies team if full of good, fun, cool players. Let's not ruin that with Frenchy, ok Rubes?

Don't let me down.

Maybe Bryce Harper Was Onto Something

It was reported this afternoon that Jayson Werth has signed a 7 year, 126 million dollar contract with the Washington Nationals. Sure, most people will look at that contract and say "Wow, guess Werth doesn't care about winning," "He only cares about the money," or the ever popular "He sold out." But, as sports fans in the modern age of 24 hour-sports news cycles and athlete tweets, is it not time we stopped being surprised by these signings and just moved past the hate? Can you logically blame a guy for turning down a dump truck full of cash? It would be tough for you to turn down an offer of 250k a year to clean the shitty stalls of a run-down gas station, no? Well, Werth chose the high-pay shit work -- and more power to him.

Anyway, back in October, future Nationals superstar and all-around THIS Bryce Harper was quoted as saying:

I think in the next couple years we will be the Yankees of the NL East. I have been telling everyone that. We are going to roll. We are going to win some World Series'.

Then we all laughed and commended him on his exceptional sense of humor. But maybe The Chosen One is onto something. Maybe the Nats will make fools of all of us. Maybe they’ll sign Cliff Lee next week. Maybe all those high draft picks will blossom at the same time and propel them to championships. Or maybe this was simply a colossal waste of money. Time will tell I guess.

The bad news about this deal for the Phillies? Since the Phils offered Werth arbitration, they would receive the first round pick of the team that signed him. The Nationals hold the rights to the 6th overall pick - and unfortunately for the Phillies, that pick is protected. Instead, we'll have to settle for Nats' second round pick plus a compensatory pick.

All in all, no one really thought Werth was staying, so none of us should be too surprised.  Let it go and look forward to 2011, Phillies fans.