Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 17 NFL Spread Picks

Well we've made it to the final week of the regular season.  The Shark won more than he lost, so we're all winners.  Now let's just hope there isn't a lockout next year.  That would make the Shark angry.  You wouldn't like him when he's angry. 

In reality, there'll probably be a couple more weeks of games next year once the NFL gets their way and forces an 18 game schedule.  You just know Vegas is working up a nice stiffy at the thought of taking even more of the public's money.  But don't you worry, your friendly neighborhood Shark will be back to guide you through it.

Without further ado, we go to the shark tank one more time in 2010.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 16 NFL Spread Picks

We’ve made it to Week 16. It’s just a few days before Christmas and your Fantasy Championship Game. If you’re like me, you failed in every league but one. For my sake, I better win. My fantasy basketball team may be the worst squad ever assembled, and baseball is a long ways off.

All in all, these picks have been pretty successful all year. Hopefully you’ve followed along and made some extra Christmas money. If you didn’t… well then you’re a dickhole and I hope you enjoy whoring yourself out for some extra scratch to give your kids a good Christmas. Wrapping handfuls of Skittles and a bar of soap isn’t gonna cut it, my friend.

For those of you who spent all of our winnings on Christmas gifts – let’s try and win some of it back, shall we?

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 15 NFL Spread Picks - NAZI EDITION!!!

This was a busy week for the Shark.  Between a long week at a job that actually pays me real dollars, waiting till the last minute to do Christmas shopping, and my well document laziness, you're getting an ultra abridged version of DDBY.  I'll try to do better for you next week and not wait till an hour before kickoff to do this post. No promises.  I'm also a documented liar.

Alright, no time to waste - on to the picks!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 14 NFL Spread Picks

It's amazing how many ridiculous shark related pictures one can find by performing a simple Google Image search.  It's quite fascinating.  I'm not totally sure what's going on in this photo, but it appears this gentleman is part of some sort of parade.  Granted, a shitty parade with only 15 people in attendance, but a parade nonetheless.  The real question is what this guy is celebrating?  I'm at a loss.  There aren't many clues besides Bicycle Shark Man, 'The Stock Man', and an '85 Sheepdog fast approaching.  He's got the Mardi Gras beads, so maybe this guy is entranced by some ladies big jugs.  At least that would explain why he's not able to straight in line with the rest of the parade.

Another week, another winning record.  Last weekend the Shark went 9-7, bringing the yearly total to 103-83-6.  Now let's make you some extra Christmas cash, shall we?

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 13 NFL Spread Picks

What you see above is The Discovery Channel's transformation of their headquarters during Shark Week a few months ago. Shark Week is a joyous and important time for us lamniformes. It's our Hanukkah. We share stories, give gifts, watch Adam Sandler movies, and do all those other things Jewish people do. Anyway, I need find a way to procure a position within that building. Only then will I have an employer who fully understands a shark's need to blog from work.

So last week The Shark had another winning week by going 9-7. That brings the yearly total to 94-76-6. There's only 5 more weeks left in the regular season. If you're not following these picks by now, you're an asshole.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 12 NFL Spread Picks

There's no fictional animal in the world scarier than flying sharks. No jackalopes. No centaurs. No warecows. Nothing. You're scared of us, humans, which is totally irrational since only ONE of you die from our attacks per year. And that's only because were nice and you guys taste bad. But if we could fly...oh boy. We'd be a whole lot scarier to you jerks than an STD or some dude on your flight wearing a turban. Anyway, check out the immeasurable awesomeness of this picture. It has many of the basic components of the absolutely ridiculous: sharks, explosions, chaos, sky diving, and highly skilled government agents. It's like a Jason Statham movie captured in one single picture.

Alright, so last week the Shark put together another winning campaign with a 9-7 effort. That brings us to 85-69-6 on the year. Without further ado, hit the jump for your Week 12 picks. Due to the Holiday and my immense amount of laziness, you're not getting commentary about each game. We've done this grouping format in the past, so you'll have to deal with it for a week. Enjoy your week off from me shitting on the Bengals, Jaguars and Chiefs.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 11 NFL Spread Picks

Feast your beady lil eyes on the handiwork of Jocelyn Carrington.  You may remember her from such previous TheWizWit masterpieces as: Black Roy Halladay and Ice Gold Samuel Dalembert .  She was kind enough to whip us up an official portrait of The Shark himself.  Before yall flood the ole inbox with requests, we're in the early stages of mass-producing those buttons.  Like tens of thousands worth.  You can wear them to work, school, the supermarket, during sexy-time, dinner...literally anytime.  If Max Jean Gilles can sling mousepads for $21 a pop, you'll buy buttons from us right?  Right???

The Shark managed to recover from a disastrous Week 9 and turn in a positive performance of 8-6 for last week.  That brings the yearly total to 76-62-6 with seven weeks to go.

Strap in and pull out your rent money; this is where we pay for your loved ones' Christmas gifts.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 10 NFL Spread Picks

Oh my.  How have I not heard of this before?  A wonderfully done piece of cinema such as this should've certainly set off my Shark senses.  I just don't even know where to begin.  I suppose you should first take notice to who's landed the starring role in this film - Yes, that's the same Jaleel White who is better known to you as Steve Urkel.  Or Stefan Urkel.  Sadly, there is no trailer for the movie yet, but IMDB tells me it is to be released next month.  What's that?  Oh, yes this is indeed A SEQUEL.  Mega Shark won his battle against Giant Octopus in the first movie.  That film starred the Renegade himself, Lorenzo Lamas.  If you want to be entertained for 1 minute and 6 seconds, please watch that trailer here.  If Reginald VelJohnson makes a cameo in this latest installment, my head might asplode.

Alright, so Vegas took a poop in the Shark's cereal last week.  He had his worst outing of the year going 4-8-1.  Das just turrible.  We now stand at a season record of 68-56-6.  Not to worry - the Shark will rebound like the great Reggie Evans and you'll be able to forget all about last week's poor showing.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 9 NFL Spread Picks

This pic has made its way around the interwebs, but it just makes me wonder if that guy's arm was really taken off in a shark attack incident. God, how I hope there's an incredibly embarrassing story he's trying to cover up with that tat. Perhaps a lawnmower accident? Maybe an angry elevator door?  Or possibly a harrowing ordeal involving a chain-link fence and a llama?  Whatever it was, it's infinitely more likely that it was the roof girder accident when he was 7 than the deadly harpoon fight he had with a South African great white.

We're just about at the halfway point of the season. The Shark's record against the spread stands at 64-48-5 and the Cowboys are fast approaching 1-15. All is right in the world.

Onto the picks!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 8 NFL Spread Picks

Welcome to the Halloween edition of DDBY! If you think the above costume is cool or funny, please go and toss yourself off a building. That costume is atrociously stereotypical and should not be forced on the eyes of anyone. Why are there so many awful costumes every year? If you're going to dress up and take part in the festivities, have some originality! Don't be like fake Cole Hamels here.

As a young lad, I was Rambo for Halloween once. It was quite badass if I do say so myself. If I had a picture, I'd attach it. I was like 7 shark years old, and had a way better costume that all those other kids swimming around as pirates and vampires. Ah, memories...

Last week we went 7-7 bringing us to 58-41-5 on the year. Not a fantastic showing, but the Shark has yet to finish any week below .500.  Hit the jump for this week's winners. 

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 7 NFL Spread Picks

The Shark has showed you the Seabreacher used in all of his underwater escapades.  Now I just need to get one of these for the cruises above land.  How badass would it be to see those wheels on the highway?  Or driving over some medium-sized hilly plains?  Or racing against Danny Zuko for pinks?  The possibilities are endless.  I shall purchase one and call him "Marv".  And Marv and I will go to Burning Man and get laid like it's the goddamn apocalypse.

Last week we went 7-5-2 against the spread, bringing us to 51-34-5 on the year.  Do you realize if you bet $100 on every game with the Shark, you'd be up $1650?  Cause you would be.  Not bad for 6 weeks worth of work.  I know your mother can pick up that scratch over the course of a weekend, but at least we don't have creepy men in smelly t-shirts with Scotchy breath groping us all night.

Alright, time for the Main Event.  Let's get it.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 6 NFL Spread Picks

You guys remember this Universal Studios attraction? Pretty badass if I do say so myself.  Look at the face of Gilligan there -- that's quality acting friends.  I just wish that movie (and practically EVERY movie) didn't portray us Sharks as such dicks.  That's SPECIEST, humans!

So last week we went an incredibly average 7-7 bring our yearly total to 44-29-3.  While we warned you Week 5 was going to be a tough one, the Shark strives for excellence.  We'll keep things rolling for Week 6 and try to add a few more games to the win column.

To the shark tank!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 5 NFL Spread Picks

You may have not known this, but the Shark is also a huge baseball fan.  There's some completely unfounded rumors swirling this hat was made with yours truly in mind.  Some say this cap is an abomination, others think it's kinda fresh.  Understand: there's a very fine line between cool and corny.  Not everyone has the ability to see this line, and many have cloudy judgment between the two.  Let's just say I probably wouldn't wear it, but I bet Donovan McNabb would rock the shit out of this hat.

Anywho, we went 11-3(!) last week against the spread, making us 37-22-3 overall.  I can't wait till Al Pacino seeks out my genius, whisks me away, and gives me an extravagant penthouse to live in where all I do is "pick winners and lift weights". 

Enough commentary. Hit the jump to get to this week's selections.  I'm going to warn you now - this is one of the tougher weeks so far this season. 

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 4 NFL Spread Picks

My cousin e-mailed me this picture of him catchin' some air at SealHunt 2010.  Trust me: dude is not to be flexed with.

Anyway, I hope you fools followed along last week.  The Shark managed another solid outing and continued to stuff money in your pockets.  In case you haven't noticed yet, underdogs are covering at quite a nice rate so far this season.  One thing I've always said is that, when in doubt, just take the points.

Let me hit you with some numbers.  Last week we went 10-6 against the spread, bringing our season total to 26-19-3.  If you don't know, they're pretty impressive for just your regular dude picking games.  Let's compare that record to a couple other places who offer weekly spread picks.  Bill Simmons has a renowned NFL spread picks column as well as fellow sports blog site, The Big Lead (which you should be checking out if you don't already).  Simmons is sitting at 25-20-3 on the year and TBL is trying to get above water at 21-23-3.  Once again I say, TheWizWit is the shit.

Sigh... You're so money and you don't even know it. Onto the picks!

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 3 NFL Spread Picks

The Shark had a dream the other night. Some of the details are foggy, but I remember Xena the Warrior Princess was there and she was riding me. She was riding me and I was made of SOLID SILVER.  It was awesome - I was as smooth as Dave Chappelle's balls. Things were going tremendously until I found myself smack-dab in the midst of a sneak-attack nightmare. Xena began turning into Troy Polamalu from the Head and Shoulders commercial, and I think a seagull pooped right in my eye. They say getting pooped on is good luck, but I say that's GULLSHIT. Good thing I woke up before things got too horrifying.

The lesson I learned from this dream: finish up my standard mascot picture so I won't have to make up terrible dream sequences. We can't have this weekly feature... jumping the shark. Hi-yo! Sigh... I hate myself.

Alright enough nonsense. The Shark went 9-6-1 last week. That’s a record of 16-13-3 for the year. Winning record equals money in your pockets. We wouldn't steer you wrong. So without further ado, your Week 3 picks coming right up after the jump.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 2 NFL Spread Picks

Well we still don't have the new mascot picture ready.  You just can't rush beauty people.  Anyway, this is a picture the Seabreacher X.  A shark-like, completely submersive watervessle.  I shall purchase one of these some day.  Mark my words. 

Alright, so last week we went 7-7-2, not bad considering we're picking every damn game for you people.  We aim to improve on that record this week.  It does seem like a tough card, but you'll see a trend in the Shark's picks - he's likes a lot of the home teams.  Home teams won 12 out 16 games this past weekend and we're betting the trend continues. 

So strap in, and get ready to dive into these picks.  Papa needs a new Seabreacher!

The Return of Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 1

The Shark has returned! That’s right folks, your favorite sports betting mascot has arrived right on schedule and, as always, has provided you with a full slate of picks. Please excuse the banner as we’re in the process of giving the Shark a bit of makeover. He’ll be staring back at you in pristine business-casual attire in no time.

For some of our newer readers, this feature was insanely successful last season. Winners were picked at professional handicapper levels. Go back in the archives and see for yourself if you don’t believe me. I'll wait....

Not bad, right?

I’m going to caution everyone once – the Shark, while supremely in tune with handicapping, is still just some dude. Don’t come crying when you blow your paycheck -- we sharks don't feel sympathy. Instead, try and dig yourself out of that hole by going BIG on the Monday nighter you pansy. As always, TheWizWit will accept all donations should you win a lot of “points” one weekend. And “points” I mean “dollars”. And by “dollars” I mean “doll hairs”. But YOU know what I really mean.

Week 1 is one of the hardest weeks to pick games since even Vegas doesn’t have a read on which teams will be good and which will suck. Don’t get frustrated if you get off to a rough start. We’ve got a long season ahead of us.

Let’s do the damn thang.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Super Bowl Edition

We've finally made it. The Super Bowl has arrived. I have not real rooting interest for either team, I'm just hoping the game is close for all four quarters.

But you don't really care about my sentiments. You're here for insight. This is your last chance to make some money this football season... or help dig your way out of the massive hole you put yourself in.

Go big or go home. To the Shark tank, one last time...

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall - Championship Game Spread Picks

The Championship Games have arrived.  Who will represent their respective conferences in Super Bowl 44?  Well it's really anyone's best guess.  Would you be surprised if either the Vikings or Jets upset the favorites today?  Would you be equally un-surprised if the Saints and Colts just blew them the fuck out?

The answer is no.  So should you stay away and not bet today?  Since you'd be disappointed if I said 'yes', let's see what the Shark has dialed up for you today. 

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall - Divisional Round Playoff Spread Picks

We’ve reached the most exciting round of the NFL playoffs – the divisional round. Year in and out, this round has offered the most exciting, compelling, and most competitive games of the playoffs. Looking at the matchups, this should week should be no different.

The Shark’s picks went 3-1 last weekend, so lets just get right to it and let the magic happen.