Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 16 NFL Spread Picks

We’ve made it to Week 16. It’s just a few days before Christmas and your Fantasy Championship Game. If you’re like me, you failed in every league but one. For my sake, I better win. My fantasy basketball team may be the worst squad ever assembled, and baseball is a long ways off.

All in all, these picks have been pretty successful all year. Hopefully you’ve followed along and made some extra Christmas money. If you didn’t… well then you’re a dickhole and I hope you enjoy whoring yourself out for some extra scratch to give your kids a good Christmas. Wrapping handfuls of Skittles and a bar of soap isn’t gonna cut it, my friend.

For those of you who spent all of our winnings on Christmas gifts – let’s try and win some of it back, shall we?

STEELERS (-14) over Panthers
The Panthers have been butt all year and Jimmy Clausen sucks. I can’t see them traveling on a short week, with absolutely nothing to play for, and putting up a fight. Hopefully I’m wrong, because I need Jonathan Stewart to go bananas in this game – my fantasy championship depends on it.

CARDINALS (+7) over Cowboys
Too many points for the Cowboys to lay here. John Skelton has been surprisingly mediocre. Granted, he’s completing less than 50% of his passes, but his receivers have dropped a ton of balls the last two weeks. More importantly, though, he only has one turnover this year. He’s playing smart football and now gets one of the worst pass defenses in the league.

Lions (+3.5) over DOLPHINS
Here are things I know: Miami sucks at home, they have a terrible record as a favorite of more than 3, and the Lions have made it their job to be pesky and hang around in games.

Redskins (+7) over JAGUARS
The Jaguars never seem to blow teams out. Their team just isn’t built that way. Seven points is a lot to give (even if it is the Redskins). I have a sneaking feeling the Skins will match up well against Jacksonville, and be in this game till the end.

49ers (+2) over RAMS
This will be a pretty close game. The 49ers have played a little better over the course of the last few weeks, while the Rams haven’t shown me much. Take the points and the team that’s had a few extra days to rest and prepare.

BILLS (+9) over Patriots
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little scared going against the Pats here. The Bills haven’t beat the New England since Chingy was tearin’ up the charts with that lyrical masterpiece, ‘Right Thurr’. Seriously, it was 2003 the last time the Bills got a win in this series. But I’m thinking the Patriots might not give it their all in this game. It might as well be another preseason game for them. They’ve all but locked everything up for the playoffs. The Bills will certainly lose, but maybe a 30-23 backdoor cover is in order.

BEARS (-1) over Jets
Rex Ryan loves feet, National Geographic nipples, and watching his wife get plowed. He’s no less loveable in my book, but this is a pretty big distraction for the Jets. That big lug’s love of tootsies might’ve just sunk the Jets season. I wouldn’t bet on this game though - ESPN has an article titled, “Jay Cutler Won’t Avoid Darrell Revis”. Lots of opportunity for epic Jay Cutler picks!

Ravens (-3.5) over BROWNS
I’m pretty sure the Browns have given up this year, so Baltimore should continue their winning ways in the series. To beat the Browns, all you really have to do is stop Peyton Hillis. If they do that, the Ravens will win by 10.

Titans (+5) over CHIEFS
I shouldn’t even give an analysis on this game. We all know I’m getting it wrong. For some reason, I’m God awful at picking Chiefs games against the spread. Let’s more right along to the next matchup.

Colts (-3) over RAIDERS
This is probably a sucker bet, but you have to take Peyton Manning when he’s only giving 3. I mean it’s the Raiders. In what world does Pey-Pey not shit all over Al Davis’ corpse? Not the world we live in.

Texans (-2.5) over BRONCOS
Both of these teams suck. Don’t waste your time betting this game. If I had to choose, I’d go with the team that has more talent. It’s just a matter if they’ll actually care enough to use it.

Chargers (-8.5) over BENGALS
What an utter disappointment this Bengals team is. They’ve been forced to deal with a ton of injuries and a ton of bad coaching. This team is in shambles and is ready to clean-house. The Chargers should win in blowout fashion.

BUCCANEERS (-6) over Seahawks
I like the Bucs quite a bit here at home against Seattle. Do I have any statistical evidence to back that sentiment up? No. But trust me, I have a good feeling.

Giants (+3) over PACKERS
I really like the Giants to rebound this week and come out of Green Bay with a win. It was heartbreaking and humiliating to lose the way they did against the Eagles. Some teams would crumble and their season would essentially be over. I don’t get that feeling with the Giants. New York is a good team and had been playing very well. A loss like last week should bring the team together where each guy is giving 100% this week. Plus, the Giants lead the league in knocking out starting quarterbacks. Don’t think they won’t be gunning for Aaron Rodgers oft-shattered dome-piece.

EAGLES (-14) over Vikings
Fourteen points is a lot, but the Vikings are pushovers. The Viking locker room is mess. Adrian Peterson is hurting. The defense is a shell of what we’d become accustomed to seeing over the last few years. It’s a sad day when the question of starting Brett Favre or Joe Webb won’t even matter in the outcome of a game.

Saints (+3) over FALCONS
Look, I know Matt Ryan doesn’t lose at home and I know the Falcons are on a roll right now. I just think New Orleans wins this outright. The Saints have kind of flown under the radar lately and are a team I wouldn’t want to face come playoff time. This is a divisional game where both of these teams know each other very well. I think the Saints might finally be healthy enough to take on the Falcons and let everyone know they’re still the champs.

Happy Holidays!

The Shark


  1. Chiefs fan says, "Somebody buckled your Osh Kosh B'gosh overalls too tight." Chiefs by a bakers dozen.

  2. Pssh, I dunno what you're talkin' about. I pick Chiefs games with the same accuracy Steve Bono completed passes...