Wocka Wocka, Who Wants To Hear A Funny Ass Joke?

Welcome to Friday, friends.  Aren't you glad you came by this morning?

Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but this shit is funny to me.  If I walked into a bar bathroom at 2AM drunk off my ass, I'm not sure if I'd just laugh hysterically, be completely upset, or just petrified that one scene from The Shining was about to go down.  You know which one I'm talking about. Uncoached gets all the credit for unearthing this gem.  There's so many questions here that I'd rather not speculate any further. 

[check out Uncoached for other assorted goodness]

Who Needs Piledrivers and Body Slams, I Just Wanna Dance!

Can you imagine a heated Legion of Doom and Natural Disasters tag team match in the early 90's suddenly breaking out into the ridiculous dance-apalooza we see above? Of course not, but thinking about it now, don't you really wish that had happened? Don't you?

Yes...yes you do.

Hypnotize.

At Least His Career in Porn Will Be More Successful

Well that was inappropriate. I have no idea if this wisenheimer ended up getting fired, but I'm going to assume he probably did. I just knew this was heading toward full on train wreck when he did the mini-squat. Dude went as far as to turn to the camera and give a comedic pause. I suppose you gotta respect that. I can only hope Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz makes a sexually explicit “thundersnow“ reference someday.

[Cosby Sweaters]

Shane Victorino Quoted Saying Something We Already Know

Boom. Victorino's quote isn't much of a stretch considering everyone who watches baseball is going with Philly vs Boston. And while it's a pretty harmless offseason quote, it makes me even giddier for the season to start. Or maybe it's just that beady-eyed lemur. I’m not sure which.

[quote via HardballTalk]

Fat Lady in (Possibly Homemade) Phillies Lingerie

Oh God...I think I just became a Mets fan.

Lady -- there aren't enough Usher songs in the world that can save this video from the fact that you look like a floppy-tittied man in a ridiculous Phillies bikini. I kept waiting for you to unzip your back and for Martin Lawrence to pop out or something. Just...weird.




h/t to CrossingBroad and their Twitter @CrossingBroad

Some Mexican Offensive Line Dude New Eagles DC

I shouldn't say "some." It's Juan Castillo folks. Fat Andy chooses what's behind door #3, Jeff Lurie saves a couple bucks, and the Eagles promote in-house again and move the 13-year vet offensive line coach to DC. On the surface this makes no sense. Dig a little deeper and it makes less sense. Go a even deeper. You feel that? It makes sense.

1. The guys they really wanted didn't want to take the job. Whoever it was -- they didn't get him. If the Eagles want to sell me that they were gonna hire Castillo for DC all along that's fine. I just don't have to buy it.

2. Andy Reid sees some of himself in Juan Castillo. Not in a gay way though.  At least twice The Big Oxycontin mentioned that he himself was given a shot at head coach without ever being a coordinator. There's no doubt that Andy felt he got the shot to be a head coach through hard work, and the guy recognizes that Castillo has been a stellar coach and hard worker for a long time now.

3. Nobody knows the team better than Juan. Thirteen years with the eagles. The dude coached under Ray Rhodes. Look at this shit:

Who the fuck is Jerry Crafts? Castillo has been here for forever.

4. He comes cheap. At least cheaper than some of the alternatives.

5. They didn't get guy they really wanted.  Seriously, they couldn't have.  

The downside here is, of course, the fear that Juan Castillo just doesn't know shit about defense and that he falls flat on his face. Very probable.  But apparently the guy is one of those extremely hard-working, come-into-work-at-3AM types who has been asked to consult with Jim Johnson and other coaches on defensive matters. I mean he's Mexican so of course he works hard (don't get mad that's actually a great stereotype to have, Mexicans). I dunno...dude just seemed inarticulate and Andy was answering for him in the press conference. I worry that he's one of those loud rah-rah types who don't quite get the X's & O's and ends up losing the players cause he doesn't know what he's talkin about.  See: Singletary, Mike. I don't wanna see Asante looking at this motherfucker like "that whole plan doesn't make any sense."

I dunno.  He's been here long as hell and has an epic story to tell.  Maybe it'll inspire people.  Maybe they'll be terrible.  Do work, Juan.

The Quintessential DeSean Jackson Punt Return Video

To whoever eaglesphillyfootball is, outstanding work. This video does an amazing job of building up the entire dramatic comeback, the return and then fan reactions - all in one nice and neat package.

Honestly, I have no idea how this video has only 538 views, apparently people haven't been searching YouTube for 'desean jackson punt return from the stands' nearly as much as I have. Again, just the depth of sports (and life) exploration that TWW goes through every single day...just for you. Enjoy.

(Best moment is at the 4:50 mark, during the fan reactions. Hilarious.)

Let's Laugh At The Rest Of The Country

Holy shit, what the hell happened here?? That car is on its’ face. How fun would it be to dropkick the hood and watch it fall over? Anybody with me? You know, assuming that was possible and you wouldn’t end up under it somehow.

For once, the Philadelphia area got off easy - no new mountains of snow to wake up to this morning. After getting pounded like your mother for the last couple years, it was nice to wake up to rain instead of white-out conditions. Considering Philly's luck with weather lately, it's kind of hard to believe that a storm as large as the one that's terrorizing the rest of the country missed us. Chicago schools are closed today for the first time in 12 years and people in Salem, New Hampshire are getting their vehicles stuck upright in snow banks. But Philly? We get to sit back, grin quietly, and taunt. And it's about fuckin time.

[pic Via]

Groundhog Day is Bullshit: The More You Know

Yahoo News - The world's most famous groundhog predicted an early spring Wednesday, but wasn't willing to go out on a limb to forecast whether the nearby Pittsburgh Steelers will win Sunday's Super Bowl. Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn on Groundhog Day to make his 125th annual weather forecast in front of a smaller-than-usual crowd who braved muddy, icy conditions to hear his handlers reveal that he had not seen his shadow. In reality, Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is actually decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.

Whoa whoa whoa...what was that? What was that sentence that you literally buried seven paragraphs deep into the story? The GROUNDHOG doesn't predict the events on GROUNDHOG DAY??

I feel like my entire perception of this holiday has been a lie. Fuck feeling -- my entire perception of this holiday has been, in fact, a bold-faced lie. Fuck you, western Pennsylvania. There is no amount of Sonny & Cher or creepy Bill Murray's seduction of Andie MacDowell that can make this day okay again. Everything else in my life is run by councils of rich decision-making men (the government, the products I purchase, the company I work for), now I gotta live with the fact that the groundhog doesn't even predict the outcome of Groundhog day? Jesus.

Go Packers.

DeSean's TD, According to Tecmo Bowl

First off, yes, this was done in the SNES version, not the original NES version that we all know, love and prefer. However, it is pretty bad ass, and sync's up pretty nicely to the audio. Of course, that audio is Joe Buck...but I guess you can't win them all.

Anyway, here are some other moments in NFL history according to Tecmo Bowl. Enjoy.

The Catch

Jrue = Hot, Turner = Not

7.4, 40%. 4.5, 2.0. I think we are all aware this season hasn't gone as well as it could have for Evan Turner. A player that was touted as the most "NBA ready" in the draft has done very little to impress besides the occasional flash. If you wrote the perfect story for how a rookie year should go, and then scrapped that story and wrote the opposite...you'd have the story of Turner's season.

Well, today, it got a little worse for our #2 muppet pick. The NBA released the rosters for the 2011 Rookie Challenge, and Mr. Turner wasn't on it. Seriously, he hasn't even been one of the best NINE ROOKIES. Sure, if you told me someone like John Wall or DeMarcus Cousins would have a better year than Turner I wouldn't have been surprised. But Greg Monroe? Landry Fields? Gary Neal? UGH. Evan Turner, how bout you stop sucking. LIKE. RIGHT. NOW.

On a good note, Jrue Holiday made the sophomore team. I have a feeling that it's only a matter of time before he's playing in the real game...so at least we've got that going for us, which is nice.

[NBA.com]

Come For The Hookers, Leave With The Mets

Fred and Jeff Wilpon announced they are seeking to sell up to 25% of the New York Mets to gain some financial flexibility.  That'll happen when you're tangled in a lawsuit resulting from the Bernie Madoff investment scam.  Giving Oliver Perez a $36 million dollar contract a couple years ago doesn't hurt either.

Click pic to enlarge, click here for the full Craigslist ad.

[Credit goes to the fine folks at TedWilliamsHead.com]

Whoa Wait, Kelly Bundy is Almost 40??

Bitten and Bound - Christina Applegate and fiance Martyn LeNoble welcomed a baby girl on January 27, 2011. The actress and her musician partner named their daughter Sadie Grace LeNoble. A spokesperson for the family said: “Mother and daughter are doing great.” Christina and Martyn have been dating for three years and became engaged last Valentine’s Day. She is fast approaching a milestone birthday. She will be ‘Fabulous 40′ in November.

Wow, Married With Children was a long-ass time ago I guess. Everybody loved Kelly Bundy. She invented the Kelly Bundy dress, was dumb as rocks, hot a fuck, and slept with like 50 dudes with hairmetal cuts and early 90's jean jackets. Bitch was a certified rock star. Now she's almost 40 and about to marry some man-boobed version of Neil Patrick Harris? C'mon, Kelly!

I know Christina Applegate has gone through a lot since her Fox TV days. She's had to overcome breast cancer and finding a way of not telling mom the baby sitter was dead, amongst other things.  I guess I'm happy that she's doing okay now, just a little weirded out that she's almost 40 years old.

Click below for some classic Kelly Bundy shots and a Funny or Die clip of a pregnant Christina workin shit out on a pole.  I know you're into that sort of thing.

What the F*ck is the Internet?

And here is a video of Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel trying to figure out what the internet is. What's greater: Gumbel's indifference to a medium that would soon revolutionize the way the earth does EVERYTHING, or Katie Couric's giant wave Jonathan Taylor Thomas haircut?

Gotta go with the JTT cut. There are low-income lesbians who won't even fuck with that look.

MMM HMMM.


h/t dlisted

The Sixers Would Like You To Sit On Deez Nuts

By TWW friend Eric

76ers Community Assist is a program where players, coaches, season ticket holders, and businesses donate tickets for youth groups to attend games. The Sixers get to fill up some empty seats, the kids get to see a free game, and absolutely nothing funny happens...until they decided to create names for the groups based on the player that donates the tickets. For instance, there is Mo-Reese's Pieces for Marreese Speights, Jrue's Dream Team for Jrue Holiday, and LouWillVille for Lou Williams. Every player has one...even Darius Songalia. The name for his group? You guessed it: D's Nut House. Section 211 of the Wells Fargo Center has a 20-foot banner that says "D'S NUT HOUSE". The jokes write themselves really.

"Come on down to D's Nut House. You haven't had nuts until you've had D's Nuts."

[please excuse my shitty camera quality]

Yep, I'm Rooting For The Steelers

There is so much awful going on in this video, I don't even know what to say. Just reason #7,046,543 I'm glad I don't live in Wisconsin.

[KissingSuzyKolber]

Wizards Fan Dunk Is Bad Ass

Ok, I admit the whole setup is terribly fake. The 'on a date and holding a cell phone' thing just isn't plausible. It would have been better just having this guy act normal like the rest, then throw down a massive dunk and have the crowd go nuts. Yea, they'd figure out it was fake eventually, but that first moment of surprise would have been worth it. However, the dunk is so bad ass that I'm pretty sure "Eddie" ended up getting his that night regardless of if he was on a real date or not.

[NESN.com]