Friday, July 30, 2010

Twitter Role Models: Drunk Marreese Speights Edition

Mr. Speights would like his fans to know that he got laid last night.  Personally, I've never been drunk to the point of "ass fuck", but I guess it depends on who you're with. 

Ladies, if you can't bang Marreese Speights for more than 30 minutes, don't get drunk "ass fuck" with him, please.

*As you might've guessed, this tweet has since been deleted. 

UPDATE! - the tweet is actually just some lyrics from the song Takin It There by Young Jeezy.  We apologize.  TheWizWit is disappointed as both fans of Jeezy and as fans of athletes using Twitter to describe sexual encounters.  Carry on.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Big Ol’ Bowl of Win

It wasn’t that long ago boys and girls that our swashbuckling GM, Rubes Jr., traded an ace away for a few middling prospects. Well, just when I think he couldn’t possibly be any dumber, he goes and does something like this…AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!!!

We all beat up GM’s from time to time whether it’s for signing players to bad contracts, trading away prospects we love for crappy rental players or for not making trades we really think they should make. If a move doesn’t pay off, we chastise them for it. If it does work, well, we focus on the players who made it happen. For the most part, it’s a rather thank-less job. But, I really have to hand it to Ruben here, he pulled off quite the coup in the Oswalt deal. It’s enough of a coup actually, that I almost, but not quite, will consider forgiving him for the Cliff Lee Fiasco of 2010.

But, alas, this isn't about Cliff Lee (actually everything is always about Cliff Lee, but I digress). It's about a pitcher named Roy and a dream. A dream to win another World Series and fleece Ed Wade in the process. Did the Phillies realize this dream today? Let's find out.

She F*cking Hates Meeeeee!!!

Is this dude the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles or the guy who put up drywall in your office last week while listening to Puddle of Mudd? You decide.

Courtesy of Todd Herremans' (surprisingly entertaining) Twitter page.

I Have a Stiffy For Domonic Brown (Pause)

I was lucky enough to be in attendance of last night's Domonic Brown debut. The above video was taken to document the first career at-bat of the future Hall of Famer. I couldn't have been any more excited going into this game - I've been waiting for this call up for quite some time. When I received a text from a friend letting me know the call up was official, I creamed a little. Just a little.  Seriously though, the guy is going to be really good for a long time. You’ve heard of 5-tool players before? Brown has 7. He has tools people didn’t even know existed.

I realize the video is a little far away (we taped this from our season seat's in right field on cell phone), but it's more about the crowd's reaction than anything else. Dom Brown was fully welcomed by this fan base last night and it provided the stadium with a little more electricity than usual. The shakiness of the camera is actually due to the minor earthquake caused by the rocketing of Brown's double.

I'll be visiting Modell's in the coming days to purchase my Dom Brown merchandise. I suggest you do the same.

UPDATE! I've included a clip of what I believe should be Dom Brown's intro music. Shout out to Das Racist, who you may know from their Combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell jam.

Your Cross-dressing Roy Oswalt Update

It's being reported everywhere that Oswalt is a waived no-trade clause away from being a Phillie. It's certain that JA Happ will be sent to Houston to die a death brought on by lack of run support. Nobody knows anything about how the money will work in the deal, or what prospects are involved.

In case you're wondering, (to our knowledge) Roy Oswalt isn't really a cross-dresser. That pic is from his rookie year in what I'm guessing was some type of hazing. So there's really no update there, just a picture that wasn't Oswalt in mid-throwing motion.

TheWizWit will give you a full analysis later if this thing actually happens. Remember when Cliff Lee was a Yankee a couple weeks ago? Yeah, anything can fall through.

[pic via Alyson's Footnotes - MLB Blog Network: Houston Astros]

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Internet Football Stalking

As nerdy as it is, watching videos on the Philadelphia Eagles website shows you a hell of a lot more than reading words on a page from some dude (i.e. me).

I tell myself that I watch these videos because I run a Philly sports blog and need to be as informed as possible, but that's not the truth. The truth is...I just love this crap. While Dave Spadaro is a goofy cornball who loves the Eagles so much that he probably owns bird porn, the dude is harmless. Plus the mixed guy (Chris McPherson) seems on top of his game and the sarcastic little one's name is BO WULF so he's cool by me.

Also, if you're someone who plays fantasy football it behooves you to know what the shit you're talking about. Should you draft C.J. Spiller or Dez Bryant? Watching bullshit like camp footage or player bios is the only way to find out.  This junk is genius!

Patrick Crayton (COLON)...Underdog! The story of a man who will be paid $2.5 million this year to work LESS, but has to overcome the devastation of being married to a woman named Najiyyah.

Where was I? Oh yeah, below is a clip of the afternoon practice on training camp day 1. Unfortunately, it only features rookies and selected veterans selected dudes named Kevin Kolb and Mike Vick.

My observations:
Kolb's arm looks better than advertised | Vick is inaccurate | Bradley Riley Cooper catches everything | Cornelius Ingram appears to have working legs.

What do you see? (Very loud and auto-playing) video after the jump.

Victorino Hurt...Dom Brown Time?? [UPDATE: IT'S OFFICIAL]

Last night, the Phillies beat the Diamondbacks 9-5 for their 6th win in a row. Jayson Werth went deep for the first time since Jennifer Utley slept over last week. Ryan Howard hit his 23rd ding dong, leading the NL with 81 RBI's. And...Shane Victorino got hurt.

Bad news? Of course, Shane is an integral part of the Phillies and losing him for any length of time wouldn't be a good thing. could mean the beginning of Domonic Brown's MLB career.

Granted, you can only expect so much from a rookie, but the guy is hitting .875 this year in the minors with 403 HRs and 5,000 RBIs (numbers not exact) so I'm going to expect a lot. Bring him up and let him pound crappy NL pitching for the next 2 months. Next year, MVP.

A picture of Shane Victorino and a monkey after the jump.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I Miss the FU Center

First it was the CoreStates Center, then the FU Center. Now, the Wachovia Center has become the Wells Fargo Center...officially.

Personally, I'll miss the FU Center. I mean, could a more perfect name exist for a Philadelphia sports arena? Probably not, unless of course a company named "Fuck You Donovan You Suck and You Too Scott Rolen and Eric Lindros. Kill Yourselves" buys Wells Fargo.

Could happen.

So Duce Staley is a Fatty Now

Duce was at Lehigh today to check out his former team, do some interviews with CSN, and make everyone regret the fast food they had for lunch.

Chunker or not, Duce is rightfully a big fan favorite in this town. I'd love to leave you with some Duce highlights circa Pickle Juice game of '00.  However, amazingly enough, no highlights seem to exist on the Internet from Duce's playing days.  Seriously, I couldn't find any.  If you're disappointed, theres this one from college. 

So if you forgot what Duce looked liked before he packed it on, here you go.

And here's one of Grimace.  Obviously for no related reason whatsover.


OOOOOOOO Eagles Training Camp started today and Nate Allen is signed and Kevin Kolb looks sharp and rookies are impressing coaches and Dez Bryant is already a bigger dickhead than Desean Jackson and Madden comes out soon and when you win the Super Bowl you get to have a parade and meet frickin ObamaByah!

Bengals Buy Media Attention for $2M

Because I couldn't say it any better...

"Terrell Owens has found himself a team, the Cincinnati Bengals, where he’ll presumably form some kind super attention seeking void with Chad Ochocinco that will threaten to suck all of ESPN into it."
- Jason Brewer, SB Nation

Don't forget VH1!  Applicable gif after the jump.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Never Ever Eat Anything in Florida Ever

Blogs and news outlets are reporting on this ESPN report exposing unhealthy stadium concessions facilities. Philly looks to be fine, but you can't say so much about DC or ANYWHERE IN FLORIDA. Gross.

By the way, Madison Square Garden, there's no way in the world those are only "mouse excreta" in your food prep area. Thems rats!