Friday, December 3, 2010

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 13 NFL Spread Picks

What you see above is The Discovery Channel's transformation of their headquarters during Shark Week a few months ago. Shark Week is a joyous and important time for us lamniformes. It's our Hanukkah. We share stories, give gifts, watch Adam Sandler movies, and do all those other things Jewish people do. Anyway, I need find a way to procure a position within that building. Only then will I have an employer who fully understands a shark's need to blog from work.

So last week The Shark had another winning week by going 9-7. That brings the yearly total to 94-76-6. There's only 5 more weeks left in the regular season. If you're not following these picks by now, you're an asshole.

EAGLES (-8) over Texans
Because... our twitter said so, son!

VIKINGS (-6) over Bills
Because... the Vikings have a head coach they actually like and will run the ball all over a porous Bills run defense. It doesn't matter who's carrying the ball - if Peterson can't play, they'll have similar success turning loose Toby "White Power" Gerhart.

DOLPHINS (-4.5) over Browns
Because... Jake Delhomme plays quarterback like he owes some loan shark money.

Jaguars (+3) over TITANS
Because… you’re one re-tweaked calf away from Rusty Smith behind center again.

Broncos (+9) over CHIEFS
Because... It wouldn't be Dolla Dolla Bills Yall without me picking against the Chiefs.

Redskins (+7) over GIANTS
Because... the NFC East must become as muddled as possible.

Bears (-4.5) over LIONS
Because... Drew Stanton is starting for the Lions and he's a third string QB for a reason.

PACKERS (-10) over 49ers
Because... Brian Westbrook is already hurt and Clay Matthews has DNA spliced from several mythical creatures.

BENGALS (+7) over Saints
Because... if there's a team I trust as little as the Bengals, it's the Saints - they don't fare well ATS when facing teams with losing records and Carson Palmer is the best QB in the league when it comes to throwing backdoor-cover touchdown passes.

Raiders (+13) over CHARGERS
Because... regardless of which shitty quarterback starts for Oakland, that's a lot of fuckin' points to lay.

BUCCANEERS (+3) over Falcons
Because... this is a huge game deciding the winner of the NFC South and over the last few years, the home team has won the majority of these matchups. Plus, Atlanta kinda plays like butt outdoors.

Panthers (+6) over SEAHAWKS
Because... the Seahawks are banged up and the Panthers remembered how to run the football last week (Seattle's run defense is as bad as the Browns defense Carolina ran over last week).

COLTS (-5.5) over Cowboys
Because... Peyton Manning is like a baked-potato-hot - with anger - after losing two straight.

CARDINALS (+3.5) over Rams
Because... the Cardinals own the Rams (winners of the last 8 meetings between the two) and I think people are getting a little too high on the Rams. Good spot to reap the benefits.

Steelers (+3) over Ravens
Because... Joe Flacco's unibrow doesn't have shit on Big Ben's gray retard dick.

PATRIOTS (-3.5) over Jets
Because... this might be for homefield advantage in the playoffs.  After losing the first meeting to the Jets, Bill Belichick will make sure his team gets even in the most dastardly and reprehensible way possible. If that doesn't work, he'll sleep with Rex Ryan's wife.  Billy B always gets even.  Always.

Good luck and enjoy the games!


The Shark

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