Friday, December 3, 2010

Eagles 34, Texans 24: More Camera Talk

Papa John: Enough is Enough - As I Tweeted last night, I get a serious kick of out Papa John's current marketing campaign. You know the one: Papa John visits a family/sporting event/party, brings plenty of pizza, then shows the world that he can throw a football.


Diane - Okay marketing team, we've been busting our humps for the entire second quarter on this concept and I think it's finally ready for air. Gary, I really love what you did with the CGI and graphics team. Terry, the actors you selected were fantastic. I really am proud of you all--

Papa John - Papa's in the hooouuuuuussse!! What the fuck is up, MARKETERS!?

Diane - Oh, uh, hi John. We were just getting ready to present our final cut of the new commercial to you toda--

Papa John - [grabs pepper off table, dips in garlic sauce, and begins chewing loudly] Eff that noise, I got an idea. Hows about you not worry about all that faggy acting and CGI stuff, and just show me slangin' high-quality Papa John pizzas, whippin' around in my Camaro, and bombing a couple footballs DEEP as SHIT??

Diane - I...but, John, we've been working on this campaign for the last two--

Papa John - GREAT, SO IT'S DONE! Call your camera people and tell them to meet me at my cousin Katie's place in the suburbs. She'll bring over people from the neighborhood, we'll talk about the freshness of my toppings, I'll gun some fifty yarders at the local'll be great.

Diane - you wish, sir.

Papa John - Goddamn right! HEY -- you guys busy? I got some coke in my office if you's feel like partyin'...

What else did we learn? Unquestioned MVP, Chad Hall's Package, NFL Networst, Te-o'Nesheim OBEY THE LAWS, If it Ain't Broke, Jorrick Calvin, Black Egg, Kevin Kolb Reflective Thoughts Meter, and No Guarantees.

Unquestioned MVP (for now) - Phillip Rivers is having a fantastic season. As is Tom Brady. And let's not forget Dwayne Bowe's recent success and the 2010 reemergence of Matt Ryan. All of these guys should be considered candidates and are playing top-notch gridiron right now. But none of them...NONE...are touching Michael F. Vick right now.

Vick is now 6-1 this year in games he's started and finished. While the argument of whether or not he's the most valuable player to his team is open for debate (Manning, Brady, and Rivers come to mind), his 86% best-in-the-league winning percentage is not.

More numbers? Well, Mike Vick is second in the league in QB Rating (105.7). Second in the league in yards per completion (8.4). Has the fewest interceptions of any starting QB in the league (2). And while one can point out that he's only 13th in the league in yards per game (249.2), the fact that the dude only is given the 24th most attempts per game (29.8) explains the aberration.

What else am I missing...? Oh yeah, HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING RUNNING BACK, TOO.

Vick's averaging 51.9 yards per game (more than Ronnie Brown, Ryan Mathews, and Brandon Jacobs), is 10th in the league in rushing TDs (more than Ahmad Bradshaw, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Frank Gore), and has the best yards per carry of anybody with at least 30 carries (6.3).

Since the bye and his return from injury, Ookie's per game averages are: 288 passing yards, 1.8 passing TDs, a 104.9 QB Rating, 56 rushing yards, and 1 rushing TD while only turning the ball over 0.6 times a game.

Averaging 344 total yards a game the last 5 weeks? Sounds pretty Valuable to me.

Chad Hall's Package - It may be small and ineffective, but it plays its role.

While I'm not a huge fan of Danny Woodhead Chad Hall getting goal line wildcat carries, I like what the Eagles are trying to do. The goal is simply to make defenses have to think and prepare for what they do with Hall. They have a handful of plays in the Chad Hall package, most of which involve him moving from the WR spot to surprise the defense with a run play. I just KNOW Andy and Marty of saving up for an epic play-action to Hall deep pass to DeSean in the playoffs. Just another wrinkle in an already complex offensive scheme.

NFL Networst - I already hated Joe Theismann, NFL. For starters, this guys name is pronounced "THEEZman" and was only changed when he was trying to win the Heisman trophy in college. Not only did he NOT win the Heisman, but he kept the pronunciation...which places him squarely in "eternal clown" territory. Also, he's a part of the NFL meathead commenterratti with other over-emotional and under-intelligent talking heads like Jamie Dukes, Mike Ditka, and Terry Bradshaw. He's terrible.

Then the NFL adds in Matt Millen, who is like an un-lovable version of John Madden. Which basically means he's a hulking moron without the rings or "Madden Football" fame to back up anything he's saying. Pair those two with play-by-play announcer X and you get a near unlistenable NFL broadcast.

WTF did we do to deserve this? Doesn't the NFL make enough money to get better people on Thursday nights? Why not make Rich Eisen and Deion call the game? At least then there's a chance Deion could say something YouTube-able to make the evening interesting.

Te-o'Nesheim - is the WORST. Rookie DE Daniel Te'o-Nesheim should never have been drafted even close to the third round. I only remember seeing him in for a couple of plays, and when I watched him stuff like THIS happened (watch him at the bottom of the screen). I love your name, and would love for you to make plays if only to hear announcers fuck up the pronunciation and giggle about it for several minutes afterward. But it doesn't look like you're fit for an NFL field at all. Either Danny Te-'o-Errible needs to hit the weight room and add some serious strength, or the Birds need to send dude to the practice squad, post haste.

OBEY THE LAWS - That's our boy! It's no secret that we here at TheWizWit are huge Trevor Laws fans, so it was great to see him make a crucial play Thursday. It doesn't appear that he's still rocking the mustache, but I guess the power is just coming from his Tarzan/Geico caveman hair. OBEY THE LAWS!

If it Ain't Broke - The Eagles ran pretty much the same exact play for their first and last touchdowns. Rolling Vick to his left with a RB in the flat looking for the dump-off. Vick's speed makes this place simple and effective.

Jorrick Calvin - I think he's STILL dancing in the end zone right now. It was holding, Jorrick. Sorry.

Black Egg -
(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

Kevin Kolb Reflective Thoughts Meter -

No Guarantees - After playing with ESPN's Playoff Machine for a while yesterday, I came to a very obvious conclusion: it would be really easy for the Eagles to miss this years' playoffs. While we're all feeling good about the things Vick and this young group have been able to achieve, we mustn't forget that the team is still on thin ice. Due to losses to the Packers and Bears, and the impressive records of the Falcons, Saints, and Bucs, the Eagles damn near have to play perfectly for the rest of the way to make a serious playoff run. The remaining schedule goes like this: Cowboys, Giants, Vikings, and Cowboys. A loss to the Giants and one of the other teams? Philadelphia may be watching postseason from home.

But don't let my Debbie Down-ness get to you.  Next up are the Cowboys in 9 days.

Go Birds.


  1. Papa John is TWW's verion of KSK Rex Ryan. I look forward to future appearances.


    I saw this video and immediately thought that YOU NEED TO SEE IT! I don't even want to give anything away about it for fear of spoiling your first experience with it. (SFW)

  3. yea man i saw this a couple of days before you posted it. I would make a make a joke here, but not much is funnier than Tonya Harding, Ricki Lake, and David Faustino just...being.

    also, i stumbled upon a few more Papa John videos that i can't wait to share. Papa's in the house.

  4. update. the original link was disabled. so for those who need to see the Faustino goodness check out this version:

  5. HD version!!!!