Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 2 NFL Spread Picks

Well we still don't have the new mascot picture ready.  You just can't rush beauty people.  Anyway, this is a picture the Seabreacher X.  A shark-like, completely submersive watervessle.  I shall purchase one of these some day.  Mark my words. 

Alright, so last week we went 7-7-2, not bad considering we're picking every damn game for you people.  We aim to improve on that record this week.  It does seem like a tough card, but you'll see a trend in the Shark's picks - he's likes a lot of the home teams.  Home teams won 12 out 16 games this past weekend and we're betting the trend continues. 

So strap in, and get ready to dive into these picks.  Papa needs a new Seabreacher!

Before we run off this weeks' winning picks, I'd like to share with you that I will be trying my hand at LEGAL parlay betting this weekend.  Yes, I'm making my second trip to Delaware Park in hopes of winning lots of dollar bills.  Wish me luck, my retirement depends on it.

As always, home teams are in CAPITALS.

BROWNS (-2) over Chiefs
It looks like the Browns will start Seneca Wallace on Sunday - and that is not a bad thing.  With no Jake Delhomme around to ruin things with an epic interception, I think we're looking at a winner.  Wallace is athletic enough to make plays when the shitty Cleveland receivers don't get open.  Plus, remember it's just the Chiefs and they're still quarterbacked by Matt Cassel.  Can you say monumental letdown coming off that Monday night win against the Chargers last week?

PACKERS (-14) over Bills
Yeah, this game probably won't even be fair.  The Packers are going to smoke the Bills.  14 points is a lot, but it's the home opener and... well... it's the Bills.  This will not end well for Trent Edwards and friends.

BENGALS (+3) over Ravens
The Bengals owned Baltimore last season.  I like them at home with the Ravens being forced to play two consecutive road games - especially when their first game was as physical as it was.  A lot of money is going on Baltimore in this game, so that makes me feel even better about Cincy.  I think this is more of a 'right place, right time' cover for the Bengals than it is about them actually being a better football team.

TENNESSEE (-5.5) over Steelers
Vince Young does two things: 1.) Win football games.  2.) Parties with lots of shirtless dudes while funneling alcohol.  That's really all you need to know and I'm basing those two things on this prediction.

Eagles (-6) over LIONS
Forget about the line for a second.  Do you realize the carnage that will take place in this city if the Eagles fall to 0-2?  Philly will look more like the landscape from Escape from LA... except with less Snake Plissken.  They have to win this game.  Luckily, Shaun Hill is starting for the Lions and he is buttcheeks.  As long as Vick doesn't get too over-eager to show off his arm where he's throwing dumb picks, the Eagles should be fine.  Don't forget all the weapons this Eagles team has. Or the fact the defense did a good job against a Packers offense that is about a boobillion times better than any offense lead by Shaun Hill.  By the way, even though these teams don't play each other very often, the last time the Lions beat Philly was in 1986. 

Bears (+9) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys looked bad last Sunday night.  From the looks of the line however, Vegas is assuming many idiots don't care and will bet dem Cowboys anyway.  This is a good spot to mention that the Cowboys (like the Patriots and Colts) are one of a handful of teams who the public will always bet.  Vegas knows this, and ratchets up the line for the 'privilege' of betting one of those teams.  I'm not at all saying you should never bet them, but I just don't think there's any value in this matchup to lay the points. UPDATE: This was the line the game opened at; it's since gone down to as low as 7 in some spots.  That's a big swing and late money is coming in on Chicago.  You're starting to get some value if you want to go with the Cowboys.

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Buccaneers
Man, this game would suck to watch.  Go with the team that has a running game and try and find a better game to wager on.

FALCONS (-7) over Cardinals
It was a tough draw for the Cardinals to start the first two weeks of the season on the road, but some sympathy was bestowed upon them when they were assigned the Rams in Week 1. And what did they do? Nearly squandered the gift of 1-0 away by barely beating St Louis. This week the Cards get the Falcons in their home opener coming off a heartbreaking defeat to the Steelers. I expect Atlanta to win big.

Dolphins (+6) over Vikings
Here's a nice possible upset for you.  I think the Dolphins will not only cover, but may actually win this game.  The Vikings passing game isn't clicking, the line isn't blocking, and their secondary is banged up.  Opening the season with two road games is tough, but I think this game will be closer than most think.

RAIDERS (-3.5) over Rams
I swear, if the Raiders burn me again this week, I'm not betting on them the rest of the year.  I was waaaay off on the Raiders/Titans game last week.  Since no one is here to save me from myself, I'm going to lay the points with them, and assume they'll be ready to play hard in their home opener.  I'm sure they have a bunch of extra, un-used energy leftover from last week when they decided to quit six minutes into the game.  The Rams played well against Zona last week, but Bradford will have growing pains and the team still may be feeling down after losing a close one at home.

BRONCOS (-3.5) over Seahawks
The Seahawks are not as good as their final score last week showed. I shouldn't have to tell you that.  The Broncos do have some talent and I think they'll show up to put together a solid game.  Denver seems to play well at home, so I wouldn't go all crazy and lean towards Seattle. 

REDSKINS (+3) over Texans
I'm feeling pretty good about the Skins here. The Texans are coming off a very emotional win over their nemesis Colts. I can just see a let-down as they travel away from home. Plus, I just have a feeling that McNabb is going to give this team an undefeated September leading right up to the their meeting with the Eagles. Then they'll beat Philly as well. Because God hates us, you see.

CHARGERS (-7) over Jaguars
I'm liking the Chargers a lot this week coming off the embarrassing loss to Kansas City.  The Chargers are a great home team with a great offense.  The Jaguars are traveling and are the epitome of average. 

Patriots (-3) over JETS
This KILLS me.  Absolutely kills me.  I'm picking the Patriots and going against my golden rule.  The Pats are this week's highest betting consensus.  Now, I would never bet this game at all - there's other decent games to bet this week.  But after seeing how terrible Mark Sanchez is and realizing that Rex Ryan completely ignored offensive coaching in the offseason, I just can't recommend putting money on them.  I mean seriously, Tom Brady is 13-3 against the Jets in the regular season (assuming that dork Greenberg didn't lie to me on the radio this morning). 

COLTS (-5.5) over Giants
Peyton Manning lost a regular season game for like fourth time ever last week.  He's going to take it out on his dopey brother and put on a show for his fans at home.  The Giants are going to run the ball a ton in this matchup because I'm pretty sure Arian Foster just scored again.  The Colts will sell out on the run, force Eli to throw, then quickly pick him off.  The Giants will try and apply the same constant pressure on Peyton as they did on Carolina last week, but I see them getting burned.  What worked against Matt Moore, who is by all accounts a dummy, won't work against a real NFL quarterback.

49ERS (+6) over Saints
Am I insane for going with the Niners after their piss-poor showing last week?  Maybe, but I just have a feeling.  I also seem to always get the game involving the Saints wrong, so take my 'feeling' with a grain of salt.

Bonus!  Here's the Shark's favorite song of all-time.  Some may consider it his theme music.  Other's wonder why LL Cool J has nipple cut-outs in his outfit.  Even more wonder why the line "my hat is like a shark's fin" is so fascinating.  Anyway, enjoy this terribly awesome little diddy and good luck this week!


  1. a Snake Plisken and Hat-is-like-a-Shark's-fin reference in the same article? Sounds like you either took a sick day to watch movies on TNT all day … or stopped by the bargain dvd bin at Walmart.

  2. Chargers win this game 453-13

    I'd bet on that compadre. Fuck your stupid picks.

  3. "Fuck your stupid picks"

    -Razor Ramons enemies

  4. "Fuck your stupid face."

    - Ron Burgundy

  5. also the title of the adult film featuring Ron Burgandy's mom...s face.

    yeah i'm talkin 'bout your moms face. go drink milk on a hot day.

  6. Hey, where did you get your comebacks at? The Toilet Store? Go eat cat poop.