Tuesday, December 7, 2010
TheWizWit has numerous private emails from many of Philadelphia sports' biggest names.
We will leak them as we please.
First of all, sir, I'd just like to wish you a merry...happy...Hanukkah oil candle ceremony. I understand this is an important and meaningful time for your people and while I'm not certain American Jesus completely approves of this much dradling, I hope you and your lovely, lovely wife are enjoying the holiday season. Christmas season. Santa Claus. Cookies. Ham. Big glazed ham. Where was I?
Oh, DeSean's contract. You know how you were saying that you don't want to pay him what he's worth because it's bad business? Well, I've figured out how we can keep him underpaid. Two words: FLY ROUTES.
Just keep sending him on fly routes and let Jeremy and Jason rack up the stats. I understand that the ridiculous stipulation in his contract that says we have to throw him the ball on the first play of every game was my idea, but trust me this time -- the other receivers will gobble up all the receptions. You see, JL, it's about numbers. You love numbers! If DeSean finishes with a lower NUMBER of catches and touchdowns than, say, Hakeem Nicks, we get to pay him less than Hakeem Nicks! It's a revolutionary idea! Sure, we'll have to deal with Drew Rosensaus' stupid smelly face all summer, but you and Howie speak his language, right? This is brilliant. I think I just transformed Free Agency, Mr. Lurie. I'm a genuis. Smartypants. Smarties. Candy. Mandy. Moore. Smores. Smores....
Huh? Where was...OH! So you remember how DeSean got after the Bears loss, when he called me "Brodie" and the F word and threw his W'd hand all in my face? Yeah, I don't think...uh...he's going to run all of these fly patterns quietly. We're going to have to be very careful, here. There is no way ANYBODY can find out that we're purposefully altering our gameplan to make sure DeSean Jackson's stats are mediocre to give us an upper hand in contract negotiations next year. That would be incredibly bad.
Now, since we both know that I'm so busy that I don't even have the time to edit my emails, I'll leave you with this:
[I passed gas]