Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Optimus Prime vs.Captain America

Over the next few days you're going to hear more shit about the Super Bowl then you'll care to listen to. ESPN is going to break down Dwight Freeney's injury until you want to strangle Mike Greenberg (which you likely already want to do) and you're going to learn everything you'd ever want to know (which is nothing) about Jim Caldwell and Sean Payton. But, honestly, this Super Bowl is going to come down to one thing: Who plays better, Peyton Manning or Drew Brees?

So, in WizWit fashion, I've decided to break down this awesome quarterback matchup, Manning vs. Brees. Please note that most of what you're about to read has nothing to do with actual talent or football, but I don't care. It's much more fun this way.

Super Hero Comparison:

Optimus Prime (Manning) vs. Captain America (Brees)

Honestly, Drew Brees probably should have been Mole Man, but he's had his mole removed. Since he couldn't be Mole Man, Brees is probably closest to Captain America. Captain America was a scrawny dude before taking the super-soldier serum and then became all jacked and tough and American. Brees was a scawny dude before he went to New Orleans, ate jambalaya and then became all awesome at football and tough and American (yes, I know he was good in San Diego, but just play along dammit). Well, that's not totally true...he became American because he's the QB of the Saints, who are unofficially America's team. Either way, he's Captain America.

Manning however, by all accounts, is a robot. The dude is the same every year. 4,000 yards, 30 TDs and 12+ wins. The most awesome robot ever? Optimus Prime. Or Robbie Junior.

So who wins this battle? Well, Optimus Prime is a big fucking robot that shoots lasers. Captain America, sadly, has no laser. However, he has a kick-ass shield and crazy hand-to-hand combat skills. I see this battle as a good one, at least until Optimus Prime turns back into a truck and runs Captain America over.

Winner: Truck Version of Optiums Prime.

Manning - 1 Brees - 0

Funniest Commercial Comparison:

This is Manning's funniest commercial.

This is Brees's funniest commercial.

Now it's a fact that Peyton Manning is hilarious, but there's something about that Drew Brees commercial that gets me everytime. I almost want to give this to Brees, but Manning in a mustache is great stuff. Cut that meat! Cut that meat!

Winner: Manning, again.

Manning - 2 Brees - 0

Hottest Wife Comparison:

Here is a lovely photo of Drew and his wife. Here's another. And another.

Manning's wife's name is Ashley. They met when he was a freshman at Tennessee. She seems like a very nice lady.

Honestly, I'm not blown away by either of them. Not that either guy is Derek Jeter or that either woman is ugly, but you'd expect more. I mean A.J. Feeley was able to pull Heather Mitts and he blows.

Winner - An unfortunate tie. I'll split the point.

Manning - 2.5 Brees - 0.5

More Awesomer City Comparison:

Peyton Manning's home city is Indianapolis. This is Indianapolis. While it looks like your normal midwest town, I've driven through Indianapolis and it seemed boring. Just read this definition of Indy. Certainly isn't flattering.

Drew Brees plays for the Saints. The Saints are from New Orleans. New Orleans, as every dude knows, is one of the greatest places on Earth (for as long as it remains on this Earth, which may or may not be too much longer). Known for awesome things like Jazz, Mardi Gras beads and tons of flashing's pretty clear that New Orleans shits all over Indy.

Winner: Boobies

Manning - 2.5 Brees 1.5

Better Fantasy Season Comparison:

It's a known fact that fantasy football controls most males lives from September through December. It's also a known fact that Peyton Manning and Drew Brees are two of the most dominate fantasy QB's around, both always a threat to drop a 30-point game. Well, in my home league, Brees outscored Manning by 11 points, 349-338. That's less than a point-per-game. Jesus, these guys are good.

Winner: Everyone

Manning - 2.5 Brees 2.5

Well, after five rounds we appear to have landed at a tie. Now, as an ode to Bud Selig, I'm half tempted to leave this as a tie. I mean, these guys are both awesome and you really can't go wrong. I honestly expect both to play great games and wouldn't be suprised at all with a final score in the 30's (although Super Bowl scoring always goes differently than you'd expect).

However, I can't leave it like that. There has to be a winner, I'm putting my blogging integrity at stake here. If I were to leave you with blog blue balls, hell, that just wouldn't be fair. So here is the tie-breaker:

Most Likely to Throw 90 TD Passes in College:

At Tennessee, Manning threw 89 career TD passes. At Purdue, Brees threw 90 career TD passes. He is, obviously, the one that was more likely to throw 90 TD passes in college.

Drew Brees wins.

Now before you yell at me for a less than fair tiebreaker, let me tell you this. It's late. I'm tired. I've used up every creative bone in my body and I couldn't think of anything better. Plus, Peyton Manning's younger brother is Eli. Eli Manning is gay. So that HAS to count against him, right?

Anyway, here's to a great game.

1 comment:

  1. For those guy's sake its lucky Brett Favre didn't make it. Becasue he is Jesus. And everyone knows Jesus beats robots and Superheroes. At least thats what it says in the Bible. It think its in the book of Lombardi.