Would You Discuss Undergarments With This Man?

[PennLive] Rip Alan Swartz, 43, of the 100 block of East Main Street, turned himself in Tuesday to Upper Allen Township police on charges of harassment relating to the sexually explicit calls to local businesses in October. Police say female employees at the businesses would receive phone calls from Swartz on multiple occasions when he would attempt to engage the women in conversations about pantyhose.

Ole Rip Alan here kind of looks like an old school relief pitcher from the early 80's with that shaggy, drugged out, mustachioed look. Although in actuality, I'm going to guess his greatest success was working night security at an area Bambergers. Anyway, the article goes on to say he placed over 400 harassing calls a day to unsuspecting ladies. That's some hardcore dedication - 400 calls DAILY? Dude was committed and nobody can take that away from him. But my favorite part about this clown came in the last sentence of the article:

He was arraigned in Hampden Township on Feb. 11 for 21 counts of harassment and released on bail with the condition that he not call or visit Hooters, Bob Evans, Applebees or First National Bank of Marysville.

Cue the Sesame Street 'One of These Things is Not Like the Other' music. I hope it was worth it pal. You just cost yourself a lifetime of wings, sausage links, mozzarella sticks... and... uh... bank withdrawals.

Would You Buy A $400 MacBook From This Man?

[WTSP.com] Officer Augello found a FedEx box turned inside out and packaged with Apple labels, making it look like a brand new laptop computer inside. "He told me that someone sold this to him for 400 bucks. I said, 'But its 2,299? May I open it for you?'" the Officer said. When Officer Augello opened the package, it was indeed a phony parcel. Inside, there was a phone book, sealed in saran-wrap and bound with packing tape. The phone book was from Tallahassee.

Oh Clyde Brown, you scallywag, you almost had me with the old phonebook-in-a-box trick. I thought I was getting a hot deal on some of Steve Jobs’ personal stock. If I wasn't such a worrywart when it comes to fake ass Apple logo's taped to boxes, we would've had a deal.

Ok seriously, this guy looks like a collegiate 1980's point guard who wasted his talents on coke and white girls. Who the hell is trusting enough to believe there’s a laptop worth $2,299 is inside that shitty box? Man, people are gullible as hell. But I guess we have to at least give this guy points for coming up with a good way to put phonebooks to use.