Will We Ever Score Again???

Slumps happen all the time. It's a part of baseball, any self-respecting player, manager, reporter or fan will tell you that. But this is just ridiculous. The Phillies haven't scored in 27 straight innings, three full friggin' games, AND were swept by the absolutely hated Mets. No matter how you look at it, this team isn't very good right now.

Obviously it isn't time to hit full panic mode yet. Remember, this team was 39-37 last year in late June before they finally turned it on and ran away with the division. The same could happen this year, especially when you consider we now have Roy Halladay, a better Cole Hamels and J.A. Happ set to return in a few weeks. But the fact remains this team has been shutout in four of the their last five, all against non-ace type pitchers (although, admittingly, Pelfrey is pitching that way this year). If it wasn't for a three run ninth inning on Sunday, we'd be staring at five consecutive shutouts. Yuck.

No Michael Jordan, You Can't Just Wear a Hitler Stache

Now I know that this is pretty well-worn territory, but I feel compelled to speak up as a blog that leans on racial humor as a crutch features some colorful material. You know what, internet? There are some things I just won't tolerate. Very high on that list: Hitler Mustaches.

Michael Jordan, I know you're Michael Jordan. But I think you still live in this fantasy world where it's 1996 and Space Jam is still a big deal and everyone loves everything you do. The truth, Michael, is that you're really just a former basketball player.

Not a motorcyle rider/team owner, not a baseball player, not a golfer, not a professional gambling....person, none of this. You are a dude that was really good at playing basketball at one time. Maybe the best. But you were still just a basketball player. You know what that means? YOU CAN'T WEAR A HITLER MUSTACHE LIKE ITS OKAY.

You know why? Cause when the all-time leader in worst person ever has one unique feature about them, the person that later adopts that unique feature looks like an asshole.

And you look like an asshole.

No Black People Work For The Reading Phillies

This is the semi-racist giveaway of the family-friendly Reading Phillies.  I'm not sure who signed off on this, or thought a Ryan Howard lawn jockey garden gnome was a good idea, but you can have your own at their August 3rd game.  [philly.com]


Regardless, all gnomes are creepy little buggers.  And yes, I'm looking at you David.  Without Swift, you were NOTHING.

Stanley Cup Finals Preview (With Jokes!)

By TWW friend Rich
1997. That was a great time to be 13; Nike was in it’s prime and everyone my age craved the butt ugly 190 dollar basketball sneakers they made. Nike even made hockey cool, with commercials featuring Sergei Federov and our very own, Rod “The Bod” Brind’amour. A lot of boners happened in 1997, too, thanks to MTV spring break specials and scrambled porn.  However, the biggest boner I received that year came when the Flyers made it to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time in my young life. Unfortunately, The Redwings took me to CB Perkins and ordered me cockblock waffles with blueball syrup.

And yet, here we are, 13 years later, as Flyered up as ever. The memory of the sweep still haunts us, but in retrospect, that 97 Redwings team was one of the best teams of all time(s) so it eases the pain a little, but damn, what if.... Anyway, the time has come to punish bad memories, win some mutha fuckin hockey games, take home the Stanley Cup, bring it to Old City, party with it at some stripper’s sorority, and drinkith from its herpes infested glory! Oh yes my friends, I can taste the Abreva already.

In order to drink from Stan’s mug of champions, we gotta take down the Blackhawks…like in that movie. The Flyers are the Somalian warlords that shoot down helicopters with bazookas, but instead of bazookas we have heavy slappers from the point. It’s gonna be great, I’m so Flyered up right now ova’ here!

Take a look at the matchups:

2010 Eastern Conference Champions.

I don't know much about hockey, but this is a pretty big deal. Chicago, here we come.

Go Flyers.

Hey The Sixers Have A New Coach!

The Sixers have agreed to terms with their seventh head coach since the end of the Larry Brown era - Doug Collins has reportedly agreed to a 4 year deal with financials still unknown.

The Sixers and GM Ed Stefanski interviewed quite a few candidates in their search, but ended up settling on the guy they pretty much wanted from the start.  Since the firing of Eddie Jordan, it's been widely considered that Collins was the front runner for the position.

The Cubbies Come to Town

There aren't many teams over the last 100 years that have been less successful than the Phillies. 10,000 losses is pretty hard to compare to. But know this, if you asked a Cubs fan to trade the Cubs history for the Phillies history, I bet they'd say yes. Two World Series titles since 1980 looks like millions when compared to none since 1908. (But at least they aren't Cleveland, right?)

Tonight the Phillies start a quick two-game set with the Cubbies, before they get ready for the Sox this weekend. While the Cubs have struggled mightly this year, the Phillies would do best not to look past them. There are still some dangerous hitters in that lineup, even if most of them have been slumping all year. Plus, we'll face their best pitcher (Ryan Dempster) tomorrow. Here are the matchups:

Tonight: Moyer (5-2, 4.57 ERA) v. Gorzelanny (1-4, 3.60 ERA)
Tomorrow: Blanton (1-2, 5.49 ERA) v. Dempster (2-4, 3.49 ERA)

Gorzelanny is a lefty who has actually pitched rather well this year. His K/9 rate is higher than it has ever been and he's only had one start with more than 3 ER allowed (albeit his last one). Considering the Phillies can struggle against lefties they don't see often (they haven't faced him since 2007), it could be a tough matchup. Especially since Chase Utley may miss a third straight game with flu-like symptoms.

I do, however, expect the Phillies to bomb the hell out of Ryan Dempster tomorrow. Why? Because he's on my fantasy team, no other reason. I see a line of 5 IP, 7 ER, 2 HR allowed. Mark it down, it's a mortal lock.

Go Phils.

2-0. Series Lead. Nice.

There is no way around it...the Flyers are the hottest team on the planet. Pick a sport, any sport, it doesn't matter. There isn't a team anywhere playing better than these guys. Maybe there is a girls high school softball team somewhere in Iowa playing better, but who the fuck cares about them?

Right now, Philadelphia is in a frenzy as the Flyers sit just two wins away from their first Stanley Cup Finals appearance in 13 years. Yet again, Michael Leighton and the Flyers defense allowed the Canadiens to score the same amount of goals as this girl has boyfriends. That amount, in case you don't know, is zero. The Flyers have absolutely silenced a Canadien team that came in playing with a ton of confidence. With Gagne and Briere both scoring at will (or so it seems) this team just looks good. I mean, they've scored 13 consecutive goals without allowing any. That's just silly.

To put it simply, things are very good in Flyer land right now. Hopefully, in 48 hours, we're discussing a 3-0 series lead.

Go Flyers.

Holy Shit... Evan Turner!!

Get your Evan Turner jersey ready - the Philadelphia 76ers triumphed over mathematics and won the 2nd overall pick in the 2010 NBA Draft. While it's been no secret John Wall has been locked into the #1 overall selection since he was in high school, the Sixers are getting a pretty friggin awesome consolation prize in Turner.

Andy Reid Luvs Da Kids

While never a beacon for successful parenting, Fat Andy has always been good with the (contractual) visiting of area children's hospitals. While I'm not sold on the positive impact the presence of a 400lb football coach can have on a 7 year-old cancer patient, I honestly do commend his efforts.

And with that, I will now make fun of him in a series of doctored photographs. Blogs!