Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Stanley Cup Finals Preview (With Jokes!)

By TWW friend Rich
1997. That was a great time to be 13; Nike was in it’s prime and everyone my age craved the butt ugly 190 dollar basketball sneakers they made. Nike even made hockey cool, with commercials featuring Sergei Federov and our very own, Rod “The Bod” Brind’amour. A lot of boners happened in 1997, too, thanks to MTV spring break specials and scrambled porn.  However, the biggest boner I received that year came when the Flyers made it to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time in my young life. Unfortunately, The Redwings took me to CB Perkins and ordered me cockblock waffles with blueball syrup.

And yet, here we are, 13 years later, as Flyered up as ever. The memory of the sweep still haunts us, but in retrospect, that 97 Redwings team was one of the best teams of all time(s) so it eases the pain a little, but damn, what if.... Anyway, the time has come to punish bad memories, win some mutha fuckin hockey games, take home the Stanley Cup, bring it to Old City, party with it at some stripper’s sorority, and drinkith from its herpes infested glory! Oh yes my friends, I can taste the Abreva already.

In order to drink from Stan’s mug of champions, we gotta take down the Blackhawks…like in that movie. The Flyers are the Somalian warlords that shoot down helicopters with bazookas, but instead of bazookas we have heavy slappers from the point. It’s gonna be great, I’m so Flyered up right now ova’ here!

Take a look at the matchups:

Toews vs Richards

Toews (pronounced- Tay-vz) is like the second coming of Joe Sakic. The kids like 15 years old, but he’s the captain, and is a great two way player. He has 26 points in 16 games which leads the league. Dude is nasty and scary.

Richards is the fucking man! Watch this goal. I don’t even want to talk about it. He’s got 21 points, second in the league, and he hits real hard too. Richards is like if B-Dawk was a hockey player. Check it out… get it?

Niemi vs Leighton

Niemi was a back up in Finland two years ago, he’s 26, and this is his first rodeo. He has a 2.33 GAA, .921 save percentage and 2 shutouts in 16 playoff games. The save percentage is nasty, and he has two 40+ save performances. But we’ve run through rookie sensations these playoffs like a Jim Johnson defense. He’s good, but he’ll have to stand on his head, and then do windmills like a jabawokee if the Hawks have a chance.

Leighton we got off waivers and he’s been a monster. He’s the most positionaly sound goalie in the playoffs and he’s fressshhhh. … like Pedro Martinez last year, only Chicago is not his father. 6-1 this postseason and he leads the league in GAA (1.45), save percentage (.948) and shutouts (3) NUMBERS!!!!

Kane vs Gagne

Kane is the best young player out period He is third in points with 20, and is pretty much like Claude Giroux but better. Not much to say about this guy, he’s a super star that you should know about already.

Gagne is technically the best Flyer still. He’s aggravatingly spastic at times, but means as much to the Flyers as Rollins does to the Phillies. He brought us back from a 3-0 hole with some big time goals, and his beard looks really good this year. Keep scoring goal, Gagne, and we’ll see what happen.

Byfuglien vs Briere

Byfuglien (pronounced Bufflyn) is 260 lbs. He’s a big friggin’ san-don-doan and I hope Pronger can keep him out of our crease. He’s a big time guy and has 4 game winning goals this year in the playoffs.

Briere is like the equal and opposite of this. He’s little, fast and skilled. He has been deadly in the playoffs for his whole career and is adding to his legacy with 9 goals this year. He also has 4 game winners this year, and his facial hair really does grow all French like that.

Sharp/Bolland vs Giroux

Sharp used to be a Flyer, and he still plays like one. He’s the retarded version of Mike Richards. Watch out for his short hand, it’s his strong hand.

Bolland “The Rat” shuts down elite players. He’s a pesky jerkoff that we would love to have on our team, but you’re gonna be like, “I can’t fucking stand Dave Bolland” by the end of the series.

Giroux is the reason the Flyers are where they are this year. He got us into the playoffs with his shootout goal, and has played his brains out ever since. He’s the most skilled player on the ice whenever he’s out there, he’s like a little Forsberg with a 99 offensive awareness rating. 8 goals, 17 points and a PLUS 10! Plus 10 is disgusting. He’s my favorite.

Keith vs Pronger

Keith is probably gonna win the Norris Trophy this year for being the best D-man during the regular season. Having said that, this isn’t the regular season, and Pronger is now the best D-man goin. If they win, he’s the reason why.

Pronger is the best player in the playoffs right now. Fuck what you heard about Toews having half his name carved into the Conn Smythe trophy, Pronger is the MVP of the playoffs. He plays 30 crazy minutes a game, and doesn’t allow nothing to nobody. He’s a robot, and has the same preparation style and approach to winning as Roy Halladay. We need him to keep playing out of his mind like this or we aren’t going to win.

Hossa vs Carter

Hossa is an elite player and a Flyer killer. Like a Kovalev, he could very well have a 4 goal game at some point in the series if the Flyers don’t take him seriesly….seriously. He is cursed though, which is good, the last two years he’s played for the team that has lost the cup.

Carter is our most dangerous weapon. There’s a stat out there about how when Carter and Richards both score in the same game, we never lose. He looks great out there, and we need him to do heavy damage on the powerplay because Chicago is a kick ass penalty killing team. Putting him on the same line with Richards and Gagne is beastly. I like when the best players play on the same line together. It’s like when Potassium and Nitrous Oxide bond….Fireworks….Chemistry.

The Blackhawks are a great team, but they’re too young and they’re relying on their goalie too much. They are the clear favorites to win the cup, but guess what, I don’t fucking care. The Flyers are winning the Cup this year! That’s all I have to say about that.


*special thanks to the Canadiens for eliminating the Capitals and the Penguins. Thanks guys, we appreciated that.


  1. i think i chubbed up a little after reading this.

  2. you may wanna order yourself some cockblock pancakes.

    i've always preferred the flaccid french toast myself.

  3. Don't forget about our secret weapon, Ville Leino.