Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Panic Time, Jodie Foster Style

For those of you unlucky enough to have never seen the movie Panic Room, let me offer you a quick synopsis. A woman (Jodie Foster) and her diabetic daughter (Kristen Stewart) buy some old guy's house in manhattan that has a pimped out panic room. The night they move in, three dudes (Jared Leto, Forest Whitaker and Dwight Yoakam) try to break in and steal some bearer bonds that are locked in a safe in the panic room (Leto plays the old guy's grandson). Jodie Foster sees them on the security cameras and locks her and Stewart in the panic room before the burglars can get to them. The sneaky thiefs try everything to get into the room, but it's basically a fortress so nothing doing. They get frustrated. They get angry. Eventually Foster's ex-husband shows up at the house, the burglars kick his ass, Foster leaves the room, Stewart is sick and needs medicine and two of burglars die (one of those events is out of order and I skipped over some major plot points, sorry). It's really not that good a movie - kinda boring and a has silly "bad guy shows a good side" ending. But it does serve as the perfect metaphor (probably not) for what the Phillies offense is going through right now.

The Phillies offense is the bearer bonds in the panic room. [I can safely say that the previous sentence is the first time, and the only time, that "Jodie Foster", "Kristen Stewart" and the "Phillies" have/will ever appear in the same sentence. You can thank for constantly breaking down barriers and bringing you world-class analysis. You're welcome.] The Phillies are Jared Leto, Forest Whitaker and Dwight Yoakam. They are having a difficult time getting into the panic room to get their bearer bonds (offense). They are getting frustrated. They are getting angry. They are fighting with each other. But eventually, the ex-husband is going to show up (a really terrible pitcher, ala Derek Lowe) and the Phillies are going to get into the panic room and get their bearer bonds (score some runs). [Please ignore the part about the two burglars dieing at the end, I'm not sure how that fits with this Phillies team. Sorry, all metaphors can't be perfect.]

So, as you can see, there is nothing to worry about. Don't panic. The Phillies are only one and a half games back, on June 2nd. There are four months of games left. Yes, they've played terrible, but that will change. Rollins and Polanco will come back. Happ should be healthy soon. They'll get hot at some point, go 35-15 over two months and everything will be back to normal. This team is going to the playoffs, no doubt in my mind.

And if you don't believe me, just watch Panic Room. Jodie Foster is the truth.


  1. Doesn't Forest Whitaker live?

  2. You're right, he does. But he gets caught. Still, unimportant to the metaphor.

  3. this is brilliant. the ex-husband better get here soon so we can get in that muhfreakin' panic room.

  4. so is jodie foster actually charlie manual in this scenario?