Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Not Really Live, Live Blog


I just sat down to LeBronapalooza and the first thing I see on ESPN is a rundown of terrible Cleveland sports moments.

(First tangent – there is other sports news to discuss right now. There were five MLB games today, other NBA deals were finalized today and the World Cup final is less than two days away. But Sportscenter isn’t even going to mention those things. LeBron owns the world right now, I’ve never seen anything like this.) I honestly feel terrible for Cleveland fans right now. I really have no idea how I’d feel if this was a Philadelphia player holding the entire fan base’s emotions hostage. Let’s hope this never happens.


Some Miami reporter calls and says that Miami is pumped. Um…no…their not. Miami doesn’t actually have fans, they have people that spend money to go to basketball games. Going to Miami will NEVER immortalize LeBron, you need true fans to do that. Has anyone ever wondered why Dwyane Wade is never mentioned in the “best in the NBA discussion” like Kobe or LeBron. It’s because he plays in Miami. Miami doesn’t have real fans. The Lakers and Cavs do. In the end, without fans players fall apart. Going to Miami makes zero sense for LeBron. Zero. It’s his worst choice.


Another LeBron montage. Honestly, LeBron really bothers me. I’ve never truly been a fan of his, I’m just constantly in awe of how good he is, and this whole hour long announcement is really ridiculous (but still kinda awesome). Like Bill Simmons said in his article today, if he breaks the heart of Cleveland on national TV, that is easily the worst thing ever done to a fan base, ever. Ever, ever. Nothing else is close. Except maybe fans of Marshall football when the whole team died, but that was a freak, tragic accident. LeBron doing this on national TV is contrived and diabolical. It’s like being in a relationship that you know is going to end, telling her you need some time to think about things, then calling all her closest family and friends together and dumping her in front of everyone. And then, while she cries, you bang your new girl right in front of her. LeBron could potentially become the most hated man in Cleveland a mere two months after being the most beloved sports figure in the history of the city. This kind of stuff just doesn’t happen.


There is a reporter stationed in every city. Honestly, ESPN has outdone even themselves on this one. 43% of the nation thinks the Heat will be the choice, the Cavs are trailing at 29%. Only the state of Ohio is leaning toward James. Millions are set up for disappointment. The drama is about to begin.


“The Decision” (what a boring name) has Stuart Scott hosting it. Ugh, but I knew it was coming. I remember when Stuart Scott was cool in 1997. Now, he’s arguably the worst guy on ESPN. I understand the whole “I’m black like most NBA players so I connect with them on a different level so now I get to host ALL THE FUCKING NBA COVERAGE ON ESPN” but can’t we get somebody else. This could have been hosted by anyone else and I’d be happier.


Another LeBron montage. This one is discussing how he help save Cleveland, has won every award, is Jesus Christ reincarnate and cured cancer. 28 -7 -7, those are his career averages. Think about that. Amazing. Maybe he could cure cancer.


A rundown of all the player movement (or lack thereof). Honestly, the best move was the Bulls signing Boozer. Even without James, they should be a very good team next year, especially considering that Derrick Rose is about to take “The Leap” next year and become a top 15 player. No one is going to rebound against them with Boozer and Noah dominating the boards and if Deng continues to play like last year, they should score enough to win 50 games. With LeBron, they win the East.


Chris Broussard is adamant that LeBron, Wade and Bosh with nine cardboard cutouts of ENTER NAME can win the title next year. Um, this is why you just write about basketball. It may be a good idea to have someone else good, in case, say, someone gets hurt or gets tired. Cause, you know, Wade never gets hurt. Or Bosh. Good luck winning a title when Brian Scalabrine and Mark Blount are your 7th and 8th man.


Here comes the predictions. Broussard – Heat. Barry – Heat. Wilbon – Heat. My prediction is the Cavs. Just to be clear, I honestly don’t think he’d do this to the fans in Cleveland. LeBron back to Cleveland for three years. Book it.


“The Decision” is coming “when we come back.” Ok, time to pee.


We are back. Awesome. Let’s take it to Jim Gray!

“So what’s new?” Goddamn this thing is so contrived. Just tell us already, enough with the bullshit questions.

He just thanked all six teams for sitting down with him. Five of them are about to hate you, your thank you’s mean nothing.

Thanks them again, ok LeBron, just get to ripping out Cleveland’s heart already.

“Not many.” That’s what he says to the "how many people know his decision" question. I assume one of them is Chris Broussard’s source. It’s probably LeBron’s mom.

Apparently one team just found out that they won the sweepstakes. Somebody better tweet it.

He just wants to win, he says. Then you go to Chicago. If you want to win titles, you go to Chicago. C-H-I-C-A-G-O.

He has no doubts. I “doubt” that.

Ok, it’s time. Here we go.

Miami. Wow. Cleveland just died. Seriously, they're died. I was prepared all day for it, but honestly didn’t think it would happen. He doesn’t look all that excited, he looks kind of defeated. It's almost as if he's still trying to talk himself into the decision. LeBron, let me tell you one thing. If you make a decision and you're still trying to talk yourself into it after the fact, you've probably made the wrong choice.

(An underrated point of all of this is what it does to fantasy b-ball next year. LeBron and Wade are top-4 guys, Bosh a top 15. Will their stats suffer? Can they all co-exist? I say yes to both. Three guys don’t score 24+pts per game on the same team. It doesn’t happen. But they will be able to co-exist.)

I don’t really care about the rest of this interview. A bunch of easy, softball questions from here on out.

Back to the studio, who the hell cares. I need fan reactions.


Fan reactions! Miami’s is great, nothing better than fake excitement from people who just found out the Heat are a team and not just a setting on their BMW seats. Cleveland’s is predictable…a big ‘awwwwwwwww man!” Yea, their reactions were tempered by the fact they knew this was coming, but you wouldn’t see that kind of subdued reaction in Philly. That’s why I love us. There would have been a riot.


LeBron says he hopes the Cleveland fans welcome him back when he returns as a member of the Heat, but that he doesn’t expect them to. You’re getting booed pal, trust me. At least he knows he is.

LeBron, you just destroyed a team (the Cavs may not survive this as a franchise, the impact can’t be measured) and severely damaged your legacy. Even if he wins a title or five in Miami, they will all have that “needed Wade” asterisk. Oh well. Sometimes in life athletes get it right. Tonight, the greatest basketball player in world got it wrong.


I'm getting a little tired of all the silly questions. I know they aren't going to ask him anything risky, but at least throw the fans a "so how crazy are the parties in Miami going to be?" or "how does it feel to be Scottie Pippen 2.0?" Those would kick this up a notch.


LeBron is going to have another annoucement. Ugh, I was going to wrap this up. Oh well, looks like I gotta stick around for a few more minutes so he can tell us he's donating money or something.


Stuart Scott just did the, "this didn't have to do with money" thing. Ok, sure. So he's going to make $15 million a year instead of $17? Oh, man, what a sacrifice. Please, just tell me what the damn annoucement is already so I can go take a shit.


Still waiting. Just realized Brad Lidge blew the save. God damn it.


Still waiting.


Mike in California has a question. It's about Obama playing LeBron is horse. Mike in California, you're a loser.


Finally, the extra annoucement. He's donating money to Boys & Girls Clubs of America in all the cities he just crushed (and Miami). That's sweet. You're really too kind Bron Bron.

That's it. I'm done. LeBron, way to make the easy, crappy choice. Stu Scott, I hate you. Brad Lidge, go kill yourself.



  1. "10:02

    Mike in California has a question. It's about Obama playing LeBron is horse. Mike in California, you're a loser."

    there was a universal sigh/"ugh" from everyone in America at that moment.

  2. How cool is Dwyane Wade? Just sayin.

  3. I would just like to point out that Jim Gray asked Lebron if he bites his fingernails. Enough said.