Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Three Men and a Baby: NFC East Preview

I know, it’s too obvious. Honestly though, sometimes obvious is the way to go. After another competitive season in 2009 that saw the Cowboys dominate the Eagles, Eagles dominate the Giants and the Giants dominate the Cowboys (and everyone dominate the Redskins), it’s become apparent that this division will continue to be a three horse race. Yes, the Redskins added a five-time Pro Bowl quarterback in Donovan McNabb (click here for a career synopsis if you’re unfamiliar with him) but he’s really not a guy who can carry a team anymore (if he ever really was). The Redskins still have a litany of problems (see below) and ultimately won’t be a real threat to the division crown. However, the Giants and Cowboys certainly will.

So, yes, the NFC East is Three Men and a Baby. You have the Cowboys (Peter), the Giants (Michael) and Eagles (Jack) forced to take care of a baby (DMac/Redskins) left by Jack’s recent co-actress (Joe Banner). Is it perfect? No, but we all know the childish ways of #5 and it just seems right. Plus, anytime you can associate Joe Banner with a woman who starred in So I Married an Axe Murderer you have to do it.

Anyway, onto to some objective homer analysis.

Cowboys (WizWit prediction – Underachieve for 8 weeks only to turn it on, capture the hearts and blowjobs of the media and then lose in dynamic fashion to the Saints or Packers in the playoffs).

After watching the Eagles absolutely shit the sleeping bag (which is much worse than shitting the bed, just think about it) against the Cowboys three times last year, there’s definitely a case to be made that the Eagles are closer to the Redskins than the Cowboys. I’m not sure I agree, but I do know the Cowboys enter this season as the division favorite. The Boys’ (I always enjoy calling them this because it obviously means they aren’t “Men.” Which is fitting since they’re QB is a little bitch. Yea, suck on that BlueStarShockTrooper. Go “cam up” with Joe Buck and masturbate to Troy Aikman’s 1992 Topps card. Then kill yourself. Or skip step one and go right to step two, I’ll leave that up to you.) have an incredible list of talent, a list that probably rivals any team in the NFL. They have Pro Bowl players on both sides of the ball and added another dynamic weapon in Dez Bryant through the draft. If this team plays to its peak, they are probably a 13 win team.

However, Tony Romo is a much better fantasy QB than a real one. He has yet to really come up big in a spot when necessary (don’t point to the Eagles games last year, those were almost totally because the Birds were ineffective on offense, the Eagles have owned Romo just as much as he’s owned them over the past four years) and I still don’t know if he ever will. Their offensive line has been reworked since Flozell Adams’s departure and they lack any real depth if there is an injury. Also, and this is a big ALSO, I need to see Miles Austin do it again before I totally believe. Yes, he was outstanding last year. Yes, smart money is that he will be again. But, if he regresses at all, the Cowboys weapons on the outside really aren’t scary. Roy Williams is terrible and Dez Bryant is a rookie. If Austin’s production slips, they aren’t left with much else outside of Jason Witten (who is incredible, but is just one guy). Marion Barber doesn’t scare anyone anymore and Felix Jones certainly can’t carry a starting load since he’s made of leftover plastic pieces from old G.I. Joe figures. So, when you break it down, the Cowboys still have questions. It’s just that they probably have fewer questions than the rest of the teams in the division.

Giants (WizWit prediction – another two losses to the Eagles, since we own their ass. OWN. THEIR. ASS.)

The Giants, whom I’ve decided I hate more than any other professional sports team besides the Mets, are due to rebound (or so says the national media). Since losing to the Eagles late in the 2008 NFL season, the G-Men have basically been a .500 team with a crappy defense. That’s not much different than, say, the Broncos. But, they’ve been perceived to be much better, a discrepancy that I took to figuring out.




Got it!

They “play” in New York. Honestly that’s the only reason. The last good team they beat that wasn’t the Cowboys (since they suck anyway) is the Panthers all the way back in December 2008. And that was a Panther team quarterbacked by Captain Interception Jack Delhomme. They weren’t really that good either. So, they have to show me they can beat a good team before I anoint them a legitimate Super Bowl contender. They scream 9-7 to me.

Plus, and this is a big PLUS, do they have a defense? Last time I watched the Giants they were letting Jonathan Stewart run for 784 yards on three carries. Do the math, that’s not a good defense. Did one offseason fix that? Let’s look at their linebackers: Keith Bullock (old), Jonathan Goff (huh?) and Michael Boley (seriously). They’re pretty much Justin Tuck and a bunch of crap. Not impressed, not at all. And who is covering DeSean? Corey Webster? Good luck with that, G-Men.

Redskins (the WizWit prediction – Albert Haynesworth eats a lot. Donovan McNabb throws the ball into the ground a lot. Clinton Portis gets hurt a lot. Chris Cooley gets naked a lot. Mike Shanahan misses John Elway a lot. Oh, and they lose. A lot.)

Donovan McNabb is their quarterback. Mike Shanahan has built exactly one contender since 1998, one (and that was a team whose QB was Jake Plummer, no wonder they lost). And their roster of washed up RB’s that were nasty in 2005 just won’t cut it. Plus, if something were to happen to McNabb (who is already hurt) their backup is Rex Grossman. REX GROSSMAN. Enough said.

So I hope I've done a good enough job of raising your spirits for this up coming football season. Andy Reid has only had one season since 2000 where the team was worse than 8-8, so I really think that is their floor here. Kevin Kolb might not be great, but I can't see him totally falling on his face Bobby Hoying style. This team won't be as bad as some national analysts are thinking they will be.

Honestly, I predict 16-0 and a Super Bowl championship. And if you have a problem with that, take it up with Ted Danson.

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