Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Kinda Like Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park is obviously a great movie. Sure, it's a little ridiculous at times, but who the hell cares? You have dinosaurs eating people, dinosaurs eating some more people and, of course, dinosaurs eating some other people. It really doesn't get much better than that.

That said, the Phillies kinda suck. Ok, they totally blow right now. Very little has gone right for this team since the middle of May and things aren't looking great as we near the All-Star break. Minus Roy Halladay being everything we hoped he would be, the rest of this high-priced team has performed woefully under expectations. After tonight's 7-5 lost to the Braves, the Phils sit six games back in the division (three out of the wildcard, pending the Dodgers-Marlins result). This certainly isn't the where I'd thought we'd be come early July. Which of course, got me to thinking...

This is just like Jurassic Park.

Now, in the spirit of an absolutely crazy, kinda lost my mind, I've worked wayyyy too many hours recently movie analogy...bear with me here. I look at it this way:

Ruben Amaro is John Hammond. Chase Utley is Robert Muldoon. Shane Victorino is Tim. J-Roll is Dr. Sattler. Roy Halladay is Dr. Grant. Ian Malcolm is obviously Cole Hamels. And since Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth have to be somebody I'll make Howard the girl, Lex, and Werth the stupid lawyer. They aren't important to the analogy anyway.

Anyway, think of Isla Nublar as the NL East. Dennis Nedry is the Braves. The Mets are Dodgson. Steven Strasburg is dilophosaurus. Brad Lidge is the goat. I think that's enough. Oh, except for the T-Rex, that's the playoffs.

So, John Hammond invites Dr. Grant to see his T-Rex (that sounds 78.6% gay). Dr. Grant, never seeing a T-Rex, decides to go after given some "funding." Things are going great. Then Dennis Nedry ruins everything, somehow Brad Lidge and Jayson Werth get eaten by the playoffs, Steven Strasburg kills the Braves and Cole Hamels tries to hit on J-Roll. Or something like that.

Ok, it's not the perfect analogy. Hell, it's not even a good one. But the point of all of this aimless rambling is that Phillies are playing like shit and now the the dinosaurs (our playoff chances) are running amok on the island (the NL East). And Muldoon (Chase Ultey) is dead...and he was the only one with a gun.



  1. If Velociraptors had their own line of makeup, it would be called 'CleverGirl'.

  2. whos the black dude in the beginning that gets eaten by that raptor? 2008 Tom 'flash' Gordon?