Monday, September 27, 2010

Eagles 28, Jaguars 3: Boom

Michael Vick is heartless, dog-drowning sociopath...if by "heartless, dog-drowning sociopath" you mean the GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE WORLD.

Holy shit just look at my dude bein' all menacing and awesome. McNabb? He's a Chunky soup-slurpin', interception-smirking punaniface. Kolb? He sucks. But Michael, oh're the one. You're the shit like 50 I'm-the-shit-like similes from Lil' Wayne.

Oh, what's that? You're one of those Eagles fans that could never let MV7 turn the page on his conviction? You're that guy who could never come to grips with the fact that your favorite football team is now being led by Ookie so you openly rooted  for his failure? Well I'm here to tell you it's okay -- but I know how you feel:

So what did we learn this week? Well, The Jaguars are Really Really Bad, MV7 for MVP, Save Him for Later, OBEY THE LAWS, DeSean's First Dougie, StewBrad to the Rescue, and Silence for the Dead.

The Jaguars are Really Really Bad - Yes indeedy.  While I'm as excited for the possibilities of what Vick can accomplish as the next delusional Eagles fan, I understand that we really must temper our feelings in this case.  The Jaguars are a bad football team.  The Football Outsiders agree.  I could sit here and Google a bunch of facts about how they're 29th in the league at this and last in the league in that, but that would be wasting your valuable time with Jaguars statistics.  You're probably at work...reading Jacksonville Jaguars stats is like giving your company the finger.

MV7 for MVP -

Save Him For Later - "Fourth and 1 and you run a sweep to Mike Bell?!"  Yes, I thought the same thing...but there's a reason for Andy and Marty sparingly using their second-year burgeoning star RB: it's a long season.  There was a point last year where LeSean McCoy hit "the wall" and could no longer produce as he did earlier in the season.  Why wear him out too early in a game against the Jaguars?  I mean, their uniforms and logo look like the pattern a gay 12-year old would have on their pajamas.  Save Shady's legs now and keep him strong heading into the playoffs.  Yeah bitch I said playoffs.

OBEY THE LAWS - That's my dude.  Trevor Laws -- the first Eagles player to link this blog -- had a ridiculous game yesterday showcasing power, tenacity, and a raggity-ass-awesome beard.  Six tackles, a sack, and two defensed passes.  OBEY THE LAWS!

DeSean's First Dougie - Check it out here.  Sadly, the camera pans away before DeSean can really get into intricate add-your-own-flava steps of the Dougie, but at least he gave us the end zone dance move we've been asking for. No, really, we've been asking for this. Although DJack didn't answer us via Twitter, I don't think I'm stepping my bounds by assuming that TheWizWit was his sole source of inspiration and that the dance was simply a physical way of showcasing how much he cares about this blog. You're welcome, Mr. Jackson.

StewBrad to the Rescue - Total points scored against the Eagles while Stewart Bradley is playing - 6.  With a deep D-line rotation and several similarly-mediocre CBs (after Asante), Stew might be the most valuable part of this defense.  As I've said before: Omar Gaither suuuucks.

Silence for the Dead - Donovan F. McNabb makes his way back to Philadelphia this Sunday.  I think all of us over the past several years have at some point envisioned what this game would look like.  Who would McSoup be playing for? Who would be the Eagles quarterback?  What did we trade him for?  After now understanding the answers to all of these questions, the situation doesn't seem any less strange.

There are books that can (and probably will) be written about McNabb's time in Philly.  I'll save you the emotional paintings and nostalgia, but it will be important how we as Philly fans react to Donovan's return nonetheless.  The national spotlight will be on us, the fans of Philadelphia, for those few moments as he runs onto the field.  This is our chance to finally dispel those tired and trite depictions of us as Booers of Santa Claus.  Sure, we like to run onto the field of Citizens Bank Park every once and again and sometimes throw up on the daughters of police...but those things are few and far between.  We know who we really are: passionate, fun, knowledgeable, demanding, and we show phenomenal poise in the pocket. WE'RE GREAT FANS.  So I say fuck their stereotypes.

Let's have a moment of silence when Donovan runs onto Lincoln Financial at 4 o'clock Sunday afternoon.  One part respect for what he's accomplished in our uniform, one part intolerance for his decade-long nonchalant and frustratingly casual attitude, and one part "you were wrong about us, America".  Booing would be too predictable and applause would be too boring. Silence would be a surreal moment for Mac-5 and Eagles fans alike.  I say let's do it.

Go Birds.

Main photo By: Doug Benc/Getty Images Other Photo By: D. Hallowell for

1 comment:


    Teach me how to Dougie, teach me, teach me how to Dougie.