The Hiatus Post

Hey, you know what’s cool? When the blog you go to daily to try to get your mind off of work isn’t updated for 2+ weeks.

Even if you don’t feel like updating with sports crap, I liked the daily pop culture and links you were posting a few months ago.

Stop being lazy.

Thanks.


That e-mail was from Lindsay F. in Delaware.

I'm sorry that this sucks so bad right now. We'll be back some day.

Basically Maurice got a job running Barstool Philly, and the rest of us have been contributing over there. If you miss us, check it out. Some day though...some day.

Seriously.

P.S. Follow us on Twitter, I'm going to do my best to keep up with that. Starting now.
P.P.S. I'm totally not kidding. We'll be back. Don't give up on us.

17-8 Bitch

The Incredible Hulk. An Incredible Ass. An Incredible April. Yea, is your team 17-8 without their best player? Probably not.

Cliff. Lee.

Our First Round Draft Pick Is Old

Apparently the guy is extremely versatile (Kiper says he could play OT, OG or C). He played hockey, played rugby, fought fire, etc. Seems like a pretty cool dude, I just hope the damn kid can block cause Winston Justice sure can't. Oh, and he's 26 already, which I'm not quite sure is a good thing or bad thing. Overall though, I'm just be happy they didn't trade the pick.

From Scott Wright's Draft Countdown:

Strengths:
• Athletic with terrific quickness and agility
• Nimble feet w/ nice balance and body control
• Outstanding natural strength and power
• Shows the ability to recover when beat
• Will get some movement in the run game
• Understands positioning and angles
• Can get to second level and work in space
• Extremely competitive with a great motor
• Tough and plays with a nasty demeanor
• Still has a ton of unfulfilled potential

Weaknesses:
• A bit older than the normal prospect
• Just average size with short arms
• Frame appears close to being maxed out
• Is not real stout at the point of attack
• Does not have a lot of playing experience
• Raw technique, footwork and hand use
• Will probably have to change positions

Alleluia! Thank You Racist America!

Well, that's one less thing we need to worry about. As we all know, Madden cover = death. Thankfully, America is rather racist, still loves dogs and can't get enough of white running backs. Now our 2011 season won't be ruined (minus the still-not-quite-fixed-very-confusing lockout situation).

On another note, Hillis is fucked. Poor Cleveland, even when something goes right for them they still ultimately lose.

A Way Too Early Look At The Eagles 2011 Record

Before I start, let's all remember that I did this last year and while I predicted the correct final record (10-6), I only got about half the games right individually. So what matters more? Where you end up or how you got there? I'm going with the former, but honestly does it matter if we don't have football next year anyway? Let's hope the owners stop being bitches and end this thing. Chad Hall needs a job.

So Michael Vick Will Get Hurt Next Year

This isn't exactly a big surprise, but Michael Vick has made the finals of the Madden '12 cover tournament vote thing on ESPN. Normally any time an Eagles player gets some recognition nationally, I like it. Especially Vick, who whether we like it or not, is now our best player and the key to us winning anything next year. However, the last time this happened, well it wasn't exactly a good omen. I'll spare you the laundry list of shitty things that have happened to NFL players the year they graced the cover of Madden, but it was Vick in 2004 and he promptly broke his ankle. So, yea, here's to Peyton Hillis winning. (Odds Peyton Hillis wins, I draft him on my fantasy team, and he breaks both arms the next day sit currently at 1:1.)

Oh, and doesn't this kinda speak to how much people don't give a shit about the dog-killing anymore? I mean the guy is being voted by the fans to grace the cover of the most popular sports video game ever. Football > dogs, or so says America. (And don't just says it kids voting either, EVERYONE plays Madden.)

Homeless Iguodala tweets message from the future.

Future Andre Iguodala has sent a message back in time in an attempt to change his fate. The current mediocre-76er is future-homeless, addicted to eating diapers and spends his days getting into bumfights in the trash bins behind the City Line Taco Bell.

Iguodala sent his message via FutureTweet, a recent invention in the future (not available for Verizon customers.) Scientists put the tweet through altavista babel fish translator (homeless to english) and found the following:

STOP GIVING ME THE BALL IN PRESSURE SITUATIONS!

Earlier Monday scientists tweeted the message to present-Iguodala with a #showyaluv hastag. Present-Iggy has yet to reply or tweet a response.

Oswalt considers start in Paralympic games.

Pitching coach Rich Dubee said he had "very high" confidence that Phillies starter Roy Oswalt would make his scheduled start Thursday at San Diego. Oswalt was diagnosed with lower back strain, a condition which has previously sent him to the DL.

Not to worry Phillies fans… during his recent tour stop in Atlantic City Charlie Sheen (didn't) mention his interest in reviving the terminator and replacing Oswalt if needed.

Boom? Boom.

Just like they drew it up. Back to back lockdowns of the Nationals bats to win another series. Straight domination by Cliff Lee and a Chooch-Bomb in the 6th was all the Phils needed to head back home with a .750 winning percentage. Now the focus shifts to a certain bashing of the Marlins.

Losing two consecutive games isn’t even possible, right?

Oh Internet, You Think You Know Us Or Something?

Who needs to come up with their own clever tweets when the website 'That Can Be My Next Tweet' will do all the heavy lifting for you. The tweet you see above was the result I got when I put TheWizWit's twitter handle in. The site just scans every tweet you've ever posted and tries to make a coherent sentence out of random words and phrases you've used in the past. A lot of the time it makes absolutely no sense. But I was bored and kept hitting 'get your next tweet' about 180 times. Hit the jump to see some of the better randomness this site spit out for TheWizWit.

Edge vs Mubarak! Career Ending Match!

Former Egyptian President Hosni "The Mad Dictator" Mubarak suffered a heart attack Tuesday and has been admitted to the hospital. CNN is reporting that he was being questioned over corruption charges at the time.

This news comes less than 24 hours after WWE Heavyweight Champion Adam "Edge" Copeland announced his retirement from the ring due to neck-related injuries.

TWW Reporters are calling these stories into question.

Sources have reported that WWE competitor Edge was part of a covert government plan to settle international disputes through a gladiator-type form of political debate, not unlike the government's strategy used to end the Cold War with its secret agent: Rocky Balboa.

One of these men will change before the match is over.

Edge was chosen as the US representative to battle Mubarak in an electric cage match, where the winning side would officially take ownership of vital oil reserves in the middle east.

Unofficial results report that the match finished as a double-DQ when the Dudley Boyz came down to settle a score with both participants about the taxation of crude oil pipelines across international boundaries.

The Dudley Boys are secretly Canadien NAFTA agents.

So, did we miss out on the most awesome international battle of all time? Or is Vince McMahon waiting until Chanukah comes around to release the whole thing on a 3-DVD box set?

If gas prices go up again, we're looking at you, Edge.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yea, so J-Werth got booed tonight. No big surprise there I guess. He also went 2 for 3 with a ding dong off Heavy B (who is certainly off to quite the start this year, I must add). Either way, the video above is a much better way to remember him than his play tonight. Tonight was like the first time you see your ex after she cheats on you. You're really pissed off at first but then you decide to watch that video you have of her from that time you did her doggie in her parents bedroom. Then you post it on the internets.

F'in Jayson Werth.

Steve Buscemi Eyes = Hilarity

Not sure if you've seen this site yet, but it's absolutely brilliant. Just once I hope to achieve this level of creativity with an idea. For now, I'll continue to simply blog other people's creativity. Seems to be working for now.

Some other gems:

Was it WERTH it?

We've all been there Jayson, hard up for some attention, and desperate for love. But, in your case the fat girl beej came in the form of a $126 million contract with the Nationals.

Jayson Werth will have his chance to prove he's not still embarrassed about his situation when the Phillies head to Washington Tuesday night.

In the first game Werth will face his former chubby chasing-wing man Joe Blanton.

Halladay and Lee come Wednesday and Thursday, but probably not in the mouth of a great big fat person.

Dwight Howard Makes Jrue Holiday Famous

If you missed Monday night's Sixers game against the Orlando Magic, you still probably saw the above dunk. (It was visible from the International Space Station)

During one of the Sixers last games of the regular season Dwight Howard made a poster out of Jrue Holiday. (After the game, Howard looked at the Sixers roster and pointed out most of the team are in his posters).

The dunk was SportsCenters Top Ten Plays (not just number 1, it was the entire top ten).

In case you're not sick of it yet, here's a terrible YouTube video of the dunk.

Someone thought the soundtrack from Goldeneye 64 would be better audio than the TV call of the play.

Baron Samedi gave it a thumbs up.

Baron Samedi is no longer facebook friends with Dimitri Mishkin.

After the game, Dwight Howard joked about the play saying: "Let's all have a moment of silence for Jrue."

Howard also broke down the PTSD that young Holiday will be suffering from, sleepless night after sleepless night:

"If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad things happen."

The Sixers try to put this embarrassment behind them when they begin their first round playoff matchup against the Miami Heat this weekend.

Paul Holmgren is a made man.

Flyers GM Paul Holmgren is a serious character. His koopa-face was constructed from the leftover pieces of Mt. Rushmore. The man could kill a fetus with a sharp glance. He's been known to rip season ticket holders dicks off for not complimenting the smell of his farts.

I'm not saying he's ever really murdered anybody, but you don't finger the man's daughter in the back seat of his own car and get away with it.

On Wednesday he held a closed-door meeting with the floundering Flyers, as reported (fabricated?) by known wolf-crier and Flyer's beat writer Tim Panaccio.

Holmgren told them to get their heads out of their ass or they'll be found hanging on a hook in the butcher's freezer. He then face-fucked Danny Briere's pretty little mouth. (citation needed)

Still 1st in the Atlantic Division, the Flyers sit four points behind Washington in the Eastern Conference headed into their Friday matchup at Buffalo.

...

Ed Snider couldn't be reached for a photoshop because this blog isn't crazy enough to make jokes about Mr. Snider.

Mr. Snider.

Sixers Will Make The Finals. Fact.

Trust me on this one, the ESPN NBA Playoff Predictor never lies. Sixers = Eastern Conference Champions. Especially when it only take 87 tries to make this happen. Like I've always said, 87th try is the charm.

PS - By the way, in this predictor the Grizzlies seem to beat the Lakers like 50% of the time. ESPN must know something we don't know.

PPS - Don't ask me what happens in the Finals simulation. There's a reason I'm not showing a picture of that.

PPPS - I highly recommend not wasting a half hour of your life doing this. Not exactly the most rewarding way to spend your time. Or. Is. It?

PPPPS - Cliff Lee.

So What Do We Have Here?

Ho hum. Just another 5-1 start to a season, nothing to see here. After worrying about the offense all off-season, the Phillies have now scored 5+ runs in every game (of course losing the only one in which they didn't). Halladay, Lee and Oswalt have looked good. Hamels and Blanton? Eh, not so much. Overall though, this is exactly the start the team needed.

Notoriously slow starter Ryan Howard has come out of the gates hot and almost every regular is hitting over .300 so far. Is it early? Absolutely. But this team has gotten off to some very shitty starts before, so starting like this helps everyone take a deep breath and relax. Sure, the Astros and the Mess aren't expected to sniff 80 wins this year, but April is unpredictable (as you can see with the Orioles and Royals both being in first place). To win games you're supposed, especially early, is a good sign. (Just look at the Red Sox.)

So now our Phightin's head off to Atlanta to face what is likely their biggest competition in the NL (yes, I really think the Braves are the second best team in the NL). While the Braves are off to an underwhelming 3-4 start, they're still a really, really tough matchup for us. The pitching duels:

Friday: Cliff Lee (1-0) v. Tim Hudson (1-0)

Saturday: Roy Oswalt (1-0) v. Brandon Beachy (1-0)

Sunday: Cole Hamels (0-1) v. Lowe (1-1)

Like most series they'll play this year, the Phillies go into every game with the pitching advantage (regardless of Cole's first game, he's better than Lowe). I. Love. It.

Here's to 161-1.

Cliff Lee.

Would You Sleep With Doctor Kong?

Looking to get laid AND a he's doctor? Well ladies, you better get in line next to all the douchebags asking for worthless autographs! This one is FAB-U-LOUSSS! Clearly I'm joking - NO ONE is sleeping with him. I just want to rip my ears off and shove them down his throat to end that God forsaken laugh once and for all. It sounds like the cackling of a hyena. Assuming that hyena was gay. If he somehow was lucky enough to meet a deaf girl, he'd still be shot down due to the fact he's awkward as fuck. I see he's going with the arms-shakily-crossed coolness vibe at the bar. Hope that works out for you buddy. I don't care how many barrels he's made his pixilated Italian friend skip over. This guy stinks.

h/t Kotaku

That Time Barry Bonds Killed OJ's Ex-Wife

Remember OJ Simpson? The guy who KILLED HIS EX-WIFE and got away with it?

Aw, how can we stay mad at that face?

OJ, as you may last recall, has been in prison for over 2 years now, serving a 33-year sentence (9 without parole) for a 2007 kidnapping/armed robbery in Vegas. (/sourced)

His legacy, though, is being a double-murderer who walked free of any criminal charges due his ability to blacken himself at will.

If OJ was an X-Man, he'd be "The Dimmer Switch."

Most notably, the OJ verdict took away white America's ability to use the N-word without it leading to a meeting with the Human Resources Department. Mid-90's America was outraged.

The face of mid-90's of outrage.

So, Whites have been laying in wait for years. Ready to over-react the next time a black tried to show its uppity face. Then it was time to get revenge, Liam Neeson style.

Particular set of skills? I might know a guy…

America found its new Kunta Kinte once Major League Baseball player Barry Bonds was indicted on 15 counts of what we all do every single day ... denying stuff that would get us in bigger trouble. Now facing only 4 of the original charges, Bonds could see up to 10 years in prison for each count. All for being a big ole' FIBBER!

Pictured: WORSE THAN MURDERING TWO PEOPLE!

On Wednesday, after presenting its case for a total of ONE MINUTE (not even a joke) Bonds' defense rested without calling a SINGLE WITNESS. Christ, even My Cousin Vinny called up Mona Lisa Vito. This type of McMahon-like confidence hasn't been seen in a human being since … well ...

"Eat shit, America."

So, Congrats Whites! If Bonds' comedic defense leads to jail-time, score 3/5's more for the plantation crowd!