Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

I'm writing this for four reasons:

1) I haven't written much of anything recently since I'm at work from 8 - 8 everyday. Doesn't leave much room for anything else. At least I'm not working surrounded by Yankees, Mets and Giants fans. Oh wait...I am.

2) I just finished reading Bill Simmons' book Now I Can Die In Peace, a lovely novel that I suggest you read even if you hate the Red Sox (which I do). It makes you feel better about being a sports fan while still having you question why you care so much in the first place the entire time. It's really the perfect "sports fan manifesto."

Kevin Kolb Will Kill You

We've all heard the stories of how Kolb slays wild hogs for fun.  We also know he's a country boy who loves to talk wildlife and would easily win the TV show 'Survivor' (if it hadn't jumped the shark 10 years ago). 

610 WIP's Anthony Gargano has a published account of yet another badass Kevin Kolb exploit.  SPOILER: it involves snakes, boots, and a .38.

DeSean Jackson Could've Died Last Night

No details have been released regarding how ‘popn’ the event was at the time of the shooting.

Also, if you read DeSean’s twitter, how surprised are you that the Eagles don’t ask him to stop tweeting things like "U gay" and “Fucc you” to people? I love the freedom of speech, but with how sensitive our media is with what athletes say (or Tweet), this is a slow-motion car crash if I've ever seen it.

But seriously, thank you God. Philadelphia needs the wonderfully ignorant and entertaining DeSean Jackson, you know, alive.

This is News??

Eagles Training Camp needs to start, pronto. The Philly sports "news" I've been forced to read is so remarkably dull that I'm actually writing a post about how remarkably dull it is. I literally saw a headline today that read "Herremans says foot is fine." Are you shitting me?

So I actually clicked on this article and, sure enough, Todd Herremans says of his foot: "It will be fine." Yay.

The article is a total of 423 words. Another article on Philly.com, this one concerning new anti-poverty iniatives in Camden, is 623 words. For realsies, the difference between these stories needs to be more than 200 words.

Also on Philly.com, I found this story (Alice is a fan of toys) sandwiched in between coverage of Hungarian crash victims and the Philadelphia mayoral election. Go Inquirer!

I just...I just need real philly sports news that's not about Flyers trades or how bad the Phillies look. I swear to God if I have to read another story on Cornelius Ingram's knee I'm going on a tri-state murder spree.

If you feel like me, maybe this'll brighten up your day. A smiley Randy Moss and a walrus after the jump.

Tim Hasselbeck Wants You to Draft Kevin Kolb

He would also appreciate it if you would stop comparing him to his brother. And hey, lay off his wife while you're at it.

Athlete Website Review!

Periodically, TheWizWit will be bringing an athlete’s website to light. Some sites may be good. Most will be terrible. But it's the learning experience that will bring us all together.

So without further ado, let's get to our review of Trevor Laws' site http://www.trevor-laws.com/! You know, before he gets cut.

I, For One, Will Be Rooting for the Miami nWo

With all of our (and Bill Simmons') comparisons of Lebron James to heel-turning nWo Hollywood Hulk Hogan, I'm glad someone was actually patient (and nerdy) enough to craft this gem.

"I did everything for the charities, I did everything for the kids. And [with] the reception I got when I came out here...you fans can STICK IT, brother!"

[cue Lebron's music, which is probably Jay-Z or Will Smith's "Miami"]

Video after the jump.
UPDATE! Even FUNNIER video below that one.
UPDATE UPDATE!! Another Lebron nWo clip.  I'm on fi-yah!

Sex with Teammate's Wife = Page Views

According to (probably unfounded) rumors, Jayson Werth was/is having sex with Chase Utley's wife Jen. He's down with OPP, much more than he's down with OBP. And, according to our Google Analytics report, you nosey rascals are all about that shit. Maybe starting TMZ-like Philly Sports cele-blog isn't such a bad idea...

That Jeff Carter infidelity search is the cherry on top.

Elton Brand is Totally Available, Billy

Not too much else for me to say - Bill Simmons summed that up pretty well. Enjoy all the long, terrible contracts and head-scratching trades!

Just be careful Nets fans - Kenny Thomas AND Brian Skinner are free agents right now.

Now if only the Sixers current GM wasn’t Eddie Stefanski…

Philadelphia Eagles Madden 11 Player Ratings

Full ratings here.  What's wrong?

Kevin Kolb 75 Overall
This is egregious. I understand that all of the ratings have been down the past couple of years and that I may be drinking the kelly green Kool-Aid here, but KK is better than a 75. There's no way that Andy Reid trades his franchise quarterback and decade-long butt bro Donovan McNabb IN THE DIVISION to start a 75. Chad Henne is a 75. And his face looks stupid. Hopefully we see this push 80 after a couple weeks into the season.

And is third-string rookie Mike Kafka's accuracy really better than our other QBs? Hmm. Weird.

Asante Samuel 29 Tackle rating
I know the dude isn't a great tackler, but a 29 tackle rating is ridiculous. I have a 29 tackle rating. Prepare to witness absurd tackle-breaking scenarios with dudes like Brett Favre or the fake-punt guy all game.

DeSean Jackson 95 Swagger Rating
So EA has sold even more of their game, this time adding in the hilariously unnecessary "Swagger" rating. Perhaps the Swagger ratings are a bit reverse racist, but how in the world is DeSean 'DJacc' Jackson only a 95 Swagger rating? LOOK at this motherfucker. This is a guy who publicly chest-bumps his 500lb coach. This is the same guy that not once but TWICE missed out on a touchdown because he was trying to celebrate into the endzone. On his Twitter he says things like "what up loco halla at ya nephew" to goddamn Snoop Dogg. @Desean Jackson, you are swagged out. Give this man his 99.

Oh yeah, how does Stuart Bradley have the lowest (45 Swag) on the team? He's lower than King Dunlap. Stu Brad is doing interviews with Drake!

Jason Avant 82 Catch
No way, bruh. [Jesus hands]

Daniel Te'o-Nesheim is a 0
'Cause apparently he's not on the team. What you got against Somoans, ESPN? They do the Humpty Dance, too!

phillygameday.com