The Top 8 Cheese Steaks in Philadelphia

[Our pals at The School Philly will contribute posts to TheWizWit from time to time.  You can find this post and other good stuff over at TheSchoolPhilly.com]

A retard’s guide (or non-Philadelphian’s guide) on the correct way to order a cheese steak:

1. Say the name of the cheese you want
2. Say “with” or “without” (meaning with or without fried onions)
3. Example: A cheese steak with American cheese and fried onions= American with

Here are the top 8 cheese steaks in Philadelphia. Well actually, the world, for that matter.

[Keep reading for the complete list at The School Philly.  Even though Jim's Steaks is #1 in my book, these guys have done their homework.]

Afternoon Links: Lowered Expectations

How To Crack a Credit Card Number - Oh, we mean "validate a credit card with your mind" not steal people's shit. [loneiguana]

The State of the Internet - Lots of fun stats - how about the fact 89% of all E-mails sent in 2010 were SPAM  [Focus]

Taco Bell Crime of the Week - $5M lawsuit claiming Taco Bell is using fake beef.  Complete with a side of anti-dusting agent.  [OCweekly]

How To Knit a 'Smitten' - Spoiler alert: It's a mitten sewn together so you and your equally despicable companion can hold hands and stay warm at the same time.  Also, you should drown each other.  [cocoknits]

Teen Stabs Man Over Stinky Feet - First a serial farter and now smelly feet?  Insult stabbings are way up this month.  [UPI]

Chaz Bono Had Breast Removal Surgery, Wants to Look Like Michael Chiklis - Okay, well when is Michael Chiklis' breast removal surgery then? [E! Online]

Soul Tryouts Are This Saturday!

Philly.com - The Soul will hold an open tryout for players on Saturday at the NovaCare Complex in South Philadelphia. Registration begins at 7:30 a.m., with warmups at 9, and the tryout starting at 9:15. Registration on the day of the event is $80 cash or cashier's check. Pre-registration is $60 at www.philadelphiasoul.com. Participants are asked to bring appropriate workout gear and shoes. Testing will take place on field turf, so metal cleats or spikes are not permitted. A trainer will be on hand for emergencies only - not for player taping. Soul co-majority owner Ron Jaworski and co-owners Pete Ciarrocchi and Cosmo Denicola will attend.

Hope to see everyone there! I'll be the one at home relaxing while making sure I don't give Ron Jaworski $80 of my money. Although it should be noted that ya boy has got an arm like Papa John.

OkTrends: The Mathematics of Beauty

OkTrends - This post investigates female attractiveness, but without the usual photo analysis stuff. Instead, we look past a woman's picture, into the reaction she creates in the reptile mind of the human male. Among the remarkable things [we've shown]:

• that the more men as a group disagree about a woman's looks, the more they end up liking her
• guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute
• and, in fact, having some men think she's ugly actually works in woman's favor

Now I normally don't buy into these sorts of overarching claims, but this blog in particular has the support of the huge sample size because of the large dating site behind it (OkCupid). So everything here is based upon over 1.5 million votes, nearly 600,000 messages, and 64,000 separate profiles. Plus this article is crazy long and I'm WAY too lazy to construct an argument against this amount of data. I'm an American, not a mathematician.

In the end, they've discovered that if some guys think a girl is a 1 and others think she's a 10, she's going to get a lot more attention than a girl that everyone thinks is say...a 7. Even further, if two girls' looks scored the same (like the girls above), the one who produced the biggest variance is the one who got the most messages (the girl on the left).  You know why?  Cause some dudes like that shit.

It doesn't matter what that shit is.  It could be that you're fat.  Or that you're only 4'10".  Or that you're orange.  Some dudes wanna fuck Snooki!  Whatever it is you got, there are men out there that will eff it.

Check out the rest of that site too if you wanna lose a few hours.  Interesting stuff.

The United States of Shame

So the Delaware Valley is the worst in the country when it comes to arson, taxes, and abortion.  Sure high taxes really sting my butthole, but I suppose things could be worse.  At least we don't have to deal with a bunch of horse fuckers from Washington or are forced to look at a bunch of uglies from North Dakota.  And is anyone surprised Alaska has the worst suicide rate? 

U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!! 

[pleated-jeans]

BMX Race Starts Off With 10 Faceplants

I think you understand what's about to happen here. If I was in charge of that opening gate, I would keep pulling this shit every time until they fired me. Maurice, it's not funny anymore they would say. But I would just keep on doing it, over and over again like a stale-ass Family Guy joke.

You guys still feelin extreme?


h/t Woosk

Sixers Already Won Two More Home Games Than All Of Last Season

Depressed Fan - Consider this. In the first 20 days of the season, the Sixers played five home games. One win over Indiana and four losses to Miami, Atlanta, Cleveland and Toronto. A 1-4 start at home with two losses to sub-.500 teams. Since that Toronto loss, the Sixers are 13-3 at the WFC. The three losses were a one-point game vs. the Celtics, a 12-point loss to the Lakers (which they led after three quarters), and a blip. The Pacers beat the Sixers in Iguodala's first game back from injury. Of the 13 wins, the Sixers have beaten Chicago, Utah, Portland and New Orleans. All playoff teams. They also beat nine sub-.500 teams, including MIL twice, CHA twice, LAC and PHO.

There is no better Sixers resource in the cyberwebs than Brian over at DepressedFan. Dude has all kinds of stats and shit that casual roundball fans won't even understand, so when he makes a point about something I tend to listen. His point this time? The Sixers will only finish above .500 if they can keep up this type of play on the homecourt. Could they contend with the Knicks for the #6 spot in the East? Maybe. But they're so shitty on the road that they probably won't.

Also, DepressedFan contends that Philly fans have an irrational hatred of Andre Iguodala. Even when he plays well. I dunno, I just don't get why people are so quick to criticize the guy. Oh wait.

Pound Beers Quicker Than Ever At The Well

When the Flyers take on the Canadiens tonight, the Wells Fargo Center will become the first Philadelphia venue to debut the world's fastest beer-dispensing system. Apparently the device helps beer vendors fill beer cups 9 times faster than the current method.

Such a friggin cool invention. It makes me mad I can't come up with ideas like this. Nothing sucks more than standing in line for a beer at a game. This "Bottom's Up" technology should help put a stop to that. After all, this is Amurrica - we wait for NOTHING! No word on if they'll charge more for this 'convenience', but I'm sure they'll be banking plenty of cash off just the novelty alone. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to line up like a sheep at least once.

Jay Cutler Is Not Well Liked in Chicago

While it's probable that the guy above had this gem of a jersey way before yesterday's game, it's certainly much more appropriate now after yesterday's events. Chicago, or at least a loud minority of Bears fans, hates Jay Cutler. A lot. Hell, they are burning his jersey EVERYWHERE. Do a quick search on Google and trust me, it's gone from bad to worse quickly.

As our own Chris pointed out earlier, I doubt that Cutler really quit on his team. Reports today have his MRI coming back with a Grade II tear in his MCL. Anything with "tear" seems like a pretty big deal. Plus, it's not like the Bears have a great o-line, Cutler probably would have gotten killed the rest of the game if he stayed in. If your QB can't stand or push off one of his legs, he's probably best suited on the bench.

But, hey, at least Eagles fans never burned McNabb jerseys! Right? Or did we? We did? Oh.

Check out TurdFergusonBlog for some more Cutler love.

Nice Shot, Gay Laugh

No matter how incredibly gay the guy's laugh is in this video, or the fact that it appears to be a group of about seven 22-year-old dudes playing mini-golf with each other, this is a pretty cool shot. Gotta give props when props is due.

h/t TheChive.