Phils to Trade Werth Because He is a Home Wrecker

Not really. Unless you believe twitter and internet rumors.

TheDirty reported that a ‘very reliable clubhouse source’ has said Jayson Werth is having sensual beard-sex with Chase Utley’s wife. Go ahead and get all the “Jen Utley - so easy a caveman can do it” jokes off your chest, I’ll wait.

Obviously, that report is just silly, and the chances of TheDirty being correct here are about as likely as Chris ‘Birdman’ Anderson not being high as shit right now. I'm quite sure there's no truth to a Werth/Utely affair.

But that talk of Werth being traded? Well that came from a legitimate source:

Kinda Like Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park is obviously a great movie. Sure, it's a little ridiculous at times, but who the hell cares? You have dinosaurs eating people, dinosaurs eating some more people and, of course, dinosaurs eating some other people. It really doesn't get much better than that.

That said, the Phillies kinda suck. Ok, they totally blow right now. Very little has gone right for this team since the middle of May and things aren't looking great as we near the All-Star break. Minus Roy Halladay being everything we hoped he would be, the rest of this high-priced team has performed woefully under expectations. After tonight's 7-5 lost to the Braves, the Phils sit six games back in the division (three out of the wildcard, pending the Dodgers-Marlins result). This certainly isn't the where I'd thought we'd be come early July. Which of course, got me to thinking...

Athletes Don't Make Shit

Believe it or not, there are thousands of people on this planet who would kill themselves if they earned the paltry scraps that America's professional athletes receive. These people are called billionaires, and they live in the (presumably luxurious) shadows of society. They walk among us -- faceness, nameless, and unappreciated. They don't get the benefit of hearing 50,000 fans chant their name or the thrill of screaming at the sky in championship ecstasy. No, they get none of this recognition and still manage to be the driving force behind many things we take for granted. They have the tough jobs: they sell our oil, they control our governments, they manage our hedge funds. And what do these poor men (and Oprah) get in return? Four billion dollars in a single year? HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

So, in honor of the tireless service of these undervalued overlords, I've plugged the 2009 earnings of the world's highest paid CEO into ESPN's Salary Crunch to see how he stacks up against everyone's favorite overpaid first baseman. This one's for you, Ray Irani of Occidental Petroleum Corporation! Maybe one day you'll be on the richest people in the world list. Probably not, though.

And good luck hitting those 267 HRs this year, Ryan.

Gucci Bag Full of Cash & Jewelry: Twitter Summer Roundup

Floyd Mayweather tweeted the photo to the left over the holiday weekend. The tweet itself read "Just gambling a bit in Atlantic City". Staring at Floyd's bricks of money got us thinking... what have athletes been up to this summer? And how much better are their lives than ours?

So we hastily searched scoured the Twitter universe to see what guys have been getting into over the last couple months. A few are as normal as you and me. But plenty of others are definitely living the wild and partying lifestyle of a professional athlete. Except for one familiar face, anyway.

Fake Andy Reid Asleep at Airport, Fat

Who is this striking, sleepy man? Why does he look so much like Andy Reid? Why is he wearing Andy's famed 2001-2003 style NFC Pro Bowl 4XL Hawaiian shirt? There are so many questions I have for our flabby faux coach.

Does he like to run the ball? Are his children clear-headed model citizens? Did a woman actually allow him to put his penis inside her long enough to create children? WHAT A MYSTERIOUS WORLD THIS IS!

Video after the jump.

Let's Hope DJ Alibi Does His Labor Day Party

Wow. Good looks to Mr. Vick for missing this affair. No doubt it was planned out before his birthday party fiasco, but there was absolutely no way a sane Michael Vick was going to attend this one.

Music by Hostility? Nothing positive would have come of this.

And don't get me started on the whole Vick situation in general. If some snitch from my trial showed up uninvited to my 30th birthday party and caked my face, I would hope one of my friends would shoot his ass, too.

According to the NY Post:

Quanis Phillips, a co-defendant in Vick’s dogfighting case, flew into a rage when Vick and brother Marcus Vick told him early Friday to leave the 30th-birthday party at a Virginia Beach nightclub, witnesses said.

Before leaving, Phillips slapped a piece of birthday cake off a female partygoer’s plate, splattering the face of the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback with frosting. “Michael didn’t react. I was surprised,” a witness at the bash said.

Cake in my face = shot. I'm with ya, Mike.

And how the hell was he supposed to know exactly how long he left before the shooting? It's not like a time bomb where he knows he left exactly 12 minutes and 33 seconds before it went off. Stop being irrational, people!

I'll Take Random Videos for 200

What better way to stumble into the holiday weekend than to end your work week with some randomness?

So while you're sitting at work (undoubtedly doing nothing) check out these vids before you embark on a weekend of BBQ's, bocce ball, and alcohol with family and friends. And just think, if you're really lucky, you'll have the privilege of being forced to sit through life-draining fireworks!

And with a tip of the cabana cap, away we go.

Look What I Found...

Whether you're a diehard and sufficiently brash Eagles fan or a dude named Dallas who loves birds and gettin laid, you've gotta appreciate this piece.  Stumbled upon this gorgeous artifact of 100% cotton while rifling through Dad's house. Might have a small bleach situation happening on the "F", but still a great find.

There's this cloudy memory I have of my father and I going to an Eagles game and him buying this in the parking lot. I've searched for a "Fuck Dallas" t-shirt vendor at every game since and haven't seen a single one. Anyone ever see a post-kelly green era version?

And I'm not talkin a "Dallas Sucks" shirt. You might as well pull up your panties and head back into the sanctuary with that wack-ass Cowboy fan level of hostility. I mean a shirt that says "Fuck Dallas."

Also...where is it acceptable to ever wear this t-shirt? You can't wear this to the supermarket...you'd be one of those people. If you've got any semblance of common courtesy, you can't really have this on in public at all. Even if I rocked this shit to a game, once I walked past a kid I'd feel compelled to censor the 'U' with my hand or somethin.

This is definitely one of those nervously-watching-a-playoff-game-in-your-basement 8 Miller Lites deep type of shirts. Yeah.  I can't wait.

This DL Thing Really Grinds My Gears

Chase Utley and Placido Polanco hit the DL today. That isn't good news. Even with their recent surge, which has them back to within 2.5 games of the Braves, the Phillies have more to worry about now than three weeks ago. Can they survive without Utley and Polanco in the order? Who will step up? Why the hell don't we still have Cliff Lee? Will I work late every day? These are the questions keeping me up at night.

The Most Ridiculous Headline of All-Time:

This is a screen-grab of an article I saw on Yahoo this afternoon.  You can see it in its entirety HERE.  You can also see that it's completely retarded. 

I don't know what's worse - the Knicks 'source', or the SportingNews for quoting something from 'zagsblog.com'.

How anyone thought this was legit news is beyond me.  Doesn't common sense kick in at some point?  Shouldn't someone have said "Wait... this 'source' is full of shit.  That didn't happen." 
The best part is when the source continues to try and rationalize the reasoning:

“I don’t care what most people think. I’m not saying that LeBron is not a good player but other stuff comes with it. LeBron’s friends want jobs. You’re gonna lose running your organization. As time goes on you gotta hire this guy, you gotta hire that guy.”

The Source then asked everyone to "move their feet" as he had to "mop the rest of this shit up." Sigh...you poor delusional bastard. 

The Source went on: "I'm not saying the iPhone 4 isn't a fantastic device, but a pink RAZR with rhinestones on it is what we wanted all along."

Alright commenters, your turn.  Come with your best.