Eagles 34, Texans 24: More Camera Talk

Papa John: Enough is Enough - As I Tweeted last night, I get a serious kick of out Papa John's current marketing campaign. You know the one: Papa John visits a family/sporting event/party, brings plenty of pizza, then shows the world that he can throw a football.

REENACTMENT!

Diane - Okay marketing team, we've been busting our humps for the entire second quarter on this concept and I think it's finally ready for air. Gary, I really love what you did with the CGI and graphics team. Terry, the actors you selected were fantastic. I really am proud of you all--

Papa John - Papa's in the hooouuuuuussse!! What the fuck is up, MARKETERS!?

Diane - Oh, uh, hi John. We were just getting ready to present our final cut of the new commercial to you toda--

Papa John - [grabs pepper off table, dips in garlic sauce, and begins chewing loudly] Eff that noise, I got an idea. Hows about you not worry about all that faggy acting and CGI stuff, and just show me slangin' high-quality Papa John pizzas, whippin' around in my Camaro, and bombing a couple footballs DEEP as SHIT??

Diane - I...but, John, we've been working on this campaign for the last two--

Papa John - GREAT, SO IT'S DONE! Call your camera people and tell them to meet me at my cousin Katie's place in the suburbs. She'll bring over people from the neighborhood, we'll talk about the freshness of my toppings, I'll gun some fifty yarders at the local kids...it'll be great.

Diane - .......as you wish, sir.

Papa John - Goddamn right! HEY -- you guys busy? I got some coke in my office if you's feel like partyin'...

What else did we learn? Unquestioned MVP, Chad Hall's Package, NFL Networst, Te-o'Nesheim,  OBEY THE LAWS, If it Ain't Broke, Jorrick Calvin, Black Egg, Kevin Kolb Reflective Thoughts Meter, and No Guarantees.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 13 NFL Spread Picks

What you see above is The Discovery Channel's transformation of their headquarters during Shark Week a few months ago. Shark Week is a joyous and important time for us lamniformes. It's our Hanukkah. We share stories, give gifts, watch Adam Sandler movies, and do all those other things Jewish people do. Anyway, I need find a way to procure a position within that building. Only then will I have an employer who fully understands a shark's need to blog from work.

So last week The Shark had another winning week by going 9-7. That brings the yearly total to 94-76-6. There's only 5 more weeks left in the regular season. If you're not following these picks by now, you're an asshole.

And Here's a Hastily Photoshopped Picture of Derek Jeter in a Phillies Uniform

Beckett Media went ahead and created fake baseball cards featuring Derek Jeter wearing the uniform of every MLB team. I'm not really sure why. They kind of mailed it on these photoshops. In comparison to the body size, Jeter's head is reaching Polanco-ian proportions. And check out his right arm. He's either sickly skinny or has about as much muscle definition as a woman or small child.

One of the worst (there are quite a few horrendous ones) is San Diego Padres Jeter. Check that shit out. They didn't even bother to match up the skin color. I know Jeter is light-skinned, but you have him on the body of man that I can only assume has red hair and a farmer’s tan. You're not even trying, BeckettBlog.

Anyway, it's no Dick Pole, but if you're painfully bored I suppose it's worth perusing for a few minutes of amusement.

Eagles 26, Bears 31: Cutler Lives!

The NFL is Fixed - So Asante Samuel inadvertently makes contact with another players' helmet during a shoulder tackle and gets fined $40,000 while Andre Johnson only gets $25,000 for RIPPING OFF A DUDES HELMET AND PUNCHING HIM TWICE IN THE HEAD? I understand the caps lock is a bit leading, but check it, even in lowercase it's crazy. he got into a fistfight during the game, ripped off the other guys helmet, and successfully beat him about the face and head. Twenty-five K and no suspension? Crazy.

Well, maybe not that crazy. The NFL has a nationally-televised only-game-in-town to sell on its network this Thursday. And they couldn't have the lowly Texans going into this game without their best player, could they? I mean, who knows how quickly the game could be over without him? They needed to keep this whole "rage-fueled fistfight" incident low-key and under-penalized because, hey, the Texans need all the help they can get to make a date with the Eagles in Philly an attractive national matchup. And the NFL needs as many eyeballs on the screen to secure those fat ad revenue checks. Keep dancin' for that money, ho!

I've said it before: the NFL is fucking rigged. Gosh danget do I love the First Amendment.

What else did we learn? Tackling, Quentin Mikell is in Michael Lewis Territory, Bears Stretched Us Out, Give Cutler Credit, Come Back Asante, Moose Your Suit Looks Ridiculous, Fix Yo Field, and Blame the O-Line.

Fight Good For Eagles, Bad For Fantasy Owners, Awesome For Everyone Else

My favorite part of this is Andre Johnson's attempted uppercut killshot at the end. Football fights are NEVER this good.

If only my fantasy league gave us bonus points for haymakers, I might've won this week. For those of you who have AJ in leagues, you may be out of luck next week. From the looks of it, there's a good chance he may be suspended - especially considering these two got in a fight during a Week 2 contest in 2009. Which is good, because after the way the secondary played this week, I'm pretty sure Johnson would go for 210 yards and 4 TDs.

[GIF via KSK / twoeightnine]

SAVINGS ALERT: Buy One, Get 50% off All Dignity!

Custom logo’d jeans for MEN.

Holy shitballs. These are horrifying. I can't fathom any situation where NFL.com has sold a single pair of these monstrosities. You just know they have a whole warehouse full of classic, uncomfortable, stonewash straight-legged denim just waiting to have the Eagles logo emblazoned across the ass cheeks.

Ladies, if you’re considering buying these for your man, you might as well save yourself $74.99 and just give the lucky fella a swift punch to the dick. That pain will at least be temporary. These jeans will haunt him forever in the form of humiliating jokes from his buddies.

BONUS: 

NFL.com doesn't stop there.  There's a way that you too can walk all over the Cowboys this year!

Flyers Lose, Pronger Wins Hockey Comment of the Year

Passive aggressive pot shots for all! How can you not love having a guy like this on your team? My favorite part is the smirk he gives each time he takes a shot. Despite the shootout loss, this post-game interview is full of WIN.

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall: Week 12 NFL Spread Picks

There's no fictional animal in the world scarier than flying sharks. No jackalopes. No centaurs. No warecows. Nothing. You're scared of us, humans, which is totally irrational since only ONE of you die from our attacks per year. And that's only because were nice and you guys taste bad. But if we could fly...oh boy. We'd be a whole lot scarier to you jerks than an STD or some dude on your flight wearing a turban. Anyway, check out the immeasurable awesomeness of this picture. It has many of the basic components of the absolutely ridiculous: sharks, explosions, chaos, sky diving, and highly skilled government agents. It's like a Jason Statham movie captured in one single picture.

Alright, so last week the Shark put together another winning campaign with a 9-7 effort. That brings us to 85-69-6 on the year. Without further ado, hit the jump for your Week 12 picks. Due to the Holiday and my immense amount of laziness, you're not getting commentary about each game. We've done this grouping format in the past, so you'll have to deal with it for a week. Enjoy your week off from me shitting on the Bengals, Jaguars and Chiefs.

Eagles 27, Giants 17: Is This Awkward?

Green Man-Eating Monsters - The Eagles official site's splash page this week was right on point. Instead of focusing on Michael Vick like everyone else in the world, PhiladelphiaEagles.com managed to emphasize the defense's ability this year to generate turnovers. The Birds are now #1 in the league in turnover ratio at +20, having recovered 2 fumbles and intercepting Manning Eli 3 times Sunday night. Baby Peyton Manning was right: those big green monsters really are all about the flying brown pig.

What else did we learn? Eff the Terrorists, Jaaaaasoooooonnnnn..., Toughest Competition, Jason Peters and Todd Herremans Won the Game, Beating the Best, The Manningface Meter, Run Stoppers, and Da Bears are Turrible.

Dinner Was On DeSean

Check out this video from the Eagles' locker room immediately following their 27-17 victory over the New York Giants. In the video DeSean Jackson addresses the team, says that "two-five" (LeSean McCoy) won them the gave, but in the end gives ultimate credit to the linemen. Their reward? Dinner anywhere on him.

One of the players in the background yells "We wanna go to LA." I'm sure DJacc wouldn't mind. [Warning: video loudly auto-plays so if you're reading this in a feed...you've probably already noticed]